Why Do Conservatives Like Larry Craig Seem So Gay?

Thank goodness we live in a country where everyone is straight until proven gay beyond a shadow of a doubt. When Merv Griffin died recently most obituaries didn't mention rumors that he was gay. Most newspapers operate under strict rules of journalistic ethics that dictate that unless a person says they are gay or there is evidence of their homosexuality that would be admissible in a court of law, and sometimes not even then, they are presumed to be straight no matter how many people of the same sex claim to have slept with them.

The tragic saga of Idaho Senator Larry Craig is a perfect example of why journalists have this important rule. For months The Idaho Statesman investigated rumors that Craig was gay, but withheld publication of the article until he pleaded guilty to seeming to be gay, which apparently is a crime in Minnesota. According to the officer who arrested him in a restroom at the Minneapolis airport, Craig used gay "code" to signal that he wanted a sexual liaison, tapping his foot and fidgeting with his hands and touched the officer's foot with his foot, which Craig attributed to having a "wide stance." In Minneapolis one doesn't actually have to proposition someone to have sex in a bathroom to be arrested, one just has to give off certain signals that can be decoded according to a gay handbook the police have apparently obtained.

Of course, seeming to be gay is not the same as actually being gay, despite what the Minneapolis police department believes. In fact, the more one looks at the evidence that Craig seems to be gay, the more one can see that it is really just evidence of being conservative. There are many attributes of conservatism that seem really gay and unfortunately the more we deny that we are gay, the gayer we seem. This incident should put a chill in every conservative who has a "wide stance" or belongs to a barbershop quartet.

Rumors of Sen. Craig's homosexuality date back to 1982 when Craig denied sleeping with male pages even before anyone had accused him of doing so. "Persons who are unmarried as I am, by choice or by circumstance, have always been the subject of innuendos, gossip and false accusations," Craig said in his premature denial. "I think this is despicable." A month later, the page making the accusations recanted, but I'm sure Craig felt inoculated against any future accusations that he was gay by having a denial already out there. I wonder why more conservatives haven't made pre-emptive denials that they are gay--just in case.

Unfortunately, many conservatives are awkward and shy around women, which just fuels rumors that they are gay. That is why, for example, blogger Ace of Spades often seems so gay even though he is one of the most heterosexual unmarried bloggers on the Internet. Like many conservatives, Ace of Spades tries to overcompensate for these unfair perceptions by making a lot of anti-gay jokes. But sometimes his efforts to use light-hearted anti-gay humor to deflect these false impressions make him seem obsessed with homosexuality. And no matter how many times Dan Riehl tells us that he turned his back on his gay brother who died of AIDS or that he can't stop thinking about how homosexual acts disgust him whenever he sees Barney Frank on television, there are still people who will say that maybe he protests too much. It is a Catch-22 situation that many conservatives sadly get caught in.

Despite Craig's strong denial that he was in any way, shape or form gay, his marriage six months after denying he was gay, and his 100% anti-gay voting record in Congress, rumors nevertheless persisted. According to The Idaho Statesman story, one of his accusers claimed that Craig "cruised" him at an REI store in Boise. Craig had a logical explanation, of course. "Once again, I'm not gay, and I don't cruise, and I don't hit on men," he said. "I have no idea how he drew that conclusion. A smile? Here is one thing I do out in public: I make eye contact, I smile at people, they recognize me, they say, 'Oh, hi, Senator.' Or, 'Do I know you?' I don't go around anywhere hitting on men, and by God, if I did, I wouldn't do it in Boise, Idaho! Jiminy!" Conservatives are very friendly, open people, the kind of people who make eye contact for longer than some people might find comfortable, so it is easy to see how this could be misconstrued by a gay man looking for love from a kindly older man. Conservatives also often use words like "Jiminy!" which may sound gay to some people.

Craig's speech patterns do seem awfully gay, but Jim McClure, the man Craig succeeded in the Senate, offered a helpful explanation for that, too. "Larry's speech patterns are very precise," said McClure. "They're not what you expect from a rancher from Midvale. His speech patterns say, 'Hey, here's a guy who's a little different.' And he is, he's a little different. But that doesn't mean he's homosexual for heaven's sakes! You have to jump from prejudice to suspicion to I don't know what to give the rumors any credibility."

A lot of conservatives got picked on as children because they seemed "a little different." I don't know what kind of childhoods William Kristol, Jonah Goldberg and John Podhoretz had but I'm sure they got made fun of a lot by the other kids because kids can be cruel. Luckily, they all have very strong mothers who protected them. But being "a little different" or being close to one's mother does not make someone gay.

The Idaho Statesman article also dispensed with rumors that Craig was drummed out of the military for being gay. Craig is a staunch opponent of gays serving in the military, writing to a constituent just a month after the unfortunate incident in the Minneapolis airport, "The armed forces exist to wage war. It is unacceptable to risk the lives of American soldiers and sailors merely to accommodate the sexual lifestyles of certain individuals." Although Craig was honorably discharged from the military after only 20 months, it was not for being gay but for a "physical disqualification." Although conservatives are big supporters of sending other people into combat, many of us also have physical ailments that disqualify us from military service, which we would be happy to do if only we could. Of course, that doesn't make us gay.

You might think that with all the things conservatives say that seem really gay, but aren't, we would all be more sympathetic to Craig's plight. When conservatives gush about how macho Fred Thompson and President Bush are, we do sound a little bit like Village People fans. Some people could mistakenly view conservatives' passion for the bulging, oiled-up muscles on display in the movie 300 as homoerotic instead of merely intellectual admiration for the allegorical parallels with the War in Iraq.

But, in fact, many conservatives are now abandoning Craig, despite the fact that he denied, with biblical defiance, three times that he is gay in his press conference. Hugh Hewitt says that Craig should resign, even though he admits that he didn't call for David Vitter to resign, which has nothing to do with the fact that Vitter admitted to hiring female prostitutes, which makes him, thankfully, not gay, or that the Governor of Louisiana, unlike the Governor of Idaho, is a Democrat, but for some other reason that he can't quite put his finger on. Other conservatives, who reacted to activist Mike Rogers' outting of Craig before the November 2007 election with outrage, saying that it would be "irrelevant" even if true, have now had a change of heart. Apparently, 11/06 changed everything.

But I think my fellow conservatives should not be too quick to turn on Craig. If everyone who just seems gay is drummed out of the Republican party or the conservative movement anyone could be next. Every effete mama's boy with precise speech patterns, every hawk with a physical inability to perform military service, every unmarried man with an awkwardness around women, every admirer of Fred Thompson and President Bush who gushes over how manly they are, every aging adolescent fan of comic books, Star Trek, World of Warcraft, Star Wars action figures and the movie 300 will come under suspicion. If we start going after every conservative who seems kind of gay, the only conservatives left will be Fred Thompson, President Bush and Rudolph Giuliani. Well, maybe not Giuliani.

Update: Tucker Carlson demonstrates how easy it is for a conservative to seem really gay and not be gay at all.



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