Don't Act, Don't Trill: Thespians in the Military

If you want to know why we have the best military in the world, you need look no further than the case of Sgt. Bleu Copas. Copas was a decorated Arabic language specialist in the Army stationed at the 82nd Airborne Division at Fort Bragg, N.C. After receiving a number of anonymous emails alleging that Copas was gay, his superiors launched an investigation. On December 2 of last year, Army interrogators, whose skills have been honed from years of extracting valuable information from terrorists, pummeled Copas with questions. They asked him if "he understood the military's policy on homosexuals, if he had any close acquaintances who were gay" and if he had "ever engaged in homosexual activity or conduct." Of course, the fact that he wanted to learn Arabic in the first place was already highly suspect and his alleged homosexuality alone would be incompatible with military service. But these factors were not the main reason for Copas's discharge. After interrogators had worn him down, they posed the question that would finally hammer the nail in the coffin of his military career: They asked "if he was involved in community theater. He answered affirmatively." Once investigators had confirmed their suspicions of Copas's thespianism, he was discharged from the military.

I must say I was shocked to learn that community theater actors have infiltrated our armed forces. It turns out that while he was serving in the military, unbeknownst to his superiors, Bleu Copas (whose name sounds like a stage name, which should have been a clue) had acted in three community theater musical productions: Ragtime, Children of Eden, and Beauty and the Beast. And apparently he has not reformed his theatrical ways since being drummed out of the military as he has just been cast as the male lead in a production of Bye, Bye Birdie. I don't know how many of you have seen a community theater production, but I can tell you from horrifying first-hand experience that community theater is not very good at all. The thought of one of our fighting men tromping around onstage with a bunch of amateur actors in front of slapped together plywood scenery singing wretched show tunes is just too horrible to imagine. I don't know how many other soldiers are currently involved in community theater but I think the Pentagon needs to launch a full-scale investigation immediately. If it turns out that there is a cabal of thespians in the military recruiting other soldiers to perform in sad little theaters across the country, it needs to be nipped in the bud as soon as possible for the safety of our country.

Recently, there have been misleading reports in the liberal media that the military was so desperate for recruits that it was lowering its standards to take just about anyone. They claim that the military has been recruiting skinheads (who seem to be perfectly good soldier material to me) and placing ads on the pornographic website MySpace. But I think this case demonstrates that are certain levels the military will not stoop to. Already the military has discharged 55 Arabic language specialists for being gay (who knew that Arabic was such a gay language?). Sure, it might make it a little more difficult for us to intercept enemy radio communications in Iraq and make interrogations of enemy soldiers a tad more time-consuming, but I think it would be a lot worse if we threw all of our American values out the door for the sake of expediency. What in fact are we fighting for if not our principles and values? Besides, I think our new interrogation methods render the language barrier a non-issue.

When Colin Powell crafted the "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy, he said he believed "it would be prejudicial to good order and discipline to try to integrate gays and lesbians in the current military structure." Powell knew from his own experience as one of the first African-Americans to rise through the ranks of the integrated Army that there are good kinds of integration and bad kinds of integration. He knew that the most important thing for a member of the military, as it is for a member of the Bush Administration, is to fit in and be perceived as a team player. Women have been let into the military as long as they are tough enough, but not too tough, if you know what I mean. And if someone is too gay to hide their sexuality from their superiors, then clearly they aren't right for the Army. But as long as gay people stay in the closet where they belong and don't do anything that would lead someone to send anonymous emails outting them, there is no reason they shouldn't be able to serve in the military. In fact, as male grooming practices evolve with the influence of Metrosexuals and Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, gay soldiers are finding it even easier to blend in.

But community theater players are different. You can spot them a mile away by the way they overemote, declaim too loudly and don't seem to know what to do with their hands. There is no way that such people can fit into our well-oiled military machine. Amateur actors are also easily prone to blackmail. All the enemy would have to do is offer one of them a lead in a local Iraqi production of Jesus Christ Superstar and he would be spilling our most guarded military secrets. I'm glad to see that the Pentagon has its priorities straight, so to speak, in keeping these bad actors out of the theater of battle.

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