Thursday, October 16, 2008

Please Help Joe the Plumber

As we face one of the worst economic crises in our history, Americans are wondering, What can we do to help Joe the Plumber? While Barack Obama showed he is out of touch during the last presidential debate by talking about health care, education, taxes, energy policy, 401ks, mortgages and other boring middle class issues most Americans don’t really care about, John McCain focused almost exclusively on the problems of Joe the Plumber. No matter what issue debate moderator Bob Scheiffer raised, McCain always brought it back to Joe the Plumber, and what a McCain presidency would do to make him richer.

Joe the Plumber (whose real name is Joe Wurzelbacher, which may be unpronounceable but at least sounds more American than Obama) came to the nation’s attention when Obama went traipsing through a suburban Ohio neighborhood whose residents breathed a sigh of relief when they realized he was just a presidential candidate and that they could unlock their doors and didn’t need to dial 911 after all. Joe went up to Obama and said, “I'm getting ready to buy a company that makes 250 to 280 thousand dollars a year. Your new tax plan is going to tax me more, isn't it?" It turns out that Joe the Plumber doesn't actually have an extra $250,000 yet, and would probably get a tax cut under Obama's plan, but Joe is a dreamer and he dreams that he will earn this money someday the good old-fashioned American way, by charging average Americans $100 an hour, including the time he has to wait around for his partner to get “special parts.”

Instead of telling Joe what he wanted to hear, which is what a politician experienced enough to be President would have done, Obama replied, "I’m gonna cut taxes a little bit more for the folks who are most in need and for the 5% of the folks who are doing very well – even though they’ve been working hard and I appreciate that – I just want to make sure they’re paying a little bit more in order to pay for those other tax cuts. . . . My attitude is that if the economy’s good for folks from the bottom up, it’s gonna be good for everybody. If you’ve got a plumbing business, you’re gonna be better off if you’ve got a whole bunch of customers who can afford to hire you, and right now everybody’s so pinched that business is bad for everybody and I think when you spread the wealth around, it’s good for everybody."

The most famous plumber in America said he was not happy with Obama’s answer, calling it "a tap dance...almost as good as Sammy Davis, Jr," referring to the only black entertainer he could think of off the top of his head. If he had been given more time to come up with an answer he might also have said Obama “moonwalked like Michael Jackson,” “crooned like Nat King Cole,” “tickled the ivories like Stevie Wonder,” “twisted like Chubby Checkers,” “blew his horn like Dizzy Gillespie,” “talked jive like Cab Calloway,” “gave up the funk like George Clinton,” “rapped like Tupac Shakur,” or “shuffled like Step’n Fetchit.” Joe also told Fox News that he thought Obama’s answer was a “socialist viewpoint.”

It turns out that Joe is right. The idea that the wealthy should pay more taxes than the less well off, which economists call a “progressive tax system,” was proposed by Karl Marx in The Communist Manifesto, and he got the idea from socialist economist Adam Smith, who is also not American.

Why should people who are too lazy to make $250,000 get a tax cut, as most of them will under Obama’s tax plan, while people like Joe (in his dreams) and Exxon-Mobile Corporation will be left out in the cold? McCain thinks that’s unfair. “Joe, I want to tell you, I’ll not only help that — you buy that business that you worked your whole life for and be able — and I’ll keep your taxes low and I’ll provide available and affordable health care for you and your employees,” said McCain.

McCain didn’t say how he would specifically help Joe the Plumber, whether he will earmark some of the money he intends to use to take bad mortgages off the hands of banks so their CEOs will get their Christmas bonuses this year and use it to buy Joe’s business, whether he will temporarily suspend his presidency and ask Congress to pass special legislation to bail out Joe or whether he will ask his wife for permission to dip into her fortune to lend Joe the money personally. But the choice for the American people is clear: They can vote for Obama and greedily line their pockets with the tax cut they would get under Obama’s plan or they can vote for McCain and help Joe the Plumber. And since Joe is apparently not registered to vote himself, he is going to need you to vote for him.

I think Americans are a generous people and I am sure they wouldn’t mind sacrificing a little to help out Joe the Plumber. Once McCain gets into office and makes sure Joe the Plumber has gotten all the help he needs, then we can move on to solve some of the other less pressing problems with the economy.

Carnivals: Carnival of Taxes

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44 comments:

kathleenmaher said...

I missed the debate, as usual. Is your report accurate? Oh, forgive me. I shouldn't doubt you. But still, what does the DIY electrician think?

J. said...

Thanks for reminding me to buy some Drano, Jon. (Hey, was that what McCain was sniffing before the debate? 'Cause Joe the Plumber's new best friend's eyes sure looked red. Or maybe McCain was just seeing red, like the red of Obama's tie.)

Ivan G. Shreve, Jr. said...

I czn certainly understand why Grandpa McCain is so anxious to befriend Joe the Plumber. When you own seven to eight houses, that's a lot of potential sinks and toilets backing up.

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Anonymous said...

kathleenmaher, may you be the first to say ...



"I missed the debate, as usual. Is your report accurate? Oh, forgive me. I shouldn't doubt you. But still, what does the DIY electrician think?

10/16/2008 6:40 AM"


Yours truly,

Noah Goldberg

ROTUS said...

I want to buy my own business and make a quarter million a year, too. But not if I have to pay more taxes. I'll just stick with my $40,000 a year job, working for that no good lousy bum so I don't have to pay extra.

Slywy said...

HOLLAND, Ohio - Joe the Plumber said Thursday he doesn't have a license and doesn't need one. Joe Wurzelbacher, better known as Joe the Plumber, the nickname Republican John McCain bestowed on him during Wednesday's presidential debate, said he works for a small plumbing company that does residential work. Because he works for someone else, he doesn't need a license, he said.

But the county Wurzelbacher and his employer live in, Lucas County, requires plumbers to have licenses. Neither Wurzelbacher nor his employer are licensed there, said Cheryl Schimming of Lucas County Building Regulations, which handles plumber licenses in parts of the county outside Toledo.

Hipple, Rev. Paul T. said...

I know I speak for Joe the Plumber when I say what we also really need from these candidates is durable reform of our sexual indecency with minors laws.

-RPTH

Anonymous said...

is he making his own clothing now too? Is this him? www.cafepress.com/downthedrain

bilo said...

There are more important people to help than Joe the Plumber, who is already rich. Stupid stuff. There are people, including me, that will never make how much he even currently earns. And it is not because we are LAZY to earn it. So why don't you shut your big mouth Jon Swift, huh? Maybe we just didn't have the opportunity to.

Bukko_in_Australia said...

Hair plugs -- tax credits for hair plugs. That would help Joe the Plumber tremendously. I am awaiting President-to-be McCaincerous' position paper on this vital issue. So is Hank Paulson.

Anonymous said...

"whose real name is Joe Wurzelbacher, which may be unpronounceable but at least sounds more American than Obama"

Jon swift, you are a real dumb ass!

ianam said...

"I czn certainly understand why Grandpa McCain is so anxious to befriend Joe the Plumber. When you own seven to eight houses, that's a lot of potential sinks and toilets backing up."


John and Cindy pay $217,000 /year for "domestic help" ... does that include plumbing?

"So why don't you shut your big mouth Jon Swift, huh?"

Uh, Bilo, get a clue ... it's called "satire". See, long ago there was this fellow named Jonathan Smith who wrote "A Modest Proposal" that was about eating babies, only he wasn't actually recommending eating babies, because his tongue had strayed into his cheek ...

Anonymous said...

Gad!

Yet more opportunity for levity provoked by the layered and convoluted subtleties of Jon Swift as he works his pantomime Republican:

First, a Non-Jonah Goldberg Anonymous obliviously objected...

" ' whose real name is Joe Wurzelbacher, which may be unpronounceable but at least sounds more American than Obama'

Jon swift, you are a real dumb ass! "



Then, a certain outraged bilo, cluelessly complained...

"There are more important people to help than Joe the Plumber, who is already rich. Stupid stuff. There are people, including me, that will never make how much he even currently earns. And it is not because we are LAZY to earn it. So why don't you shut your big mouth Jon Swift, huh? Maybe we just didn't have the opportunity to. "



All of which leaves us first to observe that lefty satire, even broad satire plainly intended to advance the interests of the left's client class, may be exceed their own limited abilities to even recognize it.


And second, to mirthfully ponder the implications of it all as we consider not their blind and misdirected outrage; but whether this class of persons on whose behalf Jon relentlessly advances his moral claims, would actually constitute a self-sustaining population if thrown back on their own moral, physical, and intellectual resources.

Jon, you are a secular saint to keep pets such as these.

Comrade Kevin said...

I'm sure Joe will have a career as the personal plumbing assistant to at least four of McCain's seven houses.

Mr Hepplewhite said...

"HOLLAND, Ohio - Joe the Plumber said Thursday he doesn't have a license and doesn't need one. Joe Wurzelbacher, better known as Joe the Plumber, the nickname Republican John McCain bestowed on him during Wednesday's presidential debate, said he works for a small plumbing company that does residential work. Because he works for someone else, he doesn't need a license, he said."

I know several unlicensed plumbers and every one of them is an illegal alien. So where does Joe the Mexican Plumber get off owning a $250,000 company when I'll bet he doesn't even pay taxes?

Bukko_in_Australia said...

Hepplewhite -- I think you're onto something, mate! Mexicanity could explain why "Joe" the Plumber shaves his head -- se we can't see that it's topped with inky-black Hispano-hair. My conservative Spidey-sense is tingling to alert me to a nefarious plot by Mexican plumbers that will influence the American election in the way that a flood of Polish plumbers did in the French elections several years back.

If McCaincerface granted "Joe" tax breaks to get hair plugs, I think we might start calling him "Jose the Plumber." Now I'm wondering about the SecTreas. "Henrico" Paulson, anyone? He seems intent on turning the U.S. economy into Mexico, after all.

Anonymous said...

This should teach people like Joe the Plumber to question the salvific plans and powers of the Anointed One, and to reach beyond his station without so much as a "by your leave" or proof of professional competency.



Thank Gaia there are disciples enough of our Gramscian Savior to slap down the unlicensed and unsocial impudence of such persons.

Our numbers are strong, our voice one; we are legion.

Anonymous said...

Since Joe isn't actually a plumber at all, I think he should go under his real name as Joe the McCain campaign plant. This guy came straight from central casting and all the McCain and Palin speeches were written before Obama ever laid eyes on him. Palin is so stupid she's still babbling on about Joe and I suppose she will until his RNC check clears.

gray nixon said...

I'm a great supporter of anybody with "The" as a middle name. Bob the Builder. Larry the Cable Guy. Cedric the Entertainer. Billy the Kid. Jack the Ripper. John The Insane Old McCain. Sarah The Mother of a Pregnant Teenager Palin.

Anonymous said...

Well, YOU'RE one to talk, with a faux name of "Nixon."

Maybe you could change it to "Nixon the Gray." Like "Gandalf the Gray" from "Lord of the Rings." You forgot him, dincha?

P.S. I am not related to the Killjoy Anonymous.

Bukko_in_Australia said...

Rev. Dr. Swift, if I may have the temerity to approach your august personage with a suggestion, (since your comment count has dropped off slightly from the numbers it reaches during one of your prolonged absences,) I'd like to hear your thoughts on a name for the coming global depression.

Barring miracles or massive cheating, (and it would probably require both) the Muslim terrorist Obama will become U.S. president and the world will fall into an economic collapse. Of course, the most important thing will be finding someone to blame for that.

The un-conservatives will be in control of spinning the message. That's why names matter, my friend. Because a good, conservative-friendly name for the inevitable implosion will help brand it in the minds of the unwashed liberal masses.

I've read commenters calling it "the Greater Depression" which sounds exciting, but politically neutral. My fear is that future events will be labeled "the Bush Depression" which would be terrible in legacy terms. Just because a conservative president has been in charge when the economic numbers went from black to red, and because the conservative philosophy of letting banks and rich people extend their unfettered wisdom to the nation's affairs has prevailed, that doesn't mean onrushing global calamity should get a name that reflects badly on them.

The good thing is that Demon-crats will be completely in charge of the U.S. government when unemployment, homelessness, hunger and possibly baby-eating, skyrocket. "The Democrat Depression" is catchy, but I'm afraid the billion-dollar corporations who own the socialist left-wing media might not go along with a label that blatant. "The Depression Caused by Devious Poor People Who Defrauded Banks Into Selling Unsound Collateralised Debt Obligations to Fiancial Institutions All Over the World" is accurate, but does not exactly roll off the tongue.

The time to act is swiftly, before a conservo-negative name is attached to the unfolding disaster. Internet savants have come up with immortal terms like "left blogtopia" that have become part of the Oxford English Dictionary. With your linguistic skills that have spanned the centuries, you could be the one to modestly propose a handle for the scandal.

Far be it from me, a lowly reader in a distant land, to tell you what to do. I am not worthy. But I'd love to see your thoughts on how to pin the fail on the Donkey.

James Higham said...

This Joe the Plumber biz has puzzled some of us across the ocean here. Thanks for the explanation.

joe jr. the plumber's son said...

I like to make poo poo in my pee pee

Anonymous said...

See, the McCain campaign is so inept that they can't even get their so called "a-couple-of-weeks-before-the-election" "October surprise" "dirty tricks" "Man-From-the-Neighborhood" plants right!

See, Hillary at least got it right in New Hampshire with those last minute "a-couple-of-days-before-the-election" "time-warp-from-the-70s" "way-too-obvious" "Iron-My-Shirt" "misogynists" at one of HER rallies to get all the over 50 Feminist Brigades all lined up like ducks.

It may be too late for this, but rather than have a Joe the Plumber stooge asking Obama questions, McCain should've had some "time-warp-from-the-60s" "way-too-obvious" "Weather Underground" "hippie freaks" at one of HIS rallies to get all the over 50 Silent Majority Brigades all lined up like ducks.

HE needed to spend time in William Ayers' living room.

Harley said...

Well said my friend. Keep up the good work.

-Harley

Erik said...

Are you telling me that no one gives a crap about Bob the Builder just because he's on PBS?

smallvoice said...

Dear Mr. Swift:

Allow me to applaud your timely and judicious suggestion: our future president, John Mc Cain, should definitely make Joe the Plumber his first priority after taking the oath.

As we all know, our nation could ill afford a president who scares away the multitude of potential $250,000.00 a year business owners, their pens hovering over the checkbook, poised to balance our budget, one sink at a time, as soon as we vote for the right man.

Men like Joe the Plumber, plugging leak after leak, give real meaning to the words 'trickle down': let us all give a hand to one of these true and deserving patriots.

Micgar said...

Is this Joe the Plumber character the plumber from the Ghosthunters show!?

Anonymous said...

Maybe Joe the Plumber could get ahead with some tips from G. Gordon the Plumber?

Aayla Security said...

I burst into tears after reading your piece...so true...so emotional...John McCain truly knows what matters most to our economy...*swoons*

Dr X said...

Joe-the-Plumber definitely struck a chord that resonates with my deepest concerns. I'm planning to expand my blog readership soon, to, oh say, 10 million readers a day. I expect to make $50,000-$100,000 per month from my advertising and I've been very concerned that I will have to pay more taxes than I do for my current blog that features no advertising and brings me no income. I've been losing sleep over my impending tax increase. Thank God for Joe and Senator McCain. They understand.

Anonymous said...

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