Thursday, December 28, 2006

Jon Swift's Predictions for 2007

Last year I made eight predictions for the year 2006 and nearly half of them came true, a better average than most psychics. As I predicted, there were no terrorist attacks in Wyoming, the stock market did soar to 10,000 and American troops did leave Iraq, "except for the ones necessary to keep order and prevent civil war." My prediction that Vice President Cheney would resign and that President Bush would appoint Joe Lieberman to take his place sort of came true. Now that the balance in the Senate depends on Lieberman, he has indeed become the second most powerful man in the government, so I should get half credit for that one. I think three and a half out of eight is pretty remarkable. So without further ado are even more predictions for 2007:

  • The next six months in Iraq will prove to be critical for determining how the following six months are going to go.
  • Over the summer President Bush reads Jean Paul Sartre's No Exit.
  • Glenn Reynolds will announce that he has achieved Singularity, exclaiming, "This blog is writing itself!" So many people link to this post that it crashes Instapundit's servers.
  • Web 2.1 is released and while it contains a few nice new features and plugs some security holes in Web 2.0, overall it proves to be a big disappointment.
  • An increasingly bellicose Switzerland announces plans to develop nuclear weapons.
  • ThirdLife, a virtual world for those who are bored with the limitations of their mundane existence on SecondLife, will be the year's fastest growing social networking platform.
  • George H.W. Bush will announce that he is running for President in a move widely seen as a sign that he is breaking with some of his son's policies though he won't say so publicly. President George W. Bush pointedly refuses to endorse Bush Sr., saying he wants to learn more about his father's positions on the issues first.
  • Barak Obama will announce that he is running for vice president.
  • John Kerry repeatedly uses the n-word in a joke gone horribly wrong.
  • Ted Haggard emerges from counseling ahead of schedule to announce that he is no longer gay, is becoming a Scientologist and that he will divorce his wife to marry Liza Minnelli.
  • Pictures of Rudolph Giuliani in drag will surface, scuttling his plans to run for President.
  • Congress will do nothing at all about Social Security or health care.
  • Rush Limbaugh and Ann Coulter will team up to launch a coordinated attack on orphans, calling them "careless" and "whiny."
  • Temperatures will go down in February causing widespread doubt about global warming, but by July there will be renewed calls to do something about it.
  • Time magazine will select itself as Person of the Year.
  • In the season finale of Lost we discover that it was all a dream by Hurley who wakes up in Bob Newhart's hotel.
  • Guns N Roses don't release their album Chinese Democracy.
  • Rupert Murdoch crashes his computer while trying to load a page in MySpace and angrily sells the company.
  • Increasing strife in the blogosphere leads to the appointment of a Blog Study Group, which proposes dividing the blogosphere into three autonomous Liberal, Conservative and Moderate blogistans.
  • Jimmy Hoffa's body will be found in Elvis Presley's grave.
  • Recruitment shortfalls lead the Pentagon to hire temps to fill some positions and outsource some work to the Indian military.
  • In a historic meeting in Georgia the sons of former slaves and the sons of former slave owners sit down together at the table of brotherhood. (However, it's possible that this meeting, which was rescheduled from 2006, may have to be rescheduled for 2008.)
  • Beasts ferocious with hunger will cross the rivers, the greater part of the battlefield will be against Hister. Into a cage of iron will the great one be drawn, when the child of Germany observes nothing. I'm not sure what this means, if anything.
  • Although my bold prediction last year that "people will develop superintelligent brains that allow them to communicate telepathically and everyone will travel around using fuel-efficient jetpacks" did not pan out (in fact, I think we might have moved backwards in terms of brain capacity), I am very optimistic about this year so I am repeating this prediction for 2007.
  • Finally, whatever happens in 2007, you can be sure it would have been a lot worse and more people would have died if we had done something else.

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22 comments:

Sporty said...

Did you predict that I would be the first to comment?

Jane Chin said...

If "Lost" turns out to be Hurley's dream, "Somebody's gonna get a hurt real bad!" (a la Peter Russell).

Jane

A Big Fat Slob said...

Here's yer Guiliani pic

A Big Fat Slob said...

On the serious side, your final comment needs to be addressed. The premise is that the invasion of Iraq had anything at all to do with "fighting back" against bin Laden. That is a shamefully indefensible position.

DZman49 said...

I like the description of orphans as "careless". Very Wildean.

Jae said...

The John Kerry comment had me laughing for quite a while!

Charles Malik said...

The John Kerry prediction was definitely the best.

Charles Malik said...

And by best, I mean funniest.

Anonymous said...

You make a me laugh. Yous a funny guy.

WomanHonorThyself said...

LOL!..John Kerry repeatedly uses the n-word in a joke gone horribly wrong. ...o yea no doubt !
Time to add u to the esteemed blogroll..Heh..ty for the link and Happy New Year hun!

Carol said...

Regarding your last Prediction: All I can say is..When the last Terrorist leaves the White House, Please, leave the Flag!

Your Worried Maternal Overseer Unit said...

You failed to mention anything about Michael J. Fox, Britney Spears' hairless coo-coo, or the End of Life As We Know It.

Have you been getting enough gruel in your diet?

eatbees said...

Since you linked to that Wikipedia entry about the Singularity (and doesn't Wikipedia have well-known liberal bias?) could you please explain what relation this has to The Rapture? Is it the Rapture, then Armageddon, then the Singularity, or does the Singularity precede the Rapture as a sign of the End Times? And where does Israel come into this?

nuke gingrich said...

Who is this "Instapundit" of whom you speak?

QuickNuke said...

First of all... there is no such thing as a REASONABLE conservative who respects Rush. I'm as open-minded as they come... but reasonable and Rush should never be used in the same sentence. Rush is just a good voice and a strong marketing machine who makes money off of people who want to be big mach men.

Second, I seriously doubt that President Bush will read anything that Sartre has written. Personally, i'd prefer that 43 spend his time reading Being and Nothingness, but that would be an insult to Sartre... having the father of the bougeosie read one of his books... pretending he understands its meaning.

Janet said...

I really liked the predictions about Instapundit and the Singularity.
Hilarious!
happy new year 2007!

Pgh10 said...

Your prediction about the orphans was so bad it was good. They are careless tho' - they didn't just lose one parent, they went and lost TWO.

Anonymous said...

I would go further to say that there will actually be a reasonable democaracy in China before Guns N Roses release the album, forcing Axl Rose to change the name of the album causing further delay.

Dunbar.

THE PERIODIC ENGLISHMAN said...

I like the description of orphans as "careless". Very true.

güvercin said...

Is it the Rapture, then Armageddon, then the Singularity, or does the Singularity precede the Rapture as a sign of the End Times? And where does Israel come into this?

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