Tuesday, March 21, 2006

What We Can Learn from the U.S. Defeat in the World Baseball Classic

The humiliating defeat of the United States in the World Baseball Classic series was a terrible setback for our country. But I think there is something American players can do to make sure this never happens again: Take more steroids. Clearly, the Baseball Commission's witch hunts against steroid use, the Congressional hearings and the tell-all books have had a devastating effect on the game. The poor performance of the U.S. team, which lost against such second-tier teams as Mexico and Canada, gives ample evidence that American players need steroids to play effectively.

The repercussions of the U.S. defeat are going to be felt beyond the world of sports. Although the defeat of Cuba by Japan in the finals demonstrated that sanctions against Castro are working, the incompetence of the U.S. team is just going to be used as evidence by our enemies that we are weak and ineffectual. And how can we set ourselves up as a beacon of liberty for the rest of the world when we deny our baseball players to the right to turn their own bodies into bulked up slabs of muscle? The assault on the personal freedom of our greatest baseball stars by Congressional Inquisitors has done great damage to their morale. What's next? Congressional hearings on plastic surgery in Hollywood?

People who oppose steroid use often cite such ideas as "fair play" and "creating a level playing field." These antiquated liberal notions are purposely designed to bring us down to the level of other countries. They are the sports world's versions of the Geneva Conventions and the World Court. When you are the World's Greatest Superpower, you shouldn't have to play by the rules.

I believe we should not only legalize steroids but encourage their use. Instead of putting asterisks by the records of Barry Bonds and Mark McGwire, they should be emulated as American heroes. In fact, more than just our athletes could benefit from steroids. We should distribute them to American workers to increase productivity, which would no doubt reverse the rate of outsourcing. And we should give them to every member of the American military. With our soldiers on steroids the War in Iraq would probably be over in a matter of weeks. Let's see how the rest of the world fares against Americans pumped up to their true potential.

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Useless Man said...

Perhaps the president, a former baseball team owner, might consider lifting the sanctions on Cuba for first crack and signing rights?

Anonymous said...

Yes and when our bodies break down because the steriods have destroyed our bodies, and our children our deformed, lets see the world tremble in our might.

Anonymous said...

Right wing politics are not a help to many sports not just baseball. Hoqw is america faring in sports such as:
Boxing - Russian world heavyweight champion
Basketball - both men's and women's

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