Friday, November 02, 2007

Jon Swift Nominated for a 2007 Weblog Award for Funniest Blog

In a year when Al Gore won an Oscar, an Emmy and the Nobel Peace Prize, you might think that awards have lost all of their meaning. But there is one one last chance to restore integrity to the award-giving process. The judges for the 2007 Weblog Awards have nominated this modest blog for an award in the category of Funniest Blog. Voting for my blog (which you can do here) will not restore the luster to Henry Kissinger's Nobel Peace Prize, which has been forever tainted by Gore's win, but it will send an important message that there are some prizes that Gore does not have a lock on, besides the Presidency, of course.

There are nine other nominees in my category and while none of them admit to being Al Gore, some, or all, of them may be Al Gore blogging under a pseudonym (which, he will be happy to know, thanks to the efforts of me and my friends on the blogosphere, would no longer bar him from having an account on Facebook). And there is no guarantee that if one of these other nominees wins, even if they aren't actually Al Gore, that they won't just turn around and hand their award over to Al Gore. I am the only nominee who has sworn an oath that if I win, I will not give it away to Al Gore no matter how much he begs me. So the only way to make absolutely sure that this award does not fall into Al Gore's hands is to vote for me.

If that is not reason enough to cast your vote for Jon Swift, let me also remind you that last year I was also nominated in this category but did not win. There is nothing more pathetic than a two-time loser. Another loss would not only put me on the road to becoming the Susan Lucci of the blogosphere, it would probably turn me into a bitter and twisted shell of a blogger and I know you don't want that to happen. For those of you who still insist that awards should be based on merit, however, I urge you to check out the Best of Jon Swift or take a look at some of these highlights from the past year:

  • Why Do Conservatives Like Larry Craig Seem So Gay? The more one looks at the evidence that Craig seems to be gay, the more one can see that it is really just evidence of being conservative. There are many attributes of conservatism that seem really gay and unfortunately the more we deny that we are gay, the gayer we seem.

  • Jonah Goldberg's Shining (with LOLcats) Most of Goldberg's ideas could be expressed much more economically, not to mention entertainingly, by using LOLcats, an Internet meme where pictures of cats and other cute animals are captioned with grammatically challenged prose. Conveniently, many cats look like Adolf Hitler.

  • I Am Paris Hilton How can we possibly have faith in the American system of justice when we see that despite having access to the best lawyers money can buy, Paris Hilton can be treated so cruelly? What hope do we have for the future when we see that even if we become a wealthy celebrity, we might still be subject to the harsh vagaries of the law. First they came for Paris Hilton and I did not speak up because I was not Paris Hilton.

  • Raising the Minimum Age for Porn Can a girl of 21 really know what she is consenting to when she signs a release form for a pornographer? Does she really understand what the ramifications might be later in life? That is why I propose that we raise the minimum age of consent to participate in pornography to 65.

  • Is Abstinence-Only Sex Education Too Explicit? Once you tell kids to abstain from sex until marriage, you have already told them too much. When kids start experimenting with abstaining, it should be no surprise that things can get out of hand and that they will move on to actually having sex.

  • When Giuliani Is President, Every Day Will Be 9/11 Isn't it unfair to judge a man on how he behaved on 22,930 days of his life instead of the day he was at his best?

  • Conservapedia Conservapedia is based on good Christian values, unlike Wikipedia, which I gather from the name, is based on Wiccan.

  • Tim Hardaway Makes Homophobia Look Bad In high school, athletes were often picked on by acerbic gay wits who cruelly ridiculed them with jokes that went over their heads, while girls, who thought of them as little more than slabs of muscle to accompany them to school dances, giggled behind their backs.

  • Anna Nicole Smith: America's Princess Di Her name will forever live on in the halls of justice for her victory in the landmark Supreme Court case Marshall v. Marshall, which struck a blow for the rights of millions of young widows of elderly billionaire husbands.

  • Blogrolling The more I learned about this Amnesty Day, the more I realized that it was a very strange amnesty indeed. The amnesty [Atrios] granted turned out to be amnesty for himself. He wanted to assuage himself of the guilt he might feel at kicking blogs off his blogroll instead of granting amnesty to others to swarm across the border into his domain.

  • Breaking News: Michael Ledeen Is Dead Sadly, Ledeen did not live to see his greatest scoop vindicated: his report that the Iranian leader Ayatollah Ali Khamenei was dead. Or if he hadn't actually died, was dying. If not right at the moment, then eventually.

  • Who Needs Books? For a long time I have been saying that actually reading books is overrated. Now I have an unlikely ally: librarians.

  • Time Magazine's 2006 Person of the Year I think if Time was going to choose a pronoun as Person of the Year, the best choice would have been Them. More and more people see the world as Us against Them. They seem to hate us for some reason. And lately we haven't been so fond of them either.

  • Vote Here for Jon Swift for Funniest Blog

    Everyone is permitted to vote once a day until November 8. The Weblog Awards system, which is impervious to hacking by all but the most sophisticated Indian teenagers, will not let you vote again if you have already voted on the same computer in the preceding 24 hours.

    Of course, there are a number of other fine blogs that have been nominated in other categories and I would like to highlight a few blogs from my blogroll that I think also deserve your support:

    Best Literature Blog
    Even though I don't read books, this category features five great blogs from my blogroll: Maud Newton, Classical Bookworm, Erik Hare, Writer's Block (to which I owe a great deal of gratitude for giving me an award for my piece "Who Needs Books?") and last, but certainly not least, Diary of a Heretic by my dear friend and frequent commenter Kathleen Maher, who has labored in undeserved obscurity long enough.

    Best UK Blog
    Speaking of obscurity, Nourishing Obscurity is not only the best British Blog, its proprietor is also the generous and hardworking founder of Blogpower a worthy organization dedicated to giving a voice to smaller blogs and one of my favorite people in the blogosphere. If blogging had a Jean Hersholt Humanitarian Award, he would surely win it.

    Best Culture Blog
    Is there a better writer on film on the Internet today than the always scintillating Self-Styled Siren? I can't think of one.

    Best Middle East or Africa Blog
    Eatbees writes about places I hope I never have to visit in a way that is always fascinating to read. And as far as I know, he's not on any Homeland Security watch lists.

    Best European Blog (Non UK)
    Even though Michael Van Der Galien comes from what Donald Rumsfeld called "Old Europe" he is surprisingly knowledgeable about what's happening now.

    Best Diarist
    I love reading about the adventures of Robin Slick and her cool rock-star children. Apparently, she thinks I'm someone famous. I don't have the heart to tell her that I'm actually not Brad Pitt, despite the resemblance.

    Best Education Blog
    I believe the Van Halen song "Hot for Teacher" was originally written as a tribute to NYC Educator, though I might be mistaken.

    Best Video Blog
    The fact that Crooks & Liars actually let a conservative like myself guest blog says a lot about the fine folks there, but I would also like to put in a word for a very worthy dark horse candidate Hot Potato Mash, who not only posts some great videos, he produces many of them himself.

    Best LGBT Blog
    I have no idea what LGBT stands for but it must must be something good judging by the caliber of blogs in this category, including Republic of T, Pam's House Blend, Susie Bright's Journal and Fetch me my axe.

    Best Political Coverage
    I think the folks at Foreign Policy Watch may even be smarter than the experts in the State Department, which is high praise indeed.

    Best Science Blog
    Science is dead but Pharyngula refuses to stop blogging about it. You have to admire his persistence.
    Unlike some other online communities, which I am too polite to name, Maryscott O'Connor's My Left Wing actually seems like a democracy instead of a medieval kingdom run by a feudel lord. Still, I think she may be taking this free speech thing too far.

    Best Liberal Blog
    Even though I am a conservative, some of my best friends on the blogosphere are liberals (since I'm completely colorblind I'm not sure, however, if some of my best friends are black). I'm going to have a hard time choosing from among such blogs as Shakesville, skippy the bush kangaroo, Orcinus, Glenn Greenwald's Unclaimed Territory, Hullabaloo and Pandagon.

    Best Blog
    Joe Gandelman at The Moderate Voice and Ed Morrissey of Captain's Quarters are without a doubt two of the nicest, most honorable and most talented bloggers in the blogosphere and I am proud to call them my friends even though they believe, oddly, that political opponents should be treated with decency, an idea that seems almost quaint in this day and age. (Unfortunately, for technical reasons The Moderate Voice has been moved to the Best of the Top 251 - 500 Blogs category.) Captain's Quarters is also nominated for Best Conservative Blog.

    There are a number of great blogs on our blogroll in the TTLB categories. I don't think I'm the only one who is going to have a hard time choosing.

    Best of the Top 250 Blogs

    Bitch Ph.D., Jesus' General, Balloon Juice, and MY Vast Right Wing Conspiracy

    Best of the Top 251 - 500 Blogs

    The Moderate Voice, Tbogg, The Carpetbagger Report, Feministe, and Fausta

    Best of the Top 501 - 1000 Blogs

    Avedon Carol's The Sideshow, The Poor Man Institute, Woman Honor Thyself, The Smirking Chimp, and Agonist

    Best of the Top 1001 - 1750 Blogs

    Newshoggers, Obsidian Wings, Slacktivist, Dispatches from the Culture Wars, and Echidne of the Snakes

    Best of the Top 2501 - 3500 Blogs

    Booker Rising, Creek Running North, A Tiny Revolution, driftglass, and Acephalous

    Best of the Top 3501 - 5000 Blogs

    Streak's Blog, (parenthetical remarks), Ken Levine, Prometheus 6, The Galloping Beaver, and Dr. Joan Bushwell's Chimpanzee Refuge

    Best of the Top 5001 - 6750 Blogs

    The Debate Link, Whiskey Fire, Gay Orbit, The Field Negro, Simply Left Behind, and Three Wise Men!

    Best of the Top 6751 - 8750 Blogs

    Jack and Jill Politics, Abnormal Interests, Reno and Its Discontents, HE&OS--Home Education & Other Stuff, and Scholars & Rogues

    Best of the Rest of the Blogs (8751+)

    Kiko's House, Political Grind, and konagod

    If I've left off any nominees who are on my blogroll, please let me know.

    Vote here for Jon Swift for Funniest Blog

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    Susie Bright said...

    Jon, you should also be nominated for Most Generous and Secretly Nicest blogger. As for funny, I feel sorry for your competition; they must feel like it's hopeless.

    I kinda do want to see you as Susan Lucci, though. If you lose, I think you have to dress up in Lucci drag and post the photo. If you win, we want to see a real photo!

    your devoted acolyte, Susie

    Anonymous said...

    Lance Mannion needs to be the best culture blog. Or best blog. The guy is amazing.

    And of course, you get my vote for funniest -- only blogger who makes me laugh out loud consistently.

    Michael van der Galiën said...

    "Even though Michael Van Der Galien comes from what Donald Rumsfeld called "Old Europe" he is surprisingly knowledgeable about what's happening now."

    Jon, thanks so much man. Appreciate that. Also saw you nominated me in the comment sections there; awesome, thanks.

    I'll publish a post 'endorsing' people tomorrow, and although you are my favorite conservative blogger, it seems that you were only nominated for the best humor blog (which I don't quite get, but hey, any award is better than no award).

    Micgar said...

    You definitely have my vote! Like apostate said-you are laugh out loud funny. Not just smirking while clicking funny.

    James Higham said...

    Jon, this is more than kind. Everything is now in place at my site and at Blogpower and let's hope we do OK.

    I'll be pushing it daily. Starts tonight you say?

    RobinSlick said...

    Why thank you, Jon. And many thanks for the nomination - I was totally unaware until I...gag...vanity googled myself.

    Too funny, though - my idea of famous is decidedly not Brad Pitt.

    P.S. My rock star kids are playing in NYC on March 13. Wanna be guest listed? Under "Jon Swift" of course...

    Unknown said...

    "Labored in obscurity long enough"

    Music to my ears, Jon, and quite possibly, though I hope not, the funniest thing you've ever said!

    I second the absence of Lance, and many, many others: bloggers are great.

    WomanHonorThyself said...

    wowza well deserved!!!!!..booyah!!

    Batocchio said...

    I was all set to vote for you, but I thought it was for best conservative blog! ;-)

    Dee Paolina said...

    Thanks for the shoutout. I didn't know anything about being nominated until I saw my blog listed in your post.

    I voted for you, of course. We conservatives have to stick together. But how did your blog come to be misplaced in the "comedy" category? Surely the owners of the awards haven't decided that modern day conservatism is a joke.

    Daryl Cobranchi

    WomanHonorThyself said...

    Hope u received my email Jon..I wanted to give ya credit for nominating me..if u great news ..You will win hands down!...youre the best kept secret on the Internet!

    Carl said...

    Mr Swift, sir,

    I voted for your blog, and thank you for listing my humble abode, Simply Left Behind, in your list. I am thrilled to be in your esteemed and illustrious company, if for a far lesser honor in terms of magnitude than yours.

    Trickle down economics works!

    Anonymous said...

    Dear Swifty

    How can I vote for you as funniest blog while Michelle Malkin is out there?
    Not possible, buddy.

    moneymonk said...

    I'm getting out the vote for you, Jon. I've got Florsheims on the ground in 50 states. They’re hacking Diebold machines, castrating hanging chads, slandering the competition’s children, jamming the Net tubes, demanding ID. Actually, you're better off not knowing it all, Jon. As I write this, my operatives are driving short buses full of evangelicals to the bunker where the votes for the 2007 Weblog Awards Funniest Blog will be counted. They’re hopped up on scripture and puffy-paint. They’re fanny packs are bloated from mini Kleenex and welling with the undeniable thrust of destiny. They're going to scream, and chant, and bleat, and pray, and bawl, and remind your co-nominees that they are cry babies; they are sore losers, sodomites, gomorahnoids. They are standing-in the way of destiny, Jon. They're trying to steal what is rightfully yours. For the sake of the blogosphere, we need a winner now. They're not going to wait anymore, Jon. The blogoshere cannot be without a Funniest Weblog. Even for a moment, Jon. We are not going to let that happen. We all know who The Chosen One is. God speed you, Jon Swift! God speed!

    RobinSlick said...

    I'm getting clobbered by Army Wife Toddler Mom in the Diarist division.

    There's something just not right about that.

    Ha ha - oh well, it's either that or get beat out by the 84 year old who cites Bible passages.

    Either way, I am doomed.

    P.S. but I will continue to vote for you every day anyway, despite that raging liberal thing I have going

    Dave said...

    Yup! You've got my vote... daily. And I've promoted you to all my readers. (That should get you another vote).

    Well done, Jon!

    PoliShifter said...

    I'm thinking of starting my own weblogging award and declaring myself winner.

    Anonymous said...

    Polshifter, you should try it it really worked for my. I started by declaring myself Chile's Favorite Blog and now I'm trying to expand regionally.

    Vote For Chileno!

    I just Voted for Jon - Jon, you are the funniest :-)

    Swearing Mother said...

    You are quite right when you say that Nourishing Obscurity is the best UK blog.

    It's the only thing that momentarily stops me swearing. Or sometimes encourages me to.

    OutOfContext said...

    I voted for you, of course, but so what? This is going to pale next to your Medal of Freedom.

    PALGOLAK said...

    Judging by the results so far, you need to post something funny, really, *really* soon.

    The results I saw had you at 9.6% for funniest blog.

    May I suggest something about the contras and Nicaragua? That is some fertile, febrile, and totally unexplored conservative-irony ground, my friend.

    HopeSpringsATurtle said...

    Sadly, no Jon. I was not inadvertently left off your list of finalists. I was nominated, which is an honor, but alas did not make the final cut.

    When I checked the "readability" of my blog on some site which I have blocked from memory, it reported one had only to possess the intelligence of a jr. high schooler to read at my place.

    I voted for you, second year in a row, and hope to be sipping champagne on Nov. 8th when your victory is announced.

    I'm off to finish my evening reading of The Catcher in the Rye.

    Anonymous said...

    I went and checked out the other two blogs that are getting more votes than Jon. They seriously sucked. I didn't even crack a smile, and it's quite true that Jon not only makes me laugh out loud, he also makes me marvel at his considerable talent.

    I'm disappointed in the Voice of the People, as usual.

    James Higham said...

    Jon, I'm running live blogging in the sidebar. You're doing much better than I am but you need many more votes in your category.

    Anonymous said...

    I just recently found your blog, thanks to the weblog awards, and I have to say, Mr. Swift, that you are an absolute genius! I love your site.

    I have to confess, as a reasonable conservative myself, I was a little skeptical that you could be a reasonable conservative, when you follow such left-wing media outlets as Fox News and Rush Limbaugh. But I have looked through your posts, and must admit that you are, nevertheless, eminently reasonable. Other commenters here have noted the oddity of your nomination for "Funniest blog," rather than "Best conservative blog." I was myself a little confused by this, since, looking through your blog, you seem to only very rarely make jokes or engage in satire---and really, although it pains me to say this, your jokes are very rarely funny, and you should restrict yourself to your insightful conservative commentary. However, I have noticed that often in the comments to your posts, there are comments by angry liberals who take issue with your commentary. These comments are extremely funny, since I often feel that these angry liberals have failed to understand that fine points you make in your posts. And angry liberals are always funny! Perhaps these comments are responsible for your nomination as "funniest blog"?

    Well, I'm a little confused as to the reasons, but in all sincerity, I will definitely be voting for you for "funniest blog" every day of the week. This blog is awesome.

    moneymonk said...

    It's not looking so good in the polls, Jon. It seems that, as usual, The People don't know their own destiny. No matter. We still have the Supreme Court and the Equal Protection Clause of the 14th Amendment on our side. What's Justice Thomas' cell number? He owes you one.

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    Dr. KMK Varma said...

    Thanks for sharing that. It was fun reading it. :-)

    Heart Murmur said...

    That was a VERY interesting one! Seriously interesting.

    The 2008 Weblog Awards