Wednesday, June 27, 2007

Elizabeth Edwards Viciously Attacks Ann Coulter

Usually Chris Matthews' Hardball on MSNBC provides a welcome respite from the deterioration of political dialogue in this country. In recent weeks Matthews and his deferential commentators have discussed numerous topics that the liberal media patently ignores such as Fred Thompson's powerful musk and the frightening possibility that Hillary Clinton will paint the White House pink. So I was looking forward to spending a whole hour watching Matthews discuss the important issues of the day with Ann Coulter, who was promoting the paperback version of her book Godless, which is only 1,740 places behind Amazon's Number One non-fiction title A Tragic Legacy by Glenn Greenwald, who is not blonde or photogenic enough to appear on Matthews' show. Ann Coulter looked great despite her very cheap, Republican haircut and the fact that she apparently hadn't eaten in days.

But then Matthews played a terribly mean trick on Coulter, the beloved conservative pundit. It turns out he had agreed to let Elizabeth Edwards, the wife of Presidential candidate John Edwards, call in and confront Coulter without informing his guest beforehand. Coulter seemed shocked that Edwards even had a wife, since she had once called him a "faggot." Was her gaydar not working properly? she seemed to be wondering. Had all those men who had told her they were gay only done so to get her to leave them alone?

Sensing Coulter's vulnerability, Edwards then pounced, laying into Coulter for making personal attacks against her husband. Earlier that morning Coulter had said, "If I'm gonna say anything about John Edwards in the future, I'll just wish he had been killed in a terrorist assassination plot," which was a line she had probably worked on for months to prepare. By sandbagging Coulter like this, Matthews gave her no time to think of a witty put-down of Elizabeth Edwards, a cutting reference to Edwards' cancer perhaps, and Coulter looked off-balance. It was terribly unfair to Coulter.

Relentlessly, Edwards pressed on with her cruel assault: "I'm asking you politely to stop, to stop personal attacks."

"You're asking me to stop speaking? 'Stop writing your columns. Stop writing your books,'" Coulter asked incredulously. Clearly, Coulter's career would be over if she could no longer use personal attacks. What else would she do? It would be like asking Picasso to stop painting or asking Paris Hilton to stop doing whatever it is she does that makes her famous. Isn't it hypocritical to run a campaign that is supposedly based on helping people rise out of poverty, and then to turn around and attempt to impoverish Coulter?

But Edwards wasn't finished. She then laid into Coulter for her jokes about their son's death in a car accident. Coulter had hilariously claimed in a 2003 column that Edwards had a bumper sticker on his car that said "Ask me about my son's death in a horrific car accident." Apparently, Elizabeth Edwards is one of those humorless liberals who can't take a joke.

"I'm the mother of that boy who died," Edwards said. "My children participate -- these young people behind you are the age of my children. You're asking them to participate in a dialogue that is based on hatefulness and ugliness instead of on the issues, and I don't think that's serving them or this country very well."

As the audience erupted into applause, Coulter could only repeat herself. "The wife of a presidential candidate is asking me to stop speaking," she said. Couldn't Matthews have paused for a commercial at that point to allow Coulter to huddle with her joke writers? Instead, we were left to watch the depressing spectacle of Coulter sputtering one-liners she has used so many times before. Is there anything more tragic than an aging comedian in front of a hostile audience desperately rehashing old material?

What was supposed to be friendly hour-long interview to help Coulter sell books then devolved into a personal jihad against Coulter as Matthews asked her to justify remarks about other candidates such as referring to Hillary Clinton's "chubby legs," without even providing the context of that phrase, losing all of the subtle nuance that Coulter had worked so hard to craft.

It's really sad the way Elizabeth Edwards has debased our political dialogue by confronting pundits with their own words and threatening their livelihoods. If John Edwards is elected President, this will just give his wife a bigger platform to use the language of hate against political commentators like Coulter who are only trying to make a living. If Coulter is silenced then all we will have left is Jules Crittenden, who is neither pleasing to look at nor particularly funny. America would only have itself to blame.

If Elizabeth Edwards accomplished anything with her unfair ambush of the unfortunate Coulter, she revealed the true agenda of the Edwards campaign. They want to replace the Two Americas we have now of rich vs. poor, a division that has served this country nicely for more than 200 years, with a different Two Americas: unemployed conservative attack dogs vs. everyone else. That is not the kind of America I would like to live in.

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Mr. M said...

Can't that AWFUL Edwards woman see the TRUTH!? Coulter is everything that is RIGHT with the conservative movement today. She doesn't have to apologize because SHE'S RIGHT! People who are RIGHT don't have to apologize for it, of course.

sheesh, what's this country coming to?

*thanks for the link.

Nick Constant said...

Preaching to the Bizzarro World crowd:

Soverignty only for Nuke States!
No additional Nuke States allowed!

Sign loyalty agreement and stand by while America runs your supposedly sovereign country= For America= Good Folks!

Against America running your countries= Terrorists w no rights

Alcohol is good good good
Marijuana smokers= filthy vermin

Church= State

promote over-population

Stay warm- burn your furniture
Buy cheap at Walmart/China- burn your job

Jesus said- hate thy gook/nigger/slope/raghead/non Christian neighbor and God will justify your genocide and murder so that thy may livist like unto kings until very shortly all thy planet will be barren like moon.


Doodle Bean said...

Dear Mr. Swift,

Fear not! Even if the Elizabeth Edwardses of the world get their nefarious way, we will always have the corporations...

and their lobbyists, of course. Now I know that those lobbyists tend toward the unctous rather than the cutting, we shall be able to muster onward, I think...

I hope.

skippy said...

as always, thx 4 the link.

Hallq said...

You've been tagged by a blog meme.

Nathan said...

Christ, Crittenden is so dumb, he thinks you're on his side. Satire is wasted on the right wing.

Shimmy said...

Oh, please. Ann Coulter thinks about dead people when she's making love. She eats wild insects with her bare hands.

Libby Spencer said...

Wow. Thanks for the link Jon.

Anonymous said...

Why does Elizabeth Edwards hate free speech? She is obviously a terrorist who hates us for our freedom to go on low-rated cable TV shows and make jokes about presidential candidates being assassinated. Like THAT could ever happen in America!

It's a good thing the Breck Girl's wife will NEVER be in the White (NOT pink!) House. Why, if that happens, Mzzzzz. Edwards would probably make it illegal to tell ni**er jokes.

I said NI**ER jokes!

What's happening here? NI**ER NI**ER NI**ER!!!!! Sweet fu**ing Jesus Christ on a c**c* she's doing it already!

Miss Cellania said...

Poor Ann. Life is so unfair when you have to face people.

Anonymous said...

Ann is heinous, but giving Elizabeth Edwards a pass for creating controversy in order to have a new video clip to shill for donations ain't exactly classy, either.

Mustang Bobby said...

Paris Hilton dropped me a note to thank me from sparing her feelings.

Thanks for the link.

b. said...

Fantastic post .. that's how to treat'em

fairlane said...

It's about damn time someone sensible stood up for our rights. I applaud you sir. First they take away my right to burn a cross in someone's yard, which is an expression of my religious freedom, and now we can't make fun of dead children?

If this country was founded on one principle it was our fundamental right to mock people with dead children.

Whenever I read the "Federalist Papers" this is an issue that comes up time and time again. "England frowns on us for spitting on dead, murdered, butchered children. England is Fascist, and the King is the very manifestation of Oppression, Nay, I say to him. Nay. We shall mock the dead, we shall laugh at their funerals, and dance on their graves. We are America, and we are Free!"

God Save the Queen!

Stella said...

A magnificent satire, Mr. Swift. I could get started on TCW, but why?

Anonymous said...

Aww, Ann is just misunderstood! When she said that Edwards was asking her to stop writing and stop speaking, that's because Ann doesn't know how to speak or write unless she's spouting stupidity or hate. She can't help it!

Mr. M said...

Darn... wish I could continue in on the fun, but unfortunately, I've banned myself from talking about her.

Anonymous said...

That was Ann Coulter on Hardball? I thought it was Johnny Winter: Apologies Mr. Winter.

Vigilante said...

Why does MSNBC hate America?

Davebo said...

Well I certainly hope you are getting your annual physicals.

Jules is not likely to forget this jab when it's time to start discussing your eulogy.

PaminBB said...

It certainly is a disgrace that an attempt was made to hold Mz. Coulter accountable for her words. Why, the next thing you know, some one will suggest that P. Bush and VP. Cheney should be accountable for their past words and actions. The horror!

Anonymous said...

Jon, you rise unerringly and majestically to the wingnut chum like the great white shark in that big movie from way back. I wonder, does Ann swim in the nude off the Long Island shore? Not that she'd be much of a snack.

Batocchio said...

By sandbagging Coulter like this, Matthews gave her no time to think of a witty put-down of Elizabeth Edwards, a cutting reference to Edwards' cancer perhaps, and Coulter looked off-balance. It was terribly unfair to Coulter.


What was supposed to be friendly hour-long interview to help Coulter sell books then devolved into a personal jihad against Coulter as Matthews asked her to justify remarks about other candidates such as referring to Hillary Clinton's "chubby legs," without even providing the context of that phrase, losing all of the subtle nuance that Coulter had worked so hard to craft.

I think these two are my favorite passages, but it's tough to choose.

I wrote a piece on Coulter last year, and am overdue for another. Still, much hasn't changed. She can't abandon personal attacks because that's all she's got.

Happy Clam said...

you are so right. I can't believe that they let people like this hideous cancer spreader out in public...or that they are allowed to use phones.

you have to vote for Brownback to stop this noncense

fairlane said...

"Johnny Winter"

Damn I forgot all about him. I think she looks like Howard Stern.

Bukko_in_Australia said...

I can't WAIT for the first "Elizabeth Edwards breast cancer" joke to come out of Ann Coulter's mouth! It will serve that sympathy-seeking sob sister right.

It's not bad enough that the Edwards would use their supposed sorrow over their son's death as a reason to personally profit from suing corporations for little mistakes like making pool pumps that could suck a child's entrails out of her anus. Now she's using a harmless joke about favouring terrorists to assassinate U.S. politicians as a fund-raiser for her husband's campaign!

It would not surprise me one iota if Elizabeth Edwards stages a painful, drawn-out demise on the public stage as a ploy to push socialised medicine. The only question is whether she will choose to expire during the primary season or in late October 2008. Depends on how the voting goes, I suppose. The gall of people who are literally DYING to get into the White House!

Thankfully, that sort of cancer is not likely to afflict Coulter, with her small, perky breasts. Not for her, the icky, motherly femininity of Elizabeth Edwards. No, with her hipless figure, broad shoulders and Adam's Apple, Ann is the type of manly woman who appeals to conservative men who fantasise about having sex with other men, but can't allow themselves to admit it, so they think of her when they retire to the washroom with a bottle of lotion. Uhhh, not that I would know anything about that, of course.

Anonymous said...

One of your best, Master Swift.

Jaesoreal said...

The television studios look bad when they put poeple like Coulter on there. It makes it seem as if talent matter not a bit!

Jay said...

I just jumped onto this blog, without knowing any context, and man, you had me going for awhile. I was thinking "either this guy is making a joke, or he is a sociopath!" Hard to tell the difference in the blogoshere sometimes. Thanks for the great post. - jay

Don Thieme said...

Go, jonny, go! I love your satire.

Rick said...

I love the satire, but you have to admit the way edwards constantly talks about his son's death is really weired. Have you heard that story about how he got up on the slab at the mortuary with his son's dead body and promised to do good for the rest of his life. Apparently he never mentions this to anyone, yet Edwards creeped out John Kerry by telling him the story twice in a year.

Anonymous said...

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