Thursday, August 24, 2006

Science Is Dead

Recently there was some controversy when the Bush Administration accidentally left off evolution from a list of subjects eligible for government grants--whoops! But Mark Noonan at Blogs for Bush has an even better suggestion: That we just leave off science altogether. The debate between Evolution and Intelligent Design, he says, "got me thinking, and today ii [sic] occured [sic] to me: science is dead. We have reached the end of the Age of Science." I must say I haven't been so happy since we reached the End of History. What is especially great about Noonan's theory that science is dead is that he doesn't have to conduct any experiments or present any evidence to prove science is dead because science would actually have to be alive to do that.

Noonan is very skeptical about the whole idea of scientific "truth" anyway. He believes that what killed science was that "its strongest advocates stopped telling the truth." He cites such hoaxes as the Piltdown Man and Haeckel's Embryo's (which he misspells but only a pedantic scientific type would worry about trivial inaccuracies like that) as evidence that some scientists are always trying to pull the wool over people's eyes while the rest are too gullible to realize it. Of course, these two hoaxes would not have existed if scientists hadn't been fooled by the biggest hoax of them all, Darwinism, which according to a new documentary is responsible for the Holocaust. And we've just discovered that scientists have been lying to us for years about Pluto being a planet.

Not only are scientists responsible for bad things like the Holocaust, they are always trying to scare us about bad things that don't exist like global warming. Frankly, it's a wonder scientists have any credibility at all considering how they are always trying to terrify us with alerts of threats that don't pan out and lying about things that turn out not to exist. Only a scientific dead-ender could think that anything scientists say should be believed. I'm glad the Bush Administration has done something about it, fighting the War on Science with the same fervor it has brought to the War on Terror and the War in Iraq and all of the other wars it has declared.

Now that two of my least favorite subjects in school, science and history, are dead, I'm hoping that the Bush Administration will redouble its efforts to kill off two other subjects I didn't much care for, Math and Geography. While important strides have been made, I still think more can be done to send Math and Geography to the dustbin of History, which, course, has itself been sent to the dustbin of . . . something else, I guess. I'm not ready to declare victory until our schools are teaching only two subjects: Religion and Gym.

Noonan points out, in fact, that taking religion out of the schools may have been what caused the demise of science. "Why did science stray from the path of truth?" he writes. "I think it is because we ceased educating the men of science with a knowledge of religion." He goes on to say that science died when it "became a narrowly forcused [sic] search for something immediately practical." This concern for practicality, he says, led to Marxism.

Now I suppose a few namby-pamby intellectuals will try to point out that scientists are responsible for a lot of practical things we enjoy, like decaffeinated coffee, Velcro and spell-checkers. Like Al Gore, they will probably try to take credit for inventing the Internet, too. But we wouldn't have those things unless God wanted us to have them. They, are, in short, modern miracles. I think that even if God decides not to give us anymore "scientific" miracles, when you weigh all the bad that science has been responsible for (the Holocaust, Marxism, cable television) against the few modern conveniences we enjoy, I think you'll agree that the death of science is a good thing and we should all thank President Bush for helping to kill it off.

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67 comments:

BaconEating AtheistJew said...

With Armageddon right around the corner, science and history is indeed dead or at least on it's last legs:)

Anonymous said...

OMG I have stumbled upon the blog for cave dwelling idiotarians!

Yeah, lets stop funding science! BRILLIANT!!

And Armageddons right around the corner!! So who needs science anyway!

I've seen some idiotic right wing sites, but this one takes the cake.

Congrats on being #1!!

cwazycajun said...

but dont u need science to build bombs to kill ppl??? oh I mean pl that dont belive what u belive

Your Uncle Bastard said...

Anonymous, you really must be a rightard. Do you know how to read? Are you not familiar with satire?

I guess you were the Child Left Behind in Bushworld...sad.

Redleg said...

Nice dig at Al Gore. Trotting out that old strawman to attack Al Gore, who was instrumental as a Congressman in getting the support for the internet. Only a friggin' rube or Republican would actually believe that Al Gore claimed to invent the technology behind the internet. Of course you Republican rubes voted for Bush, so anything can happen.

Seitz said...

Umm, folks, please check the name of the person writing this blog again, then do a quick search on wikipedia for that name. Then proceed to bang your head into a wall for about an hour. Thanks.

Fitz in Canada said...

Jeez, Anonymous and Redleg, have you heard of SATIRE? Do you think any of this post was meant as anything other than IRONY???

Swift: excellent, funny post. I suppose it's partly a measure of its success as satire that it went over some people's heads.

happy mcshingles said...

I blame the Daou Report.

When I'm not blaming Clinton, that is.

Anonymous said...

Good stuff. A conservative hasn't made me laugh this much since Bush's last press conference.

Matt said...

Anyone who seems unable to process the satire from just the following:

Now that two of my least favorite subjects in school, science and history, are dead, I'm hoping that the Bush Administration will redouble its efforts to kill off two other subjects I didn't much care for, Math and Geography. While important strides have been made, I still think more can be done to send Math and Geography to the dustbin of History, which, course, has itself been sent to the dustbin of . . . something else, I guess. I'm not ready to declare victory until our schools are teaching only two subjects: Religion and Gym.

....genuinely deserves all the ridicule they get.

Samurai Sam said...

I think it's a good measure of just how moronic rightwing blogs are that certain commentors aren't getting the satire. It's hard to satirize what is already absurd.

mrgumby2u said...

Screw all that. If I had to take all those classes in school, kids today need to take them too. In fact, I'm feeling kind of cheated. When I had to study evolution, there was no other side of the debate to study with it. Just one more example of how kids today get all the good stuff.

Davebo said...

And this guy (Noonan) is 40 years old???

Are those dog years?

Anonymous said...

You would think that all these Democrats and liberals would get the humor and satire here...it is meant to be funny. After all, anyone who votes for flip-flop Kerry must have a real good sense of humor.

Anonymous said...

I hated gym and geometry myself. How about killing them off?

Frederick

gawker said...

good job regurgitating republican talking points anonymous. Do you really want me to bring up a list of things bush has flip flopped on? eg : creating a 9/11 commission, etc?

melior said...

Jon,

Theologians have proven that science is just another religion like Islam, Scientology, or Atheism. Since science, Allah, Thetans, etc. are not written about in the Bible, these other religions simply must be wrong.

Besides, our God can kick those scientists' god's ass, any day of the week. (Not so sure about Allah, but I'm willing to be the next round He could take him best 2 out of 3.)

Anonymous said...

I love how we get blamed for the dishonesty of a few scientists. A small percentage break the rules, and we all get blamed. Imagine if the same standards were held for presidents? All Republican presidents would be liars because of Nixon, and all Democrat presidents would be perverts because of Clinton.

When I was in grad school, I had to take an ethics class specifically because of these few bad scientists who are a small percentage of the many million scientists the world over. Maybe all our presidents should get an ethics class and a chastity belt?

Oh well. Back to "praying" up some new antibiotics.

John said...

...scientists are responsible for a lot of practical things we enjoy, like decaffeinated coffee, Velcro and spell-checkers.

Based on the evidence at hand, I don't think spell-checkers exist in Noonan's world.

BTW, any idea whether he's any relation to the infamous Peggy Noonan, of dolphin-angel fame? Or is this just a minor coincidence?

Anonymous said...

John,
Yes, if there was any doubt, he is Peggy's kid.

beajerry said...

I majored in Religious Athletics in college.

Svlad Jelly said...

I look forward to my new life as a hunter-gatherer. At least I'll get more exercise.

David said...

Hilarious!
You are the Colbert Report of bloggers.

Denis Robert said...

Melior: Theologians cannot "prove" anything, much less that science is a religion. Have you ever read anything written by a theologian? All they do is argue about the inner worth in the Divine's eyes of their navel lint. Puh-lease!

Science is a process, not a set of beliefs. So, by definition, it CANNOT be a religion. Period. Scientists may hold beliefs, but that is their own personal failing, not that of Science as a process.

Joe said...

>>Noonan points out, in fact, that taking religion out of the schools may have been what caused the demise of science. "Why did science stray from the path of truth?" he writes. "I think it is because we ceased educating the men of science with a knowledge of religion." He goes on to say that science died when it "became a narrowly forcused [sic] search for something immediately practical." This concern for practicality, he says, led to Marxism.<<

Hmmm. Prayer and religion being taught in public schools (and only public schools) stopped in the 1960s. Marx and Engels wrote the Communist Manifesto in 1848 and Marx wrote Das Kapital in1867. So if removal of prayer and religion from public schools in the US in the 1960s led to Marxism which began in the 1800s then it must have been those blasted scientists who did it with their dreaded time travel machines. Damn those scientists!

Dave a.k.a. Dagfari said...

Added you to blogroll

add me

www.internettimes.org

Mark W. said...

It is telling that many "would be" supporters of your views (at least judging by their comments here) have lacked the insight to recognize the blatant satire.

Of course it is ridiculously hasty to proclaim science "dead," but the simplicity with which you brush aside contemporary criticism of "Scientism" is also premature. There is a real problem these days coming from "pop-science writers" to move too quickly from real scientific research to normative generalizations which the actual findings could never support. They are philosophers (and sometimes theologians of a sort) disguised in white lab-coats.

In short, I enjoyed the satire, but I still think that in the spirit of science and skepticism, one should also be on the lookout for the abuse of real science coming from those in the pop-science community who deceptively speculate and philosophize while calling their assumptions the conclusions of science.

L said...

heh heh heh

loved this

I am still perplexed that people don't understand the satire, however. You don't even need the "Jon Swift" at the top to be able to tell....

Jae said...

Gym and Playtime. That's all I need.

Anonymous said...

So, the science that led to the Internet and computers which let you spew some of the most ignorant rants I have ever heard is dead and now evil? Hypocrisy is NOT a good trait. Do you use electricity? Do you drive a car? Do you have a credit card or a bank account? Do you take medicine when you are sick? Your whole life is surrounded by science. The military you so support, but probably never joined, is the most powerful in history because of science. Your arguments are weak and pathetic. Put down the bible and read a science book. The world will be much better off.

Sporkey said...

Scientists gave us decaffeinated coffee??? I say not only do we consider science dead, but that we should fastidiously kill any remnants of the diseased Science culture. For surely, if God had intended us to have Decaf, the He would have sent It down straight from Heaven! Yes, Science is Dead, and it should be our Holy Mission to strike as God would and eradicate this Cancer of Man and God!

Zadillo said...

In response to the people saying that some people here aren't getting the satire.... it seems like the "anonymous" post is the main one that people are talking about. However, I'm not totally sure if they were responding to this blog, or to Noonan's. It seems within the realm of possibility at least that anonymous was talking about Noonan's blog. Either way, it seems like just about everyone else gets the satire in Jon Swift's response to Noonan's blog.

John B. said...

Found you via 3 Quarks Daily, and very pleased that I did. I have a short post up at my place that I hope will direct tens of people to yours.

I've added you to my blogroll; I hope you'll reciprocate.

Anonymous said...

this was supposed to be comedy right? every aspect of our lives are impacted by science. he says something about the year 1850. the computer was not invented until some time after the great depression. this is the most ignorant, idiotic rant i have every read. i feel my i.q. dropped 10 points reading it.

outofcontext said...

Great, great post. You are constantly leading me to the great original thinkers of our day.
It amuses me particularly to see scientists struggle with this string theory business. They actually try and teach our kids that there are alternate universes whose invisible forces shape our world. All in some lame attempt to find a single theory of how this world came to be and works. Imagine trying to simplify this complex and miraculous world into a simple one reason fits all system. God must be laughing in heaven, at himself of course, for designing these lunatics who say the things they say.
Also, I'm getting a little peeved at all the off topic literary definitions your liberal trolls keep posting. We know the definition of satire, ok. We get it.There are plenty of lit. theory blogs to have those discussions on.

Bryce said...

Science died when Gallileo proposed that the earth was not the center of the universe. Darwin was just another nail in the coffin.

Jon Swift said...

Let me just state for the record that I am vehemently opposed to satire, which I believe saps the national will and weakens us in the face of the terrorist threat.

And thank you to those of you who have been kind enough to blogroll me. As is my stated (and surprisingly liberal) policy, I have reciprocated.

Paul Rosenberg said...

It's too bad that history ended when it did. Now we'll never know when science died. Whoever was in charge of this got the order wrong. First, science, then history, then math.

OTOH, if you kill math, science and history both die instantaneously. No measurements, no dates, no equations, no timelines, just a wide Sargasso Sea full of flotsam and jetsam.

Just in time for the Pirates of the Carribean: Dead Man's Science! (Music by Danny Elfman.)

Geography is part of science, btw, so it's already dead. Good luck, Pirates of the Where-The-Hell-Are-We??? Good luck everyone else, finding your way home.

Anonymous said...

This education reform is your best piece since the one on using Orphan McNuggets & ketchup (kids need vegetables too) to provide healthy lunch options in school! Congratulations and keep up the good work.

pissed off patricia said...

I'm looking to science to understand why some human beings are unable to recognize satire. Is something missing in their genes?

Anonymous said...

I contend that we are both atheists. I just believe in one fewer god than you do. When you understand why you dismiss all the other possible gods, you will understand why I dismiss yours - Stephen Roberts

Anonymous said...

It's a good thing you didn't suggest defunding football, Jon, since that's the state religion now.

Football and science does not mix.

Anonymous said...

Yes, I can confirm that science is dead. And a previous commenter was correct -- the reason nobody noticed was that math was killed back in the 80's (computers did it.)

Sadly, the contagion hasn't stopped with science. In America today, simple rationality is under siege even in the highest levels of our government.

As has been so clearly demonstrated by previous commenters, comprehension is already endangered and on its last legs.

None of these methodologies or capabilities will be necessary in the future anyway. The only skills that matter will be the ability to press keys on the keyboard (more or less randomly is clearly good enough) and press the mouse buttons at times.

I don't think this presages the end of the world, though. Once computers are running everything, I anticipate a millenium of peace and tranquillity -- for them.

Anonymous said...

Great Post Jon, I came her via Tbogg, don't see him on the Blogroll. Making it alphabetical would be nice. Keep up the good work.

jshay said...

It's a decent attempt at satire,
even Swiftian in some moments,
but is probably guilty of
stopping short of the acerbic
tone Swift was famous for. I
see the mix of hyperbole and
understatement- but I think
the dead-pan tone leads
some to swallow the stuff
whole...

Njorl said...

This can't be satire. Satire shot itself upon hearing the phrase, "...Brownie, you're doin' a heckuva job...". It knew when it was beaten and took the easy way out.

BenMerc said...

Even with Gene Wilder to kick the piece off...it continues to be a hook-line-&-sinker operation around here (Well, except for the dog years question by some poster above, that was pretty funny) Or, maybe Noonan's right...we need to start praying more.

Nevertheless, it is gauche to mention the “S” word...doing so may thwart lively exchange, and stifle witnessing of many a moral and or intellectual digression. And then where would we be? Left to our own device, I fear we may turn out as poor Noonan, only a shell of a self afflicted parody.

Greek Shadow said...

May I make a modest proposal (similar to Swift's). That all people who equate technology with science become dog food. Science is discovering new truths. Technology is the practical application of what the scientists have discovered.
Everyone loves the new toys, but feel threatened by people who keep pushing the envelope, especially if they think all truth is found in the Bible.
What fuels technology is not science, but convenience and money. As long as people want convenience and are willing to pay for it someone will invent what they want. As long as people fear death and have money they will fund research into miracle cures, come preacher's hell or high water.
Loved the quote about the only two subjects left being Religion and Gym. (Have you seen the obesity problem of our children? I think Gym is on its last legs too)

Anonymous said...

I would like to say, for the record, that I am a liberal, I came here from the Daou report, and immediately recognized it as satire.

We need more reasonable republicans.

Keep it up, Jon.

The Truffle said...

You saw "Young Frankenstein"! Despite it all, Mr. Swift, I believe you are a person of exceptional taste! Just like most liberals!

mayn said...

what seitz said.

Anonymous said...

Best.

Troll.

Evar!!!!11oneoneone

Anonymous said...

Science is the observation and demonstration of repeatable phenomena. It is not the search for "truth". It is the search for how the creator programmed his system.

Blader said...

The govt spends $100 billion PER YEAR on science?! We could do Iraq for 5 months on that much!!!

'bout time someone called a spade a sapde

you go girl!!

Anonymous said...

to the guy who said:
"i think my iq dropped 10 points just from reading it" and wasn't sure if it was parody, after reading it (hopefully) and probably skipping the halfdozen times ppl had said it was...

i don't think iq goes negative, so don't worry, your iq couldn't have dropped that much.

love ya jon, keep up the good work.

annerose said...

These comments have been invaluable to me as is this whole site. I thank you for your comment.

Mt said...

If I had my choice I'd have both Tasering class and Being-Rogered-in-the-Shower class ended.

This satire some of you speak of, if I wear it outside in the rain will it wrinkle?

p.s. anonymous(s), it's ok, make up a name (not your real name, I know you're imaginably-challenged, well, ok, just use your real name) and that way the rest of us un-anonymii can sort through your pleads for help. I mean, OMG, there IS help available and it's called "FUN", which some of us also call "not having a big stick up our butts".

p.p.s. Mr. Swift, sir, "congrats on being #1"!

Mt said...

Well, except for the most recent "anonymous" who quite eloquently solved the iq mystery.

Thx! You done good!

Anonymous said...

Obviously satire. What people really think is far stupider.

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Jose said...

What, George Bush doesn't believe global warming is occuring? Next thing you will tell me he believes in god.

verified said...

Good stuff. A conservative hasn't made me laugh this much since Bush's last press conference.

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