Thursday, May 11, 2006

The NSA Code

A number of liberals are grousing about revelations that the NSA has created a massive secret database of telephone numbers from the private phone records of millions of Americans who use AT&T, Verizon and BellSouth, which turned over the records without informing their customers. The NSA contends that average Americans have nothing to worry about, that they are simply looking for "patterns" and "not mining or trolling through the personal lives of millions of innocent Americans," as President Bush assured us. In fact, the kinds of patterns NSA analysts are looking for may be the key to winning the War on Terror.

What kinds of patterns is the NSA looking for? Well, readers of The Da Vinci Code and The Bible Code may have already figured it out. As these books informed us, the Bible is full of coded messages. By searching for Equidistant Letter Sequences, or ELS codes, scientists have discovered that the Bible contains hidden messages that predict such events as the assassination of Yitzak Rabin, the victory of Crash over Brokeback Mountain at the Oscars, and the horrible, tragic death of Tom Cruise in a freak accident (this one obviously hasn't come true yet). So what does this massive database of telephone numbers have to do with the Bible Code? The letters of the Hebrew alphabet also correspond to numbers. Using sophisticated computer technology, the NSA is translating all of these telephone numbers into Hebrew letters and then using ELS code-searching programs to discover predictions of future terrorist attacks and the names of the people who will commit them.

With this remarkable technology, the NSA will be able to arrest people for committing terrorist acts before they commit them or even before they have thought about committing them. The future predicted in the film Minority Report (starring the soon-to-be late-and-lamented Tom Cruise) is already upon us. The NSA is pouring all of its resources into this program instead of wasting it on such antiquated, scattershot methods as human intelligence and analysis or increased security at ports and chemical and nuclear plants. Unfortunately, modern jurisprudence has not quite caught up with this rapidly developing technology so ELS evidence of not-yet-committed crimes is not currently admissible in court (but I predict it will be!). However, these people can be arrested as "future enemy combatants" and "disappeared" to prison islands like Guantanamo that are already being set up for this purpose. Once these preemptive arrests of thousands of potential terrorists have been made, we will be completely safe from terrorism. In fact, this may be our only hope of stopping a terrorist attack before it happens.

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Anonymous said...


We the People,in order to form a more perfect union, re-esablish justice , insure domestic tranquility free of warrantless wire tappings, provide for the common defence for JUST wars, promote the general welfare of the poorest among us, and secure the blessings of liberty to ourselves and our posterity, do ordain and establish this REVISED version of the Constitution for the United States of America

All legislative Powers herein granted shall (STILL) be vested in a Congress of the United States, which shall consist of a Senate and House of Representatives.There will now be one Major Political Party called the Independant Progressive Party

Barry said...

If we lived in a movie, everything you wrote would make perfect sense.

benmerc said...

I feel so much safer at this all I will need to do is register as a Republican to get on Mr. Bush's "innocent peoples" list.

Anonymous said...

Wow. So that's how they do it! That's amazing. So now will we be turned into pod people?

LOL - great post!

Thanks for the link :)

WomanHonorThyself said...

lolz..good one!..thanks for the link!

Anonymous said...

While I'm sure someday the government will be capable of utilizing advanced methods to predict criminal and terrorist behavior in advance, I'm afraid right now, it's just slogging through the data. Nobody really wants to be targetted by this program, even us Americans who aren't doing anything wrong, so I've come up with some changes to the way I do things to make that less likely.
Since the program is mostly looking at patterns of calls, you can get in trouble even if you don't have anything to do with a terror cell. Think about the phone numbers you call all the time. Does the dry cleaner, pizza place, or video store you use have a lot of arab customers? Try to encourage them not to, this will cut down on the links picked up by the NSA. Don't let your kids call school friends whose parents might have family "back home" if back home is some country that doesn't use english. If you have coworkers who might be islamic, don't shun them, just start communicating on paper.
I'm putting this into practice now, and I'd encourage others to do the same.

benmerc said...


I completely agree with your "program". It makes perfect sense, as incorporating the smart lifestyle choices by ordering “Guiltless Chicken” when out to a favorite bistro or café. Currently we have been changing are behavior and lifestyle choices to accommodate the issues your program has highlighted. We all feel even safer since the last post I had stated concerning the issues raised by Mr. Swift. Now that we are in compliance with the government and corporate structures, my household (well, except Stanley...he lives in a gold fish bowl and traditionally has had very limited interaction with the family unit) truly feel only as a free Americans may.

Dougal said...

This won't really have success, I believe this way.
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Dr. Anil Prasad Bhatt said...

That was a VERY interesting one! Seriously interesting.

Psittacosis said...

Thank you, that was just an awesome post!!!

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