Everyone Hates the Christians

When I became a convert from Judaism to born-again Christianity after watching The Chronicles of Narnia, I thought things were going to get a lot easier for me. After all, Jews have historically been the most hated people on Earth. And while Jews are a minority in this country, 85% of Americans call themselves Christian. I thought I would be sort of like a black person who suddenly turns white or a gay person who suddenly turns straight (which apparently happens all the time according to my new Christian brothers). So I was very surprised to discover that in fact everyone hates the Christians! It turns out that there is a War on Christians being waged right now that no one told me about. So in addition to the War in Iraq, the War on Terror and the War on Christmas, I now have yet another war to worry about.

This week a conference was held in Washington to discuss this distressing development, called "War on Christians and the Values Voters in 2006," which was sponsored by Rick Scarborough, the author of Liberalism Kills Kids Dead. Apparently, persecution of Christians is going on right under our noses and the incidents recounted at the conference were truly chilling. For example, Ted Turner, who used to be the head of CNN but is now unemployed, I think, once criticized Christians a number of years ago. A Christian painter almost had one of his paintings thrown out of an art show, but didn't. And Tom Delay has been denied a gun permit because he is a Christian. Speaking about his upcoming corruption trial, Delay said, "Sides are being chosen, and the future of man hangs in the balance!"

Not to be outdone, Navy Lt. Gordon James Klingenschmitt compared himself to Abdur Rahman, the Afghani man who was almost executed for being a Christian. Although Klingenschmitt was not threatened with execution per se, he was given a very severe reprimand by the Navy for trying to proselytize non-Evangelical Christians. I can only assume that when the Navy issues a severe reprimand, they really mean business.

Some attendees also talked about how Christians are constantly under assault from the media. Many singled out MySpace.com, which is apparently a child pornography website, for criticism. I think the owner of this website, whoever he is, should be arrested and all of his businesses should be shut down immediately. Clearly, he is a menace and we should do whatever we can to bring him to justice.

Also speaking on the subject of the media was one of my former compadres, Don Feder, founder of Jews Against Anti-Christian Defamation. He warned the crowd not to blame the Jewish cabal that controls Hollywood and the media for anti-Christian messages because people like Barbra Streisand are not "real" Jews, but, in fact, self-hating Jews, unlike, say, him. Then Hudson Institute senior fellow Michael Horowitz, who graciously credited Christians with saving him from becoming a "bar of soap" during the Holocaust, revealed to the audience who the real Jews are: "You guys have become the Jews of the 21st century," he said, meaning born-again Christians. I must admit, though, I wonder if he didn't seem a bit too eager to hand off that crown. His speech was interrupted by a fire alarm that many suspected was the work of anti-Christian zealots, though no one could find actual proof that it was (which doesn't mean it wasn't).

Someone did go a bit far in this whole "Born-Again Christians are the New Jew" theme. One speaker, Herb Titus, believes in replacing the U.S. Constitution with Mosaic law, which I feel I must inform him, even most Jews don't particularly care for. The prohibitions against eating shellfish would leave thousands of Jewish seniors scrounging to find an alternative to the very tasty and economical Red Lobster specials and the mass executions of homosexuals would deprive us of some delightful showbiz personalities.

When I was a kid at Hebrew camp, I remember we used to sing a song by Tom Lehrer called "National Brotherhood Week" whose lyrics, in part, went like this: "Oh, the Protestants hate the Catholics/And the Catholics hate the Protestants/And the Hindus hate the Moslems/And everybody hates the Jews." I thought I had put those days behind me: the paranoia that another Holocaust was just around the corner and might be triggered by one false move on my part, the constant feeling that something I would do or say might be "too Jewish" and numerous times I got beat up by Christians for killing Christ. But at least I have learned a few things from being a hated minority that might help my newly despised Christian brethren. For example, if someone is beating you up, your sense of humor can be your greatest weapon. Make a joke and the person punching you will pause to laugh before he resumes pummeling you again. And no matter what happens in the world, even if it seems to have nothing to do with you whatsoever, always ask this question: "Is it good for the born-again Christians?"

Jon Swift, Chronicles of Narnia, Christianity, Politics, War on Christians, Tom Delay, MySpace, Tom Lehrer, Religion, Judaism, Christian Persecution, Bacon Break — Palm Sunday Weekend