Saturday, September 27, 2008

Debate Shows Obama Not Crotchety Enough To Be President

The next President will face a number of challenges at home and abroad. We are going to need a President who will not be afraid to tell Americans to eat their vegetables or to yell at our enemies to get off our lawn. In last night’s debate John McCain won by proving that he is the only candidate who is crotchety enough to lead this country for the next four years, while Barack Obama offered only youthful ideals and unrealistic hopes untempered by grim experience.

As America faces what Sarah Palin discreetly admitted could be another Great Depression, we are going to need a President who will be able to level with Americans that they are going to have to get used to the idea of losing their homes and not being able to get health care instead of filling their heads with false hopes and impossible dreams. We are going to need a President who can tell the American people that they are just going to have to learn to live with crumbling roads and bridges and to just suck it up when their jobs move overseas. John McCain proved last night that he is the man for the job.

As McCain said twice yesterday, apparently because it slipped his mind that he had already said it, which happens sometimes when you get older, he has never won the Miss Congeniality award in the Senate, which is why we need him as President. Who better to berate Americans for the next four years to stop living in a dream world and face the facts? Only John McCain will be able to lecture Americans, based on his own experience, that life isn’t fair and we should stop whining, as his economic adviser Phil Gramm put it.

And as the world gets more and more dangerous, I know I would feel a lot safer with John McCain defending this country from our enemies by cruelly mispronouncing their names and giving them the silent treatment. Let’s just see how President Whatshisname of Iran likes that! The last thing we need is a President who can pronounce "Pakistan" and "Taliban" correctly, as Obama did last night, which has certainly made a number of my friends in the conservative blogosphere suspicious that he is not one of us. Where did Obama learn how to pronounce foreign words correctly? Was it at one of the elite Ivy League schools he attended or in a terrorist training camp?

Last night’s debate gave us a telling insight into how McCain deals with opponents. He never made the mistake a less seasoned man might have made of looking Obama in the eye or even vaguely in his direction. Looking at your opponents gives them the opportunity to give you the evil eye, which unfortunately, may have been what happened to President Bush when he looked Vladimir Putin in the eye and thought he saw his soul. That is not a mistake John McCain will make. Even when he shook hands with Obama at the end of the debate, McCain looked away, refusing to let Obama hypnotize him with his Voodoo magic. That is the kind of strength and steely resolve we need in our next President.

And even if by some miracle our enemies (or even our friends, like Spain) agree to all of our preconditions and McCain condescends to meet with them, McCain will surely treat them with the contempt they deserve, just as he did with Obama last night. Obama was lucky that McCain even deigned to show up to debate him at all, as he made clear time and time again. The way McCain patiently castigated Obama for his naiveté and lectured him time and time again that he just doesn’t understand gave us some insight into McCain’s diplomatic skills, which will also prove useful in his dealings with Congress.

Let’s face it. The future looks bleak. We don’t need a President who is going to run around trying to fix things, falsely reassuring us that the situation isn’t as bad as it seems. We need a crotchety old man who knows what it is like to be trapped in a hopeless situation with little chance of escape, and who won’t be afraid to tell us that we are doomed and if we had only listened to him before he might have been able to do something but now it is too late.

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kathleenmaher said...

I don't watch TV so I'm taking you at your word, Mr. Swift, which like everyone else I've sorely missed.
It surprises me not at all that McCain never won Miss Congeniality.
But didn't Sarah Palin? Or wait: that was Sandra Bullock.

alex said...

So glad you're back, Jon, providing us with a moderate and balanced point of view.

Keep it Swiftian.

g4rg4ntu4 said...

I say!

Hopeless situation? I think not. I have it from the best intelligence that the fundamentals of the economy are strong.

Now get off my land!

Yours etc.


p.s. two posts in as many days. Callooh! Callay!

Angry African said...

What hit me was how smug and stupid McCain is and was on the debate. Not an inch of decency. Not even close to Presidential. More like a school bully who knows he is losing his power to push people around. What I can't understand is some people will still vote for him even after the economy is crashing and people are dying in needless wars. I used to ask whether these people are stupid. Now I know, "yes, they are". One thing for them… If McCain wins - it's your choice. You make your choice. Live with it, pay up the next $700 billion+ and shut the f*ck up. You just lost your right to b*tch.

J.D. Connor said...

I, too, am glad this reasonable conservative voice has returned. I am sad to lose the stylings of AHB III, of course. (Or was I not supposed to say that?)

K.D. said...

Is Phil Gramm whining that he's the one who deregulated the banks and Wall Street, and caused the mess we're in? No, because regulation is un-American and hamstrings the heroic Captains of Industry. He would be a catastrophe as Secretary of the Treasury.

J. said...

Oh, so you want Jimmy Carter (he of the cardigan sweater) to be president again! And here I thought you were a Conservative.

Btw, please remember to eat your veggies, brush after every meal, and get a good night's sleep tonight.

Anonymous said...

Riddle me this? Are the warm fuzzy feelings from Obama going to benefit my President? How will they benefit my country and me? When the collective media took a pass on Bush for Iraq over ratings salivating, how hard will it be to hold Mr Rogers Neighborhood accountable or seek for transparency? Does my country deserve the popular kid in the room or around the world or the one most qualified? If I don't vote for Obama, am I turning my back on America emitting warm fuzzy feeling around the globe? Goodwill may show empathy but not action. Is inaction the best policy? Let everyone in the world catch up to our standard and standard of living? My vote is for America and not for the world. Call me selfish or anything you like. I haven't seen much of that outside world helping us or their press. Feel good stories sell but not my vote.

Joy said...

I am so pleased that I have found your blog, Jon Swift. You are a bright spot on the political blogosphere. I also make attempts to bring some sense to the political menagerie on Radically Right Ugly where I have added your blog to my list of thinking people.

I also read through some of your book reviews which are quite brilliant and made me laugh out loud literally. Thank you!

Dick Durata said...

Once again a wonderful post, Jon! I'd just like to point out though, which Jon strangely forgot to do, is that George Bush, despite his tender age and seemingly fit body, has managed to be a supremely crotchety leader throughout his Presidency.
There's no need to point out the odd remarks, goofs, moments of bad temper, improvised massages and other examples of leadership that Our Leader has shown.
Was it the that the young Bush was able to age his faculties with repeated administrations of alcohol and other substances? Could Science use these revelations to construct young crotchety leaders that can move on to new crotchety levels as they age? Maybe the statute of limitations should be reformed!
We can only hope that John McCain can live up to this supreme example, and continue moving America into the distant future.

Christian said...

Dear Jon,

I am profoundly delighted that Senator McCain in these days is providing such a fountain of inspiration for your conservative thoughts. May it last at least into the month of November.

saskboy said...

My XM radio actually came in handy Friday, as the only station I get had exactly the debate I wanted to hear, playing on it. It's amazing technology that I one day hope John McCain will learn to use.

Carl said...

Barack Obama offered only youthful ideals and unrealistic hopes untempered by grim experience.

Sir, Senator Obamamama scares me precisely because he's so clean!

Comrade Kevin said...

Obama's not cranky enough to be President, either.

Micgar said...

I think Obama needs crotchety lessons!

Woody (Tokin Librul/Rogue Scholar/ Helluvafella!) said...

Wel, back, he said becomingly...

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