Jon Swift's 2006 Congressional Campaign Roundup

Democrats need to win 15 Republican seats to recapture Congress and according to the National Journal and the Charlie Cook Report at least that many are already in trouble. Of course, turning Congress over to the Democrats would mean that the terrorists have won, so I have put together a list of the Top Ten Republicans most in need of support. When you take a look at their accomplishments, it's hard to believe that these great lawmakers are not trouncing their opponents.

Don Sherwood - Pennsylvania-10

Don Sherwood has been the victim of vicious personal attacks from his enemies who accuse him of trying to strangle his mistress. Although Sherwood admits having a five-year extramarital affair with her, he vehemently denies physically abusing her and says that when police were called to the apartment they shared, he was only giving her a backrub, which, as anyone who has ever had a good backrub knows, can seem like being choked although you feel really good afterwards. Unfortunately, Sherwood has been victimized by these slanderous attacks because he is a staunch member of the Christian Right who has high ratings from the Christian Coalition, the American Conservative Union, and the American Family Association. The record of his opponent Chris Carney, a Navy veteran and counter-terrorism expert, just begs the question as to whether he ever tried to strangle anyone during his military service. I think when voters are faced with the stark contrast between someone who might have tried to strangle somebody and a good Christian conservative who definitely did not try to strangle somebody, the choice will be clear.

Randy Graf - Arizona-08

The Republican National Committee has already given up on Randy Graf, a former golf pro, just because he is 20 points behind his opponent Gabrielle Giffords. His golfing experience has given him unique insight into the Constitution, which he views as a "rule book" just like the one for golf, only shorter. As a state legislator Graf fought hard for a much needed bill to allow people to carry concealed guns into bars, which would have reduced the epidemic of bar brawls in the state, or at least made them end more quickly. But Graf is running for Congress mainly to do something about the issue he most cares about: illegal immigration. A member of the patriotic Minutemen, his efforts to curtail illegal immigration of non-Europeans by militarizing the border won him the admiration of David Duke. Unfortunately, he won't be able to rely on the expertise of his former campaign manager, who was jailed for having sex with two underaged girls, a crime that Graf said was "no more serious than providing a teenager with a beer." As any grateful teenager can tell you, that's really not so bad at all.

Rick O'Donnell Colorado-07

Rick O'Donnell is a man with visionary ideas. In 2004 he proposed drafting high school kids to patrol the Mexican border, which he said would give them "a society-wide rite of passage into manhood" that provided "a sense of adventure and risk." How many parents would love to get their teenagers out of their hair for a while and how many teenagers would be ecstatic at the chance to wander through the desert bordering Mexico, risking their lives nabbing immigrants and narcotraffickers? Another foresighted idea he had, abolishing Social Security, might not sit well with some voters, especially really old and cranky ones, but as he explains now, he was just a "misguided 24 year old" and a "know-it-all kid" when he thought up that one so he can't really be held accountable. Even though he has grown older and wiser, according to one of his campaign ads he "still looks 14," which will help him relate to pages on their level. While his opponent Ed Perlmutter, an attorney and former State Senator, looks his age that hasn't stopped him from doing well in the polls.

John Hostettler - Indiana-08

John Hostettler is an impassioned supporter of Christian rights who once said on the floor of Congress, "Like a moth to a flame, Democrats can't help themselves when it comes to denigrating and demonizing Christians." Unfortunately, his words apparently violated some persnickety rules and he was forced to withdraw them 20 minutes later or face censure, but it's the thought that counts. Hostettler's faith informs everything he does: He co-authored a bill to allow churches to engage in political campaigns without losing their tax-free status; sponsored "the Public Expression of Religion Act," which forbids awarding attorney's fees to those who sue the government for violating the Establishment clause of the First Amendment; voted against Hurricane Katrina aid, presumably because it would have gone against God's intentions to destroy New Orleans by flood; and told a group of breast cancer survivors that abortion causes breast cancer, which some overly sensitive attendees took as an implication that they had had abortions. Unlike some congressman, Hostettler has only been arrested once, when he accidentally tried to take a loaded 9 mm Glock pistol on an airplane with him in 2004, which is something that could happen to anybody. I'm sure it happens to his opponent Sheriff Brad Ellsworth all the time.

(Update: The other Roger Ailes informs me that although the story about about Hostettler trying to rename Interstate-69 because it was too risqué appeared in the very reputable Hoosier Gazette, it was actually intended to be satire. I really think this kind of satire should not be permitted or at least should be clearly marked to avoid causing confusion and embarrassment. I hope that Rep. Hostettler will sponsor legislation to outlaw this sort of thing as soon as he is re-elected.)

Heather Wilson - New Mexico-01

Heather Wilson has fought diligently for the rights of people not to see nipples during half-time shows. In a tearful speech during a hearing to investigate Janet Jackson's wardrobe malfunction, she spoke movingly of the terrible effect it had on her young son and compared Viacom, the parent company of CBS, which broadcast the offensive show, to Enron, which contributed $2,500 to her campaign in 2000, while Viacom only gave $1,500. Wilson's deep-seated desire to protect children won her a position on the Congress' page board in 2001, which is a very big honor. During her tenure she became very close to Mark Foley, who contributed more to her campaign this year than to any other candidate, so you can imagine how devastated she must be by the recent allegations, which she denies having any prior knowledge of whatsoever so you can't blame her for what happened. One thing she and Foley have in common is a strong belief in the right of prvacy, which is probably the reason for her misguided statement calling for a full investigation of the NSA wiretapping program. Wilson's deep concern about issues of privacy began early in her career. Three days after she was appointed to head the New Mexico Department of Children, Youth and Families in 1995, she had an investigative case file on her husband removed and hidden in her office so that it wouldn't fall into the wrong hands. Although she initially denied taking the file to a nosey reporter, she later courageously owned up to it. Her opponent is New Mexico Attorney General Patricia Madrid, who makes her living from prying into other people's business.

Curt Weldon - Pennsylvania-07

Curt Weldon is perhaps the lone voice in Congress for conspiracy theorists and others who think outside the box or don't even believe there is a box at all no matter how many government commissions with their "experts" plot to make everybody think there is a box. Believing that "the jury is still out on WMD," he tried to organize his own personal mission to go to Iraq and find them until he was stopped by the State Department. Weldon, who was one of six lawmakers granted the honor of attending the Rev. Sun Myung Moon's "coronation," wrote a book detailing his shadowy correspondence with an Iranian dissident who claims that Iran is about to attack the United States. He also believes the government is covering up the fact that it had identified some of the terrorists responsible for the September 11 attacks before they happened. Although the National Journal wrote an article about him that begins with a quote from Gnarls Barkley's song "Crazy," it's likely that the National Journal is part of some vast conspiracy against him that includes the CIA, the NSA, the 9/11 Commission, the Trilateral Comission, Freemasons and his opponent, retired Vice Admiral Joe Sestak.

Peter Roskam - Illinois-06

Trial lawyer Peter Roskam really has a way with words. When he accused his opponent Tammy Duckworth of wanting to "cut and run from Iraq," many were impressed by his use of metaphor since Duckworth, who lost both of her legs fighting in Iraq, couldn't literally run from Iraq if she wanted to. Roskam is so concerned with precise use of literary imagery that he has proposed striking all mention of suicide from the curriculum of public schools, including such dangerous works Romeo and Juliet and It's a Wonderful Life. His use of analogies is also quite sophisticated. When asked why he is opposed to stem cell research when most Americans support it, he replied, "Most Americans were for slavery." If Roskam is elected, he will no doubt do everything in his power to set the stem cells free.


Michele Bachmann - Minnesota-06

Michele Bachmann sincerely wants to help homosexuals deal "with the very real issue of sexual dysfunction in their life.…It's a very sad life. It's part of Satan." She believes that gay marriage is the "biggest issue in 30 years" because "the immediate consequence, if gay marriage goes through, is that K-12 little children will be forced to learn that homosexuality is normal, natural and perhaps they should try it." She also believes that "the number one issue for our country right now, how are we going to deal with this threat of radical Islam." And of public education, she says, "That's my number one issue." Her opponent Patty Wetterling doesn't even have a number one issue, as far as I know, while Bachmann has at least three!

Mark Foley - Florida-16

Even though Mark Foley has resigned from Congress, he's still on the ballot. The Republican Party has said that if he wins they will substitute another candidate, but I don't necessarily believe that. I think if he gets enough votes, he can be persuaded to come back after he gets out of rehab. A vote for Mark Foley would be a repudiation of the Democrat smear campaign against him and the Republican leadership. Voting for his opponent, Tim Mahoney, would just encourage Democrats in their campaign of dirty tricks.

Tom Delay - Texas-22

Tom Delay is another member of Congress whose name is still on the ballot despite the fact that he resigned. The Republican Party is asking people to write in another candidate with a complicated hyphenated name that is very hard to spell. But I say why go through all that trouble when you can just pull a lever for Delay, who was one of the best congressmen ever. By the time the next session of Congress convenes it's possible that all the charges against him will have been dropped, and I'm sure he would jump at the chance to serve his constituents again. The Democrat candidate Nick Lampson just wants us to turn back the clock to a time when Congress didn't run so efficiently as it does today, thanks to the man known as "The Hammer."

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