Tuesday, January 03, 2006

Canadians: The Other Illegal Immigrants

With so much attention focused on illegal immigrants from the south there has been scant notice of a far more insidious infiltration from our porous border in the north. No one knows how many illegal immigrants from Canada currently reside in the United States. And it is extremely difficult to find out since Canadians, unlike Mexicans, look and speak just like normal Americans. The fact that they are able to blend in so easily makes them, in my mind, even more threatening to our way of life than immigrants from other countries. Some of you might not even realize that Canada is an entirely separate country. Some of your neighbors and co-workers may be Canadian and you might have no idea. Aside from overuse of the word "eh?" and excessive drinking of Molson, many Canadians (at least the English-speaking ones) seem just like us on the outside. Many people don't realize that Canadians have already infiltrated places of power in our country. Ultra-liberal anchorman Peter Jennings was Canadian. Saturday Night Live producer Lorne Michaels is Canadian. The director of the biggest-grossing movie of all time, Titanic, James Cameron, is Canadian. Jeopardy host Alex Trebek is Canadian. Most shocking of all, Pamela Anderson is also Canadian.

The effect of Canadians on our economy is devastating. Unlike Mexicans, Canadians take jobs from Americans that Americans actually want. Another way Canadians are destabilizing our economy is by replacing our money with theirs. How many times have you gotten change in a store only to realize when you get home that you were given a practically worthless Canadian penny or dime?

Canadians might seem harmless but many of them hold dangerously liberal ideas. Canada, after all, is a country that has gay marriage and socialized medicine. They have decriminalized marijuana and made hate speech illegal. Most Canadians oppose the Iraq War and Canada welcomed draft dodgers during the Vietnam War. It is no accident that many of the blue states border Canada, which is a clear illustration of how their dangerous ideas have seeped into our own country. There was even some traitorous talk after the 2004 election in Blue States of seceding and joining Canada, an idea that was no doubt encouraged by the Canadians in our midst. And it is not only Canadians who sneak into our country and weaken our will. Many terrorists come to the United States through Canada, which has notriously weak immigration laws. They might not care who comes into their country but we do.

I don't know what can be done about this problem. Our border with Canada is very long but I think that is all the more reason that we get started on building an electrified fence along the border as soon as possible. Identifying Canadians who are already here is trickier. You can't identify them the way Germans in World War II were identified by asking them about baseball since Canadians have baseball, too. Perhaps the Defense Department could work on a series of tests that would identify likely Canadians. Americans should be aware of some of the tell-tale signs of Canadians such as the strange way they spell certain words ("defence" instead of "defense," for example). Perhaps the faces and names of Canadians could be posted on Internet sites the way sex offenders are so that people will know if there are Canadians in their neighborhood and keep an eye on them. So far, no one has come up with a good solution to the problem--and it may already be too late.

, , , , Moderate Circus of Canadian Politics 3


Anonymous said...

You are kidding, right?

Anonymous said...

I totally agree. I live in Australia and we here are a free country. I beleive that America should be the same. The Canadians should stick to their own crummy lives instead of invading the great American way of life.

Anonymous said...

If you are actually married to a Canadian and this is one big joke, I commend you for your good writing.

If you are serious—wow. My mother warned me about people like you...

Anonymous said...

PS How would you feel about Canadians who entered the country legally?

Anonymous said...

Great bit of writing, if you were joking. If not then you really need to see a shrink.

Anonymous said...

>Many terrorists come to the United States through Canada, which has notriously weak immigration laws.

Bartkid sez,
Bzzt. Wrong. Replace "Many" with "A handful".
None of the 19 9/11 hijackers came through Canada.
McVeigh, American.
Unibomber, American.
Padilla, American.

The only terrorist I know of going to the US through Canada was the schmuck who was caught at the BC-Washington State border who was going to bomb the LA Airport.

And, Canada has had more criminals come through the US than vice versa.

If you want to identify a Canadian, look for the person who is maliciously well-informed about America.

Oh, and you forgot William Shatner and Lorne Greene on your list of Canunk fifth columnists.

lecentre said...

The Moderate Circus of Canadian politics is up, after you submitted this post to it. I hope for your sake this was a joke.

lecentre said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Mike H. said...

Bwahahahahahahaha! As a truck driver I was running into those immigrants every day. They were driving bull haulers and they kept talking about a cattle drive. I didn't see any horses though. Couldn't have been true. Alright, alright, it was just a truck joke, take your pack off. :)

Anonymous said...

I must say that I agree with alot of this. Especially the part about them blending in. When's the last time you heard someone say, "did you see all those damn Canadians walking around Wal Mart". I am an officer with CBP, the newly made orginization that's made up of former Immigration, Border Patrol, and the US Customs agencies. Don't get me wrong when I say this because I'm not talking about ALL Canadians. However, the issue has alot to do with respect and appreciation. Alot of Canadians actually believe it is their "RIGHT" to come to the U.S. Some don't see it that they are allowed to come here, it's a privilage, could you please show a little appreciation and respect. Terrorism is a very small issue when it comes to the flow of people from the north. The major issue we see were I work are Canadian citizens living and working in the US without authorization and actually shocked and dumb founded because they got caught and got in trouble for it. I could go on for hours on this subject but I won't. I will close by saying this, don't believe a word from News Papers or other sources about US authorities treating Canadians badly, it's absolute BS!!! Canadians just aren't used to being inspected for entry into the US, which was a very rare occasion before 9/11. It's much more difficult for an American to go to Canada than it is for a Canadian to come here. Were I work, we refuse entry to about 30 to 40 Canadian Citizens a year. The Canadians officer here refuse entry to about 150 to 200 US Citizens to Canada. Usually Canadian citizens have a voice here, there actually protected by the Constitution of our Country, they can complain and actually have a action taken from it. If you try to complain about the way you were treated by Canadian authorities......Well, let's just say don't waste your time because no one up there cares and no ones listening, your not Canadian and you have no rights here. I've seen it with my own eyes, I've heard with my own ears.

Anonymous said...

I've had a good read of your blogs and this one caught my eye since I am in fact canadian. I have worked all over the world and have never even entertained the idea of moving to the states. crummy health care and even worse politics. I have no interest in visiting let alone living in a country where the president will sacrifice a major economic decline for the sake of war in a country so torn one more bomb is barely noticed. I know more than a few canadians who feel the same way...you don't want us there anymore then we want to be there. So rest assured I believe canada is your country's last worry, plenty of other countries want to the states brought down..we simply want to co-exist as peacefully as possible :) By the way how close to value are our pennies and dimes to yours now?

Anonymous said...

Yes, he's being sarcastic.

There's one big difference between Canadians and Mexicans. Canadians don't actually need/want to work in the US.

Paul said...

you are like Borat...exposing how narrow minded Americans can be!!! Good for You..

Anonymous said...

Rest assure! No one I Know wants to move to the US. From our point of view it is not the best place to live. And yes, perhaps you should see a shrink. I can refer you to my brother-in-law. He is a good canadian shrink!!! thanks for your article. I had a good laugh!

Anonymous said...

Mr. Swift, I take off my hat to you; you are one funny guy. Here and there among the commenters are those on whom your fine sense of humour is wasted, one or two of them (astonishingly, I thought we were smarter than that) Canadians.

Count me among your loyal readers from this day forward. I also loved your reviews of books you haven't actually read. I think Amazon likey deleted your posts because they fear you will pick up some sort of cult following - books of which I have read the Jon Swift review but have not actually bought, perhaps.

Wanderlusting said...

I am Canadian and I laughed my ass off at this post (it's called sarcasm, people). It's about time someone exposed us for the dangerous threats we are. I could be your neighbour! I might take your job! I'm so obsessed with hockey I may just murder you with an adeptly-sharpened iceskate! RAAAAAAAR!

As for the Blue (ie, chilly) States looks like you are now stuck between a rock and a hard place.

Allan W Janssen said...

Canadian-American relations during the Liberal/Chretien era took a downturn but since the Conservative/Harper government they seem to have recovered somewhat.

In the spirit of reconciliation I would like to get all our cross border irritants out of the way once and for all.

I'm sorry about your war in Iraq but this time we will try not to take as many draft dodgers and we will continue to help out in Afghanistan to take some of the pressure off your army. (By the way, do you have a few extra rifles we could use, we still have the ones from that war of 1812 we had with you guys.)

I'm sorry about 9/11. As Canadians it really doesn't have anything to do with us but we do feel your pain and will always be here for you.

I'm sorry Canadians have almost taken over your television, music and movie industries, (especially the comedians) but I guess Canadians on average are just more talented and funny than Americans!

I'm sorry you have a these problems with illegal immigrants across the Mexican border but once aqain it doesn't really have much to do with us and if you continue to put restrictions on the Canadian border as a result, we will just stop going to Florida in the winter. Period!

I'm sorry that with the Oil Sands we now have much more oil than you do but if you promise not to invade us we will be only to happy to share. (For a price!)

I'm sorry the American dollar is falling in price against the Euro and Yen but if you ever want to borrow a few bucks just give us a call.

I'm sorry about our softwood lumber. Just because we have more trees than you doesn't give us the right to sell you lumber that's cheaper and better than your own.

I'm sorry we beat you in Olympic hockey. In our defense I guess our excuse would be that our team was much, much, much, much better than yours.

Speaking of 1812, I'm sorry we burnt down your White House during the war of 1812. I notice you've rebuilt it! It's Very Nice!

Your Humble Scribe;
Allan W Janssen

Allan W Janssen said...

P.S. I remember a time in the seventies when I was going from Sarnia to Port Huron to go to the mall there and a customs officer wanted to check if I was legal.
After my questioning why he was asking me all these questions he said; "Well there are a lot of people trying to sneak into this country to live and work here you know!"
To which I said "WHY?"
Son-of-a-bitch sent me back so I went to our own mall!!!!

Anonymous said...


You are hilarious

So is the ides of canadians wanting to invade America

Let's see, no healthcare, no minimum wage, unions breaking down, trillions spent on an illegal war..oh, Ann Coulter, umm, deranged President, no healthcare, highest rate of incarecerated people in the world, Ann Coulter, Rush Limbaugh, Patriot Act, Guitanamo Bay and Jerry Springer

Jon Stewart is a saving grace though isn't he?

I love your writing

Anonymous said...

Why would Canadians want to illegally immigrate to the US? Us has the 2nt highest poverty rate in the developed world (after UK) and a much higher crime rate? I'm from Australia and when i went to the US (Oregon) I was at a gas station, sayed i was Australian and these 2 rednecks forced me and my husband into a back room and questioned if we were illegal immigrants and telling us to get back to our own dirt bag country and be poor. Just goes to show how Americans think of the rest of the world, Defiantly somewhere i will never go back to.

Anonymous said...

"I'm from Australia and when i went to the US (Oregon) I was at a gas station, sayed i was Australian and these 2 rednecks forced me and my husband into a back room and questioned if we were illegal immigrants and telling us to get back to our own dirt bag country and be poor."

I had a similar experience when I pretended to be Canadian while backpacking in North Korea. [To my fellow Americans: apparently Canada also fought in the Korean War - who knew?]

Just one problem with your story - no good ole boy would accept the logic in that explanation without making the logical conclusion that any country that speaks German is probably a German ally.

The fact that you can't dintinguish between a 'redneck' and our border patrols shows how poorly your superiors prepared you. It's called 'Defense in depth,' and we've used it kick your asses in two World Wars.

And by the way, in English it's Austria and Austrian, respectively. You might want to mention this to your superiors - they're welcome to make use of that, as we have a million other ways of find you people when you wash up on our shores.

Point is, Canadians may be able to hide among us, but we're not stupid.

Anonymous said...

Hey asshole, how about this:

why didn't anyone tell me it was "Jon Swift is the biggest fucking asshole in the world year?" I would have marked it on my calendar. I think the jackass and asshole class of people (like you) should worry about other things much more than illegal immigrants. You fuckjob-assholes send Canadian men like Maher Arar to Syria to be beaten and tortured. Worry about problems that are of actual significance asshole. If you ever come to Canada, tell me, so I can tell you where we can meet so I can beat the living shit out of you and spit in your face. Burn in hell, asshole.

harmfulguy said...

The effect of Canadians on our economy is devastating.

While an anonymous poster mentioned the infamous Canadian infiltrator William Shatner, he failed to express the seriousness of that particular threat. As the "Priceline Negotiator", Mr. Shatner acts as an agent of economic chaos, intent upon undermining the pricing of American transportation and lodging. His techniques, such as seducing nubile hotel clerks and assaulting prospective vacationers in their own homes, should be condemned by all civilized nations; however, I'm sure they're a standard part of training for Canadian saboteurs.

Anonymous said...

Remember the movie "Canadian Bacon"? Too funny.

Anonymous said...

I have also posted about the millions of illegal Canadians in the United States. In other posts on Canada, I reveal that the ruler of Canada, Queen Elizabeth is a witch. Canadians celebrate her witchcraft by waving broomsticks during the Canadian game called Curling.

Anonymous said...

Im always buffeld by the way that some paranoid close minded Americans would come up with such crap,im Mexican Citizen that lives in Mexico and i would never immigrate to the U.S. if i had no choice i would prefer to go to Canada,but fortunately
i have what i need right here in good old Mexico,thank god NOT all Americans think like this guy.

Theres arround 15 million illegal immigrants in the U.S. wich 6.5 million are from Mexico,today the U.S is dealling with a problem sparked a decade ago, a lot of people view Mexico is a 3rd world nation and very,very poor since so many poor Mexican cross the border to the U.S. and have biased opinon of Mexicans since they judge a country by the poor mostly Amerindians that immigrate illegaly to the U.S.
They dont stop and view the facts that this problem was a result of weak border and the 1994 economic crisis in Mexico that sparked such a exodus to the U.S.
Well i have good new for you folks in present day Mexico is NOT a 3rd world country,in fact Mexico recovery has been called a miracle and its economy is booming.
Less and less people are immigrating to the U.S. compared to past years,in fact Mexico´s had done so well in past years that is now a posible member of the G8 wich consits of the most develop countries in the world.Today Mexico also with China,India,South Africa are what is called the next develop contries of this century.

Mexico has a free market economy, and is firmly established as an upper middle-income country, and it is the 12th largest economy in the world as measured in Gross Domestic Product in purchasing power parity. After the 1994 economic debacle, Mexico has made an impressive recovery, building a modern and diversified economy. Recent administrations have also improved infrastructure and opened competition in seaports, railroads, telecommunications, electricity generation, natural gas distribution and airports. Oil is Mexico's largest source of foreign income.

According to the director for Colombia and Mexico of the World Bank, the population in extreme poverty has decreased from 24.2% to 17.6% in the general population and from 42% to 27.9% in rural areas from 2000-2004.[32] Nonetheless, income inequality remains a problem, and huge gaps remain not only between rich and poor but also between the north and the south, the urban and the rural areas. Sharp contrasts in income and Human Development are also a grave problem in Mexico. The 2004 United Nations Human Development Index report for Mexico states that, Benito Juárez, one of the districts in the Distrito Federal and San Pedro Garza García, in the State of Nuevo León, would have a similar level of economic, educational and life expectancy development to that of Germany or New Zealand and Metlatonoc in the state of Guerrero, would have an HDI similar to that of Malawi.[33][34]

Guadalajara in the state of Jalisco was the highest ranking major Mexican city for fdi magazine in the "cities of the future" 2007 research, also had the second strongest economic potential of any major North American city and only Chicago scored higher for sheer economic potential. It is also the highest ranked business friendly latinamerican city in 2007.

Many of the positive effects in poverty reduction and the increase in purchasing power of the middle class are attributed to the macroeconomic stability pursued by the last two administrations. GDP annual average growth for the period of 1995–2002 was 5.1%.[39] The economic downturn in the United States also caused a similar pattern in Mexico, of which it rapidly recovered to grow 4.1% in 2005 and 3% in 2005. Inflation has reached a record low of 3.3% in 2005, and interest rates are low, which have spurred credit-consumption in the middle class. The Fox administration also provided monetary stability: budget deficit was further reduced and foreign debt was decreased to less than 20% of GDP.

Mexico shares, with Chile the highest rating of long-term sovereign credit in Latin America. Poverty in Mexico is further reduced by remmitances from Mexican citizens working in the United States of America, which reaches US$20 billion dollars per year and is the second largest source of foreign income after oil exports.

Being one of the most open countries in the world, almost 90% of Mexican trade has been put under free trade agreements with over 40 countries, of which the North American Free Trade Agreement remains the most influential: close to 90% of Mexican exports go to the United States and Canada, and close to 55% from its imports come from these two countries. Other major trade agreements have been signed with the European Union, Japan, Israel and many countries in Central and South America.

Tourism in Mexico is a large industry, the third in importance. The most notable tourist draws are the ancient Meso-American ruins, and popular beach resorts. The coastal climate and unique culture – a fusion of the European (particularly Spanish) and the Meso-American – also make Mexico attractive. The peak tourist seasons in Mexico are during December and during July and August, with brief surges during the week before Easter and surges during spring break at many of the beach resort sites which are popular with vacationing college students from the United States.

Ongoing economic concerns include the commercial and financial dependence on the US, low real wages, underemployment for a large segment of the population, inequitable income distribution (top 20% of income earners account for 55% of income), and few advancement opportunities for the largely Amerindian population in the impoverished southern states. Lack of structural reform is further exacerbated by an ever increasing outflow of the population into the United States, decreasing domestic pressure for reform

Greetings from Mexico.

borrealman said...

"Many terrorists come to the United States through Canada, which has notoriously weak immigration laws."
I can tell you from first hand experience, as an American living as a permanent resident of Canada that the immigration process is far from weak.
I live in a city whose population of 78,659 and has had not one murder this year. When I lived in a small city of 13,722 in US we had five murders a year.
The violence that Canada is starting to see is coming from American gangs and American guns.
I have met many many Americans that have immigrated from the US. British Columbia and Alberta need workers and many US citizen are moving to make great money.
Canada allows Mexican workers to work a legal temporary workers. Both countries enjoy the economic benefits from this relationship.
Income taxes are lower for the poor and middle class. Canadians pay higher sales taxes. You decide how much you pay based on how much you spend.
Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth the second is not Canada's ruler. Canada is a democracy and is ruled by the people. Her power is only symbolic. She does no act without the permission of the Prime Minister.
If the Canadian Prime Minister tried to increase his powers like the President of the US has continued to do, Canadians would replace him and not have to wait four more years.
The annual quality of life survey released by Mercer Human Resource Consulting placed Vancouver as the 3rd in world quality of life survey. Toronto rating 14th place, Ottawa 20th, Montreal 22nd, and Calgary 25th. In the United States, the highest-rated cities were Honolulu and San Francisco, tied in 25th spot with Calgary.

Anonymous said...

There may be something to this...mainly because we've had enough colonialism from the French and the English. Our experience so far with American colonization policies has not been positive.

Canadians declined to go along with the invasion of either Vietnam or Iraq...and we're sort of happy about that.

Still, we read your blogs and listen to Leonard Cohen (oops, another Canadian), when he sings - hopefully - that "Democracy Is Comin' - To The Usa".


We can only hope.

Cheers and may the future be good to you.


Anonymous said...

Ha, suck on those $1.07 Canadian loonies now ;-P

Anonymous said...

Ummm... first off, you think that Fox News is the only unbiased news source there is. Anyone can tell you that it is conservatively biased.

I am a Canadian who has worked in America (and will be again in the forseeable future). I have never in my life read such rubbish. We are not alcoholic terrorists as you are suggesting. We are, as you said, people not unlike you or I.

Except that we are considerably smarter than you. That's you specifically, not Americans as a whole. I have gained a lot of respect for (most) Americans during my time in the US.

Please develop some arguments that make sense. Good day.

Shane Caldwell said...

"Except that we are considerably smarter than you."

Your reply does nothing to support this point. It's satire, buddy. Take it easy. You're making my country look bad.

Anonymous said...

Yessss, more evidence for my illegal immigration paper and how several literate Americans are complete dumbasses on the subject. :D

John C. Baker said...

Hah! I love all the people with low reading comprehension and had to ask if you were kidding or said how narrow-minded you were because they don't understand satire. :-) Even more funny were all the people who thought you were serious and said that they wholeheartedly agreed with you.

Anonymous said...

This man seriously lacks intelligence. This is one of the most opinionated articles I've read in a long time. Looks like some kid with bad experience wrote this whole thing..

Anonymous said...

Dammn those Canadians! Canada sucks that is why there are many Canadians live in USA illegally.

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Jae Chang said...

"Jon Swift" lol and ode to Englands most coveted satirists. Good article it had me rolling.

Anonymous said...

Fantastic writing!

I laughed through the complete article (even before I realised it was brilliantly executed sarcasm).

The responses from people who either just don't get it or those who "play along" are equally as entertaining.

I have to go outside now and roll up my welcome carpet before the polar bears take it again, cheers!

girlymurley said...

Too funny! Loved it. But I think the guy pointing out Fox is a Conservative network is even funnier. Thanks Captain Obvious.

Unknown said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Unknown said...

Okay, for everyone on here, please read this...

This post is a satire, in the same form as Johnathan Swift's "A Modest Proposal", Where Swift suggests that the Irish sell their children to butchers, to help feed the poor...

The suggestion that the author makes is in jest. The idea would never work... I actually came across this site while writing a satirical essay based off of "A Modest Proposal" on immigration as well...

Please, please, please, please, please note that this a SATIRE, intended to mock a different subject...

Also, I have family in Canada, along the border, and they hp across the border every time they need to see the doctor...

Anonymous said...

Jon, I see you actually blogged this a number of years ago, but I just found it.
What a hoot! Thanks for the laugh!

Bob Chapman said...

Allan W Janssen, your post is what is called plagiarism on both sides of the border. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K8cDRwhgi6Q

While I know sarcasm when I see it, you may want to read this. http://wweek.com/editorial/3415/10425/

The Essential Guide to Everything Fab said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
robert said...

Hey, if anyone from Canada can snow blow my driveway for $5 then we'll address the issue.

Anonymous said...

"Reasonable conservative?" I am conservative and pretty far to the right even for a conservative, but you are just a lunatic. Yes, illegal Canadian immigration is a problem, but there's no reason to be such an intolerant xenophobe.

Anonymous said...

As a guy who likes to wind up people on you-tube with my remarks for the fun of it, I'd have to say I was one of those saying "what! you kidding" aarrrrgh! it's the most bigotry blog ive ever heard! then i read a reply "it's all satire sarecasim duh!"
then I read the article again, It's like Oh! yeah. But I think that, it's not so much the article
that's interesting but comments that where provoked from people. Good piece of writing from the Author.

Canadian-American girl said...

This is hilarious!! My whole family is Canadian and we live in the States... and this was the funniest thing I've read in a long time. For all you guys who took him seriously, he was JUST JOKING!! Relax... this is pretty funny stuff if you guys would just stop getting so offended and take a joke. :)

Anonymous said...

Yeah right..."they speak the same language, they look like us". Over 6 millions of Canadians speak French. I'm a "legal" immigrant living in NY State and believe me, when I speak; you can see a big difference. Even when you're legal, there is always some genius (like you) at work to make you feel that you don't belong. There's no reason to leave Canada that provides its citizens with universal health care and great unemployment laws, unless you fell in love with an American. Thank God, my husband is an educated and intelligent democrat!!

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Unknown said...

With so much attention focused on illegal immigrants from the south there has been scant notice of a far more insidious infiltration from our porous border in the north.

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Unknown said...

I am a reasonable conservative who likes to write about politics and culture.

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Unknown said...

With so much attention focused on illegal immigrants from the south there has been scant notice of a far more insidious infiltration from our porous border in the north.

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Anonymous said...

I am a nurse. I came from Canada. I worked my but off. You had a need. I filled it. The least you could do is be appreciative of my service. I am an American now now. Just like you. The only difference is I had to earn my citizenship You got it for free, I rest my case.

Anonymous said...

Then Tell All THE FUCKING canadians to go home and quit working illegally. Your no better than the other illegal immigrants! !

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