Tuesday, March 06, 2007

What Kind of a Tree Is Scooter Libby?

Of all the people that Patrick Fitzgerald has hurt with his malicious prosecution of Scooter Libby, no one has suffered more than Vice President Dick Cheney. "On a personal level, friends of the vice president say the trial has been deeply painful for him," according to the New York Times. The Vice President's friend Vin Weber told the Times, that the verdict has "got to be heartbreaking for the vice president." As Peter Suderman pointed out on The Corner, "Cheney's an actual human being with a life outside of the role he's usually assigned as Purveyor of War and Evil," which is something a lot of people don't realize. It has been so difficult for him that he couldn't even bring himself to testify on Libby's behalf.

When the guilty verdict was read by the jury at the end of the trial, the first thing I thought was how awful this must be for the Vice President. And this may just be the beginning of his pain and suffering. Some are suggesting that Libby is the fall guy and that he is covering for the Vice President and that he might be convinced to turn state's evidence. During the trial Fitzgerald said mysteriously that "there is a cloud over the Vice President," but when a reporter asked him about the Vice President's role he refused to discuss it, saying ominously that the case is inactive but that it would be re-opened if someone came forward with new information. Luckily for the Vice President, Libby is not being sent to Guantanamo where alternative interrogation methods would probably have resulted in Libby's ratting out his boss whether he was guilty of anything or not, but that doesn't mean that the Vice President is totally in the clear.

To ease his stress, I recommend that the Vice President do what I do in difficult times: He should turn to the solace of nature. If he's too busy to take a long vacation, he can always close his eyes and imagine himself in a peaceful grove. Not cavorting amidst the redwoods of Bohemian Grove with his conservative friends, as enjoyable as that might be, but in a quiet and peaceful grove of, say, aspens.

The aspen is a hearty and ancient tree. Its wood is white and strong like most conservatives. There is a grove of aspens in the good Republican state of Utah that may be 80,000 years old, according to the liberally biased Wikipedia. Aspens have round leaves that twist slowly, slowly in the wind, the way scandalmongers in the Justice Department are supposed to. The most common type of aspen in the American West has the Latin name Populus tremuloides, which means "trembling people." I can imagine the Vice President saying that phrase to himself and smiling.

Because of their underlying web of interconnecting roots, Aspens are able to survive forest fires. Sure, a few trees get burned, but new saplings rise to take their place. It's the same in politics. Scorched earth tactics may singe a few, but it is for the greater good. Even liberal Wikipedia agrees: "Fire indirectly benefits aspen trees, as it allows the saplings to flourish in open sunlight on account of the burned landscape." There is nothing like a burned landscape for nourishing new trees and new democracies.

Aspens are also associated with Christ-like sacrifice. Some Christians believe that the cross on which Christ was crucified was made of aspen. (Although some scientists point out that there are no aspens in that part of the world, that makes no sense because then how did they get on Noah's Ark?) According to another legend, the leaves of aspens quiver because they are made from the tongues of women who can't stop talking. But as Judith Miller proved with her noble sacrifice, it is possible for some women to stop talking when they are protecting someone.

I hope that when Scooter Libby gives his first jailhouse interview to Barbara Walters, he will remember Miller's steadfastness and not reveal too much. Invariably, Walters will ask Libby, "What kind of a tree are you?" I think the Vice President will be pleased with his response. "An aspen," he will say. "An aspen."

Scooter Libby may be a fall guy but he will probably go to jail in the summer. It is winter now. Out West, where Vice President Cheney vacations, the aspens are all bare. In the summer they will start blooming and then in the fall they will turn again. They turn in clusters, because their roots connect them. But there is one aspen standing tall all alone. I don't think the Vice President will have to worry about that aspen turning and revealing the connecting roots. See how soothing nature can be?

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The Dick That Got Away (Again) said...

Hey, want to go pheasant hunting?

Shimmy said...

It's only a matter of time till Cheney's eating wet food from a bowl on the kitchen floor!

OutOfContext said...

I can tell you one thing, Scooter is not like those apple trees in the Wizard of Oz. Fitzgerald sure couldn't trick him into throwing tasty government officials at him just by shouting that they're probably all rotten.
As for Cheney, I think of the mighty redwoods in the Petrified Forest. He is a tree and a rock at once and that is his genius.
For what it's worth, according to Cornsnakes.com, the best substrate for a cornsnake cage is aspen shavings.

Nick Kasoff - The Thug Report said...

It has been so difficult for him that he couldn't even bring himself to testify on Libby's behalf.

Sorry, that's a load. Of course, it was supposed to be, wasn't it? Fact is, it just doesn't look good for the VP to be testifying for the defense in a criminal trial. Better to just pardon him when it's all over.

... Joey P. said...

Did Peggy Noonan write that last paragraph?


Oh heavens, can't you just wait for her column next Saturday on Libby in the Wall Street Journal? I'll need to make sure I read it before breakfast.

Walter Burek said...

Why is it that Scooter goes to jail for "lying"(not remembering)to the Grand Jury, and Bill got off free as a woodpecker?

Hackwhackers said...

Answer: An ash

Specialist G said...

Mr. Burek is right. Lying about a blowjob to someone who is supposed to be investigating a real estate deal is MUCH worse than obstructing an investigation into an act of treason. I tear up when I think of the way history has been so unkind to the House Republicans who shut down our government and spent hundreds of millions of dollars to prosecute an act of adultery. The fact that Orin Hatch and Newt Gingrich were cheating on their wives has nothing to do with it, so stop saying that. In conclusion, how long will we let traitorous, liberal-leaning institutions like the CIA interfere with a God-fearing, White Republican's ability to make a dollar off a trumped-up, phoney war?

MistahCharley said...

I hope that Baba Wawa asks, "What make of luxury sedan are you?" - That tree thing is kind of old by now.

Matt c said...

From PoliticalHaiku.com

He Lied to Congress
A Jury sent him to Jail
His buddy sprung him.