Saturday, December 17, 2005

Intelligent Design

Recently my son came home confused. They were studying Intelligent Design in school and he had some questions. I was relieved that his school stopped teaching the theory of Evolution, which I never really understood. I once saw a movie that tried to explain evolution but it just got me more confused. It showed a bunch of apes in the desert who were starving and then this black obelisk appeared out of nowhere and they started using bones to kill animals for meat and then each other and then one of them threw a bone up in the air and it turned into a space ship. It didn't make a lot of sense to me and that's why I was glad when our local school board decided to stop teaching this theory.

Intelligent Design is much easier to explain and it only takes one day out of the curriculum, which means all that time saved can be used to teach kids more important things like how to use a cash register for when they get a job at Wal-Mart. Anyone can explain Intelligent Design in one sentence: God (or someone just like him) created everything. It's a very simple explanation that is hard to argue against.

But, unfortunately, my son is at that age where he questions everything. He started bringing up all kinds of things that didn't seem so intelligent like the appendix. "What is that for?" he asked me. I was stumped. I had no idea. Then he asked me why God had to keep intervening to fix things and make them better. Why didn't he make them right in the first place? Like dinosaurs, for example. Why did he make them and then get rid of them? That didn't seem so smart. Then he wanted to know if He just stopped intervening or if He was still intevening today. If He stopped, why did He stop and if He didn't stop then why doesn't He fix things like the hole in the ozone layer? I was having a hard time coming up with an answer so I told him to ask his teacher. Finally, he asked me if I thought sex was intelligent. "Stop right there," I said. "You are not to talk about sex until you're 21. Is that understood?" That pretty much ended the conversation right there.

Anyway, it all got me to thinking that while evolution is completely ridiculous maybe we need to rename Intelligent Design so that kids could understand it better. Maybe it should be called Pretty Intelligent Design or B+ Design. That would be a lot easier to understand and it would get my son to stop asking questions.

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Anonymous said...

Dear Red State Confrere:
While I am worried that your issue, the fruit of your loins, ie your son, is delving into issues that involve sex (a sign of bad breeding, one is forced to concede), I can assure you that most of his uncarnal queries can parried quite readily.

First of all: dinosaurs. God made dinosaurs so that cavemen and their lawfully wedded would be able to get to their low-paying service jobs. Once Neanderthal Dan and Paleozoic Penny could afford decent automobiles, or more likely, bus-passes, the stegosaurus jitney became as unnecessary as a condom at a Sapphic Sisterhood Sewing Circle.

While we are on the subject of unnecessary appurtenances: Just because we don't know what an appendix is for, doesn't mean we won't need it someday. Several years ago some Hebrew quacksalver insisted on removing mine. I just as strongly insisted that he return it and deduct the disposal expense from his no-doubt inflated bill. The appendix now rests comfortably on my mantel in a Lalique crystal vase, surrounded by dry ice and a martini olive that flew from my mouth during a rowdy Heimlich maneuver, performed on me by my Dominican valet d'chambre, Javier.

A wise man once said that an ungrateful child is sharper than a serpent's tooth. While I realize from the slack-jawed quality of your writing and the complete vacuity of your intellectual statements that you handle snakes as part of your religious celebrations, this warning would serve you well.

William F.

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أيفون said...

and this is the hard time to be watching out and very carefuly waht are you teaching your kids said...

Pretty effective piece of writing, thanks for the post.

Indonesian Girl Only said...

While I realize from the slack-jawed quality of your writing and the complete vacuity of your intellectual statements that you handle snakes as part of your religious celebrations, this warning would serve you well.

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