Tuesday, March 03, 2009

10 Best Conservative Movies

National Review, which did such a wonderful job identifying hidden conservative messages in rock songs a few years ago, has now come up with a list of the Best Conservative Movies. Although their list for the most part sticks to derrièrist principles by not including too many difficult movies, for some reason they named The Lives of Others, a boring foreign film I've never heard of, as their number one movie and even included a tedious talky independent film like Metropolitan. They did include The Dark Knight, however, which should head off angry emails from fans and derrièrist critics who think it was the greatest movie ever made. Of course, I would have included The Dark Knight on my list, too, as well as such conservative classics as Brazil and Red Dawn, but there are so many great conservative movies, I decided not to duplicate anything that appeared on their list. And while their list only included films of the last 25 years (probably because the editors of National Review haven't seen any movies older than that), I also included a few older movies; but don't worry, none of them are in black and white (except for one, but give it a chance; it gets better).

Neither of our lists is definitive. I'm sure you can think of a lot of other great conservative movies. Feel free to mention them in the comments. Some of the other great conservative movies I might have included that didn't quite make the cut include The Grapes of Wrath, Birth of a Nation, Norma Rae, Easy Rider, Slumdog Millionaire, and Showgirls, just to name a few. But these lists are not meant to identify every great conservative movie. The real purpose of these lists is to show that conservatives are actually normal people, who love movies and rock music and video games, who talk a lot about hot women and what we would like to do to them if we were able to get any of them in bed and who use a lot of baseball and basketball metaphors just like regular guys. Hopefully, lists like this, and sites like Big Hollywood, will help change the unfair image of conservatives in the media so that one day we'll be able to say, "You like me! You like me!"

1. Ferris Bueller's Day Off (1986)
Dan Quayle's favorite movie, featuring the film debut of former Nixon aide Ben Stein (who discusses the Smoot-Hawley tariffs and the Laffer Curve in one of the film's most moving scenes), Ferris Bueller's Day Off is perhaps the greatest conservative film ever to come out of Hollywood. Matthew Broderick plays Ferris Bueller, who decides he has had enough of liberal indoctrination and skips school on the day of a test about European socialism in protest. "I'm not European," he says. "I don't plan on being European. So who gives a crap if they're socialists? They could be fascist anarchists, it still doesn't change the fact that I don't own a car. Not that I condone fascism." Although liberal Hollywood often tries to caricature conservatives as dorks or villains, someone like Ferris Bueller is who conservatives actually see when we look in the mirror. Someone who is handsome and adored by all the "sportos, motorheads, geeks, sluts, bloods, waistoids, dweebies, dickheads." Someone who is really, really cool. And, sure, we might total your father's Ferrrari or invade your country without enough troops or trigger a temporary economic meltdown, but we're actually really lovable, the kind of guy you want to have a beer with. And really, really cool.

2. Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory (1971)
Why aren't there more films for children that celebrate free-market capitalism? Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is a Horatio Alger story about Charlie Bucket, a poor kid who learns that in the free-enterprise system everybody has a randomly equal chance to find a golden ticket (though some special people, like Veruca Salt, have more randomly equal chances than others because a level playing field would be socialism). After finding a golden ticket in his chocolate bar, Charlie meets Willy Wonka, an entrepreneur who has built his candy empire through constant innovation, corporate espionage and cheap labor. Wonka takes Charlie and some other lucky kids on a tour of his factory and gives them a quick lesson in basic economics. His factory is a consumerist paradise, where everything is consumable, although as one unfortunate child learns, consuming beyond your means can get you sucked up into a giant tube. In a free market economy, the kids learn, some will succeed and others will end up as giant blueberries. "Don't forget what happened to the man who suddenly got everything he always wanted," Wonka instructs Charlie, imparting the film's most important moral lesson. "He lived happily ever after."

3. Home Alone (1990)
Like some of the other films on this list, Home Alone works on several levels. On the one hand it's a family-friendly comedy about an adorable little boy, played by Macaulay Culkin (before he grew up and got weird), fighting off home invaders. But on a deeper level it is a parable about what would happen if we didn't have a Second Amendment. Luckily, Culkin is able to fend off the incompetent criminals who try to break into his home by using ingenious homemade weaponry, but not every little boy in America is as clever as Culkin's screenwriter, John Hughes. If you went on vacation and accidentally left your child at home, wouldn't you feel a lot better if you knew there was a loaded gun in the house that your child could easily access? I know I would. Unfortunately, gun control extremists want to take away our Second Amendment rights by passing all kinds of laws mandating child safety locks and banning assault weapons, rendering our nation's pre-adolescents defenseless. I think the NRA should remake this movie but this time give the little boy a gun. It would be a very short film.

4. Brokeback Mountain (2005)
Although a number of liberal critics with their minds in the gutter slandered it as a "gay cowboy movie," Brokeback Mountain is actually a wonderful paen to the virtues of American masculinity. Ranch hand Ennis del Mar (Heath Ledger) and Rodeo cowboy Jack Twist (Jake Gyllenhaal) are no metrosexuals. They are men's men who love nothing better than engaging in such manly pursuits as camping and fishing and rounding up sheep in the great outdoors. Although both are married and have kids, is it so surprising that they feel more comfortable in the company of other men, resisting the feminizing influences that have polluted our culture since the women's movement? Unfortunately, liberals aren't able to accept that two men can be really good friends without adolescently snickering and insinuating behind their backs that they are gay. They certainly don't act gay. If going fishing with your buddy makes you gay, then a lot of men in America must be gay.

5. Weekend at Bernie's (1989)
Although some might dismiss Weekend at Bernie's as a wacky comedy about young insurance executives who drag the corpse of their wealthy boss around and pretend he is alive, it is actually a penetrating allegory about the evils of the death tax (which liberals euphemistically refer to as the "estate tax"). Is there really that much difference between defiling the dead by taxing their wealth after they die and propping up someone's dead body, putting sunglasses on him and dragging him around the beach pretending he's drunk? Can't liberal vultures just let deceased millionaires pass their estates on to their pampered progeny without government tax collectors extracting their pound of putrefying flesh? Although Weekend at Bernie's is certainly a delightful comedy on one level, it just makes me so mad sometimes when I think of the policy implications that I want to yell at the screen, "Leave Bernie's heirs' trust funds and tax shelters alone!"

6. Wizard of Oz (1939)
Long before homosexuals waved rainbow flags and Jesse Jackson's Rainbow Coalition fomented racial hatred, Dorothy (played by Judy Garland, who later devolved into a pill-popping gay icon) took a nightmarish, drug-fueled trip over the rainbow to a hellish, multicultural dystopia called Oz. Throughout the Wizard of Oz Dorothy is desperate to flee the perversions of Munchkinland, Afghanistan-like poppy fields and urban ghettos of the Emerald City and return home to safe Republican Kansas, where morality is clearly delineated in black and white. At the end of the film when a big government wizard fails to get her back home, she discovers that all she has to do is pull herself up by her own ruby slipper straps. At a time when the great imperial Obama tells us that we need government to help us solve our problems, we should remember what Glinda the Good Witch of the North, tells Dorothy -- that she doesn't need government handouts to help her when she can just get what she needs by clicking her very own pair of ruby slippers and wishing really hard.

7. Starship Troopers (1997)
One of the problems with a lot of liberal Hollywood war movies since Vietnam is that they get all caught up with trying to see the enemy as human beings and depicting war as morally questionable. But Starship Troopers brilliantly spares us all the distracting moralism by stripping war down to its essential elements. It accomplishes this by reducing the enemy to nasty alien insects who look really cool when they blow up so that we can see war in its purest form as the glorious adventure it actually is. Although President Bush accomplished some of the same goals by banning photography of flag-draped coffins and limiting the press's coverage in the battlefield, the war in Iraq would probably have been even more popular if he had been able to convince the American people that the Iraqis were actually giant bugs. Maybe with all the CGI technology we have now a future President waging a future war will be able to do just that.

8. Patch Adams (1998)
It's too bad advocates of socialized medicine don't subscribe to Reader's Digest, which for years has taught us that "Laughter is the Best Medicine." Based on a real-life doctor, Patch Adams, starring Robin Williams in one of his most delightful roles (Williams is so much better in films where he has a director who restrains him), is about a doctor who did have a subscription to Reader's Digest, and realized that all the cheap pharmaceuticals illegally imported from Canada in the world are no match for comedy hijinks. Unfortunately, government bureaucrats try to shut down his comedy clinic just because he is practicing medicine without a license. Although Patch Adams eventually wins his case, imagine if we had socialized medicine and a lot of humorless bureaucrats were given the power to require doctors to have medical degrees and ban them from wearing big red noses and funny glasses or replacing bed pans with whoopee cushions. That's not the kind of America I want. So the next time some liberal complains about the 45 million Americans who are uninsured, spray him with water from the flower in your lapel and send him to see this movie.

9. Planet of the Apes (1968)
Planet of the Apes is based on an intriguing premise: What if evolution were true instead of just an unlikely theory? In this film apes have "evolved" to the point where they talk, wear clothes and walk upright. Evolutionists would have you believe that monkeys are our uncles so if you evolved them a little, then it would stand to reason that they would be just like us. And the apes on this planet sure seem human at first but as the film unfolds we see that there is nothing very human about these animals at all. No matter how you dress them up or how many words of English you teach them in the end they're still just "damned dirty apes," as Charlton Heston discovers. I don't think I've ever seen a better refutation of Darwin's theories.

10. Jaws (1975)
The next time your annoying animal rights activist friend cries and moans about bunnies and puppies and kitties being tortured and murdered in medical labs, pop Jaws in the DVD player and show him what animals are really like. Animals are not really cute and loveable little creatures, living together in harmony in the forest, as animal rights activists would have you believe. Many of them are vicious, amoral killing machines like the shark in Jaws, who would like nothing better than to bite PETA members in half given the chance. Jaws dares to tell the truth about animals. That's why we call them animals. By the end of the film your fauna-hugging friend will be cheering as loudly as you are when the nasty shark is finally blown to smithereens. Then you can take them out for nice hot bowl of shark-fin soup.

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87 comments:

thatsrightnate.com said...

Jon,

As leader of the very successful Dark Knight boycott (http://thatsrightnate.com/2008/08/04/dark-knight-boycott-overwhelming-success/) which cost Warner Brothers close to $200,000,000, I wanted to say how disappointed I was to see a well-respected media outlet like The National Review taken in by left wing propaganda. I definitely think you have the superior list.

ZenYenta said...

This post has given me a deeper understanding of the contemporary conservative. Your commentary on Ferris Bueller is particularly illuminating. It's an interesting list, but it leaves me wondering what went into your decision to omit Birth of a Nation. You mention that it didn't "make the cut", but why?

Tony Dayoub said...

Thank you for correcting the National Review's slight towards any conservative films pre-1980s.

One would think they would highlight Nixon-era filmmaking such as Planet of the Apes (starring a bonafide right-wing hero, Charlton Heston) in their quest to bring attention to conservative values in cinema.

Clay Bowler said...

I noticed that about Ferris Beuller last time I watched it. I don't agree with Starship Troopers though. I see their argument with good vs. bad, but I also felt like the government was a strong central government that relied on propaganda, similar to old Soviet propaganda.

yellojkt said...

Are you forgetting the great libertarian epic Easy Rider? Here some hard working blue collar guys take a trip to find the real America and realize that sex and drugs are not the answer because someone freely exercising their Second Amendment rights will put an end to that.

The movie is also notable for featuring a young Jack Nicholson who went on to be the hero of A Few Good Men. Every time I watch Col. Nathan R. Jessep put that commie-loving Tom Cruise in his place, it brings a tear to my eye.

yellojkt said...

P.S.
Liberals still can't handle the truth.

Carl said...

Sir Swift,

I applaud your attempt to upgrade the NR list to include movies that people have actually seen and therefore been inculcated with actual conservative values, altho I must confess surprise at the inclusion of Brokeback Mountain, which I believe spent too much time showing us scenes of the great outdoors when these two manly-handsome men were clearly enjoying each other's company.

I suspect there's an environmentalist subtext there, but I bend to your opinion.

However, I cannot forgive the omission of the single most conservative-valued film ever made: Rollerball (1975).

A precis: In a futuristic society where corporations have replaced countries, the violent game of Rollerball is used to control the populace by demonstrating the futility of individuality. However, one player, Jonathan E., rises to the top, and fights for his personal freedom and threatens the corporate control.

Clearly, the message of governmental control has been cleverly substituted for, in order to expand and broaden the audience to include the working-class sheeple who earn their money doing our bidding.

I mean, building and fixing things.

Anyway, the film is almost Galtian in its rebellion against rules and regulations, such that the denouement takes place in an event with NO rules and NO regulations, only a win-lose situation that our hero, Jonathan E (for Excellence, I'm sure, as in EIB: Excellence in Broadchasing...casting, I mean) ultimately prevails despite the hordes of bureaucrats and OSHA officials awaiting his submission and subservience.

Tengrain said...

M. Swift -

May I suggest The Muppets Take Manhattan be added to your list?

Well, somebody needs to take Manhattan, so why not fuzzy liberals with a hand up their backsides?!

Regards,

Tengrain

kathleenmaher said...

Thanks for the list, Jon. I saw Ferris Beuller and Broke Back Mountain. The others I'll order from Netflicks. Unfortunately, I tend to miss the ideology in movies, watching the actors and sometimes noticing whether or not the dialogue is any good.
If NYU or the 92nd St Y. offered night classes on conservative movies and what makes them so, it might help me. As it is, I'm always saying the wrong thing about A Scanner Darkly or Mulholland Drive.

JollyRoger said...

You've definitely highlighted the important values lessons to be found in the top conservative films of our day. I can hardly wait for the report I know you'll be doing on the top conservative television series! Might I suuggest that "The Twilight Zone" be at the top of that list? YEs, Rod Serling spouted liberal gibberish in most episodes, but that was just to satisfy his liberal producers; each and every story (appropriately done in black and white) had within it a powerful affirmation of conservative values.

Comrade PhysioProf said...

I am shocked at the omission of Soylent Green from your list! In this movie--clearly uber-manly Charlton Heston's best--we see the pernicious effects of socialism run rampant. The climax of the movie (SPOILER ALERT!)--when Heston's character exclaims "Soylent Green is people!" after being wounded by the minions of the socialist government--causes chills to run up and down this conservative's spine. The movie is also notable for its exceedingly realistic depiction of the inescapable logical endpoint of socialized medicine: mass euthanasia.

chawedrosin said...

John Hughes is definitely the conservative hero of American cinema of the last half of the twentieth century. Hughes' conservative class lessons are particularly liberating for young women, who are shown again and again in his films that if you just take a little time with your appearance and reject the nonconformist mentality of the liberal elite, you will get the rich boy, which is the best way for a girl to improve her life in the socially mobile society made possible by our traditional meritocracy.

Xigent said...

It will be a source of lifelong anguish for me that Ayn Rand's The Fountainhead did not make this list of archetypal Conservative movies.

Rand lived through the 1917 Bolshevik Revolution in her native Russia and its disrepect of the Czars, from which she fled to New York in the 1920s. She pulled her well-heeled self up by her bootstraps to become a naturalized American citizen, a cornerstone of laissez-faire American economic reductionism, and an uncompromising champion of individualism.

Her writings and screenplays set the tone for Limbaugh, Coulter, and indeed all of today's towering Conservative sophisticates by blending advocacy of absolute capitalism with the undeniable virtues of defiant egoism. She was not afraid to deplore publicly absurd, counterproductive, Milquetoast notions like altruism.

The Fountainhead (1943) was a war-time novel published under a war-time president that enshrined cold-war suburbanism for those who dared to excel beyond the liberal urban mediocrity of places like New York City. As an international bestseller, it brought American values to all corners of the benighted world overseas. It became a movie in 1949 just as the McCarthy Era was exposing nests of communists in liberal-ridden Hollywood. It clearly fueled the blacklists and purifying purges of the House Committee on Un-American Activities, which reversed the communist decadence that threatened to engulf the Land of the Free.

The Fountainhead is known to have influenced the thinking of witch-hunted Conservative icon Clarence Thomas and Defender of Wall Street CEO compensation Alan Greenspan.

A refugee from communist dictatorship, champion of individualism, promoter of extreme laissez-faire capitalism, unapologetic advocate of egoism, writer of a popular war-time novel and the screenplay of a McCarthy-compatible film version (shot in a profit-boosting 59 days and starring Conservative demi-god Gary Cooper) — how many more Conservative credentials does a person need to have for her box-office triumph to make your Top 10 Pantheon?

Batocchio said...

Brilliant as always. I'll be posting on the National Review list soon myself, but my post won't be nearly as funny. The Brokeback Mountain, Wizard of Oz and Jaws reviews are my favorites, although I love this line: "In a free market economy, the kids learn, some will succeed and others will end up as giant blueberries." One note, though – conservatives did depict Iraqis (and Iranians) as bugs, just not giant, alien bugs. For example, from the summer of 2007, here's Bob Gorrell and Michael Ramirez.

Chuck Butcher said...

I thank the Swift for the link, as always happens when he takes notice, nits jump radically.

Bukko_in_Australia said...

I don't see any movies starring Ronald Reagan on this list. And you call yourself a conservative? Mentioning one with Charlesgun Heston does not make up for it.

As far as I'm concerned, there should be nine on any conservative list with the Gipper, especially the one where he played the Gipper. And the one where he won the Oscar for having his legs cut off. Even the one with the monkey, to show that Republicans have a good sense of humour. Would this nation have had George W. Bush as president if it had not been for "Bedtime with Bonzo"?

You could save one place at the bottom for "Dirty Harry," because it forms the basis for every conservative's idea of justice, and it makes San Francisco look freaky.

Carl said...

Or Gone With The Wind! I haven't laughed at so many black people in one place at one time since the Amos & Andy marathon!

Saskboy said...

That one Oompa Loompa looks a little like Al Greenspan!

ignatov said...

"The Lives of Others" is conservative because it sees the danger of the governmental use of enhanced interrogation and spying on the citizenry merely to fight threats to society.

On the other hand, "Dark Knight" is conservative because it sees the wisdom of torture and spying when engaged in by anonymous, private citizens.

Bustednuckles said...

Just a few for consideration, Deliverance,
Scar face, Chinatown,
The GodFather, all of 'em, and my number one pick,
Slingblade.

fish said...

I think the biopic of the Bush administration 1984 deserves consideration.

boukman70 said...

Comrade PhysioProf--

I think the most important lesson of Soylent Green is that the government will do anything, including feeding the citizenry to itself, in order to stay in power. And Chuckles was ALWAYS uber-manly. I love all his screaming '70s movies.

Pamela D. Hart said...

Oh yes, Gone with the Wind! Scarlett tells Ashley, “there is nothing more important than money.” Isn't that the evil rich Conservative motto? She also does business with those nasty Yankees and shuts off credit to everyone, after all, THE WAR IS OVER, as her sign reads in her store. Too bad Fannie and Freddie didn’t follow Scarlett’s advise.

Batocchio said...

I think Being There also deserves mention. I know one person who thought it presciently predicted Reagan – although that was before George W. Bush. Regardless, it upholds the conservative value that competence is vastly overrated. Especially if you'd rather have a beer with him than the other guy...

watzabatza said...

whoa! you remembered me the movie brokeback mountain... it's some kind funny for me :-)

jurassicpork said...

Dude, this is one of your best posts ever. You nailed the essence of those Kinematic Konservative Klassics.

Although, I would've included Birth of a Nation for being unabashedly Konservative.

Manny said...

Excellent list and commentary, Jon.
I can't help but wonder, however, is Weekend at Bernie's was not a prescient movie about Bernie Madoff--and a powerful message that no liberal ideology can bury th an inspired (and inspirational) capitalist like Bernie Madoff.

Micgar said...

Jon- I always love your "list" posts! This one is no exception! The movies you have listed here are some of the greatest conservative flicks ever-when you describe them as so!

Xigent said...

Must say I am glad to see that no one has suggested High Noon as a Konservative film. Konservatives usually claim it.

True, the hero (Marshal Will Kane, played by Gary Cooper) is a deferential, conscientious, self-reliant lawman of few words. And Cooper was a Republican in real life.

But Kane, in keeping with the austerity of the black-and-white shoot and the spare sound track, opted to forgo his own honeymoon to take on the Frank Miller gang, aka the four horsemen of corporate Apocalypse. They were returning to Hadleyville to rebuild their pre-conviction sphere of influence. They started by promising prosperity for the town. (Sound familiar?)

Instead, of course, they intended to resort to the standard Konservative bag of tricks: reliance on weaponry and corruption, terror, saloon deregulation, immigrant expulsion, torture, and eventually (since night must follow day) subprime mortgages.

Foreman and Stanley Kramer openly admitted intending the High Noon screenplay was as an allegory for the contemporaneous far-right McCarthy hearings of the early 1950s. Their purpose was to expose, purge, and blacklist liberals and true lefties in cold-war America. High Noon depicted church-going townspeople who saw pusillanimous appeasement of the rapacious Miller gang as the ticket to bringing in lucrative out-of-state investment. (Sound familiar?)

Kane's integrity finally triumphs over very long odds. He restores self-determination to the now-grateful populace. Moments later he casts a disparaging glance about him before mounting the buckboard and clattering off with his new bride, never looking back. The town folk are left to wrestle with the ignominy of their individual accommodations, not unlike Republicans who had kowtowed time and again before the Rove-Limbaugh juggernaut.

Clearly, then, High Noon could never belong to the Konservative film pantheon. It is, if anything, a liberal fable. Americans are finally emerging from years of wandering lost, deluded, and forsaken in the dark forest of oligarchical Konservatism.

And they have had the good sense to install their own Marshal Kane to see them right.

Zoe said...

Wow, um...Either you, sir, have a great sense of humor, enjoy poking fun, and don't take yourself oh-so-seriously, or your actually a liberal making a subtle parody.
Either way, I like it. Keep it up. :)
-Me

Xohaib Mashwani said...

Nice post i must say, I remember I saw "wizard of oz" when i was a kid, and i didn't remember its name coz i wanted to see it again... :)

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Kip said...

Willy Wonka is not a pro capitalist movie. It reveals capitalism's inability to favor talent or worthiness over favorable circumstances. Sure, Charlie was a good kid and got a ticket, but all the other children represent greed in some form or another and pay the price for it. Just because they're in a factory it makes it pro-capitalist? The factory is filled with little orange midgets, and obvious reference to sweat shops. In the end it isn't capitalism that wins out, it's simply good values, which are much more important that what type of economic structure we have.

Anonymous said...

norma rae? brokeback mountain? showgirls?

"reasonably conservative"
lol yea... nice try.

gay cowboys and showgirls... i can't tell if you're being serious or just trying to be a smartass.

now i would say other than minimum wage nothing has crippled the free-market more than unionism... there is no disengagement mechanism for it. when union systems become institutionalized and develope vested interests, they become permanent. permenent regarless of whether or not they have corrected whatever injustice would merrit their presence in the first place. the ending result is mass inefficiency. this free rider wrought system puts an enormous strain on business and the economy

Anonymous said...

hahahaha... by the way, Kip:

you are an idiot.

"just because charlie and the chocolate factory takes place in a factory, it is supposed to be pro-capitalist?"

lol hmm... why do i get the feeling this kid voted for obama?

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A home alone star is now a drug addict.. why is it so?

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I love Starship Troopers. Waiting for the new to come.

denise said...

It is because of modern tradition. What I mean is because of youngsters today, influenced by peers.

dves said...

Wew, I remebered those apes, haha. nice faces huh!

dves said...

I love starship troopers. i love this movie with its scifi effect. so thrilling.

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Your commentary on Ferris Bueller is particularly illuminating

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