Monday, January 05, 2009

Jon Swift's Predictions for 2009

Although I made some eerily prescient predictions for 2007 and 2006, I never got around to foretelling what 2008 had in store for us. Considering how spot-on my election coverage was, especially in such pieces as "Why McCain Will Win," "Barack Obama Should Concede the Nomination to Hillary," "Barack Obama's Achilles Heel," "The Iowa Caucus Results Explained" and "When Giuliani Is President, Every Day Will Be 9/11," all of which proved to be more true than not, it's too bad I did not venture to make predictions for 2008, which certainly would have put me on a par with such perspicacious prognosticators as William Kristol and Dick Morris. So I decided not to make that mistake again and give my dear readers another peek into my crystal ball. I ask only that you use my frighteningly accurate psychic powers for good and not evil.

  • President Barack Obama decides that on second thought things are just fine the way they are and he doesn't want to change a thing.
  • Axl Rose withdraws Guns N Roses' Chinese Democracy, saying he needs just a little more time to work on it. Sources close to the artist reveal that he especially regretted the lack of cowbell.
  • Twitter invents a device that can be implanted users' brains allowing them to tweet every random thought to their followers.
  • When Google's stock price plummets, the company announces that it will no longer not be evil, which gets a thumbs up from Wall Street analysts.
  • In a desperate bid for attention, Britney Spears does something really embarrassing.
  • President Obama paints the White House black realizing the worst fears of some Americans.
  • As production costs skyrocket, Hollywood begins outsourcing all of its productions to Bollywood. A three-hour feel-good musical sequel to The Dark Knight starring Amitabh Bachchan is the year's biggest hit.
  • YouTube begins a crackdown on really crappy videos.
  • A tasty and nutritious new snack food imported from China called Soylent Green becomes wildly popular though no one is quite sure what's in it and the FDA says it doesn't have the resources to find out but trusts the Chinese government's safeguards.
  • After crunching the numbers, NBC executives decide that in addition to giving Jay Leno the 10 to 11 p.m. slot, they will replace the rest of the schedule with homemade cable access programming, saving the network millions of dollars in production costs.
  • With the benefit of hindsight historians conclude that President Bush really was one of our greatest presidents after all.
  • As in-fighting among his cabinet members threatens to derail his Presidency, Obama fires his entire cabinet and replaces them with yes-men.
  • With the Minnesota Senate election hopelessly deadlocked, the Minnesota legislature rejects both Norm Coleman and Al Franken and instead appoints Tom Davis.
  • Andrew Sullivan breaks with Obama, calling him the Worst President Ever, announces he is supporting Sarah Palin for President in 2012, converts to Islam and urges his readers to wage jihad, divorces his husband and denounces homosexuality as an "abomination."
  • Despite losing millions of dollars in a series of high-profile memoirs that turn out to be hoaxes the publishing industry rejects calls to hire fact-checkers to read manuscripts as economically unfeasible and instead institutes a policy to make authors swear on a stack of Bibles and cross-their-hearts-hope-to-die that their books are true.
  • Rod Blagojevich's plan to sell his position as a jail-yard bitch to the highest bidder is foiled by a prison stooge.
  • Steve Jobs announces that he will resign as CEO of Apple and replaces himself with his little-known brother Raul Jobs.
  • After a Pentagon study group recommends changes in the "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy on gays in the military, Obama replaces it with a new policy called "Don't Even Ask, Don't Even Tell, I'm Warning You," a compromise that makes no one happy.
  • Wii introduces a popular new remote that allows you to play its games sitting down and moving only your fingers.
  • Joe the Plumber submits a bill for his time in the spotlight to the American people, who are shocked to discover how high it is. A report by the Congressional Accounting Office reveals that more than half of the charges are for time spent sitting around and waiting for parts.
  • Gay marriage activism fizzles as gays decide they would rather just live together instead of getting married, shocking and embarrassing their parents.
  • Sarah Palin is ridiculed when a man she has just pardoned is mistakenly executed right behind her as she is giving an interview about the pardon to local news media.
  • After weeks of rumors President Obama confirms in a press conference that he's got a basketball jones, which he has had ever since he was a little baby, and will be seeking treatment.
  • A shark-jumping contest on an episode of Lost has fans finally giving up on the show for good.
  • Jon Swift loses the Weblog Award for Best Humor Blog by just one vote when one of his readers decides that voting is pointless because "everything is controlled by multinational corporations anyway." Vote here to make sure this is one prediction that doesn't come true.
Carnivals: Carnival of Satire

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Julian Meteor said...

I am ONLY commenting because NO other reader has.

I laughed FOUR times at your post.
ONCE out loud, ONCE on the floor, ONCE quietly and ONCE whilst pissing myself.
I WAS, however, pissing myself BEFORE I got to the funny bit of text (long story), so I do NOT know if that counts.

Happy New Year, JS!!!!! lol

yellojkt said...

I predict that some right wing blogger will latch onto some innocuous comment by Obama and trumpet it as a major gaffe.

I also predict 365 sunrises this year. (I'm 5 for 5 so far).

Sam Thornton said...

What an astounding coincidence! I, too, have psychic powers, only mine is mind reading. Unfortunately, I can only read the minds of very boring people, so this is a mixed blessing.

There is one exception, a strange ability that works over the internet:

The Pajama Pundit said...

Laugh-out-loud funny Jon. Great stuff. I particularly enjoyed your bits about 'Chinese Democracy' and the tear on Andrew Sullivan. HI-larious!

Congrats on your Weblog Award finalist status. Thank you for your kind words, and best of luck to you... I'll be voting for you!

Julian Meteor said...

PJ Pundit, I THINK the modern-day expression you are THINKING of is GLOL. As in GENUINELY laughing out loud.

GET with the times!!!!!! GLOL

slag said...

I predict that, finally realizing the country is eager for a new direction, Harry Reid will start quoting Snoop Dog at the beginning of every one of his Senate speeches. Starting with, "In the words of Snoop Doggy Dog, one of our country's most distinguished luminaries, 'If it ain't one thing, it's a muthaf*ckin' 'nother'..."

Tattoosydney said...

Prediction most likely to come true:

"Andrew Sullivan breaks with Obama, calling him the Worst President Ever, announces he is supporting Sarah Palin for President in 2012, converts to Islam and urges his readers to wage jihad, divorces his husband and denounces homosexuality as an "abomination."

Carl said...

Mr Swift, sir, will my hero, Joe The Plummer, be caught with his pant down this year?

Sher said...

Sooo funny. Sooo funny!

Monkay said...

Before voting for this site, I believed a tree was just a tree and a mountain was just a mountain. After voting for this site, I believe that a tree is just a tree and a mountain is just a mountain.

James Higham said...

Right Jon, all done since you visited earlier.

And by the way - aren't plumbers always caught with their pants down?

nv1962 said...

Concerning the Andrew Sullivan prediction bits, I believe it's pertinent to also keep in mind that the difference between pursuing "yeehaw" and "jihad" is one other such instance of liberal-infested nuance in pronunciation. Like French benefits, them thar traitorous rascals.

Otherwise: well done, sir, well done.

J. said...

My prediction for 2009, guaranteed to come true? George W. Bush will no longer be President of the United States after January 20, 2009.

Q.Rock639 said...

You're a funny guy!

"After weeks of rumors President Obama confirms in a press conference that he's got a basketball jones"

Anyone who can work a Cheech and Chong reference and Prez Elec. O, has my vote! That and the paint the White House black, P-Funk style, made me happy today! Gracias~

Julian Meteor said...

They've ALREADY painted the door of 10 Downing Street black and Gordon's not EVEN black...
he's BROWN!!!!!!! lol


(Joke of the day?)

Bukko_in_Australia said...

Forget this 2009 Predictions thing. I say "Give us your predictions for 2008!" You're sure to hit that one right out of the park!

Micgar said...

And we had to endure Joe TP's "plumber's crack"! I think he was on some crack too!

Anonymous said...

I can only pray that your Amitabh Bachchan prediction comes true.

suite-e-pi said...

Mr. Swift, these predictions are so present! Your always right! I know you are!

PS I vote for you every day and tell all my friends. If you don't win its because most people are stupid.

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