Thursday, February 08, 2007

Conservatives Are Terrified!

Bill O'Reilly and Glenn Beck are both terrified--terrified! But its not terrorists who are making them so anxious. Global warming isn't what's frightening them. They're not afraid that people will stop taking them seriously and that their ratings will plummet forcing Fox and CNN to cancel their shows. What has them shaking with fear is the prospect of having friendly conversations with African-Americans.

"Now you got to feel sorry for us white folks here, because I'm telling you now I'm afraid to say anything. . . . Instead of black and white Americans coming together, white Americans are terrified," said O'Reilly. "Now we can't even say you're articulate? We can't even give you guys compliments?"

"I don't have a lot of African-American friends," confessed Beck. "I think part of it is because I'm afraid that I would be in an open conversation, and I would say something that somebody would take wrong, and then it would be a nightmare. Am I alone in feeling that? Now we can't even say you're articulate? We can't even give you guys compliments because they'll be taken as condescension?" As Joe Biden recently learned, you can't even say something nice about black people without getting attacked.

O'Reilly and Beck, of course, are two very articulate white men who try very hard not to offend anyone. So you can imagine it must have been very difficult for them when all of their black friends started taking offensive at what they were saying. It must have been painful crossing off the names of all of their black friends one by one from their dinner party guest lists and Christmas card lists, when they realized that any little thing they said could be taken the wrong way.

Of course, it's hard enough to avoid saying something racist. Now we can't even compliment black people without getting into trouble. Sometimes it seems as if talking with black people is like playing a soccer match with overzealous referees. You constantly have to worry that someone is going to flash the race card and throw you out of the conversation. If white people just stop talking to black people, African-Americans have only themselves to blame.

Like O'Reilly and Beck, I live in constant fear that black people will want to be my friends. Just the other day, for example, I was walking down a desolate street late at night and noticed a group of young black men hanging out at the end of the street. I began to tremble. What if these young men try to befriend me? I thought. What if they ask me to go out with them and drink malt liquor, smoke Kool cigarettes and ride around in their pimp-mobile listening to rap music and picking up hos? No doubt the evening would end badly, with me complimenting them and causing offense. Luckily, they didn't even notice me. In fact, they didn't even say hello, which was very rude, I thought. Although I had avoided becoming the buddies of these African-Americans, I knew I would live in terror that there would be more black people trying to cozy up to me in the future, fishing for compliments, which would invariably offend them.

But it's not only black people you can't compliment anymore. Women have also gotten very touchy lately, and not just about being touched. You can't even say that women have nice legs or nice breasts anymore, even if it's true. O'Reilly got sued just for telling one of his staff members she had "spectacular boobs." Frankly, I don't know what else to say to a woman so I usually don't say anything at all.

You would think Muslims would just be happy we even let them live in this country. Beck got attacked when he asked Muslim Congressman Keith Ellison to prove he was loyal to this country, even though Ellison didn't seem too offended. But when I told the Muslim proprietor of my local deli that I didn't believe he was a terrorist (although, in fact, I do have my suspicions), he suddenly became very unfriendly.

Is there something wrong with referring to Mexicans as "wetbacks"? O'Reilly has used the term on a number of occasions so naturally I thought it was perfectly acceptable. In fact, in 1954 the U.S. Government launched a program called Operation Wetback, in which they rounded up anyone in Texas who looked Mexican. I thought "wetback" was a term of affection, but apparently it is yet another word you're not supposed to use anymore. Soon we won't be able to use any words at all.

Probably the most sensitive people of all are homosexuals (and I don't mean sensitive in the artistic way). They are not in the least bit grateful when you explain to them that you like them despite the fact that their lifestyle is abhorrent and that they will go to Hell, which unlike Heaven, will at least be very tastefully decorated. And they get hysterical if you call them "naughty names," as Beck referred to the word Isaiah Washington reportedly used.

I really admire O'Reilly and Beck for continuing to compliment people even when they take offense. But it must be very difficult for them constantly being the victims of attacks from people they just want to befriend. It seems that the only people you can compliment anymore and not get attacked for it are conservatives. The next time someone compliments me for my very articulate conservative philosophy or even says I have nice legs, I'm going to get really offended.

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19 comments:

Highlander said...

Well, for what it's worth, I think you have spectacular boobs. Or, at least, I think you should, because I think EVERYone should. It would just make the world so much nicer.

Working Girl said...

At least O'Reilly and Beck are clean...it's nice to see clean pundits for a change.

Xanthippas said...

Beck is only afraid he'd say something stupid and offensive because he's a moron and he WOULD say something stupid and offensive. So in his case, he's got a reason to be concerned. As for the rest of us decent non-pundit human beings...

JR said...

Actually, you can't be friends with anyone these days. If you are, then anyone who disagrees with your friends will hate you even if you agree with them. Take a look at the case of the border patrol agents in El Paso. The government hates them because they said they were innocent and refused to take a plea. The democrats hate them because their friends are all the right wing anti-immigration folks. You simply have to be very careful, with whom you associate. Most importantly, it is critical that you not have a sense of humor about any of it. Like the sign in the Airport says, "No Joking." Its best to be a pariah, like the drug smuggler in the above referenced case. The US Attorney loves him cause he tesified against the evil agents who covered up their evil crime of covering up the shooting of the drug smuggler, and the Democrats and other immigration advocates love him because he was, at least for a moment, an illegal immigrant (or undocumented worker) who got shot by the evil border patrol. Even better, he will get $5 million by suing the US government. Clearly being a pariah is the only way to go

CitizenBoo said...

I'm just offended because you didn't talk about offending my people, the Jews, and that's the kind of exclusive behavior we don't need on this series of tubes called the internets ...

Sophia said...

Dear Jon,
I am going to offend you. You have such an excellent blog and I am telling all my friends that Satire has a new name and it is Jon Swift. Thanks for all these delicious posts.

R said...

Nice legs, Jon.

Kathleen said...

The compliment I personally am always hoping to hear is: clean. My mother used to ask me if my hands were clean when I was a child. But if anyone has ever said to me, "Oh Kathleen, what a nice, clean woman you are; such a clean woman comes along and it's just like, you know, storybook!" I must have been asleep. Either that or so flattered, I fainted, blacked out probably right into a mound of dirt.

WomanHonorThyself said...

dang I wanted to b the first to compliment the legs but your witty commentors beat me to the punch..but heck I actually know where O'Reilly's comin from on this one...dont throw tomatoes plz!..:)
Have an awesome weekend!..:)

RobW said...

That's strange - I thought O'Reilly was a spectacular boob.

Proffesor Gubler said...

With your article here, I thought you would be very interested in my most recent article. Is my ant Iggy Red enough. It relates very well to a lot of talk going on about a Senator Barack Obama.

field negro said...

Ahhh...I was looking for some white friends. I guess I should cross O Lie-ly and Beck off my list.

Hey, would anyone here like to be my neighbor?

Bitty said...

O'Lielly will be relieved to know that at least one black person is reaching out to him. Ludacris gave him a shout-out when he won his Grammy last night. ;)

Otto Man said...

Nice post, Sugar Tits.

Rotten said...

oh, they can talk to black people just fine, but only in an environment in which they're comfortable.

"YOU CALL THIS LAWN "MOWED"?"

"I ASKED FOR DOUBLE CHEESE ON THIS BIG MAC!"

"IF YOU DON'T GET BACK OUT INTO THE FIELD YOU'LL BE TASTING THE END OF MY LASH!"

i agree with them and i think it's time to go back to antibellum america. that way, white people won't have to be afraid anymore, because they can just sell the black friends they offend.

bpower said...

First time reader from Ireland,I love your writing. You've just been added to my "American conservatives who aren't complete shits" list. It's a short list :(

yank in london said...

There are people actually take O'Reilly and Beck seriously? This is news to me but suddenly I find certain aspects of American life easier to explain.

Thanks for the help!

Nick Kasoff said...

Jon, you are an insensitive boob. White folks have so many tools they are using to destroy black Americans: Those menthol cigs you mentioned are significantly more addictive than non-menthol; the malt liquor is strong, cheap, and comes in bigger bottles than that tony imported beer that white folks drink; the pimp mobile gets lower gas mileage than your Prius, leaving already poor African-Americans particularly susceptible to higher gas prices; and those "hos" you are chasing are suffering from slashed social services caused by the Bush budget cuts. So if those young black men didn't seem interested in hanging with you, you shouldn't be surprised.

Nick Kasoff
The Thug Report

Blogger said...

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