Debate Shows Obama Not Crotchety Enough To Be President

The next President will face a number of challenges at home and abroad. We are going to need a President who will not be afraid to tell Americans to eat their vegetables or to yell at our enemies to get off our lawn. In last night’s debate John McCain won by proving that he is the only candidate who is crotchety enough to lead this country for the next four years, while Barack Obama offered only youthful ideals and unrealistic hopes untempered by grim experience.

As America faces what Sarah Palin discreetly admitted could be another Great Depression, we are going to need a President who will be able to level with Americans that they are going to have to get used to the idea of losing their homes and not being able to get health care instead of filling their heads with false hopes and impossible dreams. We are going to need a President who can tell the American people that they are just going to have to learn to live with crumbling roads and bridges and to just suck it up when their jobs move overseas. John McCain proved last night that he is the man for the job.

As McCain said twice yesterday, apparently because it slipped his mind that he had already said it, which happens sometimes when you get older, he has never won the Miss Congeniality award in the Senate, which is why we need him as President. Who better to berate Americans for the next four years to stop living in a dream world and face the facts? Only John McCain will be able to lecture Americans, based on his own experience, that life isn’t fair and we should stop whining, as his economic adviser Phil Gramm put it.

And as the world gets more and more dangerous, I know I would feel a lot safer with John McCain defending this country from our enemies by cruelly mispronouncing their names and giving them the silent treatment. Let’s just see how President Whatshisname of Iran likes that! The last thing we need is a President who can pronounce "Pakistan" and "Taliban" correctly, as Obama did last night, which has certainly made a number of my friends in the conservative blogosphere suspicious that he is not one of us. Where did Obama learn how to pronounce foreign words correctly? Was it at one of the elite Ivy League schools he attended or in a terrorist training camp?

Last night’s debate gave us a telling insight into how McCain deals with opponents. He never made the mistake a less seasoned man might have made of looking Obama in the eye or even vaguely in his direction. Looking at your opponents gives them the opportunity to give you the evil eye, which unfortunately, may have been what happened to President Bush when he looked Vladimir Putin in the eye and thought he saw his soul. That is not a mistake John McCain will make. Even when he shook hands with Obama at the end of the debate, McCain looked away, refusing to let Obama hypnotize him with his Voodoo magic. That is the kind of strength and steely resolve we need in our next President.

And even if by some miracle our enemies (or even our friends, like Spain) agree to all of our preconditions and McCain condescends to meet with them, McCain will surely treat them with the contempt they deserve, just as he did with Obama last night. Obama was lucky that McCain even deigned to show up to debate him at all, as he made clear time and time again. The way McCain patiently castigated Obama for his naiveté and lectured him time and time again that he just doesn’t understand gave us some insight into McCain’s diplomatic skills, which will also prove useful in his dealings with Congress.

Let’s face it. The future looks bleak. We don’t need a President who is going to run around trying to fix things, falsely reassuring us that the situation isn’t as bad as it seems. We need a crotchety old man who knows what it is like to be trapped in a hopeless situation with little chance of escape, and who won’t be afraid to tell us that we are doomed and if we had only listened to him before he might have been able to do something but now it is too late.

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