Thursday, March 30, 2006

Everyone Hates the Christians

When I became a convert from Judaism to born-again Christianity after watching The Chronicles of Narnia, I thought things were going to get a lot easier for me. After all, Jews have historically been the most hated people on Earth. And while Jews are a minority in this country, 85% of Americans call themselves Christian. I thought I would be sort of like a black person who suddenly turns white or a gay person who suddenly turns straight (which apparently happens all the time according to my new Christian brothers). So I was very surprised to discover that in fact everyone hates the Christians! It turns out that there is a War on Christians being waged right now that no one told me about. So in addition to the War in Iraq, the War on Terror and the War on Christmas, I now have yet another war to worry about.

This week a conference was held in Washington to discuss this distressing development, called "War on Christians and the Values Voters in 2006," which was sponsored by Rick Scarborough, the author of Liberalism Kills Kids Dead. Apparently, persecution of Christians is going on right under our noses and the incidents recounted at the conference were truly chilling. For example, Ted Turner, who used to be the head of CNN but is now unemployed, I think, once criticized Christians a number of years ago. A Christian painter almost had one of his paintings thrown out of an art show, but didn't. And Tom Delay has been denied a gun permit because he is a Christian. Speaking about his upcoming corruption trial, Delay said, "Sides are being chosen, and the future of man hangs in the balance!"

Not to be outdone, Navy Lt. Gordon James Klingenschmitt compared himself to Abdur Rahman, the Afghani man who was almost executed for being a Christian. Although Klingenschmitt was not threatened with execution per se, he was given a very severe reprimand by the Navy for trying to proselytize non-Evangelical Christians. I can only assume that when the Navy issues a severe reprimand, they really mean business.

Some attendees also talked about how Christians are constantly under assault from the media. Many singled out MySpace.com, which is apparently a child pornography website, for criticism. I think the owner of this website, whoever he is, should be arrested and all of his businesses should be shut down immediately. Clearly, he is a menace and we should do whatever we can to bring him to justice.

Also speaking on the subject of the media was one of my former compadres, Don Feder, founder of Jews Against Anti-Christian Defamation. He warned the crowd not to blame the Jewish cabal that controls Hollywood and the media for anti-Christian messages because people like Barbra Streisand are not "real" Jews, but, in fact, self-hating Jews, unlike, say, him. Then Hudson Institute senior fellow Michael Horowitz, who graciously credited Christians with saving him from becoming a "bar of soap" during the Holocaust, revealed to the audience who the real Jews are: "You guys have become the Jews of the 21st century," he said, meaning born-again Christians. I must admit, though, I wonder if he didn't seem a bit too eager to hand off that crown. His speech was interrupted by a fire alarm that many suspected was the work of anti-Christian zealots, though no one could find actual proof that it was (which doesn't mean it wasn't).

Someone did go a bit far in this whole "Born-Again Christians are the New Jew" theme. One speaker, Herb Titus, believes in replacing the U.S. Constitution with Mosaic law, which I feel I must inform him, even most Jews don't particularly care for. The prohibitions against eating shellfish would leave thousands of Jewish seniors scrounging to find an alternative to the very tasty and economical Red Lobster specials and the mass executions of homosexuals would deprive us of some delightful showbiz personalities.

When I was a kid at Hebrew camp, I remember we used to sing a song by Tom Lehrer called "National Brotherhood Week" whose lyrics, in part, went like this: "Oh, the Protestants hate the Catholics/And the Catholics hate the Protestants/And the Hindus hate the Moslems/And everybody hates the Jews." I thought I had put those days behind me: the paranoia that another Holocaust was just around the corner and might be triggered by one false move on my part, the constant feeling that something I would do or say might be "too Jewish" and numerous times I got beat up by Christians for killing Christ. But at least I have learned a few things from being a hated minority that might help my newly despised Christian brethren. For example, if someone is beating you up, your sense of humor can be your greatest weapon. Make a joke and the person punching you will pause to laugh before he resumes pummeling you again. And no matter what happens in the world, even if it seems to have nothing to do with you whatsoever, always ask this question: "Is it good for the born-again Christians?"

, , , , , , , , , , , Bacon Break — Palm Sunday Weekend

22 comments:

Anonymous said...

I don't hate christians, Its the Romans that piss me off...A few more lions and all you crazy fucks would be ..well you wouldn't be...praise the lord

zenyenta said...

You know what might help? Some good old fashioned witch burnings might get the Christian base all fired up - so to speak. You should get started now, while Christians still hold some modicum of power - as in the three federal branches of government. Really, people will love it - gimme that old time religion and all that. And now that there's TV - the potential for new converts is unlimited.

BenMerc said...

Now just think how tough it is going to be on Jr. when he has his "Epiphany" and transitions from dumb to, well less dumb.

As far as the Christian thing, I always thought they never got a fair shake in "Holly-weird". And adding insult to injury, in my neighbor hood, well you can only find one church for every 2.7 families! I mean come on people, you call that freedom of religion?

Anonymous said...

"Swift" doesn't sound like your typical Jewish last name. I guess that's your Christian name. If Narnia affected you so profoundly...what would happen if you were to the movie "Crash"? And not the David Cronenberg version. Cronenberg ...Now that's a good Jewish sounding name.

Michelle said...

Thanks for writing this. It is indeed shocking the way the anti-christians go about living their lives in ways that make Christians upset to just think about! The Lord baby Jesus is up in Heaven weeping profusely this very moment. Something must be done about it!

Silver said...

It's just really great to see some plain speaking from a fellow FOX NEWS fan. By the way, I have a sneaking suspician that whoever owns this myspace abomination is probably knee deep in the anti-Christian conspiracy, a conspiracy which our friends at Fox have courageously exposed. Keep up the good work Jon!

blue girl said...

This is one excellent dang post! And I really hear ya.

I am so worried that the liberal heathens are going to get Easter cancelled this year. What would I do if I don't get my chocolate bunny?

(Good, good writing -- God must be watching over you...)

mlfcyw said...

Red Lobster has specials! How often? Where can I find out?

Ahistoricality said...

The difference between Jewish misery and Christian misery is that we Jews are, of course, responsible for our own misery which makes it more tolerable. We are responsible for everyone else's misery, too, naturally, but nobody likes to be imposed upon....

T.H.E.Probe said...

B-b-b-b-b-but....where do the Messianic Jews fit in? You know, the groups that claims they are still Jewish although they accept Jesus as their savior? Are they not just the same as the misguided former PETA people who formed Vegans for McDonalds?

The Truffle said...

Dude, I'm confused about something. All these Christians believe different things. The Catholics believe in the pope, the Protestants don't. The Eastern Orthodox Christians celebrate all their holidays a week late.

I thought of being an Episcopalian but that's almost like being Catholic except Episcopalians have abortions and the founder--Henry VIII--created the church so he could get a divorce. So now I'm lost. What kind of Christian should I be?

tracifish said...

Well...ummm...welcome to Christianity ... and God bless you! I'm happy to call you my brother in Christ and am thankful in a way that you now see how we are hated by the world...but also how blessed we are. I just blog-marked your site and look forward to visiting again...

I can't believe some of the comments you're getting...well actually I can...but it still continues to amaze me...all the hostillity! LOL...the truth hurts some people...(I know...I was once there...).

Thank you for writing this post...Please keep blogging!

tracifish said...

Oh no! I just reread this and realize now...you are being sarcastic...

I'm a little slow at times...

tracifish said...

Here is my link to your post:

http://tracifish.blogspot.com/2006/04/with-name-like-jon-swift.html

It's called:

'With a name like Jon Swift, I thought he was serious...'

Jon Swift's Dad said...

Mozeltov! i just finished reading the Da Vinci code and it said that the church is a lie and that Jesus really isn't the messiah! Those crazy goy! I can't wait for ANY book or movie to come out that debunks the basis of christianity, it makes me feel better about being in the minority. I'm glad, though, that they don't allow books and movies to come out which claim the holocaust never happened and that isreal isn't a real jewish state. Becase THAT would be wrong. I mean, christians just have to accept that they need to be picked on because other people feel inferior to them - especially the jews. we can't allow movies that tell the actual truth about Jesus...no, only ones that have an agenda that is completely antagonistic to theirs. See, it's only ok to be openly religious if you're jewish - or, MAYBE, if you're even more of a minority of gentiles in the US (and only because they aren't a threat to us yet). I also got beat up on the playground when i was a kid, so I too have an inferiority complex of grandiose proportions. I make it a point to rail against everything and everyone that represents anything i am not, and use the 1st amendment as my spine. It's perfectly acceptable and encouraged to go after christians even if we would have the ADL and the ACLU after anyone who did anything remotely like that to our people...and that's the true meaning of "tolerance" isn't it? you learned well jon-boy,my little nebekh.

Suldog said...

Just came in via a link from a carnival. The host of said carnival appears to have not gotten the joke, as he listed you as NOT FUNNY, with a comment along the lines of "... doesn't appear to have even attempted humor. Perhaps this was sent to the wrong carnival?"

Oh, my. I now don't feel so bad about my own post having been relegated to NOT FUNNY, BUT ENTERTAINING.

Anonymous said...

Eat shit.

kamakula said...

What kind of Christian should I be?

Go to a few services. Choose the one you like the most. BTW, your post clearly shows a few misconceptions about Christians and what faith means.

The bible says Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen The closest dictionary definition states that faith is a firm belief in something for which there is no proof.

There is no need to believe in the pope. Everyone knows he exists. There is no question or dispute about that. All Christians believe in the pope. I'd say likely do all Muslims, Hindus, or just about anyone who has heard of the pope. There is no belief or faith needed here. We ABSOLUTELY know the pope is real.

welterwill said...

wow, i'm a christian who watches both fox and msnbc.Fox usually has anchors who report things that are
crazy paranoid negative interpretations of positive news. Take any news they report against anybody and its always against democrats, and they never report all the big news about repubs being exposed for they're sinister schemes and trespasses.Thats not the christian way denying truth and preaching hate. The reason us christians are looked down upon is because since medievel times unspeakable evil has been commited
by people claiming to be christians. These days its been alot of republicans committing immoral crimes ,lying to the public, and preaching hate.Look for one solid case against what I just typed . Look for the facts and not the opinions of others.God bless you and I hope you find peace.

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