Wednesday, June 04, 2008

McCain: Make Sure You Have the Right Change

"Things are more like they are today than they have ever been before," President Dwight D. Eisenhower once remarked, and never have those words been truer than they are today. But along comes Barack Obama threatening to make things different than they are today and the only man who can stop him now is John McCain. In a moving and inspiring speech yesterday McCain warned that America must make a choice "between the right change and the wrong change."

Like many senior citizens, McCain knows what he is talking about. A lot of young whippersnappers who grew up with calculators and studied New Math in school can barely count, and if you don't make sure you have the right change before you walk away from the cash register, they will accuse you of trying to cheat, so you have to count it right in front of them. And I don't think it is racist to point out that a lot of the hired help in stores these days are minorities, who have not gone to the best schools. McCain would be the kind of President who would count America's change and not be afraid to point out when we have been shortchanged, even if he has to ask the cashier to call the manager and make a scene.

It seems like all we have heard about in this election is how America wants change, but as John McCain pointed out in his speech, speaking very slowly and patiently and enunciating all of his words to make sure we all understood what he was saying, not all change is good. In fact, generally Americans don't like too much change. We like to go out once a week for the Early Bird Special and order the exact same thing every time. It's very economical and gives us a break in our routine. We would be very upset if it was discontinued and we had to order off the regular menu, which would still be more expensive even with coupons we clipped out of the newspaper. That kind of change would not be welcome at all.

That is not to say all change is bad. A change of underwear, for example, is good, especially when it gets soiled as sometimes happens accidentally when we get on in years. But do we really need a trendy new wardrobe when the one we have had for 20 years suits us fine, even though the colors have faded a bit and the material is a little frayed and a few buttons are missing? Sure, you might have to let out the pants a little but there's still a lot of wear in them.

And why do we need to buy a flashy new car when our old Studebaker is still running? Maybe it needs a new paint job but the engine still runs pretty well with a few adjustments. Even though the car may sputter a bit and not get the best gas mileage, that's no reason to turn it in for some shoddily made new car that will break down after a few years. Don't listen to that slick car salesman, McCain is telling us and we should heed his warning.

Change is risky. When you change things there is always a chance that they could get worse. Although some people can't afford to see doctors now, if Obama was elected and gave everyone health care, some of the people who couldn't afford to see doctors now might end up going to quacks who would amputate their limbs or make them even sicker with untested drugs. Then they would be worse off than they are now. As McCain pointed out in his speech we could even go backward if we didn't have the right kind of change.

We don't need to take a risk on a President who could make things even worse than they already are. We need a President like McCain who, when the telephone rings at 3:00 in the afternoon, waking him up from his nap, would be ready to answer it and solve whatever crisis needed to be solved. Unlike the inexperienced Obama, McCain was born the day before yesterday and he's forgotten more than Obama knows. He's seen a lot of slick-talking con men in his day, promising to make things better before they slipped out of town absconding with his money and he knows that the only change you can really believe in is hardly any change at all. That's the kind of change America deserves. Why fix something that isn't broke? America may be getting on in years and may not be as quick on its feet as it used to be but let's not trade it in for a brand-new America when the old one works just fine.

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Anonymous said...

haha. the two old men looks so funny!!!

OutOfContext said...

I'm pretty confident McCain will get the right change for America, I'm just worried he won't keep those kids off our lawn. I'm afraid he might even give them their ball back.

Patricia said...

One thing you can be sure of - McCain won't be telling us to keep the change.

slag said...

"even if he has to ask the cashier to call the manager and make a scene."
I don't know what part of your wild, crazy imagination makes you think these things up, but we all know that never happens.

Anonymous said...

I couldn't stop laughing and I kept saying to myself as I read this: "Oh no, he didn't. Oh no, he didn't go there! He did! He did!"

Brilliant. Absolutely brilliant.

Unknown said...

I couldn't agree with more about McCain. But unlike him and you, I'm desperate for big, big change--the kind of change for which any decent heretic gladly risks hell. Or if not hell, you know, as in war, then certainly lifelong shunning and perhaps even a public death.
You old guys may remember those. Change the system and you can flay me alive.

Anonymous said...

Naps are a good thing. Of course Olly did some bad things while the Gipper was napping, but McCain could hire a staff of people his own age to run the White House. Then they would all nap together and no young whippersnappers would be trying to get away with anything while he was asleep.

Anonymous said...

John Smith FTW!

El Cid said...

Hilarious and on point, but...

...I'm at least old enough to remember that a couple of decades ago, it was John McCain himself and his fellow slick talking salesmen who absconded with the entire Savings & Loan portion of our banking industry. (Keating 5 without McCain would have been Keating 4.)

Now, that was change we didn't need. Maybe $300 BILLION's worth in 1990 dollars.

Bukko Boomeranger said...

Spoken like a true conservative! Has McCain chosen his vice president yet? Because I think we have a contender here! Or at least chief speechwriter. That might be a way to make this website pay. Those years of underappreciated conservative blogging? Just a tryout for a spot with the team of the next president of the United States!

Rightwingsnarkle said...

You're absolutely right, Mister Swift.

Why, when I was a youngster we didn't have any of these newfangled teevees or computers or cell phones or nothing.

When we wanted to talk to someone we went over to their house and sat on their porch and waited for them to show up, and when they didn't show we just went inside, but we didn't steal anything because there wasn't anything to steal, and so we went home again and we never did get to talk, but that's the way it was and we liked it! (pounds hard on table one time)

liquiddaddy said...


I have designed a line of presidential sans-a-belt jumpsuits for President McCain, that have beautiful vinyl epilauts and come in blue, deep blue, and burnt orange. They go great with a smart-looking yachting cap and topsiders.

I wonder if you think I should sew in some padding to bulk up you-know-where?


Bob King said...

Why settle for that fake, fleeting and possibly toxic "new president smell" when you can have that genuine "old man smell?" They don't sell that in cans, so you KNOW it's authentic!

Anonymous said...

What we need in America right now is exact change. Which is where a presidential change purse comes in handy. I think we all know that McCain's got Obama on this one.

Anonymous said...

Calls to mind one of the best Onion headlines ever.

Micgar said...

In my day, we didn't have little whippersnappers like Obama-giving all the needed health care away like candy. We had hammers, pliers, and kerosene, thank you very much, and we liked it!!

snowpea said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

Snowpea, it takes one to know two. So what does that say about you????

Ray Bridges said...

I do notice that the older one gets the more likely he'll use EXACT change, even if it takes a few minutes to find all of those pennies.

Representative Kimble said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Distributorcap said...

he did change wives

Anonymous said...

Oh, McCain changed wives, huh? YAWN. Do give up your day job, Mr. Toast, with the Obama campaign. Your icon matches what Snobama is, at least.

Yeah, McCain changed wives. SO DID KERRY. The Dems already acclimated us disgruntled wimmin to voting for aging white guys who dump their wives due to their own waning hormones. So.

Besides. We aren't about to cast the first stone on those suffering from hormonal imbalances.

Ah, Jon Swift. You are back. Praise Melissa!

But what is left for you to do? When Obamboozle himself leaves us weak with laughter with Freudian slips about breathalyzers and then snaps at the audience to shut up because he can't hear himself think and he's so tired and without waffles.

And it's not even 3 am.

I'm afraid Snobama will write his own jokes and stellar wit will suffer.

The Truffle said...

A change from Obama to Bush is kind of like a change from those ugly red long johns to those tacky boxer shorts with the polka dots that you inexplicably got as a Christmas present.

BTW, John McCain looks like Warren G. Harding. Is this a good or a bad thing?

Lendi D. said...

Unfortunately for you sir, we need change from the poor geezers. You guys gave it a great run and all, but Generation Y demands a "young whippersnapper" such as Obama because it is time for positive, reforming changes in America. It's 2008, not 1958. Times have changed, and trying to keep the old guy in just to "teach the kids to get off lawns" and whatnot really doesn't solve anything.

Because of your party, the economy is lousy, we're spending 10 billion dollars A MONTH on a war in which the other county doesn't need us, and is in fact making a surplus.

The old guys have had their run, but it's time to "out with the old, in with the new" it.

And honestly, do you really want PALIN to be president if McCain croaks? I don't want anyone to be able to be president. If I did, I'd get some homeless guy in Atlanta and put him on a stage with a flag. Being a sports journalists and a mayor turned gov. doesn't qualify to run a country.

Give it some thought- we whippersnappers actually know what we're doing, because we'll be taking care of you.

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