Thursday, September 25, 2008

Let’s Suspend the Whole Election

Although I had to temporarily suspend my blog for a while in order to fix the nation’s economy, now that John McCain is on the case, I am finally able once again to turn my attention back to blogging. It is true that McCain once said, “The issue of economics is not something I’ve understood as well as I should. I’ve got Greenspan’s book,” but I think we can all agree that we are better off having McCain single-handedly solving our financial crisis than this modest blogger. And he has probably finished Greenspan’s book by now, which I have not actually read. But as usual John McCain is being entirely too cautious and humble by merely suspending his campaign and postponing the debates to get our economy running again. McCain is not by nature one to be rash and impulsive, but I think it’s time for him to throw caution to the wind for a change and ask Barack Obama to agree to suspend the entire election.

I have been very concerned that with John McCain out on the campaign trail for the last year a lot of pressing problems aren’t getting solved. One of the reasons we may be in this economic mess in the first place is that McCain was too busy campaigning to prevent it from happening. Once McCain is no longer distracted by such weighty campaign issues as whether Obama insulted Sarah Palin when he referred to “lipstick on a pig” or why Obama wants to teach sex education to Kindergartners, he can finally focus on fixing the economy.

But our economy is not the only problem that needs John McCain’s laser-like focus and once he personally gets us out of this economic mess, there are other pressing problems needing his attention that will require even more campaign postponements. It will take at least a few days for McCain to discover new sources of renewable energy and end our dependence on Mideast oil. And I’m sure the Obama campaign won’t begrudge Sen. McCain the time he needs to find Osama Bin Laden and win the War on Terror, which could take another week. I don’t think it will take McCain more than a day or two to stabilize Iraq and Afghanistan and start bringing our troops home, but solving the immigration problem might be a little more thorny and time consuming, what with the logistics involved in rounding up all of the illegal immigrants and deporting them. No doubt McCain will want to waste a few days thinking about global warming, which I don’t even think exists, but he thinks is a big problem. And by the time McCain gets around to curing cancer it will probably be November already.

Would it really be fair to go on with the election when Obama has been campaigning the whole time McCain has been fixing America’s problems? And I don’t think most Americans would mind letting George Bush stay in office a little longer, which will give us a little more time to steel ourselves and get ready for all the changes John McCain has in store for us when he does get elected. Electing McCain in November might not give Americans enough time to adjust to such a radical transformation from the last eight years. I think Americans would welcome a bit of a breather first.

Obama has rejected McCain’s call for suspending the campaign and postponing this Friday’s presidential debate, saying, "I think that it is going to be part of the president's job to deal with more than one thing at once." Obama’s response was telling. Do we really want a President who is not going to be focused, who will not be able to put all of his attention into solving one problem at a time? I don’t think it is Obama’s fault that he has such a short attention span. He grew up watching television and came of age in an era of computer multitasking. John McCain was born before television even existed and he barely knows what a computer is. We need a President like McCain who will not be distracted by trying to take on a new crisis every day but will have the discipline to put everything else aside and concentrate on a problem before taking a short nap and going on to the next one.

Some people (such as David Letterman) have said that McCain doesn’t need to suspend his campaign, that while he is busy meditating on how to fix the economy in his Washington retreat, he could turn over the reigns to Sarah Palin. I’m sure that she would do a fine job campaigning for McCain around the country, holding town meetings with typical Americans who have not been prescreened and giving unscripted news conferences, but I think McCain is going to need Palin’s expertise on economics and foreign policy and he will want her at his side giving him advice, which is why he chose her in the first place. (Of course, this just points up another difference between McCain and Obama: McCain chose someone who can help him govern, while Obama clearly chose Biden just to help him win Delaware’s electoral votes.)

McCain wants to reschedule the first presidential debate for the day the vice-presidential debate now happens to be scheduled. Although I think this is optimistic on McCain’s part as I think he’ll still be working to solve the nation’s problems at that point, it does give some insight into McCain’s sense of fair play. The McCain campaign could have proposed moving the vice presidential debate up to Friday instead of postponing it indefinitely but that would not have been fair to Joe Biden, who probably would not have been ready to debate Palin so soon. Say what you will about John McCain, he is a man who fights fair and doesn’t go in for cheap political stunts and gimmicks.

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Anonymous said...

Mr Swift,

May I be the first (or at least among the first) to express my relief and delight at your return to the blogosphere, which has been entirely lacking in reasonableness and, dare I say, conservatism in recent months.


Your most avid reader.

Anonymous said...

Well! I see you've finally decided to take my threats of non-payment seriously, and have returned to do the job that we've been paying you to do.

I understand you took a lot of heat for that ill-considered April Fool's "joke," but I think you've lain low long enough.

Today's analysis was incisive and thoughtful. Now get to work on the next one! Chop-chop, man!

Anonymous said...

I must say you write with wit, satire and voluminous verbosity. Refreshing from the dittohead pablum we see on a daily basis that blogs us down. Kudos!

J. said...

I am in complete agreement, sir, and am looking forward to Senator McCain taking some time out from the campaign to focus on what's really important. With his maverick-like tenacity and grasp of the issues, he is sure to come up with solutions to the current financial mess (just like he did with that annoying savings and loan mess), global warming (protect the polar bears!), and safely getting us out of Iraq (let's surge outta there!) in no time -- even with his afternoon nap.

Unknown said...

Call me Cassandra, times two. No one listened to her. No one know I exist. Yet, I can tell you what McCain's behavior portends.
First the debates are off. He has more pressing business. Then he will forfeit the election. He'll forfeit because naturally he's got other stuff to do. But when push comes to shove--and it kind of has--the man will not blink before our nation. He'll shake his head and say, "Sarah and I are not worthy."

Anonymous said...

two questions for you:

are you serious? and;

who pays to you to write this drivel?

not only is what you suggest grossly unconstitutional, it reflects how poorly you understand this entire "democratic process" thing. So please, go get a 5th grade social studies book, and read up on how it actually works.

have a great day!

Anonymous said...

Sterling Work Mr Swift. Indeed uncertain times. If things went badly wrong the US is one heart attack from 'mommy' running the country. Or to put it another very close to a President named Joe.

Anonymous said...

Suspension of the campaign will also allow Ms. Palin to catch up on her paperwork, which she has apparently neglected.

Unknown said...

This is too true, and soo insightful. For too long has democracy been bogged down with the silliness of voting. We must let these guys fix these problems without wasting time on debates and such. Just look at the money they spend on these things - all that money could have been spent on Wall Street instead. I say we use the example set by forward thinking leaders of nations like Zimbabwe - they don't bother with elections - or hold mock ones to make everyone feel good. Do you think Mugabe is interested in debates - no - he is more interested in solving problems in his country ... for life.

Anonymous said...

Bravo. Delighted & Relieved by Your Return.

Only many Swiftian kicks can save us from the Doofus Ticket.

Comrade Kevin said...

I've been trying to suspend my disbelief with John McCain. It doesn't seem to be working.

Anonymous said...

Breaking News: Cheney Suspends 2008 Election!

Tomorrow's news today:

(AP) - Saying the issues confronting America "are too important for partisan politics," current Vice President Dick Cheney today suspended the 2008 presidential election and said he would assume the presidency on Monday to begin the hard work of governing.

"At this time of domestic and foreign peril, the American people deserve better than a nasty partisan campaign," Vice President Cheney said in a statement today. "That is why I am suspending the presidential race between Senators Obama and McCain and moving into the Oval Office this weekend. It is time to put governing ahead of petty politics once and for all."

"Don't Bother Me With the Facts, I Am the Constitution"...... Cheney.

Anonymous said...

Oh yes just suspend everything because McCain wants to play big boy. Hey, the man is NOT PRESIDENT, NOT TREASURY SEC, in fact he is one of 100 senators. This is all reminicent of the race in which George Bush had to be chased to debate.
he is afraid to debate Obama - WHY, because he won't have any pre-written notes in front of him and he's terrified of Obama's skills on TV for 90 minutes.
Now he wants to postpone the Palin/Biden debate as well. Oh yes, why not just suspend the election on nov 4 and wait a few years.
The man and his VEEP are CHICKENS THAT NEED TO BE EXPOSED FOR WHAT THEY ARE. They can't face Obama in debates because they have nothing to offer.

James Stripes said...

Now that you're writing again, I think the economy will recover quickly. We might not even need the largest single gift of corporate welfare since the railroad land grants.


Anonymous said...

Great to see you back, Jon!

@slid viscous: I'm so happy to see that the humorectomy was successful.

Anonymous said...

The only way we can realistically solve the economic crisis we're in is to not only completely de-regulate the economy, but also ban elections, so that President Bush can prevent any nonsensical claptrap by liberals coming to life. President Palin, with Vice President McCain, shall rule our economy by letting it take care of itself, just as it was done in the old days, and instead shall focus on the Islamists and the Secular Humanists.

Anonymous said...

It's been way too long.

Anonymous said...


Anonymous said...

Good to see you back.

C. Miller

Anonymous said...

Bravo! Here's an interesting twist: Former President Clinton coming to John McCain's defense! Can you think of a better under the table surrogate than his majesty?. I guess he is still trying to elect his his wife. I don't however care about his motives, so long as he keeps up the good work for McCain.

Anonymous said...

WELCOME BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

We all missed you so much.

Anonymous said...

Welcome back! Things sure got screwed up while you were gone. If you leave again, we'll kill you.

Naw, I'm kidding! But expect pain.

(note that I have a new blog, Barataria. a lot happened.)

observer said...

Mr Smith,

Why don't you just tell us that McCain is panicked? He doesn't know what to say on Friday,an therefore wants the debate to be postponed. I think this is an easy way to avoid a fight with your opponent who is more prepared and ready to unleash blows on you. McCain is not ready to debate Obama and talk to the people of America. He's simply not ready or too old to be president.

Mr. Smith, you should say this when next you get paid.

Anonymous said...

Dude, it is completely unreasonable for you to disappear for so long like this. We demand regular posts, motherfucker!

Anonymous said...

I would be so honored if you would add me to your blogroll
Let me know and I will do the same.
Thanks, Evan

Anonymous said...

Dear Mr. Swift:

As usual, congratulations for a well-thought, modest, and fair proposal.

May I go one step further and suggest suspending the economy until after Senator Mc Cain saves it?

In fact, why not declare a general time out across the board?
Let us suspend climate change, war on terror, immigration, etc.
And cut water to the kitchen sink as well.

Wouldn't this wise move put the electorate in the right freeze-frame of mind to accept the inevitable leadership of our maverick candidate?

As in: 'Ave Caesar, MORATORI te salutant'...

Carl said...

Sir, I was mortified at the way that evil witch, Catie Kouric, ravaged our heroin, Sarah Palin! I was outraged that she asked her questions that have no business being asked of a governor...have you ever had foreign relations??? ExCUSE me?

It's not as if Kouric herself is a virgin? Where does she get off thinking she can smear the reputation of our heroin like that????

Micgar said...

Jon-phew! I am so glad you're back! Please keep up your unconstitutional work on our democratic process-we missed it for sooooo long!

Anonymous said...

Dude, That's so unconstitutional! I love it.

Welcome back (again)

Anonymous said...

thanks jon for stimulating my econony

*wink* *wink*

crf said...

I think we should let America be run by that UnderArmor guy who shouts:
We are UnderArmor The Foootuuuur is Ours.

He's got the muscle and the attitude and thousands of rabid friends. These guys would put America First before some Wall Street pencil could Hope to Change his socks.

jurassicpork said...

Well, thank God for your return. I was beginning to wonder who would counter the evil Clinton's record of wicked peace and prosperity.

Welcome back into the fold, O Poor Man's Stephen Colbert!

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