Sunday, January 28, 2007

Violent Acres: The Mother Teresa of Cyberspace

(Cartoon by MTC)
The Internet truly brings out the best in people. There are many wonderful bloggers out there who go out of their way to bring just a little more joy into the world, but in my opinion there is no one who has a bigger heart in the blogosphere than the mysterious V who writes Violent Acres. Although she took up residence in the metaverse only a few short months ago, she has already made this virtual world a better place.

V decided to start a blog with one altruistic thought in mind: to help the children. And so she immediately took up arms against the scoundrels who were doing them the most harm -- their mothers. Sexual predators and terrorists may be bad people, but they have nothing on mommybloggers, those cold-hearted harpies with a steely-eyed compulsion to screw up their kids' lives by inordinately praising them and smothering them with love. "I think it's the attention mommybloggers crave and they're so firmly addicted to it that they'll sacrifice their child's privacy and well being if it will help them reach Internet Prom Queen status a little quicker," she wrote. But how to fight villainesses like like Dooce and Sweetney? At first, V's pleading missives fell on deaf ears. But then she hit on a brilliant plan. She would have to hit these mommybloggers where it hurt, at their weakest point. So she decided to fight them by attacking their children in the most vicious ways she could imagine. When one mother wondered why her daughter was not more popular, V, in a stroke of genius, answered her by posting a picture of the woman's daughter next to a picture of a child with Down's Syndrome. What better way to demonstrate that this mother was exposing her daughter to ridicule than by ridiculing this girl herself? In a sense she is like a female Mark Foley; he didn't merely spout empty rhetoric about how dangerous the Internet could be for kids, but actually went out and proved it.

Unlike the cold and cruel world of politics, which drove out Mark Foley for his selfless efforts, the supportive and nurturing Internet welcomed V with open arms. Her traffic skyrocketed. Her ad revenue leapt into the double digits. After just a month she was an Internet star. And she didn't have to exploit her own children to grab that big brass token ring the way mommy bloggers did. Instead, she used someone else's.

So who is this Mother Teresa of cyberspace, this saintly woman who has no children of her own but goes out of her way to help the children of others? Little is known about her other than what she has told us. She is exceptionally beautiful, which is why she doesn't post photos of herself lest she make others feel insecure (coincidentally, the very same reason I have elected not to post photos of myself). She is fabulously wealthy and though she scarcely needs it, has more than doubled her income through the Google ads on her site. And she seems to feel compelled to spread the happiness she has found in life to as many people as possible by attacking those who make life miserable for the rest of us, such as nerds, fat people and smokers. She took upon herself the thankless task of informing her stepchildren that their real mother, who is a smoker, would die very soon. Someone had to do it.

Though she is a strong and formidable woman with everything going for her, she was not always this way. As a young girl she was cruelly bullied by the Heathers in her school and was only able to survive by becoming a bully herself. There was no other choice. Her strength of character has made her very popular with the boys at Digg, who dream that someday they, too, will meet a woman who can beat them up. But I'm afraid I must break the news to them that there is more than a little bravada in her claims of emotional superiority. Buried deep within her psyche is a streak of insecurity that she struggles to suppress. In reality, she is a Stuart Smalley in stilettos, tearfully affirming, "I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and, doggonit, people like me!" as she crushes small animals with her heels.

Like Smalley, she is now a self-help guru on a mission to help others by offering vague advice on how we can be just like her. She dispenses free financial advice that anyone can follow -- for example, quit your day job and become someone's trophy wife. She even counsels us on how to improve our sex lives. I asked Mrs. Swift if it was true that women really want to have their hair pulled and be spat on, and to my surprise, she told me that was exactly what women want, except that in her case she had just had her hair done. We're hoping to try it out next Thursday, which will be a refreshing change from the pith helmets and mosquito netting we usually use in the bedroom. I'm sure many of her male readers were happy to hear that she has been able to achieve financial success and sexual satisfaction without the help of feminism, which has just been a detriment to her efforts to achieve perfection. Why strive to be equal to men when you are clearly far superior?

It is unlikely that I would have encountered such an amazing woman as this if it weren't for the Internet. I'm sure I would not be allowed to travel in her vaunted social circles and if I were she would no doubt make fun of me in a delightfully cruel way, which would be for my own good. I can only hope that someday I will be lucky enough to achieve the deepest desire of her most dedicated fans, to be callously thrown into her virtual briar patch by being slapped down by her by her on her blog. But in this blog eat blog world, Violent Acres is a four-star restaurant that serves the finest in cannibal cuisine and only a select few can get reservations.

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Working Girl said...

She does seem to be quite the selfless communitarian...

Say No to Crack said...

You're right - the internet is really something. I wouldn't have found Violent Acres, had I not found you, had I not looked at the 2006 Blog Awards site, had I not looked at a bunch of blog award sites, had I not been selected for a Bloggie (voting still going on!).

I'd be horrified if someone showed me a count of mouse clicks by day on my computer. I'd probably be preselected for Carpal Tunnel prevention kits!

Great site, glad I found it (and added to my reader),
Anita =)

John said...

She is exceptionally beautiful, which is why she doesn't post photos of herself lest she make others feel insecure (coincidentally, the very same reason I have elected not to post photos of myself).

What on Earth are you talking about, my dear fellow? You have a picture of yourself right at the upper left there, in case it had escaped your attention. But I can see why you would have intended to conceal it! Why, I feel myself shriveling in shame even as I type this.

Mark said...

I've been a staunch follower of your advice and, by extension, the advice of bloggers you endorse, but I have to break it off here. This woman knows nothing about the life-revenue continuum, she is a phony. I offered myself as a trophy wife in order to quit my day job, something I have been looking for a way to do since I started working, and it failed. No evidence of interest whatsoever. I also am exceptionally beautiful, so it can't be that.

Cody said...

I'll have you know that the students with Down's syndrome at my school were always the ones with throngs of other students surrounding them. The other students would always point at them, presumably to let each other know that they were indeed friends with those at which they were pointing. Everybody at my school knew about Good Job Guy, Crayon Girl, and Helen "Keller" Keillor. If that isn't the definition of popularity, what is?

Xanthippas said...

John Swift reads Violent Acres so we don't have to.

jetta said...

Oh Jon, you're my hero <3.

Miss Cellania said...

Quit my day job and be a trophy wife? Damn, what a great idea! I should have thought of it myself! I'll get right on that.

Mark said...

If you are successful, I want half because it was my idea. Call it hush money if you like, but it is grossly unfair that you should be advantageously considered just because you are a woman. I will never be able to break through the glass ceiling with you keeping me down. You owe me.

The Digerati Life said...

Best post I've read in ages. Great analysis of the VA that I used to read until I stumbled upon her archives discussing the mommyblogger's poor children and what they were eating.

There was one post of hers that stopped me from going back. It was the one about a foster child. I couldn't stomach it. I was tempted to return to VA but couldn't, even though I'm a rubbernecking fan of train wrecks, road kill and all other forms of shock and awe that tickle my morbid curiosity.

Thanks to VA, I discovered my boundaries.

Kilroy_60 said...

I like your style! Great addition to the carnival!

Looks like definite linkability; if you get a chance to plug me in I'll be happy to do the same. I have a few referrals for you as well.

Wondering what you think about hosting a carnival with us.

Anonymous said...

Yeah, she really cares for her fellow humans, that's why she wrote that post called "Retard Genocide" so that she could further controversy, raise her traffic levels further and sell more ads.

She writes things that are made up and she makes money from it. She doesn't care about others or specifically not care.

She lies, she makes money, period.

Anonymous said...

Violent Acres is complete fiction. Read enough of the posts and the writer contradicts herself and family history, leaving all sorts of other unintentional clues for the intelligent reader to notice. The fact that anyone would spend time praising this person as a writer, much less a humaitarian, shows just how much real authors and writers are unappreciated. There is a reason not everyone in the world is an author or journalist: because not everyone has that ability. The author of violent acres certainly does not, nor does "she" have a fleck of honesty or integrity.

Project WANNABE said...

Plus, to me, the author of Violent Acres seems to be a man. Just a sense I get when reading it. Anyone else get that feeling?

Anonymous said...

>>Plus, to me, the author of Violent Acres seems to be a man. Just a sense I get when reading it. Anyone else get that feeling?

I thought so at first, but as I continued reading, I now believe the writer is a woman. The posts about life with the current husband actually ring true, as do her comments about being treated rudely as a woman shopping alone for a truck...

Nbtar said...

Jesus, i laughed at this post. It's shit.

Who gives a crap that she took the piss out of some stupid women who dared post pictures of their kids on the internet? not me, that's for sure. I am an avid and loyal reader of VA, and i love her work, even if it is fiction. Her financial posts ring true, if a little extreme. Oh, and finally:

i found your site THROUGH VA. thanks to her, you got another click. smile, faggot. have a little internet thrown your way, not Real Life (which is all sugar tones and obviously-not-lies). go to places such as /b/. see the bottom of the internet underground.

Anonymous said...

Okay, I'm slightly confused. Maybe I've read another blog names violent acres.

1. Where/when has VA said anything about being too good looking to post a picture?
I always thought the reason why she didn't post pics was because she liked her privacy.
She constantly says that she's ugly.

2. I’m pretty sure that VA’s ratings skyrocket because of everything OTHER than her mommy-blogger posts. I can’t tell you for sure as I’m not sure how technorat, or whatever it is, works but I do remember reading comments from her readers saying they hated the mommy-blogger posts.

3. I thought she was ashamed on her posts on nerds? On her ‘fat’ pages, she offers people advice on how to not gain weight. Which was quite helpful for me (as a fat fuck). By your logic, these websites are also horrible:
I guess websites like VA and intense workout shouldn’t be mean because no-one who is fat needs tough love. Oh no, what we fat people need (when we want to lose weight) is for people to be extremely nice to us. Oh and of course, commenting on women gaining unhealthy weight whilst pregnany is a horrible thing to do: even if gaining too much weight whilst pregnant can lead to health complication. but I’m sure WebMD is being mean too.
I can’t comment on the smokers thing because it’s missing. But if it was how you say it was (which I doubt considering the veracity of your claims so far) then hey, at least she scarred some kids out of smoking for life.

4. I love hearing judgemental talks about bullies and abused kids. Yup. You are the master of human psychology. IF you were in that position where you had no safe haven (not at school, not at home) you totally wouldn’t behave that way.

5. That financial advice is actually useful for people. (Like don’t go to Disneyland). I have never seen anything on her website that indicates that someone should become a trophy wife.

6. She doesn’t counsel you on your sex life. She tells people about her own sex life. Besides, sexologists have studied this (and found it to be true to some extent) time and time again. I would provide you with a link but I’m not in the habit of googling studies about sex.

7. I think I’m going to bite my own head off. Where does she says that she’s superior? The only thing she’s criticised the feminist movement is the impression it has left on the mind of young males that women are these weak things that men must protect and never, ever be mean to (in case we cry). Yet, if you read that post, it doens’t come off as if she’s criticising all of feminism. Just the third wave. This is known as post-feminism theory. Even people who are identified as feminists, can identify themselves as post-feminists. &
But I’m sure women like Deborah Meaden are bad too?

8. Sorry you may not agree but I completely agree with the idea of privacy. VA’s posts may not have been appropriate but why haven’t the mommybloggers removed images of their children after seeing them on VA’s post? In fact, I’m more than sure that if the mommybloggers wrote a public notice on their website to VA as “Dear VA, I’ve learnt my lesson. I will no longer exploit my children. Can you take down the post with their images on them?” and then respect their child’s privacy, THEN I’d completely agree with you.

So... maybe we’re reading two different blogs both names VA. If not, your post is a bit silly. I’m going to go now because I just realised I have a life. Take care.

P.S. your captcha thing sucks