Thursday, April 20, 2006

Why Conservatives Support the Duke Lacrosse Team

A number of conservative bloggers have come to the defense of the young men on the Duke lacrosse team accused of rape. It might not be obvious why conservatives have already taken sides on a case that hasn't even gone to trial. So for liberals who don't understand the complex reasons why conservatives have already rendered a verdict in the case, I thought I would lay them out for you.

First of all, I want to make it clear that there is absolutely no racial dimension to this case whatsoever. The fact that the alleged victim is black and the alleged perpetrators are white is a complete coincidence. Conservatives are totally colorblind and we pride ourselves on our blindness. You see, it is actually liberals who are racists because they always take the side of black people against white people and we are just reacting to that. If one day all the liberals got together and tricked us by supporting a white person against a black person, we would then end up supporting the black person, whom we wouldn't even know was black because of our color-blindness. Try it someday and you'll see it's true.

One reason conservatives may be sympathetic to the lacrosse players is because of the game itself. Lacrosse is a more Republican sport than, say, basketball. The oldest sport in North America, lacrosse is steeped in tradition (which conservatives love), and can be traced back to the 1400s when Native Americans invented the game, while basketball wasn't invented until 1891. When the Indians played it, they would beat each other with the sticks to try to get their opponents out of the game. Lacrosse was later named by Jesuits, who thought the racket looked like the shepherd's crook Bishops carried. The image the game still conjures of Bishops beating their opponents with sticks may be a subconscious source of its appeal to conservative youth. (And let me just nip in the bud the idea that lacrosse is a "white" sport. The Duke lacrosse team had one black player.)

Now it might seem odd to some people that conservatives would be on the side of young unmarried men who hired an exotic dancer to strip at a drunken party. Generally, conservatives are opposed to all sexual activity that does not occur in the confines of a heterosexual marriage utilizing missionary-approved acts for the purpose of procreating. We are also opposed to any rape unless it is combined with pillaging and alleged against members of our Armed Forces. But conservatives are also realists. That's why we support oppressive regimes as long as they say they are anti-Communist or anti-terrorist or rule over oil-producing nations. Henry Kissinger used to call this Realpolitik before he learned how to speak English. We know that in the real world "boys will be boys." We know that they all go through a period when they are "young and stupid" that sometimes lasts until their early 40s.

But the main reason conservatives are defending these men is because in America everyone is innocent until proven guilty. It is one of the ideals our country was founded on. The only exception to this rule is if someone is accused of being a terrorist, in which case that person has no rights whatsoever. If it turns out they have been falsely accused of being a terrorist, then all I can say is that next time they should be more careful.

I hope this clears everything up. If more evidence comes in exonerating the boys you can be sure we will broadcast it and cite it as evidence of how the liberal media is trying to railroad them. If any evidence comes in against them, I'm sure there is a logical explanation.

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L>T said...

That was pretty damn funny! Ironic truth.

L>T said...

reading thro your posts. (I esp. loved the one on Texas drunk driving) I'm wondering why you don't post on your own comment section???

Jon Swift said...

That's a very interesting question. I have responded on occasions when I have been asked a direct question (like this one). Usually, I feel like I've had my say in my post and the comments section is the opportunity for other people to have their say. Even when I am moved sometimes to defend something I write, other commentators do such a good job of it that it seems another two cents from me is superfluous. Unlike some bloggers, I almost never delete comments except for once when there was some spam and yesterday when some people left comments about Michelle Malkin that I was afraid their mothers' might be very embarrassed to see. But you bring up an interesting point and perhaps I should drop by the comments section a little more often.

Mac Diva said...

Good satire! The blogosphere doesn't have enough of this.

Anonymous said...

I applaud your recognition of the need to support these lacrosse players. There is simply not enough support out there for young rich men. Pretty soon, they will become the disenfranchised of our society, and liberals will have to take on another charity case. Thanks for doing your part in preventing this from happening!

Michelle said...

Hilarious! Love the deadpan!

hehe! Lacrosse!

Seriously, do colleges have polo teams??? Or would that just be too perfect!?

Anonymous said...

Not funny but pathetic.

In predictable liberal fashion, you're guilty of EVERYTHING you accused us of...

You WANT white people to be guilty of hurting blacks.

For proof, see your OUTRAGEOUS distortion of Katrina.

People who, per capita, were mostly white, and who were victimized by their Democratic Mayor and Governor more than anyone else somehow, in your twisted prism of the world, are kept down by THE MAN.

Conservatives know you HATE black people.

We see how you treat Condi, Clarence and now Mike Steele.

But you find it CONVENIENT to use black people when you think you can score political points.

Too bad this one backfired.

I guess both YOU and Clinton got screwed over by a HO, HUH? Ha Ha.

Anonymous said...

to previous anonymous:

Why would liberals (...which include white people) want to be/feel guilty of hurting blacks? Couldn't they just simply support those who have traditionally been oppressed? Or simply acknowledge inherent bias in our political systems? And why shouldn’t conservatives do the same?
Is it possible that liberals don’t share the same viewpoint as Rice, Steele, or Thomas? Also, How did the situation with Katrina prove liberals want whites to feel guilty of anything? “Most people per capita where white”… do you mean those who left the area or those who were left behind? Did you SEE the video of “THE MAN” being briefed about the hurricane before it hit, and the comments he made the week of the hurricane? Do you live in this country? Am I completely insane for responding to the previous post?

John said...

To last anonymous.

Yes you are insane for responding to insanity.

But then, Jon is real good at bringing out insanity

BenMerc said...

The problem with conservatism is that it is so low to the ground virtually everything passes over it's head.

Anonymous said...

jon- i've been reading through your blog and holy shit, you are one funny dude. please post more often!

blue girl said...

Excellent post. And I see one of your conservative buddies showed up.

Makes you proud to be one, huh?

Jenée said...

All very funny, but this part particularly cracked me up: "If it turns out they have been falsely accused of being a terrorist, then all I can say is that next time they should be more careful."

Anonymous said...

Stripper claims: She struggled so hard fighting off these three white men that five of her press on nails fell off.

Facts: nails were recovered and no DNA were found under the nails; no scratches were found anywhere on any of the boys. No scratch marks were found anywhere on any of the boys’ bodies, and pictures show that the nails were missing before the time she lied about the rape happening.

Stripper claims: three men raped her on the bathroom,
• No vaginal or seminal fluid, no skin, blood, or hair were found anywhere in the bathroom, bath towels, bath rug, door handle, bathroom floor, basin, water faucet handle, etc.
• A man cannot take off a condom and not get DNA from himself or the female on his hands and not transfer it to everything he touches?
• Accuser claims she was vaginally penetrated; accuser claims she was panicked and thought she was going to die; Where is her vaginal fluid, urine, or blood anywhere in the bathroom? Does her body defy basic physiology capable of keeping any ejaculate from spilling out?
• Accuser claims she was anally penetrated; Where’s her fecal material or scat smears in the bathroom? Does the accuser have inhuman anal sphinter control that prevented any of the ejaculate from dripping out?
• Accuser claims she was orally sodomized; where is DNA from her saliva and tears? Did she lick up every drop and swallowed any evidence?

DNA evidence not connecting the boys to the "criminal stripper" is significant enough, but absolutely no DNA at all is significant in suggesting the rape never occurred at all!

Stripper claim bruises were result of an attack from three boys:
Fact: Time-stamped photos prove stripper arrived bruised and cut while drunk.

Pictures show the stripper performed without the finger nails, and her knees were bruised before she arived.

Nifong stated that a condom was used, if this is true than where is the spermicidal lubricant evidence? Where are the condoms? Where are the condom wrappers? Where is the empty condom box?

If no DNA material were present on the stripper, than why were DNA samples taken? The District Attorney vigorously claimed that these DNA evidence will clear the innocent.

The second stripper stated that she didn’t notice any rape, and when they got back in the car the “accuser” didn’t mention anything about being rape.

Apparently the “second stripper charged with embezzling $25,000” changed her story to conspire with the “lying stripper under-probation-for-larceny-and-trying-to-kill-a-police-officer-with-a-stolen-car” as part of a deal with Nifong to get released from jail, also contacted a public relations firm to “not let this opportunity pas her by and to spin it to my advantage”.

This in the wake of pictures surfacing showing that the “lying stripper” had those fake finger nails missing before the time she lied that a rape occurred.

With the taste of his own foot still lingering in his mouth, District Attorney Mike Nifong has another piece of evidence blow up in his face, I wonder how's his ulcer is doing?

So would it be his own aura or is it the universe's way of getting back at Nifong for destroying these young boys lives?

It would be funny if Nifong's ulcer leads to a colonoscopy, or would it be “ironic” or “poetic justice” that he screws 47 boys over a false rape claim and have to take a 36 inch colonoscopy tube up his @ss for his part in the fiasco he created.

Lets not forget that not only that there lacks any DNA evidence of the boys, but there’s an absolute absence of DNA from her who claims she was raped vaginally, anally, and orally… why wasn’t any of HER vaginal, urine, blood, sweat, fecal, saliva, or tears not found anywhere in the bathroom? Nifong claims that condoms could have been used, then where are the condoms? The condom wrappers, the condom box, the spermicidal evidence from the rape kit?

Some feminist claim the boys were drunk and where so overwhelmed with excitement that they couldn’t ejaculate- not even one, obviously these women have never had sex with a 19 year old male or any male.

Finally, don’t forget the three boys who lived in the house agreed to be questioned by the police for over six hours, and volunteered to a lie detector test. When the boys were told to surrender DNA samples, none called their parents r tried to block the order, they complied because they new the “stripper” was lying. These are not the actions of guilty boys, but Nifong claimed that they were all covering up for each other and will charge each of them with aiding and abetting because the only information they had is that no rape occurred.

These boys were and continue to be put through hell by these criminal strippers and an unscrupulous DA. Hopefully these three will be held accountable for the racial riots pending the acquittal of these innocent boys.

Below is the text of the e-mail sent by Kim Roberts to 5W Public Relations in New York. Roberts, an exotic dancer, accompanied the woman accusing members of the Duke University men's lacrosse team of raping her the night of March 13.
Sent: Wednesday, April 19, 2006 2:21 PM
To: Ronn Torossian
Subject: duke lacrosse scandal

My name is Kim and I am involved in the Duke Lacrosse scandal. Although I am no celebrity and just an average citizen, I've found myself in the center of one of the biggest stories in the country. I'm worried about letting this opportunity pass me by without making the best of it and was wondering if you had any advice as to how to spin this to my advantage. I am determined not to let any negative publicity about my life overtake me. I'm so confused as to who to talk to for relevant advice and I hope that you can return my e-mail. If you cannot help, do you know of any names and numbers I can call?
Thanks for your time,

Kim Roberts
Stripper, Model, Escort, Witness

Rape shields were created in the 1970s to protect the alleged “victim” from having her reputation ruined by baseless assumptions, unfair judgments, public humiliation, and character assassinations, but any of this could describe what’s happening to every member of the lacrosse team.

Irresponsible “special interest groups” have held protests everyday holding the name and pictures of anyone on the lacrosse team, to having their pictures and hate slogans pasted all over school. The actions of these groups against these men are nothing short of harassment and unfair character assassination.

Media hungry District Attorney Mike Nifong stated he is positive a rape has occurred, but he isn’t sure if it’s by the members of the lacrosse team, yet he obtained an order to get DNA samples from only the members of the team, then he stated on a national news program that the lacrosse team has a “rowdy” reputation on campus – obviously playing up to sexist stereotyping of jocks to further play his case for the media. As Nifong continues to publicly massacre the characters out his case for public consumption, he claims that the team is “stonewalling the investigation” because they claim not to have any knowledge of what transpired, but is Nifong now believing the men to be telling the truth as he recently changed his tune stating that even if the DNA evidence clears these boys that he’ll have other evidence.

Opportunistic political groups have descended on Duke’s campus using unscrupulous methods to get media attention at the expense of innocent young men who happen to be on the lacrosse team. Young men who were too recently, only boys not yet ready to handle this ugly side of the world. In today’s climate, we need the rape shield laws extended to protect all the innocent, including those who just happen to get in the way of media hungry district attorneys and opportunistic political groups.

District Attorney Mike Nifong’s should be held accountable for the irresponsible actions he’s taken in this rape investigation.

The boys are being tried in the national media before there is any charge are made. Nifong stated that someone else could have assaulted the 27 year old stripper, yet he publicly damned the men’s lacrosse team and only the men’s lacrosse team as gang rapist, and still not knowing whether or not the “alleged victim” was telling the truth, or if the three men sought are on the team, Nifong claims the team is stonewalling to protect its own.

In response, daily protest are held with hate comments made directly to the lacrosse teammates, pictures of the teammates with rape slogans are plastered all over Duke’s campus, and now gang members are driving by the east campus threatening students.

Nifong’s circus-like antics to perform for the national media has put the whole campus in danger.

Nifong proclaimed in the national media that the DNA sweep of 46 boys would find the guilty and clear the innocent. DNA tests prove that the boys of the lacrosse team were telling the truth, but Nifong wants to go ahead with the case only weeks before his election against a woman and a black man. There should be laws in place to prevent unscrupulous politician like District Attorney Mike Nifong from bulldozing over 47 innocent boys just to bask in the international media spot-light.

Anonymous said...


B.F. said...

Congrats on turning this high-pressure issue into a pseudo-political conservative vs liberal whinefest. That's pretty typical of a neo-lib's priorities, isn't it?

BTW, you might preach a different story had you ever been victim to what we white, conservative southerners call "The Race Card." It has happened to my father and it has happened to me.

Face it: if some cops fucked around with a black person's shit, and claimed he raped a white girl, this would be the biggest case of police brutality and racism in years.

You're full of shit, and you are perpetuating the bullshit, polar media - and everything twisted about our country these days.

So really...congrats.

Jon Swift said...

BF, I certain feel your pain, as another white southerner would say, and I have written a post on "The Race Card" you might want to read.

Micah Fitch said...

Your "colorblindness" is absolutely obnoxious. Is the de facto segregation in Chicago and St. Louis and most other U.S. cities "just a coincidence"? Is the racially imbalanced incarceration rate "just a coincidence"? Is school segregation "just a coincidence"? Is the fact that "no child left behind" better benefits the white middle class and hurts overwhelmingly segregated and poor schools "just a coincidence"? Is the fact that Genarlow Wilson is in prison for ten years for receiving oral sex from a white girl two years younger than him "just a coincidence"?

Your colorblindness has got you blind to a lot of things.

It turns out that you are actually racist.

Anonymous said...

I've always found this blog entertaining, but I find it even more entertaining when bloggers end up wrong.

chirpinginnc said...

Not looking or sounding too 'swift' now, are you?

You're just one more of the "Civil rights? We don't need believe in no stinking civil rights such as innocent until proven guilty and the right to a fair trial" terminally stupid PC liberal brain dead.

The people who supported the Duke LAX team were the ones who weren't so blinded by hatred and prejudice and bigotry of a certain group that we couldn't tell within days that something was badly amiss in this case. The people who supported the Duke LAX team were the ones who relied on facts and evidence and not knee-jerk emotion based on--yes, let me repeat it again--hatred and prejudice and bigotry.

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