Taliban Rules

The election setback has left Republicans in Congress searching for fresh, new ideas. How can they convince people within the next two years that they deserve to be in power again? I think I might have the solution. The Swiss weekly, Die Weltwoche recently published the Taliban's new book of rules, or Layeha, which were adopted this fall during a high Taliban meeting, and translated them into English for the first time. After reading them, I'm beginning to think we may have misjudged the Taliban and it may not be such a bad thing after all that they are coming back into power. And with just a little tweaking these Taliban Rules could be adopted by Republicans in Congress, replacing the Ferengi Rules of Acquisition which the last session of Congress had unofficially adopted. A Talibanesque Contract with America might just be enough to restore the confidence of the American people in the Republican Congressional leadership.

Many of these commonsense guidelines impose strict discipline and accountability, which would be just as good for Republicans as it has been for the Taliban. If Congress had adopted Taliban Rule No. 9 (Taliban may not use Jihad equipment or property for personal ends) and Rule No. 10 (Every Talib is accountable to his superiors in matters of money spending and equipment usage) before the election, the notion that the Republican Congress was corrupt would have been nipped in the bud.

Now that Tom Delay has left Congress because he believes he could exert more influence as a blogger, there is no one to enforce loyalty to the President's policies anymore. I doubt Senator Gordon Smith would have given that "emotional" speech, as Tony Snow called it, if he had known that he would be subject to Taliban Rule No. 4: A convert to the Taliban, who does not behave loyally and becomes a traitor, forfeits our protection. He will be given no second chance.

Some of the Taliban Rules would reinforce Republican dedication to traditional constituencies. Evangelicals who support more religion in the schools would applaud Rules 24-26, which forbid non-religiously trained teachers, although beating and killing teachers and burning down schools would probably seem a bit harsh to some, even though they may be sympathetic to the principle behind them. I think these are examples of rules that would have to tweaked just a bit. Rule No. 16, which says "It is strictly forbidden to search houses or confiscate weapons," would be applauded by the NRA, who may be tempted to support the Democrats now that they love guns, too. Even liberals would be happy with Rule No. 18 (Mujahideen should refrain from smoking cigarettes) since just about everyone hates smokers. I don't think there would be too many people who would object to enforcing a little discipline Taliban-style on the one minority no one cares about, and who will be dead pretty soon anyway.

But perhaps the regulation that would most convince people that the Republicans really are cleaning house is Rule No. 19 (Mujahideen are not allowed to take young boys with no facial hair onto the battlefield or into their private quarters). Apparently, this is as big a problem among the Taliban as it is with Republican Congressmen. If only that rule had been enforced before the election, Republicans might still be in power. I think the GOP could learn a lot from the Taliban, who may not be so different after all.

Update on the Weblog Awards: Absolutely, we're winning, to borrow a phrase from President Bush. Don't believe the exit polls as reported by the liberal media. Vote here. (And if you're still not convinced why letting Jon Swift lose would let the terrorists win, go here and scroll down to the end of the post for a list of links to the Best of Jon Swift.)

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