Tuesday, August 22, 2006

It's Not You, Jacqueline Mackie Paisley Passey, It's Me

Dear Jackie:
I don't know how to say this in a delicate way so let me just be blunt: I'm just not that into you. I will say, however, I was very flattered by your recent blog post outlining why you are such a good catch. Naturally, I interpreted this as your way of trying to get my attention. Even though I do not meet every one of the "long list of requirements" you seek in a companion, you and I both know that some of the "requirements" on your list were only there to give you a modicum of deniability that it was me you were looking for. But if that's what you need to preserve some shred of dignity after I have rejected you, then I am willing to play along.

Even if I were not unavailable, considering that I'm married and not French, I can't think of any circumstances under which I would even consider a relationship with you no matter how much you begged me. In fact, if we were the last two people on Earth I would prefer that we just be friends, if that. I'm sorry if you think it's arrogant of me to say this, but I think it's better for you that I let you know this now and nip your infatuation in the bud because I think the longer your obsession with me goes on the more difficult it's going to be for you, and I want to save you from as much pain and embarrassment as possible. Consider this post the virtual equivalent of ripping off a Band-Aid really fast. But having said all that, I hope you don't take any of this personally because it's really not you, Jacqueline Mackie Paisley Passey, it's me.

It's not that I'm picky. On paper you certainly do seem to be quite a catch. As you yourself have helpfully pointed out, you do indeed seem to be slim, attractive, relatively young, intelligent, educated, financially secure, libidinous, and you have a great number of interests that "tend to be more popular with men than women: science fiction, libertarianism, blogging, politics, economics, guns, gambling," not to mention your love for Ayn Rand. You would think any man would be grateful to find such a woman and it is no doubt why you "typically receive 50-100 (sometimes more) responses whenever I post personal ads." If love were something you could calculate on a spreadsheet, then I would have to say you would add up to be the perfect match. And yet, as baffling as it may be, although Mrs. Swift is a bit plump, odd-looking, getting on in years, slightly dim-witted, badly educated, terrible with money, sexually apathetic (though dutiful) and completely uninterested in my blog or any of my other hobbies, I would not think of leaving her for you even if you paid me a million dollars (though if you are willing to pay me a million dollars you are certainly welcome to make the offer and I promise to think about it). So what is it that I see in Mrs. Swift? Well, I cannot tell you what exactly, except perhaps it's because she laughs at all of my jokes. For some reason, and I may be wrong about this, I get the distinct impression that there would come a day when you would turn to me and say, "I don't get it. Is that supposed to be funny?"

I think it was very kind of you to offer all of the "delusionally hopeful men" you've rejected sound advice on how they can find someone more suitable, such as by lowering their standards, finding a mail-order bride in the developing world or joining a gym. So let me offer you some advice in kind. Why not try looking for a man that doesn't meet every single one of your high standards? It might actually be fun trying to improve someone a little. (Although I completely agree with you that poverty is a sign of weak character, which is why you would "never date someone in a lower socioeconomic class.") And instead of looking for a man who appreciates all of your virtues, maybe you would be better off finding someone who loves you in spite of your flaws. Because no matter how good the man you find looks on paper, he is bound to disappoint you for some reason at some point, and no matter how in awe of your excellent qualities he may be at first, he is sure to find something to nit-pick eventually.

I'm really sorry things just couldn't work out between us. In time I'm sure you'll get over me though I know it may seem difficult at first. So my parting advice to you is to stop sitting by the phone writing Jacqueline Mackie Paisley Passey Swift over and over and over again and get right back out there. In the end you may not find the perfect man, but you might just find a man who can at least remember all of your names.
Best of Luck!
Jon Swift

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15 comments:

Beth said...

Tacky Jackie's so Rand it's utterly nauseating. And for such a "relatively young" girl of 28, shouldn't she have outgrown that tripe about ten years ago?

RE: Mrs. Swift--It pleases me to know that the two of you have found a mutually beneficial relationship, despite the potentially unfavorable cost/benefit analysis of a marriage transaction!

/I think I just threw up a little in my mouth, channeling that nonsense

Howie said...

Well, Well, Well, If it isn't little miss perfect.

annika said...

Its for the best. lol. The last thing that girl needs is another name.

outofcontext said...

You are quite the gentleman Jon Swift, although, the public nature of your civility is a little unseemly. This woman, who is not pretty enough to play Daniel Pearl's wife in a movie, is neurotic enough to marry a Kennedy. I prefer a more substantial woman, a creative woman, a woman who will stand behind her man 100 percent. I am speaking of Lynne Cheney, of course. I rue the day my wife found my dogeared copy of Sisters , and in a fit of rage, soaked it in Bourbon and threw it in the fireplace. I paid $212.00 for that thing on ebay.

BenMerc said...

"The last thing that girl needs is another name"

Now that's funny...

And if enough smart fellers read her auto-bio, she just may not get another one.

Tony said...

That was reaaly a well written post. Nicely done.

Anonymous said...

Well, in all seriousness, I couldn't put my finger on why Jackie's list gave me a kneejerk reaction of "what a twit" despite her general point seeming sound. On the one hand, most woman figure out, oh, in high school, that while sometimes just being yourself will incite drooly boys to get unrequitted crushes, more often there's a thing called leading them on, and it's lame. On the other, she was after all just being honest, and it is equally lame that a woman has to modulate just being herself to fend off drooly men. Jon parses out Jackie's narcissism, arriving at exactly why she's a twit, and the amusing analysis is appreciated.

Jae said...

I almost destroyed my retinas with a plastic knife after reading her post. I am glad you let her down easy.

Bulworth said...

Well, Miss Paisley certainly is very attractive, but as a true red conservative male, let me say she's not properly submissive and deferential enough to the male gender for my taste.

Ignatius J. Reilly said...

My God! The woman is about as decent a catch as a basketful of red-tide-infested mad cow brains! Look at her other pictures -- she's a funglitard, a skank, a cretin beyond measure! I fear my valve is closing at the very thought of our genitalia commingling in a Biblical way. I need a hot dog at once!

maximo said...

is "randian" synonymous with "humorless-and-can't-laugh-at-oneself"?

lordy, the woman got me flushed and banned at my usual forum (the fray at slate) for posting about her qualitiedness.

attagirl! go libertarianishism!!

in fairness, i did violate (in a superficial sense) the forum's policy against impersonating others, but it's not like anyone was under the genuine impression that jackie mackie paisley passey was actually posting there.

ah well, the perils of taking people at their word.

Anonymous said...

Unless she was born malformed, so that her cleavage forms up at her collar bone, that top photo is Adobe-enhanced. Kind of sad, really, but not surprising considering that she apparently has to spend so much time on the internet, looking up all kinds of statistics to reassure herself of her own superiority. Serious self esteem issues?

Also, if she really was all that-and a bag of Objectivist chips, I don't think she'd have to degrade herself by dating Jason Fortuny (RFJason, of the 'Craigslist sex experiment' fame), or have to rely on online gambling links on her blog to make a living.

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