Saturday, June 09, 2007

I Am Paris Hilton

At the end of the film Spartacus a Roman general stands before a great multitude of slaves captured after their failed rebellion and demands that their leader, Spartacus, identify himself to face execution. Spartacus steps forward and says, "I am Spartacus!" but then one by one the other slaves come forward as well and cry out, "I am Spartacus!" "No, I am Spartacus!" until everyone in the crowd is echoing his name.

In Los Angeles a judge ordered Paris Hilton to come before him and just like those Roman slaves in Spartacus, I, along with millions of Americans, cry out, "I am Paris Hilton!"

What has always made America different from other countries is that every citizen has an equal opportunity to become rich or, at least, to inherit great wealth. That is the American dream. That is why most Americans oppose high taxes for the wealthy and death taxes because they know that someday they might be well off themselves.

But the tragic saga of Paris Hilton has shattered that dream. How can we possibly have faith in the American system of justice when we see that despite having access to the best lawyers money can buy, Paris Hilton can be treated so cruelly? What hope do we have for the future when we see that even if we become a wealthy celebrity, we might still be subject to the harsh vagaries of the law.

First they came for Paris Hilton and I did not speak up because I was not Paris Hilton.

Well, I am speaking up now because I am Paris Hilton!

Who among us cannot imagine ourselves in Paris Hilton's Manolo Blahnik pumps? It does not stretch the imagination to see ourselves driving our Bentley to buy a cheeseburger late at night and getting pulled over for the second time in less than a year and charged with driving without a license after it was suspended for driving while intoxicated. There but for the grace of God, go I.

The judge in Paris Hilton's case, Michael Sauer, has declared class warfare. If our courts start treating rich and poor equally, what will be left to strive for? People will start believing that justice should just be given away for free. It will become yet another entitlement. When the haves become indistinguishable from the have-nots, we are all have-nots. On a level playing field no one can rise to the top because there is no top to rise to, just one long valley.

I am especially shocked at how some of my fellow conservatives have suddenly joined the ranks of class warriors. "Pardon me for injecting a little conservative thought into all of this, but I have very little sympathy for Ms. Hilton," said Ed Morrissey of Captain's Quarters, sounding more like a Bolshevik than a real conservative. "She has had all of the advantages possible in society, and has shown herself contemptuous to any sense of responsibility." Andrew Sullivan seems positively gleeful at her plight. "Whoever doesn't feel an ounce of pleasure at the sight of this mega-rich non-entity finally being treated with a modicum of justice has surely lost the capacity to feel anything," he says. Jules Crittenden gets it right when he says this is all about "class warfare" but then shockingly invokes the hoariest liberal clap-trap, writing, "Like the lefties like to say about murderers, rapists, etc., society made her what she is." There is something very wrong with the heart of conservatism today when the words of our greatest conservative thinkers are indistinguishable from those of Al Sharpton or a Marxist university professor. Even John Podhoretz seems more confused than usual.

As one of Podhoretz's readers tries in vain to point out, illegal aliens are treated better than Paris Hilton and they shouldn't have any rights at all. Her crack team of expensive lawyers has been reduced to the desperate legal ploy of filing a writ of habeas corpus, as if Paris Hilton were some kind of terrorist. Our system of justice is certainly broken when an American citizen has nothing left to turn to but this outdated legal maneuver, which I thought had been suspended. Habeas corpus literally means "have the body" and I don't need to point out the sad irony of such a phrase being invoked in Hilton's case. Meanwhile, one Paris Hilton fansite believes her civil rights have been violated and says that the judge may be in violation of the Americans With Disabilities Act for retaliating against her because she is "mentally upset."

To paraphrase Oscar Wilde on the death of Little Nell, one must have a heart of stone to read of the incarceration of little Paris Hilton without weeping. "Mom, Mom. It's not right," she cried when a judge ordered her back to jail to spend 45 harrowing days with people who can only afford public defenders. "And after all the money we spent," said Hilton's outraged mother at her sentencing. If this is the kind of society we live in, then we might as well all be making the minimum wage.

If this travesty of justice is allowed to stand, then someday it could be you or me. If Paris Hilton is just one of us, then someday we might all be Paris Hilton. That is why I step forward today and proudly proclaim, "I am Paris Hilton!"

Photo of Paris Hilton by Nick Ut, who took this picture 35 years ago to the day after he snapped this Pulitzer Prize-winning photo of a napalmed Vietnamese girl. If that isn't an example of the American Dream, I don't know what is.

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Bithead said...

Thanks for the link, John, but I think you misunderstand the point that was making about class. I must admit a certain amount of sympathy toward at Ed Morrisey's comments. Let's not get each other; the woman was convicted of a crime that were it you or I, we'd be stinking up a jail cell for a couple years. She got off with a 45 day pull, and still can't deal with it.

However that was not the point of my writing.

there's an old Russian saying, which suggests that everyone wants to be equal... with the rich.

So, my point was not so much a complaint about the rich having this and that or such and such and flooding it, as it was everyone else desiring it, and lacking that ability, living it might carry asleep through people such as Paris Hilton...

Similarly, virtuous people, living out their "me first" fantasies, via the same medium.

What I'm suggesting is that both of these situations may very well explain some of the fascination involved, and some of the support that she has gotten from the public despite the facts.

Anonymous said...

mullah cimoc say paris hilton the good and the courage. him not run away, but go to jail. this calld the charcter. she the beautifuyl and the natural and having so many baby in future to be good wife and mother. but lesbian ameriki and lesbian ameriki mans hating her for natural the beauty and normal liking the boy.

ameriki so wicked and hate the woman unless she killing the baby and liking the lesbian.

in waziristan this not happen. father him not allow anyone hurting him daughter. taking the "special measure". but ameriki so tame now. no respect for self.

in waziristan whole clan attacking this wicked judge and destroy, and also destry him entire family, to include even the second cousin. and burn with fire. and all grave of ancestor destroy and give bone for dog.

hypocrite liar ameriki say him "free" the womans but in true..ameriki woman the whore with LBT (low back tattoo) and hate husband.

so soon all ameriki need make freedom and destroy controlling of usa by masters in tel aviv through spy in white house and pentagon.

for him true and good info:

Amanda Marcotte said...

I swear to god, I did not defend her. She needs to rot in jail. I'm sort of flummoxed that anyone thought I did.

The post you linked was mostly supposed to be cheeky, but I guess for some reason it's not coming across that way.

leftist moron said...

"Free Tookie"!

Dick Durata said...

It is very refreshing, Jon, to find someone with the courage to defend the rich and privileged. Defending the poor and helpless is like welfare, an exercise in futility, an empty gesture that serves just to prop up the defender's sense of self-righteousness, and leaves the p & h right up the same creek and still without a paddle! If one needs to address the p & h at all, it should be restricted to your simple point, anyone can be rich, why not you?
Apart from declaring that I too am Paris Hilton, I think we need to propose a new tax cut, and name it after the lovely and talented Ms. Hilton (Free Paris Payback?). It should be tailored just for the richest and most privileged, so it can be something we all can aspire to.

Darryl said...

Someone pointed out to me thet you are a liberal in conservative clothing...sometimes....the earth mind may have lost focus....I thought I was responding to ideas, to meaning....and whADAYA KNOW? I STILL AM. I have the utmost respect for your writng. It's simply excellent, as well as the thought behind it...and I amd speaking for thought's sake. also, since i get regular emails from you now, i was fortunate enough to click one one of the many excellent links you provide and read your blog from Jan. on Books. So well done, i laughed so hard...oops, got to go. Work calls. Patient to do.


xtrouble said...

Once again a superb thought provoking piece that goes to show how modern day America has gone to the dogs.

At least the sheriff in charge had the right idea of how justice should treat poor Miss Hilton.

Obviously the judge is another self serving egotist, who thinks he can make a name for himself on the back of Miss Hilton's plight.

I bet he was a schoolyard bully, who has now been put in a position of power.

The thought that money and power would not influence the establishment would never occur here in England (The cash for honours inquiry confirms that). I'm pleased I live over here instead of in your morally repugnant vacuum.

I am Paris Hilton !

Derek said...

Give me a break and spare me the bull shit... I've really had enough.

She broke the law, not once or twice.. BUT 3 TIMES !!!

She got off easy the first 2 times with no REAL punishment.

Don't tell me that she didn't know her license was suspended because I've had mine suspended --- YOU KNOW WHEN IT'S BEEN SUSPENDED, If you choose to drive, then incompetent or just plain dumb.. I'm thinking both in this case.

Don't tell me she was punished to hard for her complete and utter disregard for the law either. For all those that say that Paris received a harsher sentence than she should have:
a) According to CA DUI vehicle law, which can be found here:
--- --- she should have received from 2 days to 6 months in jail for the initial offense.
b) She should be losing her license now for 3 years for violating a suspended license
c) She COULD have gotten anywhere from 10 days to a year for her DUI probation violation.

Shut the hell up, serve your dam time, and get off my cable because I don't wanna hear about it.

Scooter said...

No matter how she cuts it, Paris can never say she worked for the most powerful man in the free world. Eat your heart out, bitch.

I am,

I. Lewis Scooter Libby

Buck Batard said...

Glad to see you back blogging Jon. Don't ever leave us hanging like that again.

jackspratt said...

Hey Jon Swift, you are an excellent writer and f*cking hilarious. Every one of your columns has been great. Please keep up the good work.

Hawkins Dale said...

F*ck you, I am Paris Hilton!

Dick Durata said...

dale, or should I say, Paris, it's good to know that you have internet access in County. God Bless!

Phydeaux Speaks said...

It amazes me that some people whom I normally respect cannot see the truth in front of their faces.

Your post was, as always, brilliant!

Roger Ailes said...

I am Biggus Dickus!

Dick Durata said...

"I am Biggus Dickus!"

Dude! You are on my turf!

Oh, it's you roger, OK.

memi said...

What a shame such a good looking young millionaire is spending here next couple of weeks in jail....
But justice has been done!

Randy said...

Personally, it's the wise words and insight of commenters like derek above that keep me coming back here, time and again. Mr. Swift's own commentary is merely the icing on the cake.

That's my story, and I'm sticking to it, until the next time you take a multi-week break with no warning, you traitor to the conservative movement, you!

P.S. to Roger Ailes: Say hi to Incontinentia for me! And tell her the rash is clearing up now.

Jeremy Jacobs said...

I'm Paris Hilton!

Anonymous said...

I am Haris Pilton!

I mean I am Paris Hilton!

That's right, I am a sheltered, privileged individual who contributes little to society than to waste the wealth my forefathers strove to create.

Paris Hilton is a leech and in no way represents either rich or poor. She is a piece of fluff whose punishment is still too lenient.

Let this be a lesson to those who do not create wealth but waste it wantonly, and expect to be treated as deserving of pity or charity.

Daarxide said...

I feel like I'm Lindsey Lohan and Britney Spears too! Wonderful speech!

Dubya's Next Victim said...

I am Parris Island!

Dave Latchaw said...

I am Tinkerbell!

Anonymous said...

I want to point out that Paris Hilton DOES contribute to society, and apparently in a major way - she gives us "something to talk about", in the words of that great song made a hit by Bonnie Raitt

mistah charley, ph.d.

Bob said...

I read an article this morning which left me suspicious, wondering whether Paris Hilton’s incarceration hoopla is actually part of a brilliant publicity stunt orchestrated by her father and others in the Hilton Hotels empire.

Published Thursday in USA TODAY under the headline, Jailhouses rock as overnight lodging, the article opens with the question, "Is going to jail cool?" -- an obvious reference to Paris Hilton's headline-grabbing in-and-out stints at the Los Angeles County Jail. The answer to the question came in the form of a pithy piece introducing readers to a trendy new adventure known as jailhouse lodging.

I didn't make it past the article's lead paragraph before THE question popped into my mind:

Could it be that the Hilton family is planning to buy the Los Angeles County detention center known as the Twin Towers, rename it The Paris Hilton and convert it into a trendy new jailhouse hotel?

Certainly, it's not beyond anyone's imagination in today's "Top This!" environment that The Paris Hilton would serve as the flagship property of a new jail-house arm of the worldwide lodging chain.

The lockup's cafeteria could be converted into a chic night spot. The medical/psychiatric section could become a posh celebrity rehab center for folks like Britney Spears, Mel Gibson, Lindsay Lohan and other so-called "Hollywood stars" to get away from it all after having "one too many" in public. In reality, the possibilities for expansion are endless as cash-strapped city, county and state governments face growing prison populations that require new and improved facilities, the likes of which Hilton money could surely buy!

Keep your eyes on this one folks...and, remember, you read about it first at Bob McCarty Writes™.
Bob McCarty Writes™

jurassicpork said...

How can we be paying so much attention to Paris Hilton when there are so many other more important national issues, such as how The Sopranos will end tonight?

Priorities, people, priorities.

Palm Springs Savant said...

Jon- another GREAT POST. But your blog is always good.

For a bit of Paris humor, I wrote a fun post on my blog about Paris Hilton…stop by and check it out:

mishu said...

I'm Brian and so's my wife!

Not Saussure said...

Perhaps Ms Hilton's unfortunate experience will inspire her to go into the family business, perhaps supervising imaginative conversion projects like the Malmaison Oxford here in the UK.

I am Birmingham Travel Lodge!

And thank you for the link in the Blogpower Awards post. I've said I won't canvass for anyone, not even myself, but I wish you every success.

Anonymous said...

Congratulations, you've made the front page of Pajamas Media!

OutOfContext said...

I'd like to comment here, but the bouncer won't let me past the velvet rope.

Peach said...

ha ha

although I am just gob smacked at the amount of attention this chick has, says more about us for looking at the road kill right?

Doodle Bean said...

No, everybody! I am Paris Hilton!

MR.Bill said...

Well, I am the shadow of the waxwing slain....

Jaesoreal said...

I am Michael Jackson! Bring on the kids! (That was wrong)

Andrys said...

I am not Paris Hilton, she's making me say, because if I were, we'd be a schizophrenic mess in that little jail cell in which we pray every minute.

Palm Springs Savant said...

Hey Jon- I just posted another Paris Hilton parody on my blog. stop by and check it out:

Anonymous said...

^^ nice blog!! ^@^

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