The NSA Code

A number of liberals are grousing about revelations that the NSA has created a massive secret database of telephone numbers from the private phone records of millions of Americans who use AT&T, Verizon and BellSouth, which turned over the records without informing their customers. The NSA contends that average Americans have nothing to worry about, that they are simply looking for "patterns" and "not mining or trolling through the personal lives of millions of innocent Americans," as President Bush assured us. In fact, the kinds of patterns NSA analysts are looking for may be the key to winning the War on Terror.

What kinds of patterns is the NSA looking for? Well, readers of The Da Vinci Code and The Bible Code may have already figured it out. As these books informed us, the Bible is full of coded messages. By searching for Equidistant Letter Sequences, or ELS codes, scientists have discovered that the Bible contains hidden messages that predict such events as the assassination of Yitzak Rabin, the victory of Crash over Brokeback Mountain at the Oscars, and the horrible, tragic death of Tom Cruise in a freak accident (this one obviously hasn't come true yet). So what does this massive database of telephone numbers have to do with the Bible Code? The letters of the Hebrew alphabet also correspond to numbers. Using sophisticated computer technology, the NSA is translating all of these telephone numbers into Hebrew letters and then using ELS code-searching programs to discover predictions of future terrorist attacks and the names of the people who will commit them.

With this remarkable technology, the NSA will be able to arrest people for committing terrorist acts before they commit them or even before they have thought about committing them. The future predicted in the film Minority Report (starring the soon-to-be late-and-lamented Tom Cruise) is already upon us. The NSA is pouring all of its resources into this program instead of wasting it on such antiquated, scattershot methods as human intelligence and analysis or increased security at ports and chemical and nuclear plants. Unfortunately, modern jurisprudence has not quite caught up with this rapidly developing technology so ELS evidence of not-yet-committed crimes is not currently admissible in court (but I predict it will be!). However, these people can be arrested as "future enemy combatants" and "disappeared" to prison islands like Guantanamo that are already being set up for this purpose. Once these preemptive arrests of thousands of potential terrorists have been made, we will be completely safe from terrorism. In fact, this may be our only hope of stopping a terrorist attack before it happens.

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