Jonah Goldberg's Shining (Liberal Fascism with LOLcats)

All work and no play makes Jonah a dull boy. But two years after the scheduled publication of Jonah Goldberg's magnum opus Liberal Fascism, there is no evidence that he has actually written anything other than the subtitle -- again and again and again, like Jack Nicholson in The Shining. And now he is even rewriting that. The original subtitle, "The Totalitarian Temptation from Mussolini to Hillary Clinton," had to be changed, probably because the publisher worried that Hillary Clinton would no longer be President by the time the book came out.

But the new subtitle, "The Totalitarian Temptation from Hegel to Whole Foods," has come under some criticism from jealous wags. "I’ve met John Mackey a number of times and I know for a fact that he’s not a 'fascist,' nor does he distribute 'fascist food,'" wrote Tom Palmer about the founder of Whole Foods. "Fascism is a more complicated subject than he makes it sound," Goldberg responded wearily, clearly worn out by all the energy he has expended rewriting the subtitle. "'I know John Mackey, John Mackey is a friend of mine, and he's no fascist,' is a pretty vapid argument."

But in defending the subtle new subtitle, Goldberg has dropped a few tantalizing hints as to what the book is going to be about once he starts writing it. Apparently, Goldberg unearths for the first time shocking similarities between Nazis and liberals. For example, Nazis wanted to clean up the environment. So do liberals! Nazis wanted to cure cancer. So do liberals! Nazis liked organic food and many were vegetarians. So are many liberals! A lot of Nazis were gay and a lot of liberals are, too! Nazis made Volkswagons and liberals love to drive them! Hitler loved dogs and so do many liberals! (which is why many conservatives like Kathryn Jean Lopez were very relieved to discover that Mitt Romney hates dogs). Goldberg's book will explore the remarkably nuanced similarities between liberals and Nazis and not be the simplistic exercise in liberal bashing his critics claim it will be without even reading the book, which isn't even written yet.

Like many conservatives I can't wait for Goldberg to publish his book, which he promises will be "a very serious, thoughtful, argument that has never been made in such detail or with such care." But the publication date keeps getting pushed farther and farther into the future. The first sign of trouble was when Goldberg asked for help from readers of The Corner. "I'm working on a chapter of the book which requires me to read a lot about and by Herbert Spencer," Goldberg said. "There's simply no way I can read all of it, nor do I really need to. But if there are any real experts on Spencer out there -- regardless of ideological affiliation -- I'd love to ask you a few questions in case I'm missing something." The idea that he would try to read any Spencer at all before writing about him already struck me as biting off more than he could chew. But the addition of Hegel to the new subtitle raises more troubling questions. Hegel is even more tedious and difficult to understand than Spencer and I'm afraid that finding someone who can explain Hegel to Goldberg is going to take up yet more precious time. After all, Hegel himself reportedly said, "Only one man ever understood me, and even he didn't understand me."

I don't know how Goldberg can possibly meet his deadline in time for the book to come out on the latest publication date -- December 26 of this year -- so I have an idea that will save Goldberg a lot of time writing and also spare the reader from having to plow through too much prose once it's finished. Most of Goldberg's ideas could be expressed much more economically, not to mention entertainingly, by using LOLcats, an Internet meme where pictures of cats and other cute animals (or "varmints," as Mitt Romney likes to call them) are captioned with grammatically challenged prose. Cats are thematically appropriate because they are often used to depict Nazis in such books as Art Spiegelman's Maus and Maus II. And conveniently, many cats look like Adolf Hitler so these "kitlers," as they are called, can be used as pictorial shorthand to depict liberals.

Using LOLcats to express his ideas instead of boring old-fashioned prose would also help Goldberg appeal to a new generation of young people who seem to be getting more and more liberal according to recent polls. In fact, I think Goldberg could solicit the help of many young Photoshop whizzes on the Internet to write the book for him. Below, I have already provided a few suggestions to start the ball rolling. Feel free to email me or drop links in the comments to your own examples and I will post the links here.

Introduction: A Very Serious Book








Chapter 1: Hegel









Chapter 5: Why Do Liberals Hate Adam Smith?










Chapter 13: Nazis and Liberals: Separated at Birth?













Chapter 24: Rachel Carson, Nazi













Chapter 27: Gay Marriage and the Decline of Western Civilization










Chapter 32: Fighting Islamofascism











Chapter 33: They're Taking Our Guns Away!












Chapter 35: Food Fascism











Chapter 46: How We Can Fight the Whole Foods Menace











Update: Im in ur blogosphere writin ur book:

Pinko Punko from Three Bulls is the first to meet the challenge with the dust jacket and some more chapters:

Prologue: Liberal fascism is tempting!










Chapter 36: Food Fascism II













Blurb: im in ur pornography knowin it when I seez it. o book is fine kthxbye










My Signature weapon presents Chapter 4: Liberty and the Marketplace of Ideas

Reader Ginsu Chef sends along Chapter 42: Protecting Democracy from Democrats:














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