Thursday, December 29, 2005

2005: A Triumphal Year for President Bush and America

President Bush - and America - had another great year in 2005. Here were some of this year's most important events:

January 20 - President Bush inaugurated. Costing an estimated $40 million, Americans are awed by the pageantry, which includes a military gala to salute the soldiers in Iraq who unfortunately couldn’t be there in person. The events also included a salute to American authors hosted by Laura Bush, who recounted with affection all the wonderful books she summarizes for the President.

February 2 – Bush gives a State of the Union message completely devoid of false information based on bad intelligence. The speech is interrupted by applause 66 times, and he gets 44 standing ovations.

March 20 – President Bush cuts off his vacation and rushes from Crawford, Texas, to Washington to save the life of Terry Schiavo, proving that defending life is even more important to him than personal leisure activities. Despite the President’s efforts and Dr. Bill Frist’s upbeat diagnosis, Schiavo dies 11 days later.

April 22 – Officers are cleared in Abu Ghraib scandal confirming that the mistreatment of Iraqi prisoners was the fault of a few bad apples who got a little rambunctious.

April 24 – Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger becomes Pope Benedict XVI, having long since put behind him such youthful indiscretions as joining Hitler Youth.

May 16 – Marking a triumph in the first President Bush’s first war in Iraq, women get the right to vote in Kuwait.

May 31 – Mark Felt reveals that he was Deep Throat deflecting, at least for now, suspicion that he was Robert Novak’s source in the Valerie Plame affair.

June 13 – After Vice President Cheney expresses no reservations that it might harm national security, the Senate passes a resolution declaring that lynching is wrong.

July 7 – In one of the very few terrorist attacks this year, bombs explode on the London subway.

July 19 – Bush nominates John Roberts to the Supreme Court. Although Roberts has written very little on constitutional issues, people who have talked to him at parties think he is very smart.

August 6 – Cindy Sheehan begins her vigil at Bush’s Crawford ranch, ironically putting our soldiers in danger by increasing the risk that a President who has not gotten enough rest and relaxation during his vacation might make mistakes due to exhaustion.

August 29 – The liberal media blames Bush for failing to stop Hurricane Katrina.

August 30 – Poverty in the United States rises only .2 %, a larger rise no doubt prevented by Bush’s tax cuts.

September 3 – Chief Justice William Rehnquist, who will best be remembered for saving the nation from election chaos in 2000 and for designing the really cool gold bars on his gown, dies.

October 3 – Bush, apparently under pressure from his wife picks a woman to be on the Supreme Court, even though the court already has a woman on it.

October 24 – Bush appoints someone he barely knows to succeed Alan Greenspan as head of the Federal Reserve Board.

October 28 – Special Prosecutor Patrick Fitzgerald clears Scooter Libby of serious charges though he indicts him on a technicality.

October 31 – Bush changes his mind and picks a man for the Supreme Court.

December 15 – Iraq holds elections and in a triumph of democracy the people vote to replace Saddam Hussein’s atheist regime with a religious one, proving that our soldiers did not die in vain.

December 15 – Bush embraces Senator McCain’s bill and comes out against torture, except when necessary.

December 15 – The liberal New York Times irresponsibly reveals that the NSA has been spying on Americans, who shouldn’t have anything to worry about if they didn’t do anything wrong.

December 19 – Bush’s approval ratings soar to almost 50 percent.

December 25 – Christmas comes off without a hitch despite liberals’ attempts to stop it.


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