Swift Reactions 6

Last week I received an email from one Alex Leo that began "Dear Jon (which I am sure is not your real name)." It was an invitation to join a new comedy site called 236.com, a joint venture between Arianna Huffington and Barry Diller, both very funny people. I assumed she was writing to me because this modest blog was declared by the Weblog Awards to be the third-funniest blog on the Internet and because of my expertise in comedy and that her salutation was a humorous reference to my recent battle with Facebook on behalf of Pseudonym-Americans. Of course, I am always eager to join any club that is willing to have me as a member, but then Ms. Leo informed me that I would need to send her a color picture of myself and my real name. At first I wondered if this was some kind of trap set up by my creditors to trick me into revealing my personal information and a quick look at the quickly slapped together "comedy" site did nothing to allay my suspicions. When I told Ms. Leo that I would be unable to comply, she said that the site has a "non-anonymity rule" and she would be withdrawing her invitation. She claimed the rule is designed to foster a "personalized relationship between our bloggers and our readers." It's the kind of "personalized relationship" that is only possible, I suppose, on a site where all the main stories are unbylined and comments are disabled.

It's bad enough that I must once again suffer discrimination because I am a Pseudonym-American, but when Ms. Leo devalues our relationships as well she has gone too far. Are the personal relationships of Pseudonym-Americans any less worthy than the relationships of "real name" Americans? Apparently the relationship that Mark Twain had with his readers was not "personalized" enough for the editors of 236, and this made him somehow less funny. Now, of course, the bond I have with you, my dear readers, is not on the same level as the religiously and legally sanctified marriage bond I have with Mrs. Swift, that Barry Diller has with his wife Diane von Fürstenberg or that Britney Spears had with Kevin Federline, but it is at least as worthy as a gay relationship or the relationship the anonymous writers of 236.com have with their non-commenters. Ms. Leo concluded by saying, "We think this is important for our readers and for our reputation of standing behind what we publish 100%." So while 236.com may not be the funniest comedy site on the Internet, you can rest assured that it stands 100% behind stories like "George Bush Is a Junkie." Even if this blog does not have quite so good a reputation as 236.com, I am grateful for the relationship I have with my readers. In fact, Mrs. Swift sometimes jokes that I spend more time with you than I do with her and has suggested on many occasions, "Why don't you just marry your blog?"

Lately, I have been particularly proud of the comments here. I think that in the wake of the Writers Guild strike, many are beginning to realize that writing for free is not such a bad thing after all and soon everybody will be doing it. Mr. Hepplewhite, for example, can post his lovingly crafted mini short stories here without having to worry about "notes" from moronic studio executives. I'd like to think that as the money writers make from writing dwindles and the aggravation they get from producers and editors grows, they will always be able to come here to express themselves without any interference or remuneration at all.

My post on the treasonous lady Bridge players sparked a particularly heated discussion here that was a veritable banquet of food for thought as a commenter on one Bridge forum pointed out. Apparently, this incident is the biggest thing to happen in the cut-throat world of competitive Bridge since the Lanzarotti-Buratti cheating scandal in Tenerife 2005, and we all know what a terrible ordeal that was. ZenYenta wondered if there would have been a problem if the sign was worded differently. Kevin Hayden created his own new and improved sign. My most frequent commenter, Anonymous, wrote a very moving tribute to what freedom means in the world of Bridge. "At a bridge event world champions mix with beginners and those from oppressed countries mix freely with those from those of us blessed to live in freedom," Anonymous wrote. "Using this stage to air what are personal political views undermines the whole concept of an organisation free from political shackles." In other words, real freedom can only exist in an environment that is free of distracting free expression. Anonymous went on to say, "You may have the right to bare arms but it would be irresponsible to bare them in a public school," a point that fish enthusiastically seconded: "I too think bare arms in school is atrocious. Long sleeves for all!!"

After the United States Bridge Federation's attorney Allan Falk sent me an email calling me a "nutjob" and comparing me to Ted Kaczynski, I wrote him back to thank him for his very kind words and offered him a chance to respond to the charge of one of my commenters, Den Valdron, who said, "Their legal counsel has embarrassed himself and his entire profession with an unprinciples and offensive stand. A lawyer should talk sense to his clients, not cater to their worst impulses." Mr. Falk replied almost immediately, which I'm sure will make Susie Bright doubly jealous: "I can't do my job and worry about what outsiders think of me. I'm representing the USBF as a volunteer, and have been targeted by both sides for caustic comments. Being very pachydermatous and concerned only with fulfilling my responsibilities to my client, I don't let such things bother me." Frankly, I had no idea what "pachydermatous" meant so I looked it up and according to the dictionary it means "like an elephant," which left me even more confused. How exactly is Mr. Falk like an elephant? I wondered. Does he have a long memory? Is he afraid of mice? Does he have big ears or a long trunk? If a group of blind men touched different parts of him would they each think he was a different animal?

Mr. Falk was not the only luminary from the world of Bridge who wrote to me. Robert "Bobby" Wolff, who has won 11 world championships and 30 national championships, and was quoted in the original piece on the "criticize-one's-leader-at-a-foreign-venue-in-a-totally-nonpolitical-event exception to the First Amendment," wrote to me in an email, "This is of course a complex question. We have not heard the last of it. The TV and blogs will keep us involved for longer than we care to be, I suspect!" Possibly even longer than that, Mr. Wolff. And "World famous" Bridge player Petra Hamman wrote me to say, "It would be so refreshing if journalists gathered all the facts before publishing so much self-serving hyperbole…" Mrs. Hamman, I couldn't agree more. Unfortunately, my post did elicit some criticism, most notably from someone calling himself "Man enough to admit he's afraid of morons like you," who said, "Jon, You are truly terrifyingly stupid. I'm more fearful of idiots like you than anything overseas. "

While I encourage free-wheeling discussions on my blog, other blogs have a different purpose. KT Cat's blog, The Scratching Post, is not just a blog, it's a work of art. "I've been deleting one or two of my old posts and portions of just a few others lately," he wrote recently. "For me, this blog is as much an artistic expression as it is a recording of thoughts and interactions with friends. Painters remove some unwanted brushstrokes and poets rewrite lines. The end goal is a work that expresses you and not the steps it took to get there." One of the "brushstrokes" KT Cat decided to remove was this statement, which I wrote about here: "Blacks in America have become the perfect laboratory for the consequences of annihilating traditional sexual mores. At 70% illegitimacy, they have destroyed civilization at the molecular level. Still think it doesn't matter? Live it up, guys. Enjoy."

Unfortunately, some critics gave him very bad reviews for this statement because they believed that blaming blacks for the destruction of civilization was somehow racist. KT Cat responded by deleting those bad reviews from his blog, something I'm sure a lot of artists wish they could do. Now, I had to delete my notorious April Fool's Day post this year to avoid a nasty lawsuit, but I think KT Cat may have taken this whole creative destruction thing a bit too far. When he complained on his blog that "lefties" were unfairly characterizing his post as racist without actually referring to the words that led to this charge, I thought I would helpfully direct his readers to places where they could read what he said like here and here so that they could see just how unfair those "vicious" attacks were. But Mr. Cat deleted my comment and replied, "Dude, take a long look at this blog and then fill in the blank in this sentence. 'I make this blog better at what the author wants to do with it by __________.' Hint: The correct answer does not involve giving me moral instruction." Unfortunately, I have to admit, Mr. Cat, I am at a complete loss as to how to make your blog better. Perhaps, more cat pictures and less sociological analysis would help.

He may want to get some pointers from Jeff Goldstein, a writer and teacher at a private college, who has turned his blog into a performance piece entitled "How To Guarantee That I Will Never Be Offered a Better Job at a Big Name School." This way we can always point to Jeff Goldstein as an example of how conservatives are discriminated against in academia. Usually, I have no idea what his posts mean at all. He is vaguely more lucid when he is attacking people for making fun of him for thinking Michelangelo painted the Mona Lisa or engaging in homoerotic verbal fisticuffs though not much more enlightening. I think he was worried that someone might mistake the murkiness of his prose for profundity so he brought on someone named Dan Collins to make sure that that any potential employer will definitely think twice about hiring him. Some thought Collins had put the final nail in the coffin of Goldstein's future career when he called Glenn Greenwald a "faggot," but apparently Goldstein didn't think that was enough to permanently blackball him. So Collins decided to help out by attacking his ex-girlfriend from 25 years ago (though the pain of his emasculation stings like it happened yesterday).

At first, even Goldstein thought Collins might be going over the line (and apparently succeeded in getting him to take down her personal information, which Collins had posted for other stalkers). I was puzzled because I thought the conservative strategy was to go after gays, immigrants and Muslims first and then go after our ex-girlfriends. Had the strategy been changed without informing me or had Collins gone rogue? Apparently, Collins has the blessing of Jeff Goldstein, however, because he is still posting there and is completely unrepentant (and if you have a lot of time on your hands, check out the comments to this post). I think we can all safely run those "Harvard Discriminates Against Conservatives Because They Won't Hire Jeff Goldstein" posts now. Maybe we can convince Harvard to make amends by hiring KT Cat as an artist in residence since he isn't racist at all.

Update: In a comment on his blog, Jeff Goldstein attempts to school me in the semiotics of comedy in a last, desperate attempt to impress members of the Modern Language Association: "I don’t believe I’ve had the pleasure of having Mr Swift comment here before. Talk about bringing the funny! The whole, “did I miss something? I though conservatives hated gays, Muslims, and immigrants most of all” schtick never gets old. I mean, the mock confusion — as if his worldview has been shaken? Comic genius. I’d bow down before him, but that would be a bit too Muslimish. And f--k if I’ll even inadvertently show respect to those brown bastards…"

Update 2: In yet another follow-up post, Dan Collins pleads for understanding, invoking the Pachydermatous Man defense: "What I’ve done is so unforgivable that Jon Swift is waving my balls around his head like a bolo. When I point this out, I am special pleading." Not only does he claim to have had no idea that attacking one's ex-girlfriend and linking to her private information is considered stalking, he also doesn't seem to realize that referring to another blogger and not providing a link is considered very bad manners. I believe both of these lessons are taught within the first days of blogging Kindergarten, which Collins may have to repeat next year if he's not careful.

Update 3: More comedy lessons from Jeff Goldstein, who devotes an entire post to railing against me and absolving himself from responsibility for anything that happens on his blog. And Dan Collins just can't stop writing about me. Apparently, I struck a nerve.

Update 4: Simon Owen has a very thoughtful post at Bloggasm about KT Cat, which includes some comments from Mr. Cat himself, who claims that his contention that blacks are destroying civilization is based on "statistical analysis" and that only "slavering, rage-filled crazies" could possibly disagree with him since he has "advanced degrees in mathematics."