Thursday, January 08, 2009

Epic Fail

Sixth place. Sixth place! Have I not done enough for you people? Have I not done enough reporting for you, at least by Michelle Malkin's standards? Are my posts not long enough? Have I not posted semi-regularly enough? Has my conservatism not been reasonable enough? Have I not not read enough books for you? Is it really too much to ask, to ask you to Go Here and push a little button to vote for me once a day for a week? How hard could that be? And who is this Comics Curmudgeon? The answer to that last question is a very sad tale that involves not only my impending ignoble defeat but also larger issues and much more vulnerable blogs than this one who have unjustly suffered in this year's Weblog Awards.

When President Bush won two elections it restored my faith in the sanctity of the voting process. Then I met the Weblog Awards. Last year, my category was used as the staging ground for a pissing contest between liberals and conservatives, not unlike Berlin in 1948, while the other blogs in the category, including this one, were caught in the crossfire. This year the Weblog Awards have been taken hostage by a lopsided interliberal battle with equally tragic results. In the end one liberal blog has taken ceiling cat-like powers upon itself to determine who shall win and who shall lose, turning what was supposed to be a friendly competition into a mud-slinging contest so unlike the way campaigns are usually conducted in America. And while this one liberal blog stomps around the Weblog Awards like a clumsy giant, the other major liberal blogs remain pathetically silent. Well, if they won't speak up, then I will: J'accuse, Wonkette!

Wonkette's original goal was to defeat The Confluence, which was winning in its category of Best Liberal Blog. The Confluence is a PUMA blog, which are blogs written by bitter and angry former Hillary Clinton supporters who are still getting used to the idea of having a black man in the White House. (PUMA either stands for "Party Unity My Ass" or "People Unable to Mitigate their Anger," depending on whom you ask.) Now I understand that there are many people who disagree with PUMAs, but haven't they suffered enough? Hillary lost and one day they are going to figure that out. I think we should give them a little time to adjust. Just as my grandmother learned to say "colored," they'll come around. And who knows, maybe Larry Johnson at No Quarter will find that "whitey" tape he seems to have mislaid, at least in time for the next election. Who will be laughing then?

But as Wonkette soared past the other blogs in its category, it became tipsy with power and began targeting other PUMA blogs in other categories and it didn't care who got hurt in the process. Soon other categories had its carpets dirtied by Wonkette's mud-splattered wretches. In Best New Blog, the Wonketeers randomly selected a blog, ~synthesis~, which I must say is a very fine blog, and got their legions of readers, who apparently have a lot of time on their hands, to vote for it, in order to defeat UppityWoman08, but at the same time making it virtually impossible for other blogs to win. Can you imagine how these young blogs must have felt, still gaining their sea-legs in the blogosphere, happy to be recognized for their efforts with a nomination, only to have their hopes dashed and get a sad lesson in nasty blogospheric politics? My friend Blue Gal tells me, for example, that Grace the Spot, which I think is a Lebanese blog, is a very deserving blog in that category, and it was doing quite well until Wonkette struck. Grace is understandably not happy with what she called Wonkette's "spiteful shenanigans."

In Best Small Blog, by chance, Wonkette selected Rumproast, which happens to be a great blog that I have also endorsed, but does he really want to win that way? OK, maybe he does, but there are other fine blogs in that category who now don't even have a fighting chance, such as Woman Honor Thyself, who is on my blogroll and has always been very supportive and sweet to me though I know some of my liberal readers (yes, believe it or not, I do have a few!) might disagree with her politics, just as I disagree with theirs but tolerate them anyway because that's the kind of blogger I am.

Because, like Obama, I try to be friendly with those I disagree with, it is especially painful when bloggers I thought were my friends (in an Internet sort of way) send out their vast hordes to humiliate me and other bloggers who never did anything to deserve such treatment. Yes, even this modest blogger who has always considered Wonkette to be a friend of this blog, most recently when they contributed to my year-end roundup, has been a victim of their tactics. Et tu, Wonkette? When they endorsed Comics Curmudgeon, who seems to be nice enough, as Obama might say, though somewhat irascible, in the Best Humor Blog category just because he happens to write for them occasionally, it seemed like an eerie repeat of what happened last year. As I wrote to them, "You was my brother, Wonkette, you shoulda looked out for me a little bit. You broke my heart! Get the butter!" Sure, I regretted that last Brando movie reference as going over the line, but in my defense, I was angry and writing in haste.

I don't blame the bloggers of indeterminate sex at Wonkette for getting a little carried away and pushing around a few little blogs. I've been tempted to push around a few little blogs myself. And they must be feeling just a little embarrassed because they are now telling their minions to stop voting for them and vote for another liberal blog. So which one do they choose? Talking Points Memo, which hardly needs more recognition.

Even John Yon and John Bolton who once believed passionately in the Unitary Executive Theory of presidential power, are suddenly having second thoughts about whether it's a good idea to give so much power to one man, now that they have had about eight years to think about it. Wonkette needs to learn to wield its power with the same discretion that President Bush has shown. And someone has to speak up and say that in America voting is sacred and shouldn't be allowed to be hijacked by an unruly mob. Imagine if that happened in a Presidential election. I must say the reaction of the other major liberal blogs in Wonkette's category has been pitiful. But even if they are too wimpy to fight for themselves and have abdicated to Wonkette in their own category, why don't they use their vast powers of linkage to help other worthy blogs in other categories and demonstrate to Wonkette by example that power can also be used for good? Perhaps the problem is that some of them are really not that much different from Wonkette when it comes to power wielding.

Sadly, I don't have vast powers of linkage but nevertheless I will do what I can to get my lazy, apathetic, good-for-nothing readers to help out a few other blogs that would just like to emerge from this competition with a shred of their dignity intact. For a full slate of my endorsements go here, but please give the blogs below your special attention (as in my full slate of endorsements, if they contributed to my year-end roundup, links go to the post they considered to be their best of the year):

Best Hidden Gem: Pajama Pundit is doing well and is certainly deserving, but Zuky could use your help. Pajama Pundit is also competing in Best Political Coverage, where it is doing less well, as is Foreign Policy Watch and they could both use some votes.

Best Up and Coming Blog: Both Simply Left Behind and Connecting.the.Dots are good friends of this blog and both have been sadly left behind so far.

Best Midsize Blog: The Sideshow is way behind despite all that she has done for the blogosphere, you bunch of ingrates. And Scholars and Rogues deserves more votes as well.

Best Large Blog: Although several great blogs from my blogroll, including the incomparable Miss Cellania, are competing, skippy the bush kangaroo has done more for the blogosphere than any blog around and he is being trounced by Jammie Wearing Fool, who was quite rude to me when I so graciously linked to him.

Best Very Large Blog: Bitch Ph.D. is one of the few blogs I have endorsed who is actually winning so please send some votes her way so that I can claim it was all because of me.

Best Middle East or Africa: Informed Comment is in third place. C'mon.

Best UK Blog: Olly's Onions' vote total is in the two digits. I am embarrassed for all of you.

Best Technology Blog: Wetmachine deserves to make a dignified showing amidst the megablogs.

Best Video Blog: Hot Potato Mash is near the bottom despite having created all of these amazing videos.

Best Diarist: Are you going to allow Blue Girl to be Dooced?

Best Literature Blog: Diary of a Heretic, the only blogger in the category whose blog consists of her fiction, and Maud Newton are way behind a guy who writes science fiction. Is science fiction even literature?

Best Culture Blog: Barataria is second to last and I am hanging my head in shame.

Best Science Blog: Greg Laden is dead last. Now I am angry.

Best LGBT Blog: Susie Bright is holding up the rear, which would probably have a different meaning on her blog. Help her out.

Best Individual Blogger: Driftglass is in third place and needs a good push to get into first and Field Negro should be doing much better.

Best Liberal Blog: Shakesville has always been very kind about letting me crosspost there and expose its liberal readers to new ideas and Blue Gal has done yeoman's work for smaller blogs in the blogosphere. Both deserve to lose to Wonkette in style.

And, finally, because miracles do happen, vote for Jon Swift here.

Update: Wonkette has now endorsed this modest blog in a fiendishly clever attempt to subvert my righteous indignation.

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49 comments:

Anonymous said...

Jon, I've told, nay commanded my readers to vote for you.

However, as my blog is up for 'hidden gem', my message may not have the influence that my ego would enjoy.

And yes, as you pointed out, my competition in 'best political coverage' is not going well. Nate Silver is simply crushing everyone in the category.

You appraisals in each category are spot on and I hope everyone gets what they deserve (that sounds a bit on the vengeful side, no?).

Best of luck to you, you humorous blogger you!

Unknown said...

Jon, it ain't over yet. Your kind words aiding my fiction blog may lead to chagrin from here to Las Vegas. I'm banking on it (for what my bank's worth right now.)
And never fear: no fiction-lover is gonna pass on Modest Jon Swift, especially since you're famous for not reading all non-fiction.

J. said...

No one likes a whiner, Jon.

Besides, as everyone knows, the Weblog Awards are heavily influenced if not entirely controlled by that Commie Pinko (or Greeno) organization Technorati. "Authority"? Puh-lease. Be a man -- better yet, be a Conservative man and stick with and accept, nay applaud, the status quo.

Btw, I hear those other humor bloggers are paying for votes or offering in-post links. What have you done for us poor little bloggers lately?

WomanHonorThyself said...

I rallies my troops but unlike some of the lib bloggers I'm not using the whole facebook network and pple who don't even read blogs to come vote...to heck with contests Jon..YOU have your own inner approval..Youre a stand up guy and I luvs ya!!!!

Sam Thornton said...

As you know, Comrades, there is more than one way to skin a bourgeois, especially if you have access to more than one computer.

If one is in a cubicle farm, consider how one could multiply one's voting impact by the simple expedient of pulling the fire alarm, then when people are outside, going from cubicle to cubicle to cast another vote for Jon.

If enough people do this daily we have a landslide.

Technically, this might be a misdemeanor or a felony so be prepared to do some jail time for the cause. Also, job loss is a possibility unless the owner is your dad.

Carl said...

Mr Swift,

I am stunned, STUNNED, by the poor performances your myriad readers have put forth so far!

They ought to be ashamed of themselves for not voting for you!

Or me! My faux liberal blog, Simply Left Behind, a parody of those bleeding hearts who claim that life is unfair and that everyone deserves an equal chance at the brass ring, is actually LOSING to two run-of-the-mill conservative blogs!

Indeed! Such quality of parody is hard to find, as you and I have discussed on any number of occasions. Even you, sir, have tried to parody liberal thought from time to time and the enormous effort took such a toll on you, you stopped posting for months!

I do this on a daily basis and only 200 people appreciate it????

But you, sir, your loss is catastrophic and your readers ought to be deeply deeply ashamed of letting you down.

This is NOT your fault, sir. You are good enough, you are smart enough and dammit! People like you!

It's everyone else's fault and the only way your readers can make it up to you is to go vote and drag five of their friends to vote for you as well!

And me. They should all click the link above after voting for you and vote for Simply Left Behind.

That's Simply Left Behind, as in "What do you get when your right butt cheek is shot off by Dick Cheney?"

Vote for Simply Left Behind in the Weblog Awards

But only after voting for Sir Swift.

Anonymous said...

merci buckets for the shout. we must all band together to defeat that pesky wonkette. i bet they eat kittens smothered with ketchup for breakfast.

xoxo,
grace chu
gracethespot.com

Julian Meteor said...

I just shouted "VOTE JON SWIFT" as loudly as I could.

yellojkt said...

You, good sir, may take some consolation in the fact that despite two of my favorite blogs endorsing Mattress Police, I have awarded you with the Good Sportsmanship Prize for heartily endorsing a wide variety of blogs loyal to you at what is apparently no benefit to yourself.

I suggest you hire some ruffians to disrupt the ballot counting process so that the Supreme Court can remedy this injustice as is their traditional duty.

virtualredhead said...

Anon: With ketchup? Well that's gross.

Also, Urbzen.com is a good new blog, if you're into that sort of thing.

Anonymous said...

Wonkette is filled with UNEMPLOYED COMMUNITY ORGANIZERS.

No really they just have more fans and drawing power.

Anonymous said...

Jon,

I love you (in a man hug kind of way) but you disappoint me. You have poked a bit of fun at the Pumas, don't you realize that this is our new base? There are 18 million cracks on that glass ceiling now trying to make their voices heard.

Those Pumas have attacked Wonkette with all their might, do you want them to attack you too?

For the love of God, man, please don't make them mad at you. They will bring you down.

Do you remember what it was like when you were 5 years old and your mother was potty training you? How she could rain down terror when you made that little oopsy? These women are like that Jon, and if you know what's best, you will leave them alone. The carnage and Wonkette horrible right now due to these women.

Please listen to reason.

-billybobgraham

Anonymous said...

Jon, this whole mess could have been avoided if some joker had put you in the conservative category. I don't think you're funny at all. As a conservative thinker, you are Number 1

Bruno

Anonymous said...

BTW, If it weren't for Jim Newell publishing your review of other blogs up for this award, I would have never heard of you! But I assure you you have received many, many votes from me this week. Don't be too mad, we now can we secret boyfriends, the the good healthy non-gay way

Borat

James Higham said...

Jon, you're now in second place.

Anonymous said...

Are you kidding? The puma persecution has only just begun...

puma hate and anti-semitism… »

By American Girl in Italy

*************************************

Is puma the new jew - a people persecuted for their beliefs, and eventually for their failure to fall in line, and follow the chosen one?

http://www.noquarterusa.net/blog/2009/01/08/puma-hate-and-anti-semitism/

Dinosaur Trader said...

If the Weblog Awards broke the vote down blogographically, I'd be shocked if you weren't taking at least 95% of all votes emanating from the third-tier of the stock blogosphere.

Apparently, this is not enough.

Off to spam my ex-girlfriends and current enemies... developing...

-DT

Slywy said...

Wonkette . . . three letters for it. Zzz.

anabella said...

whining is always unattractive, maybe even especially when it's posited as being somewhat tongue in cheek and yet is clearly heartfelt...

epic fail, indeed...

Unknown said...

Jon, you're pulling ahead, like Seabiscuit!
And don't forget, there's always the Supreme Court in the event of a close race.

Anonymous said...

Jon, I want you to know that I have been voting for you since you visited my blog and told me that they did this to your blog too. Their pick of my 'competition" was also a blog with no comments on it except a nice message from the wonketts telling him he will be the winner. I know you are angry. I was at first too. But you know what Jon? In the end you still have the better blog and the following. And no, one should NEVER just give up.

I actually now have a friendship with two of the bloggers in my category who were horrified. But to me this all just looks like a revisit to the Democratic Caucuses.


It's clear that you have the best blog in your category and guess what? They know it too. Think of it this way. If you weren't doing a good job they wouldn't have to work on defeating you.

Be well.

Micgar said...

I'm voting for you Jon. Just now, you were in 2nd place (and hopefully gaining!)

Julian Meteor said...

Jon,

Do you get much LADY asction?
I imagine you get a LOT!!! lmao

Like me!!!!

Hope you win, you big hunk!!!!! ROFL

Miss Cellania said...

At least you are ahead of YesButNoButYes -a blog I actually get paid for writing for. We're setting up bets for how bad we'll be beaten!

http://www.yesbutnobutyes.com/archives/2009/01/uh_can_i_use_a.html

nanc said...

okay - on the advice of angel at woman honor thyself, i've perused your blog, voted for you at weblog and have linked to you at one of my blogs, now, where's my hush money?

Anonymous said...

Hang your head in shame? For me? While I appreciate it, I wonder what I'll have to do.

Hey, cheer up - it's good to not be popular! You get to make fun of those who are. Heck, I'm making a small career out of it (assuming someone gives me money, that is).

Anonymous said...

Jon, thanks for the stunning summary of the early 2009 PUMA-hunt. Had wonkette not linked to you, I never would have discovered you! I'll be voting for you now (even though I like Fruhlinger).

If you want more traffic, just talk about buttsecks or trucknutz.

Anonymous said...

Brother Jon Swift

You'll have my endorsement on my award winning and highly-trafficked interblog very shortly.

Unfortunately, I'm in the middle of a complex interrgooglerogatory, to uncover key evidence of a plot by the liberal elite mainstream media to destroy the presidential candidacy of Rep. Tom Tancredo, and therefore, quite possibly, our Holy Christian way of life in this country.

-RPTH
Award Winning Interblogger
(mulitple categories, multiple sanctions, multiple years)

Jon Swift said...

You get paid for writing, Miss Cellania?!

Thank you everyone for your very kind words. However, I'm not seeing a lot of movement on the vote totals for the other blogs I've endorsed. They really need your help so please vote for them.

yellojkt said...

Here I was ready to take credit for your miraculous resurgence only to find out that the Wonketteers have chosen to make yet another mockery of a well-intentioned internet attempt to blatantly cadge pageviews.

Anonymous said...

Perhaps you were losing because your humor blog isn't funny? Ridiculing PUMA's using tired old cliches is about as amusing as a "Bros before ho's" or "Sarah Palin is a c*nt" t-shirt. Then again, maybe you and your readers find sexism funny. If so, you elected the right guy, and ought to be pleased that he selected a fundamentalist pastor who feels that women ought never divorce their abusers to do the invocation at his inauguration. You must also be tickled pink by the fact that our new President's cabinet will be 3/4 male. Yeah, you Obama supporters are the real liberals, all right.

Anonymous said...

Yeah, you Obama supporters are the real liberals, all right.

Hey, be careful with that. Sarcasm's gateway humor.

Anonymous said...

Hi Jon,

Sorry. No vote.

You're just not very funny or humorous.

That one trick conservative pantomime pony gag has gotten a bit old, and most of the really funny things you do are plainly unintentional.

Other than that, you're in top form.


Good luck.

Anonymous said...

Jon,

You're a mensch, and I mean that in a most goyisch way. You really are what we North Caldwellians call a stand-up guy. And so I thank you for your endorsement, without which wetmachine might be failing even more epically than it now is failing, which is pretty epicly indeed.

I'm loving to death being in 7th place in "Best Technology Blog", a category which includes such heavyweights as my own wetmachine and "Geeks are Sexy", but not, um, er, Slashdot. Really, a poll for "best technology blog" that does not include slashdot as a nominee is like a poll for "most influential pop band of the 1960's" that does not include the Beatles.

However, their loss is my gain, and wetmachine is in 6th or 7th place, not bad at all, and happy to be here.

After you've won your category and have been thereby promoted to World Ruler, please don't forget us small fry.

slag said...

Typical conservative victimology rears its ugly head.

I, for one, welcome our new snarky feline overlords. And as an added bonus, Jon, Wonkette's vigilant reminders have resulted in my voting for you every day.

In other words, every time a PUMA gets spat on, an angel gets its blog award vote. And in this case, you're that angel, Jon Swift. You.

Off to vote for whomever the Pride tells me...

Miss Cellania said...

Yes, Jon, I get paid for writing on other people's blogs. That's what I do for a living now. Of course, MY site is non-profit. Not on purpose.

Susie Bright said...

Jonny Bonny,

I am very touched by your torch-bearing! This whole contest is only made bearable by your ripsnorting columns.

I have not whipped my readers into voting, because my nomination in LGBT is... like, these people don't even read my blog. It can't be because I'm "bisexual." Most of the nominated bloggers in every category would fit that description.

Their little pink ghetto isn't a sexual politics category, it's not a feminist category, I don't know what it is. All my "competition" is good, but they're not comparable. I think this is what "tokenistic throwaway" is supposed to feel like.

I don't know if you were being sarcastic about the process of this voting gig, but that's another part that wears me out. Go every day and press a million buttons... GMAFB!

But I went and did it for you. I just want you to know your annotated blog round up was more germane and insightful than their whole contest put together.

Marc said...

Awe, I have to admit, I missed this too.

I was away, in the east.
I also did not receive a voting notice at my West Palm Beach address.

Let's get a recount.

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The 2008 Weblog Awards

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