Friday, July 14, 2006

The New American Empire

Thomas Friedman recently wrote that our attempts to foster democracy in the Middle East just don't seem to be working very well, though the next six months will no doubt be crucial. One of the problems with democracies in the Middle East is that the people seem to vote for the wrong parties. What we need in the Middle East, it seems, is the kind of democracy where the people don't actually get to elect anyone. So how can we give the people of the Middle East all of the blessings of democracy without letting them vote?

The problem with these fledgling democracies stems from the fact that an essential step in the progression to democracy has been left out. Iraq was at one time a democracy. Immediately before it was a democracy, it was a colony of England. And what was the United States before it was a democracy? Also a colony. In fact, most democratic countries in the world were either colonies or colonizers before they became democracies. So before Iraq is able to become a democracy, I think we need to make it a colony first.

President Bush has said that he wants to spread the blessings of Liberty around the world. Unfortunately, I think he may be going about it the wrong way in his first attempt at this goal by giving in to the politically correct idea that Iraq should be allowed self-determination. A much more efficient way of remaking the Middle East in our own image would be to make Iraq the first colony in the New American Empire.

By making Iraq a colony we could give them all of the advantages of being a democracy, without any of the disadvantages. Iraqis would get the benefit of U.S. government programs and they would get to spend dollars at all of the American companies that would spring up there. After they have proven that they are capable, we could even give Iraqis a non-voting representative in Congress, the way we do for Washington, DC. Of course, we would get a little something out of the arrangement as well since all of their oil reserves would be under the control of the United States.

Iraq, of course, would just be the first member of this New American Empire as we spread liberty throughout the world. We might also consider making Afghanistan a colony if the situation continues to deteriorate there. Lebanon seems ripe for colonization, as I'm sure Israel will want us to take that parcel of land off their hands when they get through with it. Colonizing Syria might encounter some resistance at first, but it would certainly be a lot easier once the surrounding countries are American colonies.

I don't think we need to limit our empire just to the Middle East. Making Mexico a colony would solve the immigration problem in one fell swoop. In fact, one of the reasons people immigrate to this country is that they want to partake of the American lifestyle, which they have seen depicted in Hollywood movies. By becoming a colony of the United States, a country's citizens would be able to enjoy the fruits of the American lifestyle without actually having to immigrate here. Soon we might find that many countries will be clamoring to become colonies of the United States and our troops will be welcomed with flowers, just as Vice President Cheney said would happen in Iraq. Once we can say that the sun never sets on the American Empire and the era of Pax Americana has truly begun, then I think we will have succeeded in spreading liberty throughout the world.

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mistah charley, ph.d. said...

Then conquer we must,
For our cause it is just,
And this be our motto -
"In God Is Our Trust"

--Francis Scott Key

benmerc said...

The weatherman of punditry...

OutOfContext said...

I would add India to your list of former colonies and point out that your solution is oversimple. The key here is that they and we were former colonies of England. We must figure out what is so special about English colonialism and emulate it. I have been listening to Mad Dogs and Englishmen by Noel Coward for clues. Even better would be to somehow empower England to conquest. I suggest funnelling all our foreign aid to England with the caveat that it would be used solely for pre-democratic conquest. This would have the added benefit of taking some of the heat off us as the big bad international wolf. Domestically it would be a winner as well as most Americans don't really understand giving aid money to strange looking foreigners and would much rather give money to someone who talks our language (and with a big stick).
As for Thomas Friedman, I heard someone credit his vision by pointing out that, while the world may or may not be flat, a significant portion of the Middle East is now physically becoming so. Why o why, must they hide his mustachioed genius behind a subscription wall. Mr. Keller, tear down that wall....

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