My Battle With CFS

I hope my loyal readers will forgive me if I get a little personal and reveal something very distressing that has happened to me lately. In the past few weeks, I have been feeling a profound sense of fatigue, an inexplicable emptiness. These feelings have been accompanied by crazy, almost hallucinatory thoughts, moments when I wondered if President Bush wasn't the greatest President who ever lived, if the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina and the War in Iraq could have been handled better and if immigration was being adequately dealt with like the emergency it has suddenly become. At first I thought it might have something to do with fluoride in the water, but switching to pure spring water failed to dissipate my ennui (if you'll excuse my French). Finally, I went to see a doctor and after a series of tests he was able to diagnose my malady. "I am very sorry to have to tell you this," he said looking down, avoiding my eyes. "You have Conservative Fatigue Syndrome."

I was devastated. I didn't know where to turn. I had no idea how I caught it since I have always surfed the Internet with the utmost care and updated my anti-virus software regularly. But soon I realized that I was not alone. My doctor, who specializes in treating conservative bloggers, gave me some links to the blogs of other conservatives who were suffering from the same ailment, where I could find some information and support. Although I was reluctant at first to reveal publicly that I was suffering from this disease since I already suffer enough of a stigma being a conservative in a society that treats me as a second-class citizen, I have decided to go public about my situation in the hope that I can help others.

I believe that Dr. Bruce Kesler of Democracy Project may have been the first to isolate this new disease in the lab. He likens it to Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, and believes it may be caused by bloggers being "worn down by defending difficult positions at the forefront of the battle against irredentist Democrats in Congress and their fifth-column in the media." The mystery psychoanalyst at ShrinkWrapped has also written about this disease and compares it to AIDS, except that conservatives are less reluctant to talk about it and it doesn't kill you. Neo-neocon states that it might have arisen because the "easy" part of the War on Terror is over now that Al Qaeda has been defeated and the mission in Iraq has finally been accomplished and he quotes Churchill's famous statement about it being the "beginning of the end of the middle of the end of the beginning of the end," or something like that. I suppose he means that in a way it's like the flu epidemic that suddenly struck after World War I was over, except that it doesn't kill you.

CFS, also known as "war blogger fatigue," seems to affect conservative bloggers in a variety different ways. The Anchoress complains of "disgust" that forced her to abandon blogging about politics until she had to recant a few days later when some people willfully misread her. Some bloggers, such as Mark Tapscott, Ed Morrissey and Steven Bainbridge have reacted by threatening to sit out the 2006 election, which may be a plan more of us conservatives should consider since it would really show them. Other bloggers seem to have caught a particularly virulent strain of the disease that seems to resemble the virus depicted in 28 Days Later, which causes them to cannibalize other bloggers and even the President like crazed zombies. That might explain the uncharacteristically strange behavior of the usually level-headed Michelle Malkin, PoliPundit, and La Shawn Barber, who has even called for Bush's impeachment.

Some liberal bloggers, who seem to be totally lacking the compassion that defines compassionate conservatives, are belittling our ailment. Just because our post-traumatic stress isn't caused by actual bombs going off around us doesn't make it any less debilitating. In fact, I think one cause of this illness may be the frustration many of us conservatives feel that we are not able to actually fight in the War in Iraq. Some conservatives who are unable to join the combat in Iraq directly have created a group of pro-war bloggers called the 101st Fighting Keyboardists, which features a chicken hawk on its emblem because, according to IMAO, "the chicken hawk kills and devours chickens and rats, and the anti-war crowd is really just a bunch of chickens and rats whom we must kill and devour." (A commenter points out that "chicken hawk" is also slang for "an older gay man who seeks out much younger men or boys for sex" but this commenter is no doubt a liberal.) I certainly would be in Iraq if I weren't suffering from this inconveniently located boil that disqualifies me from military service (coincidentally the same malady that kept Rush Limbaugh from fighting in Vietnam). But as Ben Ferguson explained so eloquently, supporting "the Yankees doesn't mean I wear their uniform." Ferguson knows that he has more important obligations than playing for the Yankees even though I am certain the Yankees would be very happy to have him.

For the first few weeks after the doctor delivered this devastating news, I must admit I felt a little sorry for myself. But then I read that the military is sending men with post-traumatic stress syndrome and other mental problems back into battle in Iraq after giving them anti-depressants, and I wondered if maybe we should return to battle, too. I've always loved that scene in Patton where General Patton slaps the soldier suffering from battle fatigue. Recently, I have begun to feel the sting on my cheek of my inner Patton giving me a good whack. After all, we are in the middle of a war and we need every able-bodied man at the keyboard (and women, too, but only in less stressful support positions out of the way of direct virtual combat since all women are now considered to be "pre-pregnant," according to the CDC).

Despite my suffering, I realize that my own needs must wait for another day because there are more blog posts to be written and more liberals to blame for all of our problems. Recently, I saw Animal House again and I felt my spirits rise when John Belushi rallies his fellow frat members in one memorable scene by asking, "Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor?" Well, it wasn't over when Iraq attacked the World Trade Center, either.

Jon Swift, Iraq, War on Terror, Terrorism, Conservative Fatigue Syndrome, Bush, CFS, War Bloggers, Conservative, Liberal, Michelle Malkin, La Shawn Barber, 101st Fighting Keyboardists, Ben Ferguson, Rush Limbaugh, 28 Days Later, Patton, Animal House, Churchill, Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome, PTSD, Immigration, CDC, Pre-Pregnant, Comedian Jenée: People are Idiots OTA #9, Beltway Traffic Jam, Carnival of Trackbacks LXIX, Kiko's House on CFS