Thursday, May 18, 2006

My Battle With CFS

I hope my loyal readers will forgive me if I get a little personal and reveal something very distressing that has happened to me lately. In the past few weeks, I have been feeling a profound sense of fatigue, an inexplicable emptiness. These feelings have been accompanied by crazy, almost hallucinatory thoughts, moments when I wondered if President Bush wasn't the greatest President who ever lived, if the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina and the War in Iraq could have been handled better and if immigration was being adequately dealt with like the emergency it has suddenly become. At first I thought it might have something to do with fluoride in the water, but switching to pure spring water failed to dissipate my ennui (if you'll excuse my French). Finally, I went to see a doctor and after a series of tests he was able to diagnose my malady. "I am very sorry to have to tell you this," he said looking down, avoiding my eyes. "You have Conservative Fatigue Syndrome."

I was devastated. I didn't know where to turn. I had no idea how I caught it since I have always surfed the Internet with the utmost care and updated my anti-virus software regularly. But soon I realized that I was not alone. My doctor, who specializes in treating conservative bloggers, gave me some links to the blogs of other conservatives who were suffering from the same ailment, where I could find some information and support. Although I was reluctant at first to reveal publicly that I was suffering from this disease since I already suffer enough of a stigma being a conservative in a society that treats me as a second-class citizen, I have decided to go public about my situation in the hope that I can help others.

I believe that Dr. Bruce Kesler of Democracy Project may have been the first to isolate this new disease in the lab. He likens it to Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, and believes it may be caused by bloggers being "worn down by defending difficult positions at the forefront of the battle against irredentist Democrats in Congress and their fifth-column in the media." The mystery psychoanalyst at ShrinkWrapped has also written about this disease and compares it to AIDS, except that conservatives are less reluctant to talk about it and it doesn't kill you. Neo-neocon states that it might have arisen because the "easy" part of the War on Terror is over now that Al Qaeda has been defeated and the mission in Iraq has finally been accomplished and he quotes Churchill's famous statement about it being the "beginning of the end of the middle of the end of the beginning of the end," or something like that. I suppose he means that in a way it's like the flu epidemic that suddenly struck after World War I was over, except that it doesn't kill you.

CFS, also known as "war blogger fatigue," seems to affect conservative bloggers in a variety different ways. The Anchoress complains of "disgust" that forced her to abandon blogging about politics until she had to recant a few days later when some people willfully misread her. Some bloggers, such as Mark Tapscott, Ed Morrissey and Steven Bainbridge have reacted by threatening to sit out the 2006 election, which may be a plan more of us conservatives should consider since it would really show them. Other bloggers seem to have caught a particularly virulent strain of the disease that seems to resemble the virus depicted in 28 Days Later, which causes them to cannibalize other bloggers and even the President like crazed zombies. That might explain the uncharacteristically strange behavior of the usually level-headed Michelle Malkin, PoliPundit, and La Shawn Barber, who has even called for Bush's impeachment.

Some liberal bloggers, who seem to be totally lacking the compassion that defines compassionate conservatives, are belittling our ailment. Just because our post-traumatic stress isn't caused by actual bombs going off around us doesn't make it any less debilitating. In fact, I think one cause of this illness may be the frustration many of us conservatives feel that we are not able to actually fight in the War in Iraq. Some conservatives who are unable to join the combat in Iraq directly have created a group of pro-war bloggers called the 101st Fighting Keyboardists, which features a chicken hawk on its emblem because, according to IMAO, "the chicken hawk kills and devours chickens and rats, and the anti-war crowd is really just a bunch of chickens and rats whom we must kill and devour." (A commenter points out that "chicken hawk" is also slang for "an older gay man who seeks out much younger men or boys for sex" but this commenter is no doubt a liberal.) I certainly would be in Iraq if I weren't suffering from this inconveniently located boil that disqualifies me from military service (coincidentally the same malady that kept Rush Limbaugh from fighting in Vietnam). But as Ben Ferguson explained so eloquently, supporting "the Yankees doesn't mean I wear their uniform." Ferguson knows that he has more important obligations than playing for the Yankees even though I am certain the Yankees would be very happy to have him.

For the first few weeks after the doctor delivered this devastating news, I must admit I felt a little sorry for myself. But then I read that the military is sending men with post-traumatic stress syndrome and other mental problems back into battle in Iraq after giving them anti-depressants, and I wondered if maybe we should return to battle, too. I've always loved that scene in Patton where General Patton slaps the soldier suffering from battle fatigue. Recently, I have begun to feel the sting on my cheek of my inner Patton giving me a good whack. After all, we are in the middle of a war and we need every able-bodied man at the keyboard (and women, too, but only in less stressful support positions out of the way of direct virtual combat since all women are now considered to be "pre-pregnant," according to the CDC).

Despite my suffering, I realize that my own needs must wait for another day because there are more blog posts to be written and more liberals to blame for all of our problems. Recently, I saw Animal House again and I felt my spirits rise when John Belushi rallies his fellow frat members in one memorable scene by asking, "Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor?" Well, it wasn't over when Iraq attacked the World Trade Center, either.

, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , Comedian Jenée: People are Idiots OTA #9, Beltway Traffic Jam, Carnival of Trackbacks LXIX, Kiko's House on CFS

22 comments:

BenMerc said...

I hate it when I actually read it all the way through (it must of been a good one) inevitability I end up thumbing through my dictionary at some point. But I could not agree more, when you are slipping in defense of those difficult positions…it is good to have an “inner Patton” to slap you back out of reality. Let’s face it, would you rather look at the world through liberal eyes for the rest of your life? I think not…A little CFS and an occasional slap from the “General” will do just fine.

Dr. Strangelove said...

"my inner Patton" sounds a little dirty, Jon :)

Blogenfreude said...

I think a little pure grain alcohol mixed in with the rainwater will clear your malady right up!

Jill said...

You lost me as soon as you described the hysterical bigot Michelle Malkin as "level-headed."

Candide's Notebooks said...

Jill... With all due respect to the HIPAA cops, it might help to take a little irony supplement with your folic acid in the morning. It makes Swiftian reading especially healthy in these monodimensional times.

InsaneDisabled said...

And I was always told my MCS meant Multiple Chemical Sensitivity! It's obvious in retrospect that it's Multiple Conservative Sensitivity -- after all, it hit around November of 2000. Well, the constant trembling is either rage or fear -- hard to tell at this stage -- and the memory loss is obviously a defense mechanism.
The depression and anxiety have pretty obvious causs, too. But I can't figure out where the acute muscular pain comes from -- unless it's from the Sisyphean labor of getting somebody to tell the truth.

BlondeSense Liz said...

You shouldn't have to worry about not being able to fight in the good war. That's why god created poor people, silly.

kassandra said...

So since I'm permanently pre-pregnant, does that mean I get to eat peanut butter-and-pickle sandwiches all the time? And I guess that I should let my boyfriend know that it doesn't matter how fat and unhealthy he gets, as this won't make the US look bad in international statistics. He'll be pleased to hear that - though if his stomach gets too large it might be hard, logistically, to produce the required quota of healthy babies all patriotic women ought to supply to their country. Though I suppose who cares really as they'll just end up as army fodder.

Martin said...

What with Fafblog AWOL and Anne Marie Cox taken leave, I have been desperate for a good laugh.

zenyenta said...

Mr. Swift, I only hope that your inner Patton prevails. We need your blog. It explains conservatives to the rest of us like no other.

advisorjim said...

I've found a treatment similar to 'the patch' for smokers. I added two new 'Support Our Troops' bumperstickers to the back of my H2 and felt better almost immediately! Be sure to get one with a cross cut out of the center of the ribbon, and one with "I Support Our Troops and Geroge W. Bush" written around the perimeter.

Don't worry! You'll get through this!

ehj2 said...

Visiting via Chris Clarke of Creek Running North.

Wow. I've been captured here for several hours reading post after post and laughing/crying my head off.

Well Done. Very well done.

Thank you.

/ehj2

nicolaepadigone said...

Mr. Swift,

as a generally moderate person, but one who in regards to Iraq took the opposite approach to that of Bush and his supporters, I feel for your position. I felt like the Dixie Chicks in March 2003 when I decried the beginning of that war, derided by war supporters (who claimed they were "compassionate" conservatives) as being anti-American, terrorist-loving, hippie liberal. I never understood the need for such derision, but alas, it was heaped with great glee by war supporters. I must say that I get the urge every now and then to heap it right back these days to those same war supporters, but I don't. Because it is a tragic situation. I wish to God that we had not gone into Iraq, because I knew it would not end well.

I'm not going to say, "I told you so," as that is childish, but I will say that I hope you all will take things a little slower in the future and think things out a little more clearly in the future in regards to starting wars. I have no problem supporting warfare, but it has to be right. The war in Iraq was not right, therein lies my lack of support.

Anonymous said...

you're a joke. bush is the same dim bulb he was when you guys elected him...he'll go down in history as a nation's penance for allowing clinton.

Stephanie said...

This is the funniest thing I have ever seen. The comments are funnier than the blog. For those of you readers who obviously don't know who Jonathan Swift was, try reading "A Modest Proposal"--it's classic literature that you probably were supposed to read in college, but got drunk instead. Oh, and grab a dictionary and look up the word "satire." If you still don't get it after all that,then I don't know what else to say, but "Are you sure you can't be persuaded to join the other side?"

Anonymous said...

Hilarious!

So the reason you didn't go fight them brown people in 'raq is cuz the boil on your ass is much better than the boil sitting on Rush's.

Now that's Rich!

After all, big ass boils are a "legitimate" chickenhawk approved excuse to let others die for one's firm "beliefs and values".

I'd be willing to bet that if I hid a million dollars under a specific rock in Iraq and told you it was yours for the taking, you'd most certainly find a way to get to Iraq ass boil or no.

Sniff, whimper, snivel, it's so hard to defend the indefensible, I've got CFS! Yeah, that's the ticket!

CFS? It should be NCCRS for NeoCons Can't Remember Shit.

Let me remind you of your many reasons and oh so convenient memes:

George W. Bush is a great guy to have a beer with.
George W. Bush is a Texan.
George Bush was a successful businessman.
Bush won Florida in 2000.
Losing by 2 million votes in 2000 is a mandate.
This administration will hold itself accountable.
Bush will restore honor and integrity to the White House.
Bush will make health insurance affordable for low-income families.
The Healthy Forests Initiative will help forests.
No Child Left Behind will help children.
The Clear Skies Initiative will reduce air pollution.
Republicans are compassionate conservatives.
It is executive privilege not to reveal the members of the energy task force.
Vice President Cheney no longer has ties with Halliburton.
Bush is not that familiar with Ken “Kenny Boy” Lay.
There is no global warming.
There is global warming, but humans aren't causing it.
If there is global warming, it's actually good for us.
Tax breaks for Hummers are good for the economy.
Tax cuts increase federal revenue.
The estate tax hurts family farms.
Privatizing Social Security will save Social Security.
Citizens will earn more money for retirement with “private accounts.”
Republican proposals to change Social Security are not plans to “privatize.”
They are not “private accounts,” they are “personal accounts.”
The budget deficit will be cut in half in four years.
The economy is doing great.
Nothing is more important in a time of war than cutting taxes.
No one could have anticipated airplanes flying into buildings.
We have removed the Taliban from Afghanistan.
Pat Tillman was killed by enemy fire.
They hate us for our freedom.
The creation of a department specializing in Domestic Security isn’t necessary.
Refusing to support the creation of a new Department of Homeland Security is anti-American.
The Patriot Act is needed to protect Americans.
Giving up some freedoms is necessary to defend freedom.
Anyone who leaks information will no longer be a part of this administration.
There can be no doubt that Saddam has reconstituted his WMD program.
Critics of the war are liberal, left-wing radicals.
Opposition to the war gives aid and comfort to the enemy.
Dissent is unpatriotic.
The Iraqis will welcome us with open arms and flowers.
It could take six days, six weeks - I doubt six months.
Several hundred thousand troops is wildly off the mark.
Yellow ribbon magnets on your car mean you support the troops.
Iraqi oil will pay for the war and the reconstruction.
US liability for the war shouldn’t be more than a billion dollars.
We know where the WMD are. They’re in the area around Baghdad and Tikrit and north, south, west and east somewhat.
Those trucks we found in Iraq were mobile biological weapons labs.
Iraq sent its WMDs to Syria.
Mission accomplished.

How's that freedom tastin' now that your children's children will be paying for your war against them brown evildoers? Now that your phone records, library records, voting records and medical records are all fair game for Big Bro to use against you without any oversight?

CFS...get used to it you neocon scumbags, the chickens are coming home to roost. And while you neoconservative types stand so firm and resolute, your family values chickenhawks are crapping on your bloviating head at this very moment.

phillip said...

Modestly funny.

Stephanie if that was the funniest thing you ever read I think you better put down the cup of "Look at all the rubes who don't get joke. Wheeee! Ain't I special!".

Personally, I'd rather get drunk on booze than grandiosity. But, hey, that's just me.

lo-fi said...

You think you have problems?
Last week I lost my taste for hot dogs. The love is all gone.

lo-fi said...

You know? I'm kinda getting the feeling that pizza is gonna move out soon, too.

I think I'm gonna start being real good to cheeseburger.

Assistant Village Idiot said...

Notice how liberals can't even visit without becoming insulting and condescending?

my word verification is axpsyd As "Ax PsyD," that would be cool.

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(Sorry to be a blogwhore on my first visit!!)

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