Swift Reads 4: Weblog Awards Discoveries

Some, like Pia Zadora and Milli Vanilli, achieve recognition in their lifetimes, while others, like President Bush and, apparently, this modest blogger, will only be judged by history when "we'll all be dead." But as I come to terms with the likelihood of being a three-time Weblog Award loser, I prefer to think of the positive aspects of this emotionally wrenching experience: the new readers who graced my blog with their presence and the new blogs I discovered.

Although I am grateful for every one of the new readers who visited this blog in the last week, I am especially surprised and delighted with one new reader in particular who finally decided to drop in. For years she adamantly refused to read my blog or even mention my pseudonym even as she said the most scurrilous things about me. I'm not sure why she resisted coming here for so long unless it was because she was afraid that my writing was so persuasive and reasonable it would shake the very foundations of her carefully constructed world view and set off a dangerous logic loop in her brain that would cause it to short circuit. For many years she remained steadfast in her refusal to let one word of my prose sully the purity of her thoughts. But perhaps the evenings in Madison, Wisconsin, are particularly cold and lonely this time of year and perhaps she had had one too many glasses of wine by 5:30 p.m. on January 8, 2009. And so that evening, as a bitter wind howled outside her window, she checked her Sitemeter to see how many visitors Instapundit had sent her that day and saw yet another link from my site, just sitting there enticingly, beckoning, whispering, "Click me. Click me." Imagine the inner turmoil she experienced as she tried with all her might to resist clicking on the link. Must. Not. Read. Jon. Swift. Then her will power failed her and she could no longer resist, and throwing all caution to the wind, she finally succumbed and clicked that fateful link that whisked her away to my blog. And soon she was reading, feeling that first rush as my prose entered her veins. Who knew it could be so good, she said to herself as one by one the words swept away the cobwebs and the dust in the attic of her cranium, cluttered with crazy theories about breast-bearing feminists, the plots of unfinished books that bored her, deep insights into American Idol episodes and even that dark corner where Bill Clinton waits, crouched lasciviously, ready to betray her all over again. And imagine that moment when her giddy anticipation was finally fulfilled and she came to the first mention of her name, right there, right there in black and light brown, her name in all its glory!: Ann Althouse. So welcome to my modest blog, Ms. Althouse. I wish you had told me you were coming and I would have tidied up the place a bit. I hope you finally found what you were looking for.

But while it was exciting to have Ms. Althouse finally drop by after so many years, it was even more thrilling to discover so many wonderful blogs I had never read before that were nominated for Weblog Awards. And so I thought I would share some of my discoveries with you. Please go and check them out. I hope you enjoy them as much as I did.

NuVision for a New Day
The diary of a lovely blind African-American woman who sees things others don't see. In this post she talks about being flirted with at a friend's birthday party and confesses, "I can be a little shallow at times when it comes to looks." By the way, are we still allowed to use the word "blind"?

Grace the Spot
A very witty blog that was an unfortunate casualty of the Wonkette juggernaut. Here she talks about the importance of being boring in a relationship. I'm beginning to suspect, however, I may have been mistaken about its being a Lebanese blog.

Army of Dude
A military blog by an Iraq veteran. In a recent five-part series, he tries to describe to those who haven't been there what it's like to hear, see, smell, touch and taste combat in Iraq.

F--- You, Penguin
Who knew that existential despair could be so irresistibly, so heart-breakingly cute?

Curious Expedition
A beautifully designed travelogue that describes such wonders as the remarkably bear-free forests of Carpathia and other places you are glad you've never been to.

Medium Large
The blog of a comic strip artist, who in the helpful animation in this post, explains "What Is Comedy?"

Ashin Mettacara
This Burmese blog has a lot of posts about people being sentenced to long prison terms there. Apparently, they are very tough on crime in Burma.

Blabbeando
I owe a big thanks to this blog, which provided me with the very useful information that plucking your eyebrows is a sign of homosexual tendencies, which has saved me from some possibly embarrassing misunderstandings.

Buckdog
Reading this Canadian blog I learned about subtle racist backlashes in Saskatchewan and that Canada actually has its own unique culture, something I was not aware of before.

Foodie at Fifteen (Now 16)
A food blog by a high school student who really should be spending less time in the kitchen fantasizing about pork bellies and more time playing video games like others his age.

Dr. Wizard's Advice for College Students
This blog explains the world in ways even a student on a rugby scholarship can understand. Here, for example, we learn why drugs are bad through illustrative metaphors.

Madam Miaow says…
Although this is a culture blog with a decidedly left-wing slant, the writer is from "across the pond," as she charmingly puts it, where they don't have as much access to fair and balanced media as we do, and she's not afraid to take on her fellow lefties on occasion.

And if that is not enough reading for you, then check out some of the other worthy blogs that were also nominated for Best Humor Blog (i am bossy, The Bloggess, YesButNoButYes, IMAO, Mattress Police, Mother May I Sleep With Treacher, The Comics Curmudgeon, My Mom is a Fob, and Boobs, Injuries and Dr Pepper), even though some of them could not resist dragging my pseudonym through the mud in their desperation to win. I forgive you all. And I even forgive you, Comics Curmudgeon, despite the fact that you took away my dream and crumpled it up like that piece of looseleaf notebook paper with the love poem to the cheerleader written on it, laughing tauntingly as you swept the long blonde hair from your face and tossed the wad of paper disgustedly into the garbage can.

Update: A coalition of two conservative blogs, who have apparently forgotten Ronald Reagan's Eleventh Commandment, is trying to wrest second place from me armed with an endorsement from The Corner. Don't let that happen. Show them that we conservatives have learned that negative campaigning doesn't work anymore. Vote for Jon Swift here.

Update 2: Ann Althouse responds by email, "That post was awfully needy. Not that I read more than the parts right around my name," and later taunts me on her site: "No wonder he's losing the Weblog Awards voting. Man up, Swift, you pussy."

Update 3: As voting winds to a close I try to impart some valuable lessons to my fellow conservatives: "If we learned anything from the last two elections, it’s that negative campaigning doesn’t work anymore. Conservatives need to come up with a positive vision for the future if we are going to win again, which is what I have tried to do. I think the voters see that my blog is about change and the future and not about just tearing my opponents down and that is why I appear to be trouncing you."

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