Friday, January 30, 2009

Rush Limbaugh Gives Republicans Hope Again

When Barack Obama won the election by appealing to voters' hopes, Republicans were surprised that it actually worked. There didn't seem to be that much to be hopeful for, especially with Obama as President. A lot of us were pretty down in the dumps. But then Republican leader Rush Limbaugh came along and gave us hope for the future, too. "I hope he fails." Limbaugh said of Obama. "We are being told that we have to hope he succeeds, that we have to bend over, grab the ankles, bend over forward, backward, whichever, because his father was black, because this is the first black president."

While Obama seems like a nice young man, kind of like a young Sidney Poitier, is handsome and polite, seems well educated and articulate, and even brought Republicans candy and flowers, Limbaugh was not fooled for a minute. If Obama succeeds, who knows what kind of man America's daughters will bring home to dinner next? Since Obama is trying to seduce Americans by giving them hope, Limbaugh knows that we Republicans must have our own message of optimism and hope. So here are some of the things that we are hoping for:

We hope Obama fails change the tone in Washington.
The worst thing Republicans can do is to join President Obama in any bipartisan effort to make things better. If he succeeds, he'll get all the credit and then he'll be free to turn America into a socialist country and no one will be able to stop him. And if he fails, who will Americans turn be able to turn to? So Republicans finally realized that they have to be against whatever Obama is for, whether it is the stimulus package or delaying the transition to digital television.

We hope Obama fails to fix the economy.
If Obama succeeds in fixing the economy, Americans will get the wrong idea that socialism works. Although the next few years will be difficult for some people if the economy gets worse, most Republicans will do fine thanks to President Bush's tax cuts. The rest of us will just have to suck it up until America comes to her senses and elects Sarah Palin in 2012. By that time some of Bush's tax cuts should have trickled down to us anyway. The worst thing we can do now is panic and put into place all kinds of programs we will be stuck with for years to come, which is what happened during the Great Depression. Economic depressions aren't all bad since they sweep away the dead wood in the economy and force the government to cut worthless programs. And at the same time, the people who do get hurt we'll blame Obama for it.

We hope Obama fails to get people to stop hating gays.
Despite all of Hollywood's best efforts, there are still a lot of people who hate gays and we need to encourage that as much as possible as it is our best wedge issue. One of the reasons we succeeded in ruining Clinton's first term was because of his attempt to allow gays to serve in the military. Although we suffered a few major setbacks in our efforts to marginalize gays when Clay Aitken and Lance Bass came out, we have to remain vigilant. We must encourage a huge outcry if Obama tries to allow gays to serve openly in the military or supports gay civil unions, which will just lead to gay marriage and people marrying their pets and livestock. And we can encourage homophobia among African-Americans, which shouldn't be too hard since we have a lot of preachers and rappers on our side. It may be our best chance to win blacks over to our side again.

We hope Obama fails to institute universal health care.
The reason America has the best health care in the world is that we don't just give it away to anyone. It stands to reason that the fewer people who have health care, the better it will be for those who have it. Republicans should not only resist any efforts by Obama to give more Americans health care, we should try to limit health care even more, which will only make our country stronger by weeding out the weak and sick, who mostly vote for Democrats anyway.

We hope Obama fails to broker peace between Israel and the Palestinians.
Surely, this is not too much to hope for. Although President Obama claimed during the election that he supported Israel, his overtures to Arab countries, like his giving his first interview as President to al-Arabiya, shows that he is not 100 percent behind Israel. Republicans know that peace in the Middle East will require Israel to make some sort of concessions, such as the creation of a Palestinian state. The only way to safeguard Israel's security is to discourage any kind of peace. So Republicans should encourage Israel not to back down. Of course, that means there will probably be a few terrorist attacks in Israel and it will have to defend itself occasionally by bombing the hell out of the Palestinians and probably the Lebanese as well, but Israelis are used to that by now.

We hope Obama fails to prevent a big natural disaster from devastating an American city.
Unfortunately, a lot of Americans got the impression from Hurricane Katrina that there is something government can do to help people when there is a natural disaster. Republicans, of course, know that it is blasphemous to try to fight acts of God. So far our efforts to convince people that there was nothing we could do to save New Orleans, or at least to blame local officials, have not been very successful. So it looks like the only thing that will convince people that they are on their own is if an American city is destroyed despite all of Obama's best efforts. Since God is on the Republicans' side I'm sure He already has something in the works, but it wouldn't hurt to pray a little.

We hope Obama fails to prevent a terrorist attack on American soil.
Although this is one thing we shouldn't actively hope for, at least out loud, a terrorist attack on American soil would go a long way to restoring George Bush's image by proving that all of his efforts to prevent another one after 9/11, which President Obama is unraveling, worked. Americans will undoubtedly blame Obama for a terrorist attack especially if we point out that it was probably due to his closing Guantanamo and ending waterboarding of suspects. This is something that Republicans should quietly pray for, especially if it happens in a place where there are a lot of Obama voters like New York, then deplore it when it happens and unite behind the President for a week or so before we point out through anonymous spokespeople that it was Obama's fault. Rush Limbaugh, however, can start blaming Obama as soon as it happens. That's why Republicans are lucky to have him as the voice of the party. He's the only one who can say what we are really thinking.

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44 comments:

kathleenmaher said...

I have my doubts, but unless my husband, who writes research papers for a financial institution that as of last night was still in tact, is wrong, perhaps you can take pleasure in his conviction. I'm quite sure it's not his hope, but he maintains that an 800 billion stimulus package would do little more to help the economy than the dollar I give some poor man or toothless woman weeping in total abandon every time I take the subway.

Anonymous said...

bahahha this sure is "reasonable"

Lisa KS said...

Is this a parody or is this for real? I'm hoping "parody" because wishing that lots and lots of people die seems like it can't be a real, serious commentary--but ya never know. :) Let me know.

Dan said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
phuckpolitics said...

Gays will never get the rights they deserve until a black rapper stands up and demands it.


Of course I expect diamonds to shoot out of my ass before that happens.

Anonymous said...

By definition people who post at blogs are extreme partisans. There isn't much room for objectivity but although I'm a conservative I do try to hold onto mine. As I read this little homage to Rushbo my eyes started to roll as I oscillated between is this guy serious and it must be troll from Kos taking the p@#$. I can only say that if it's serious we're doomed. Making a rather odious, pill popping fat noisy guy who literally looks like comic villain the most visible face of the GOP does not look to me like a strategy David Ogilivy would recommend.

chawedrosin said...

kathleenmaher is right about the stimulus package. What good is giving a dollar to a woman weeping in the subway (or, in the case of this bill, to millions of women and men weeping in the subway), if it doesn't improve the fundamentals of our economy, as measured by financial institutions that are still intact?

What is the use of giving thousands of people who have lost their jobs a place to work and a modest paycheck, if all of those jobs are just fake, government-sponsored jobs? That may make for less weeping in the subway, but according to reports from the remaining financial institutions which have not yet collapsed, it won't really help the economy.

Christopher said...

Bravo for a well articulated post that points out the folly of wishing somebody to fail and all the trapdoors that come with it. I am a first time reader, but I saw your point immediately.

I have similar thoughts, although not as well-versed!

Anonymous said...

For the new comers here who do not know what to make of the blogger, just do a google search for "Jon Swift" and "A Modest Proposal" for your answer.

I for one thing this blogger has done an excellent job elucidating the strategy the Republicans will pursue for the next 4 years.

ROTUS said...

Rush has long been the real leader of the Republican Party. It's about time that the party recognize him as such and make him chairman of the DNC.

As for you sniveling liberals, best that you die then, and reduce the excess population.

beth said...

I would prefer someone else to be "the leader" of our Republican party. But he has made some interesting commentary lately.

yellojkt said...

In your description of Obama where you called him 'handsome', 'polite', 'educated', and 'articulate', you forgot 'clean'. I understand he works out every day and people that exercise that much tend to takes lots of showers.

Stella said...

"A nice young man...handsome and polite, seems well educated and articulate." Don't forget clean. You must include clean. Then, you, too, may become Vice President.

If you search for "A Modest Proposal," and that essay hooks you on Swift, you'll love "A Tale of a Tub." The satire is like swimming in a luscious pool of satirical jewels of brilliance and acuminate edges.

Jon Dryden wrote: "The art of satire is wielding so fine a sword as to sever the head and leave the body standing." Thus, we visit Jon Swift.

Hank said...

Listen fella, I'm getting a sense that you don't think that what's best for the GOP is best for the USA. It damn well is - always. You're starting to come over as some kind of RINO. That kind will be the death of our par ... er country. There's still a war on (several in fact) and the enemies are not all on foreign soil so don't go playing nice with them. Yes I know that's your message, but I'm not hearing it all that loud and clear. Sharpen up, son.

booza said...

This post was deemed inappropriate by the moderator, his mother, the cook, and a rabbi, which is too bad, because it was quite funny.

Squigglethecow said...

'm not sure how much I agree or disagree with every little part of this post, but I am sure you (and people thinking like you) are stirring up the pot quiet a bit.

For that, kudos. This Obama mania has gone too far. While some people do legitimately support him, the majority are sheep fighting for a cause they dont know anything about.

Keeps stirring up trouble, it might make some step back and think things through.

Mike Haubrich, FCD said...

Rushbo is right. Obama must fail, because if he fails then he refutes Reaganism.

We can't have that, because Reaganism is bad economics then however would people be convinced that tax breaks for the rich and borrowing tons of money for the military is the way to fight the Russians?

CrackerLilo said...

Man, reading this makes me feel patriotic all over, just like listening to Rush!

Eric said...

Wait. Clay Aikin was in the closet?

Bustednuckles said...

You sir, get it.

That was a very articulate argument of why we need more Republicans in position of leadership.

(Cough, Cough)

I am now going to finish off a bottle of Vodka and pray these assholes get buried deep.

By the way, I do not believe I have ever properly thanked you for Blogrolling me last year. It is now my turn to pay that forward.

Thanks,
Busted.

Bukko_in_Australia said...

Is it a contradiction in terms, or a logical conundrum, for another reasonable conservative (that would be me) to hope that there is no hope for America as long as Hopebama is in charge?

I mean, I hope this, but that implies that there IS hope, and I want hopelessness. I'm so confused. I feel this way a lot, especially when I listen to Rush. (They sell cassettes of his programmes in the Muslim suburb at this shop that also sells religious sermons by various imams who issue lots of fatwas.)

Tattoosydney said...

Mr Swift,

What about Iraq and that other place... what's it called... Afghanistan?

Don't we also have to hope that things go south there too? After all, nothing makes people want to vote Republican more than do some dead soldiers and a hell of a lot of dead A-rabs.

Bukko_in_Australia said...

After that previous post, I was thinking -- I don't usually think BEFORE I post comments on blogs, especially yours -- and I realised that Obama has pwn'ed Rush. The alleged president has gotten the Great One to fall into his trap by using the word "hope" when Rusho says "I HOPE he fails."

DON'T DO IT, RUSH! YOU'RE USING HIS WORD! YOU MUST NEVER SAY "HOPE" AGAIN!

By saying the H-word, it's a subliminable sign that there IS such a thing as "hope." If you hear it, you know it exists. But it's just another word in the English language that the liberals have spoiled, like "gay" and "marriage" and "torture." Say them all together -- "gay marriage torture." After the past eight years of Democrat abuse, can any of us utter those words without feeling dirty?

And now "hope." Bill Clinton ruined it by trying to claim that there was a town with that name where he was born. And now Obama has made it his trademark word. It must never cross our conservative lips, except as a pejorative.

Therefore, Rush and the party he leads must eschew the word. I think their new slogan should be something like "GOP -- the Hopeless Party" or "We're Republicans -- we have no hope." And above the door of every Republican politician, and especially any party office, there should be a sign: "Abandon hope, all ye who enter here."

Clint said...

You handle the mantle of Swift well. My question (to which I expect no answer) is whether in reality you are a liberal trying to expose Republican idiocy or a conservative trying to show where your party has erred. I find one more interesting than the other, but the answer is irrelevant. Good show.

BJ Tabor said...

Fine post Mr Swift. Finally we see the GOP returning to its roots and doing what it does best; playing spoiler to the Democrats. Unless we conservatives do our utmost best to resist any attempt to fix any of the nations problems how will the public understand how difficult these problems are?

PaminBB said...

A very prescient post, JS. Former VP Darth Cheney has indeed been advocating the same program of anti-hope (except for the gay-hating bit) over at Politico. You clearly have your finger on the pulse of the GOP (well, Cheney no longer has his own pulse, but he feeds those of others).

Bravo.

Anonymous said...

I'm a liberal.
Let's just get that out there right now.
But hey, who cares. I was reading along, thinking to myself, "This is an intelligent guy. Maybe I can learn something from him or get a different viewpoint." Yeah. Right.
WHAT IS THE MATTER WITH YOU?
1. You're HOPING that there will be a terrorist attack, just for the enjoyment of rubbing it in a man's face, a man who worked hard for this country and has made so many millions of people feel as if we are a melting pot again?
2. You're HOPING that Obama will not be able to "get people to stop hating gays"? Look, mister. I know that you don't believe in gay marriage, and I don't care. But seriously, aren't people people? Your type claim that you are following the Bible, but you ABSOLUTELY CANNOT pick and choose things from something written thousands of years ago. It's barbaric, ignorant, and a whole lot of other words. Try putting yourself in a homosexual's shoes, eh? See? Not so easy to be wished unseen by thousands upon thousands of the witless.
So, I know that I'm coming across as mean. And I'm sorry if you think I'm radical for wanting to include people in society. But PLEASE, please consider rethinking your vile and cruel hopes and wishes. I don't give a crap if you didn't vote for the first black president, but put politics aside for a moment and rejoice in the fact that the Great American Melting Pot, The Free Country, has come so far.

P.S. I don't know why you think that if the government allows a person to marry someone he/she loves it will lead to marriage to animals. Just silly, man.

-An ashamed, confused, hurt, terrified, and furious American.

thaumaturge said...

Ha ha, some Yanks are so funny! Especially earnest Anonymous ones.

Btw, my word verification is feukin.

Bustednuckles said...

thaumaturge,
Feukin A, mate.

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Bob in Toledo said...

Like Rush, I "hope" Obama's Hoax & Chains fails! I will WORK to see that he fails




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