Saturday, November 11, 2006

Save Britney's Marriage

When CNN sent out a Breaking News email on Election Day saying that Britney Spears was filing for divorce from her husband of two years, Kevin Federline, I didn't realize just how important this story was at first. But now that the election is over, the full the impact of this tragedy is finally sinking in. I'm beginning to think that this story may actually be more important than the election because what is at stake here may be our most fundamental and sacred values. When Republicans tried to pass the Federal Marriage Amendment last summer, their aim was to protect the institution of marriage, which is the basic building block of our society, from being destroyed by gay marriage. But if Republicans really want to save the institution of holy matrimony, they should start by saving Britney's marriage. There is one more lame-duck session of Congress left before the Democrats take over so this may be our last chance to stop this divorce and the copy-cat divorces that are sure to follow.

I have loved Britney since the day she turned 18 and not one day before. I thought she had found happiness with Kevin Federline, with whom she seemed to have a lot in common, and I believed that when she promised to stay with him "till death do us part," she really meant it this time, unlike with that guy she married in Las Vegas. Many young people across the country see Britney and K-Fed as role models because they prove that anyone, no matter what their backgrounds are or how much talent they have, can become successful in America. As a singer, a mother and a die-hard supporter of President Bush and the Republican Party she has been an inspiration to young people. What kind of a message would we be sending to our youth if we allow her to dump her husband just because sales of his album have been a little sluggish?

Ordinarily, the break-up of one marriage wouldn't be something that Congress would concern itself with. But last spring when the Federal government intervened to prevent Terry Schiavo's feeding tube from being removed, Republicans reversed centuries of aloofness from the day-to-day concerns of Americans' lives to show they really cared about all of us. In a desperate attempt to save her life, the House and Senate passed a bill transferring jurisdiction over Schiavo's case to Federal courts and President Bush rushed back to Washington from Texas to sign it. Ultimately their efforts failed, and this failure may have sparked doubts in the minds of many Americans about Republican leadership. Though it won't bring Terry back, saving Britney's marriage would give Republicans one last chance to redeem themselves in the eyes of the American people.

I don't know if Senator Bill Frist has gotten a chance to see the video on YouTube of Kevin Federline being served divorce papers by Britney via text message, but I'm sure that if he could summon the powers of video diagnosis he brought to Terry Schiavo's case, he could see that K-Fed seems to be suffering from real human emotions just like the rest of us. Though it is difficult to tell, there are moments when you seem to see a glimmer of pain in his eyes, which shows he really can respond to stimulus around him and is not brain dead as some have claimed.

One of the arguments opponents of gay marriage make is that every child needs exactly one mother and one father to grow up to be a healthy adult. Isn't it clear that Britney's and K-Fed's children also need a mother and a father? They need a mother who can provide them with all of the material goods they require, which their father can't provide, and they need a father who can pick them up without dropping them. I think it is clear that neither of them alone can provide the care essential to the well-being of these children.

If Republicans really want to protect the institution of marriage, and were not simply trying to ban gay marriage to use it as a wedge issue in the campaign, then they should prove their dedication to this cause by introducing the Defense of Britney's Marriage Act as the first order of business in the lame-duck session of Congress and President Bush should sign it. I am sure that Britney would have no problem with the Federal government intervening to stop her divorce since she once said, as depicted in the Michael Moore's film Farenheit 9/11, "Honestly, I think we should just trust our president in every decision he makes and should just support that, you know, and be faithful in what happens." So please write to your Congressmen and Senators and ask them to save Britney's and K-Fed's marriage now--before it is too late.

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Anonymous said...

Mind your own business, I only married this gal for her dough.

Anonymous said...

You married her to make bread?

Anonymous said...

Bingo. You've hit the hypocrites right on the head. Genius. Too bad most folks don't care about government intervention until it effects them.

Anonymous said...

I've gotta give K-Fed props for filing for sole custody of the kids.

Jerry said...

shoot, given that she's on record dropping her kids and driving around with them in her lap, what would you do?

I know nothing about this KFed dude, but I don't blame him.

Then again, maybe he just thinks he'll get a million bucks a year in child support...

Save Britney's marriage! Illegalize divorce!

«—U®Anu§—» said...

The country's outrage with convoluted thinking like this is what mobilized voters en masse to wrestle control of Congress from republicans last week. Just like George W. Bush and most any republican in Washington, I could see Britney and Keith's marriage was a stinker from a thousand miles away; but what they do about it is their own business. Let that be the lesson for young people.

Jaesoreal said...

I still look up to K-fed. I know that if I can just have a couple of kids out of wedlock then I can get me a pop supertar. And to think I was going to practice abstinence or use condoms!

Anonymous said...

It is the same hypocrisy that the religious right showed letting Ted Haggard speak against the evils of homosexuality to children at the Jesus Camp.
If homosexuality is so evil and a threat to marriage, why didn't they dismiss Haggard when they knew he was having an affair with a man instead of when it became public?

Anonymous said...

“You have heard the law that says, ‘A man can divorce his wife by merely giving her a written notice of divorce.’[n] 32 But I say that a man who divorces his wife, unless she has been unfaithful, causes her to commit adultery. And anyone who marries a divorced woman also commits adultery."


Matthiew 5:31

Anonymous said...

“If a man commits adultery with his neighbor’s wife, both the man and the woman who have committed adultery must be put to death."

Leviticus 20:10

Anonymous said...

K-Fed. how dumb is that? How just plain DUMB are these two overindulged brainless typically American celebrity nothings. Vulgar fat country, vulgar fat stupid people.

Anonymous said...

If this divorce goes through, my marriage will be shattered: I will be driven to humping dead cats, my children will become republican homosexual prostitute preachers and my formerly beloved wife of 25 years will take up golf. It must be stopped.

Hephaestion said...

Damn right! Britney & K-Fed's marriage is the very FABRIC of our society! If their marriage fails, we are ALL doomed!

Since the beginnings of time, marriage has consisted of the union of one tart and one pseudo-thug. If we change this, the whole world becomes unraveled.

Come on K-Fed and Brit: "If you can't fix it, you gotta stand it." -Ennis Del Mar

J said...


Anonymous said...

Amen to saving Britney's marriage! I am praying for her everyday. As the Lord Christ is my saviour, Britney's marriage must be preserved for Jesus to return, providing some of us with salvation. The rest of you can go burn in hell!

Deb said...

Priceless! Thanks for the laugh. I couldn't believe this story appeared in the headlines on election day, much less last longer than her first marriage.

harrogate said...

What's even more unfortunate than the divorce is that "K-Fed" still hasn't been recognized for his poetry, which is truly the second coming of Wordsworth. What is wrong with this electorate, anyway? First they vote in the communists and then they leave the great "K-Fed" out to dry at his concerts and don't buy his amazing record.

Anonymous said...

Wonderful post. I can't seem to get a trackback to show up, so..

Please, for the children

For the love of God, won't someone please think of the children?

harrogate said...

Please, for the children has a point. It's time Congress got tough on this.

Richard said...

Now that K-Fed is becoming Fed-ex, it should be clear that people live their own lives, make their own mistakes, and clean up or muddly through on their own afterwards.

They don't need soom stupid nosy idiots spouting ridiculous rules regarding who should do what when the idiots have no idea what the circumstances are. They especially don't need idiots screaming that the government should enforce imagined rules they think they read in a book written by barely literate shepherds to tell the history of a minor middle eastern tribe starting 3000 years ago, before even money was invented let alone national economies with telephones and TV.

Butt out, Swiftee. I realize they are making money by being celebraties, but it's still none of your business and you have nothing to offer that might help. Butt-inskys are always to be reviled, being much worse than the so-called problems they try to offer their ignorant solutions for.

Anonymous said...

Britney and K-Fed are perfect examples of why Congress needs to pass a law before the end of this session which requires anyone wanting to have children to have an IQ above 50.

Of course this means the George W. would not have been able to have children also.

Dr. Zaius said...

The secret to saving the marriage of Britney Spears and Kevin Federline is in their snack food! Federline loves Doritos, either regular or cool ranch flavored. Spears, on the other hand, is fond of Cheetos! An emergency congressional ammendment to create a new hybrid flavor, Cool Ranch Cheetos, will save the Empire! If only I can get this information to Lord Vader, er, Vice President Cheney in time!

Anonymous said...

Richard- you sound like a real prince. Do you beat your wife?

Tengrain said...

For the love of G-D, save this marriage. K-Fed has kept Britney "occupied" so that she has not inflicted us with her talent for the past couple of years, this must be considered for the common good.

Anonymous said...

Good riddance and props to Britney for leaving the dope, at last.

Why would you want anyone to stay with this guy, who considers 'marriage' an invitation to party elsewhere? She found him in bed with another woman, he parties all the time, he has 2 other children he ignores -- and she should stay with him because they're married?

Let them alone, already.

harrogate said...

And where's James Dobson when you really, really need him? Leviticus calls for the publiuc stoning of those who cimmit adultery, and that includes divorce. By that standrad both should already be dead anyway, as should most of us, including Dobson himself. Maybe Bob Dylan really was right, after all, when he opined that "everybody must get stoned."

And everyone inthis Christian Nation knows that if Leviticus says it then that's the way it is. Heroes like Dobson and Fred Phelps and George W. Bush and Rick Santorum have made this clear with their perpetual obsession over boys kissing. So, let us be consistent! Stone the hereticks!

Anonymous said...

I believe Dr. Dobson has his hands full ministering to Pastor Ted.

liquiddaddy said...


As a father of a girl, I agree Britney has many long-time fans consisting of middle-aged men. It is sad to see the adorable child we know all grown up, smoking and vamping around

The encouraging aspect to this catastrophe is that for some time now Britney has been employing stolid, caring responsible young men as "Mannies" to her hillbilly babies, like Sean Preston, and others, ( That way the struggling K-Fed is free to chase whores and drink too much with the boys, thus not cheating the kid's out of that phase of their healthy development. This worked for me and generations of other children, except mom didn't have to studly mannies to play pitch 'n catch, etc. (unless you include the nice older man down the street who gave us back rubs). If the couple found equilibrium in the marriage through this arrangement, why not now?

Alas, even if K-Fed stopped threatening to release an embaressing "sex tape," of their conubial love-making, I still don't believe the relationship can be saved. Jon, I fear this is just an old-fashioned problem of K-Fed not keeping Britney bare-foot and pregnant. She has the itch to go out of the house and work, which is the deal killer of all time.

Pete Blackwell said...

Swifty, thanks very much for the Weblog Awards nomination. I have a warm, tingling sensation.

I hope very much to proudly accept the Artist of the Millennium Award, which will be presented by Britney Spears (see how I wound up on the topic of this post?...).

Your readers may thrill at my original take on the now—sadly—defunct union of bliss. It's Brit & K-Fed as the slack-jawed yokels that they are. Uncanny.

Jessica Harwood said...

LOL Great post;)

Fausta said...

A great laugh

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