Why McCain Will Win

The pundits have gotten everything wrong this election year, from prematurely writing John McCain’s political obituary to declaring Hillary Clinton the Democrat nominee to celebrating Fred Thompson as the second coming of Ronald Reagan. But none of these blunders compares to the egg they will be wearing on their faces when the election results roll in this Tuesday, and John McCain becomes the next President of the United States. I think most of the major demographic groups are going to break for McCain, but you don’t have to wait for the Wednesday morning quarterbacking to find out why this will happen because I’m going to tell you right now.

Young People Won’t Show Up To Vote Because They Are Lazy and Stupid

I don’t know who on Obama’s campaign had the bright idea to base their campaign strategy on a huge turnout of young people. Have they actually met any young people? Let’s face it, young people today are the least reliable, laziest, stupidest generation in our nation’s history. If we had known that baby boomers would end up spawning such spoiled, self-absorbed progeny, we would have had them all sterilized. Historically, young people don’t show up to vote, anyway, but this year promises to be even worse. Just as Obama Girl couldn’t manage to vote in the primary because she had to wash her hair or something, most young people won’t be able to summon up the energy to get out of bed or stop playing their video games long enough to show up and vote for Obama. I’d be surprised if these dimwits even know how voting works. On Election Day, I expect, millions of young people will be frantically texting their friends trying to find out the number of the Obama hotline to call to cast their vote. Unfortunately, these idiots are our future. I hope I die before they get old.

Jews, Like Horses, Are Easily Frightened

The McCain campaign has finally hit on a strategy that works: scaring the Jews. It’s a sure-fire strategy because jittery Jews are the most easily frightened people on earth. Boo! If you’re Jewish, you probably jumped just reading that last sentence. It really doesn’t take much. All you have to do is insinuate that somebody knows somebody who might possibly be anti-Semitic and Jews will stampede in the other direction. You don't really need any evidence. Jews have already done half the work themselves by sending around scary emails to each other about how Obama is bad for the Jews because he will destroy Israel the minute he is elected President. Nobody knows how to scare Jews better than other Jews. McCain spokesman Michael Goldfarb might have looked like a manipulative fear-monger and an ass to some people when he started stammering in a recent interview and couldn’t name all the anti-Semitic people he said Obama supposedly knows, but to other Jews Goldfarb looked like a fellow scared Jew who can barely utter a coherent sentence because he’s so frightened. Every Jew knows we are thisclose to another Holocaust, so why take a chance on some guy whose name sounds Arab, when there’s a very nice goy running? Sure, his running mate belongs to a church that thinks Jesus is coming any day now to convert all the Jews, but there is no one who loves Israel more than a bunch of Christians waiting for the Rapture. I expect just seeing Obama’s name is going to have many Jews running out of voting booths screaming like it's Halloween. For Jews, everyday is Halloween.

The Reverse Bradley Effect

Republicans are hoping that all the polls are wrong because of the "Bradley Effect," the phenomenon where white people say they are going to vote for the black guy because they don’t want to appear racist but once they get in the voting booth they just can’t do it. But this year, I think we’re going to see a "Reverse Bradley Effect," where black people say they are going to vote for the black guy because they don’t want to seem disloyal, but when they get into the voting booth they just can’t pull the lever for the brother. When it gets right down to it, black people don’t really trust other black people. When a famous black person gets in trouble, what’s the first thing they do? They hire a Jewish lawyer. And how many rich and famous black people let other black people manage their money or careers? Not too many. If black people won’t hire black lawyers or accountants, what makes you think they are going to hire a black President?

Hispanics Will Remember Why No Se Puede Support Obama

John McCain probably thought Hispanics would line up behind him because he sponsored the immigration reform bill that would have granted amnesty to illegal aliens, but Hispanics have been skittish about supporting him because they know he will probably sell them down the river to appease his base the first chance he gets. Until Election Day, that is. Once Election Day rolls around Hispanics will suddenly remember just how much they hate black people. No one hates black people more than Hispanics (except maybe Asians). Black people give Hispanic people someone to look down on. They even still call them "Negroes" long after everyone else changed to "blacks" and "African-Americans." If a black person gets elected President, the only people Hispanics will have left to make fun of will be gay people. I don’t think they’ll let that happen.

Old People Stick Together

This year old people have a chance to make history instead of just being history. They have an opportunity to elect the oldest human to ever serve as President, someone who is as crotchety as they are. Old people don’t care if their daughter marries a young man, they just don’t want one running the country. And they can sympathize with someone whose rightful promotion is being stolen by some precocious young whippersnapper who doesn’t have the decency to wait his turn. It seems like lately Presidents just keep getting younger and younger and old people think it’s about time someone who looks like them gets in the White House for a change. Ultimately, old people like to stick together, which is why they are going to flock to McCain. You’ve probably noticed that in public places like parks or cafeterias old people tend to gravitate toward one another because they feel more comfortable hanging out with other old people who can understand their jokes and ossified cultural references. They imagine having a President who will say things that go over everybody's head and when young people turn to them and ask them to explain, they will just say, “It’s an old people thing; you wouldn’t understand.”

Men Think With Their…

Palin has had a strange effect on American men. It’s hard to describe the secret of her allure. According to Kathleen Parker, it's why McCain picked her in the first place: "McCain took Palin to his favorite coffee-drinking spot down by a creek and a sycamore tree," she writes. "They talked for more than an hour, and, as Napoleon whispered to Josephine, ‘Voila.’ One does not have to be a psychoanalyst to reckon that McCain was smitten." In The New Yorker Jane Mayer describes how a group of influential conservative men became putty in Palin's hands after they met her on a cruise. Rich Lowry may have articulated it best when he wrote after the debate, "I'm sure I'm not the only male in America who, when Palin dropped her first wink, sat up a little straighter on the couch and said, 'Hey, I think she just winked at me.' And her smile. By the end, when she clearly knew she was doing well, it was so sparkling it was almost mesmerizing. It sent little starbursts through the screen and ricocheting around the living rooms of America." Ultimately, I think many men will end up voting for Palin and her running mate because men tend to think with their hearts more than their brains. When men see Palin, they can’t describe the effect she has on them; they just know their palms get sweaty and hearts start beating faster.

Women Love a Bad Boy

Women love a bad boy and there was a time when Obama seemed exciting and even a little dangerous, the kind of guy girls would like to bring home to their parents just to scare them. But as the campaign wore on, Obama seemed less and less enthralling. Women began to realize that his cool façade wasn’t keeping a lid on roiling depths of passion; it was just hiding more and more layers of cool. After a while he began to seem so safe and reassuring that women started to get bored with him. And then they took a look at McCain. They realized that he was reckless and impetuous and oh so deliciously risky. Sure, he might snap at you and call you nasty names but he’ll always say he’s sorry afterward and that just makes him more alluring. With McCain as President, you’ll never know what he is going to do next. In the end he may bankrupt you or knock you up (and after he appoints Supreme Court Justices who reverse Roe v. Wade, you’ll be spared from having to make that heart-rending decision about what to do about it), but in the end you know you would make the same choice again even if everything tells you not to. Remember when you picked George Bush over that boring guy who reminded you of your first husband?

Conservatives Finally Have a Reason To Be Optimistic About the Future

Conservatives have always hated McCain for his support of immigration reform, campaign finance reform and moderate judges, and his opposition to torture and the Bush tax cuts, until he changed his mind and kicked his principles under the Straight Talk Express, though not soon enough for most of us. But after he picked Sarah Palin, conservatives took another look at McCain. That was when we noticed that McCain is really, really old and sometimes he doesn’t look all that well (wink!). And then it dawned on us: McCain will probably die in office! We may not be all that happy with McCain, but we are practically giddy at the prospect that he won't last that long. He could even keel over right after the Inauguration. And then . . . say hello to President Palin! The thought of a President Palin sends chills up the legs of many patriotic Americans, and up other parts of their bodies, too. So conservatives will be rushing to the polls fired up by the prospect that a vote for McCain is really a vote for President Palin. When you go into the voting booth November 4, I hope you, too, will picture Sarah Palin sitting in the Oval Office with her Manolo Blahniks propped up on the desk and I betcha you’ll know what to do.

Update: Whoops.

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Is Barack Obama Good for the Jews?

For most Presidential elections of the past 100 years, Jews have voted overwhelmingly for Democrats, with the exception of the 1920 election when many Jewish women, overwhelmed by Warren Harding's goyische good looks, pulled the lever for the Republicans. But this year many Jews are asking themselves, Is Barack Obama is good for the Jews?

The most prominent Jewish politician in the country, Joseph Lieberman, has endorsed John McCain, even though Obama backed him in his Democrat primary race for Senate in Connecticut. But that doesn't necessarily mean that other Jews will follow suit. In the 2000 Presidential election many elderly Florida Jews surprised pundits by voting for Pat Buchanan rather than Al Gore, despite the fact that his running mate was Lieberman, apparently because they felt that Lieberman was "too Jewish." (They didn't vote for Bush because they were angry at his father who they suspected of anti-Semitism for trying to make peace between Israel and the Palestinians.)

Lieberman has always been a bit embarrassing to many Jews because he seems to confirm the worst stereotypes people have of Jews. He's like the whiny kid in Hebrew class you didn't want to walk home with because it would be like walking with a magnet for anti-Semitic bullies. And his disloyalty to the Democrats and Obama (after begging Obama to help him) and his lack of subtlety about appearing to put Israel ahead of American interests embarrasses many Jews who have worked so hard at appearing to be loyal trustworthy Americans.

Lieberman's disdain for Obama seems puzzling. But I have two three four five sources who claim that there is a damaging videotape of Michelle Obama that explains the rift. Apparently, when Obama first came to the Senate, there was a luncheon of Senate wives, which someone videotaped. According to my friends who have not actually seen the tape but have friends who have friends who have seen it, Mrs. Lieberman asked Mrs. Obama if she had ordered the pastrami on rye and Mrs. Obama can distinctly be heard saying, "No, Jew." Obama's staff later claimed that his wife was actually saying, "No, did you?" but the damage was already done. I think this may actually be the mysterious videotape that Larry Johnson's friends' friends claim they have seen.

But most Jews will not be so easy for the Republicans to woo as Lieberman was. Many Jews are suspicious of conservatives, especially evangelicals. They, of course, appreciate the Christian Right's staunch support of Israel but suspect an ulterior motive. Evangelicals seem to love Israel just a little too much, perhaps because they believe that Israel's existence is necessary for the Rapture. They believe that when the Rapture comes many Jews will convert to Christianity, which they don't think will be such a big deal because they think of Christianity as Judaism Plus. Though I did eventually see the light and converted from Judaism to Christianity after seeing The Chronicles of Narnia, many Jews are a bit more stubborn about the conversion thing, even when weighed against the prospect of eternal damnation, and I suspect that when the Rapture does come many evangelicals will be disappointed.

Jews are also nervous about many conservatives' anti-immigration activism. It's not that Jews like Mexicans any more than conservatives do (and their food certainly gives many Jews heartburn) but some of the rhetoric about immigrants sounds oddly familiar. A recent post that appeared on a number of conservative blogs illustrates why many Jews are troubled. Writing about a federal immigration raid on a kosher meat plant in Postville, Iowa, Nancy Matthis described the situation as "a Protestant (mostly Lutheran) small town co-opted by Jewish business interests, Jewish businessmen skirting the law to turn an extra buck." Just in case the anti-Semitic overtones of greedy Jews taking over a small Christian town was not clear enough, one blog even tagged the post "Den of Thieves," a phrase that sets off anti-Semitic alarm bells, though I'm sure this blogger, who is from the south and probably hasn't met many real Jews, didn't realize that. If conservatives actually do want to win over Jews in the Fall, they really must be careful not to put the words "Jewish business interests" and "turn an extra buck" in the same sentence.

Of course, McCain, loves immigrants and hopes to give them all amnesty, which is why he is having trouble winning over many conservatives. And when one of his supporters, the Rev. John Hagee, was discovered making anti-Semitic remarks, he immediately denounced him, though he didn't seem to care so much when this man made anti-Catholic remarks.

Obama, however, is going to have to do a lot more denouncing to overcome Jewish concerns. No matter how many times Obama denounces people like Farrakhan and Rev. Wright and Hamas, there always seems to be another anti-Semitic supporter to repudiate, like the one who posted something on Obama's public blog, which was immediately removed but not before many claimed that it proved that Obama was anti-Semitic because anti-Semitic people like him, while McCain doesn't have any distasteful supporters at all. And Obama is going to have to work overtime to deny rumors that he is a Muslim who wants to wipe Israel off the map and that he has a secret plan to round up all the Jews and put them in ghettos where black people now live. If Obama would just say, "I do not have any secret plans at the current time to make peace with Iran by driving the Jews out of Israel into the sea or move black people into the homes of Jewish people and move all the Jewish people to Harlem," I think many Jews would be relieved. But so far Obama has not forcefully denied these rumors. And how hard would it be for Obama to release his birth certificate so that we can be certain his middle name is not really Muhammad instead of Hussein, which would make a lot of difference as to whether Jews could support him (though I must say I'm not quite sure why Muhammad is worse than Hussein)? Not very. So why hasn't he done it?

Although Obama said all the right things about Israel in his speech to AIPAC (and, in fact, he may have gone overboard, which also makes Jews suspicious), he is going to have to do more (but not too much more). Every day, it seems, I get emails making yet another anti-Semitic charge against Obama. I can't imagine who is sending out all these emails but I'm sure they have Jewish voters' best interests at heart. Some of them do seem a bit outlandish. Now, I don't personally believe that Obama uses the blood of Jewish babies in ritual sacrifices to help him maintain his youthful appearance, but until Obama states unequivocally that he does not, many Jews will be reluctant to vote for him. That doesn't mean that they will vote for McCain, but they just might write in Pat Buchanan's name instead.

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Technorati Tags: Jon Swift, Barack Obama, Joseph Lieberman, 2008 Election, Republicans, Democrats, John McCain, Politics

The Mean Girl Faces of Islamo-Fascism

Today I received "An Urgent Message From the Desk of David Horowitz" in my email in-box. Although I receive "An Urgent Message From the Desk of David Horowitz" almost every week, this one seemed urgenter than the others.

"Even before our Islamo-Fascism Awareness Week began, we were being attacked by radical leftists," it began. "The entire political left, from the Revolutionary Communist Party to the Young Democrats, is up in arms against us," he continued. Horowitz is Jewish and Jews are not known for being paranoid that everybody is against them so this certainly did seem very worrisome. And if the entire political left is joining with Islamo-Fascists to support the subjugation of women, the execution of gays, the annihilation of the Jews and the installment of theocratic governments and Sharia law, then things are truly dire. You might think that liberals would be against these these things, too, but apparently the Left has decided it would rather be on the side of the Islamo-Fascists rather than on David Horowitz's side for some reason so we have to treat them as the enemy. Horowitz declared this week National Islamo-Fascism Awareness Week in order to fight what he calls "the unholy alliance between American leftists and our enemies in the war on terror." Among the goodwill ambassadors he has sent to speak on campuses around the country is Ann Coulter, who believes that Horowitz is an unperfected Jew, though she has apparently set her perfectionist feelings aside to make something of an unholy alliance herself with Horowitz.

Unfortunately, goading the radical leftists and the hordes of radical Muslims overrunning our campuses is very expensive and Horowitz was writing to tell me he needs money to pay for security guards. It seems to me the last "Urgent Message From the Desk of David Horowitz" I received also begged for money and the one before that, too. I always thought Jews, despite their imperfections, were very good with money so I am surprised that his organization always seems to be in dire financial straits.

Luckily, Horowitz didn't need security guards when he spoke at the University of Wisconsin. According to radical leftist Uncle Jimbo at Blackfive Horowitz's attempt to goad the left into attacking him by accusing them of being too stupid to understand what he was saying (apparently a common tactic at the University of Wisconsin) did not have the desired effect because students were so bored by his soporific style that they all fell asleep. The only exception was a 9/11 Truther, though from the looks of these Truthers, they apparently never sleep, other than to take short naps fully clothed in steel, nonflammable bunkers while another 9/11 Truther stands guard on the look-out for any "controlled explosions" in the vicinity.

Unfortunately, Nonie Darwish was not so lucky. Darwish is a former Muslim whose father was assassinated by the Israelis, which really broke her up at the time, though she now believes that he probably deserved it and has embraced Israel. (The anti-Communist Horowitz's parents were Communists. I'm not sure if they have the same therapist.) Speaking at Wellesley College Darwish faced the newest weapon in the terrorist arsenal, one that is so chilling my hands shake as I type this. A number of Muslim women in headscarves showed up to hear her speak. As Darwish recounted to Pajamas Media's Phyllis Chesler (who I certainly wouldn't want to meet in a dark alley judging by her picture), "the female students in head-scarves did the following: As she spoke, they made exaggerated, 'mean girl' faces at her. They rolled their eyes, practiced 'disbelieving' facial expressions -- did everything but stick out their tongues."

I knew Muslims were bad but I never thought they would stoop to the level of making "mean girl faces," which I believe may be against the rules of the Geneva Convention. Is Western Civilization prepared to fight an army of Muslim Heathers? I guess we can be thankful they still had some humanity left. If they had stuck out their tongues, Darwish might not have lived to tell the tale. But that's not all. The Muslim women then got up one by one to go to the bathroom -- right in the middle of Darwish's speech! And where did these Muslim girls, whom Darwish describes as "gangsters," learn these cruel and, not to mince words, really quite rude tactics? "They are Hamas-trained," said Darwish.

The other students reacted as you might expect: with sheer terror. Darwish told Chesler, "'the Jewish students cringed and cowered, so afraid that they might have hurt Muslim feelings.' (Or rather, that the Muslims might physically hurt them afterwards. According to Darwish, one Jewish student told her that 'she "was locking her door. I am scared.'")" For some reason, fascism, whether Islamo or Nazi, seems to bring out cringing and cowering in Jews, which is something that Jews might want to work on. Even though I am a former (that is, perfected) Jew, I don't think that I will ever again be able to pass a headscarved Muslim girl in the street again without panicking that she might make a "mean girl face" at me.

I certainly appreciate the intent behind Horowitz's Islamo-Fascism Week. It is important that we all be aware of the truth behind Islamo-Fascism, though I'm not completely convinced "that awareness about Islamo-Fascism means the end of their homicidal enterprise," as he claims. But can we handle the truth? I am more terrified now than I have ever been before and it just makes it worse to know that the entire left-wing is on their side. What if Nancy Pelosi or Hillary Clinton get Hamas training and learn how to make "mean girl faces" of their own? There might be nothing we can do to stop them.

Update: Thers informs me that Phyllis Chesler is concerned that some people are not taking the danger of "mean girl faces" seriously enough. Apparently, she has done "research" connecting mean girl behavior to "female-female slander, gossip, ostracism . . . female honor killings, dowry burnings, acid-attacks, and female genital mutilation practices." Unfortunately, many of us men are just not going to "get it." It's a girl thing; you wouldn't understand.

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Jon Swift, David Horowitz, Islamo-Fascism, Islamo-Fascism Awareness Week, Ann Coulter, Islam, Politics
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