Conservatives Are Terrified!

Bill O'Reilly and Glenn Beck are both terrified--terrified! But its not terrorists who are making them so anxious. Global warming isn't what's frightening them. They're not afraid that people will stop taking them seriously and that their ratings will plummet forcing Fox and CNN to cancel their shows. What has them shaking with fear is the prospect of having friendly conversations with African-Americans.

"Now you got to feel sorry for us white folks here, because I'm telling you now I'm afraid to say anything. . . . Instead of black and white Americans coming together, white Americans are terrified," said O'Reilly. "Now we can't even say you're articulate? We can't even give you guys compliments?"

"I don't have a lot of African-American friends," confessed Beck. "I think part of it is because I'm afraid that I would be in an open conversation, and I would say something that somebody would take wrong, and then it would be a nightmare. Am I alone in feeling that? Now we can't even say you're articulate? We can't even give you guys compliments because they'll be taken as condescension?" As Joe Biden recently learned, you can't even say something nice about black people without getting attacked.

O'Reilly and Beck, of course, are two very articulate white men who try very hard not to offend anyone. So you can imagine it must have been very difficult for them when all of their black friends started taking offensive at what they were saying. It must have been painful crossing off the names of all of their black friends one by one from their dinner party guest lists and Christmas card lists, when they realized that any little thing they said could be taken the wrong way.

Of course, it's hard enough to avoid saying something racist. Now we can't even compliment black people without getting into trouble. Sometimes it seems as if talking with black people is like playing a soccer match with overzealous referees. You constantly have to worry that someone is going to flash the race card and throw you out of the conversation. If white people just stop talking to black people, African-Americans have only themselves to blame.

Like O'Reilly and Beck, I live in constant fear that black people will want to be my friends. Just the other day, for example, I was walking down a desolate street late at night and noticed a group of young black men hanging out at the end of the street. I began to tremble. What if these young men try to befriend me? I thought. What if they ask me to go out with them and drink malt liquor, smoke Kool cigarettes and ride around in their pimp-mobile listening to rap music and picking up hos? No doubt the evening would end badly, with me complimenting them and causing offense. Luckily, they didn't even notice me. In fact, they didn't even say hello, which was very rude, I thought. Although I had avoided becoming the buddies of these African-Americans, I knew I would live in terror that there would be more black people trying to cozy up to me in the future, fishing for compliments, which would invariably offend them.

But it's not only black people you can't compliment anymore. Women have also gotten very touchy lately, and not just about being touched. You can't even say that women have nice legs or nice breasts anymore, even if it's true. O'Reilly got sued just for telling one of his staff members she had "spectacular boobs." Frankly, I don't know what else to say to a woman so I usually don't say anything at all.

You would think Muslims would just be happy we even let them live in this country. Beck got attacked when he asked Muslim Congressman Keith Ellison to prove he was loyal to this country, even though Ellison didn't seem too offended. But when I told the Muslim proprietor of my local deli that I didn't believe he was a terrorist (although, in fact, I do have my suspicions), he suddenly became very unfriendly.

Is there something wrong with referring to Mexicans as "wetbacks"? O'Reilly has used the term on a number of occasions so naturally I thought it was perfectly acceptable. In fact, in 1954 the U.S. Government launched a program called Operation Wetback, in which they rounded up anyone in Texas who looked Mexican. I thought "wetback" was a term of affection, but apparently it is yet another word you're not supposed to use anymore. Soon we won't be able to use any words at all.

Probably the most sensitive people of all are homosexuals (and I don't mean sensitive in the artistic way). They are not in the least bit grateful when you explain to them that you like them despite the fact that their lifestyle is abhorrent and that they will go to Hell, which unlike Heaven, will at least be very tastefully decorated. And they get hysterical if you call them "naughty names," as Beck referred to the word Isaiah Washington reportedly used.

I really admire O'Reilly and Beck for continuing to compliment people even when they take offense. But it must be very difficult for them constantly being the victims of attacks from people they just want to befriend. It seems that the only people you can compliment anymore and not get attacked for it are conservatives. The next time someone compliments me for my very articulate conservative philosophy or even says I have nice legs, I'm going to get really offended.

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Jon Swift, Bill O'Reilly, Glen Beck, Racism, Sexism, Homosexuality, Gay, Race Card, Conservatives, Pundits, Illegal Immigration, Politics