Violent Acres: The Mother Teresa of Cyberspace

(Cartoon by MTC)
The Internet truly brings out the best in people. There are many wonderful bloggers out there who go out of their way to bring just a little more joy into the world, but in my opinion there is no one who has a bigger heart in the blogosphere than the mysterious V who writes Violent Acres. Although she took up residence in the metaverse only a few short months ago, she has already made this virtual world a better place.

V decided to start a blog with one altruistic thought in mind: to help the children. And so she immediately took up arms against the scoundrels who were doing them the most harm -- their mothers. Sexual predators and terrorists may be bad people, but they have nothing on mommybloggers, those cold-hearted harpies with a steely-eyed compulsion to screw up their kids' lives by inordinately praising them and smothering them with love. "I think it's the attention mommybloggers crave and they're so firmly addicted to it that they'll sacrifice their child's privacy and well being if it will help them reach Internet Prom Queen status a little quicker," she wrote. But how to fight villainesses like like Dooce and Sweetney? At first, V's pleading missives fell on deaf ears. But then she hit on a brilliant plan. She would have to hit these mommybloggers where it hurt, at their weakest point. So she decided to fight them by attacking their children in the most vicious ways she could imagine. When one mother wondered why her daughter was not more popular, V, in a stroke of genius, answered her by posting a picture of the woman's daughter next to a picture of a child with Down's Syndrome. What better way to demonstrate that this mother was exposing her daughter to ridicule than by ridiculing this girl herself? In a sense she is like a female Mark Foley; he didn't merely spout empty rhetoric about how dangerous the Internet could be for kids, but actually went out and proved it.

Unlike the cold and cruel world of politics, which drove out Mark Foley for his selfless efforts, the supportive and nurturing Internet welcomed V with open arms. Her traffic skyrocketed. Her ad revenue leapt into the double digits. After just a month she was an Internet star. And she didn't have to exploit her own children to grab that big brass token ring the way mommy bloggers did. Instead, she used someone else's.

So who is this Mother Teresa of cyberspace, this saintly woman who has no children of her own but goes out of her way to help the children of others? Little is known about her other than what she has told us. She is exceptionally beautiful, which is why she doesn't post photos of herself lest she make others feel insecure (coincidentally, the very same reason I have elected not to post photos of myself). She is fabulously wealthy and though she scarcely needs it, has more than doubled her income through the Google ads on her site. And she seems to feel compelled to spread the happiness she has found in life to as many people as possible by attacking those who make life miserable for the rest of us, such as nerds, fat people and smokers. She took upon herself the thankless task of informing her stepchildren that their real mother, who is a smoker, would die very soon. Someone had to do it.

Though she is a strong and formidable woman with everything going for her, she was not always this way. As a young girl she was cruelly bullied by the Heathers in her school and was only able to survive by becoming a bully herself. There was no other choice. Her strength of character has made her very popular with the boys at Digg, who dream that someday they, too, will meet a woman who can beat them up. But I'm afraid I must break the news to them that there is more than a little bravada in her claims of emotional superiority. Buried deep within her psyche is a streak of insecurity that she struggles to suppress. In reality, she is a Stuart Smalley in stilettos, tearfully affirming, "I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and, doggonit, people like me!" as she crushes small animals with her heels.

Like Smalley, she is now a self-help guru on a mission to help others by offering vague advice on how we can be just like her. She dispenses free financial advice that anyone can follow -- for example, quit your day job and become someone's trophy wife. She even counsels us on how to improve our sex lives. I asked Mrs. Swift if it was true that women really want to have their hair pulled and be spat on, and to my surprise, she told me that was exactly what women want, except that in her case she had just had her hair done. We're hoping to try it out next Thursday, which will be a refreshing change from the pith helmets and mosquito netting we usually use in the bedroom. I'm sure many of her male readers were happy to hear that she has been able to achieve financial success and sexual satisfaction without the help of feminism, which has just been a detriment to her efforts to achieve perfection. Why strive to be equal to men when you are clearly far superior?

It is unlikely that I would have encountered such an amazing woman as this if it weren't for the Internet. I'm sure I would not be allowed to travel in her vaunted social circles and if I were she would no doubt make fun of me in a delightfully cruel way, which would be for my own good. I can only hope that someday I will be lucky enough to achieve the deepest desire of her most dedicated fans, to be callously thrown into her virtual briar patch by being slapped down by her by her on her blog. But in this blog eat blog world, Violent Acres is a four-star restaurant that serves the finest in cannibal cuisine and only a select few can get reservations.

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Jon Swift, Violent Acres, Mommybloggers, Dooce, Sweetney,Feminism, Blogosphere, Internet, Digg, Dragonlady's World OTA, Perri Nelson's Open Trackbacks