Sunday, November 02, 2008

Why McCain Will Win

The pundits have gotten everything wrong this election year, from prematurely writing John McCain’s political obituary to declaring Hillary Clinton the Democrat nominee to celebrating Fred Thompson as the second coming of Ronald Reagan. But none of these blunders compares to the egg they will be wearing on their faces when the election results roll in this Tuesday, and John McCain becomes the next President of the United States. I think most of the major demographic groups are going to break for McCain, but you don’t have to wait for the Wednesday morning quarterbacking to find out why this will happen because I’m going to tell you right now.

Young People Won’t Show Up To Vote Because They Are Lazy and Stupid

I don’t know who on Obama’s campaign had the bright idea to base their campaign strategy on a huge turnout of young people. Have they actually met any young people? Let’s face it, young people today are the least reliable, laziest, stupidest generation in our nation’s history. If we had known that baby boomers would end up spawning such spoiled, self-absorbed progeny, we would have had them all sterilized. Historically, young people don’t show up to vote, anyway, but this year promises to be even worse. Just as Obama Girl couldn’t manage to vote in the primary because she had to wash her hair or something, most young people won’t be able to summon up the energy to get out of bed or stop playing their video games long enough to show up and vote for Obama. I’d be surprised if these dimwits even know how voting works. On Election Day, I expect, millions of young people will be frantically texting their friends trying to find out the number of the Obama hotline to call to cast their vote. Unfortunately, these idiots are our future. I hope I die before they get old.

Jews, Like Horses, Are Easily Frightened

The McCain campaign has finally hit on a strategy that works: scaring the Jews. It’s a sure-fire strategy because jittery Jews are the most easily frightened people on earth. Boo! If you’re Jewish, you probably jumped just reading that last sentence. It really doesn’t take much. All you have to do is insinuate that somebody knows somebody who might possibly be anti-Semitic and Jews will stampede in the other direction. You don't really need any evidence. Jews have already done half the work themselves by sending around scary emails to each other about how Obama is bad for the Jews because he will destroy Israel the minute he is elected President. Nobody knows how to scare Jews better than other Jews. McCain spokesman Michael Goldfarb might have looked like a manipulative fear-monger and an ass to some people when he started stammering in a recent interview and couldn’t name all the anti-Semitic people he said Obama supposedly knows, but to other Jews Goldfarb looked like a fellow scared Jew who can barely utter a coherent sentence because he’s so frightened. Every Jew knows we are thisclose to another Holocaust, so why take a chance on some guy whose name sounds Arab, when there’s a very nice goy running? Sure, his running mate belongs to a church that thinks Jesus is coming any day now to convert all the Jews, but there is no one who loves Israel more than a bunch of Christians waiting for the Rapture. I expect just seeing Obama’s name is going to have many Jews running out of voting booths screaming like it's Halloween. For Jews, everyday is Halloween.

The Reverse Bradley Effect

Republicans are hoping that all the polls are wrong because of the "Bradley Effect," the phenomenon where white people say they are going to vote for the black guy because they don’t want to appear racist but once they get in the voting booth they just can’t do it. But this year, I think we’re going to see a "Reverse Bradley Effect," where black people say they are going to vote for the black guy because they don’t want to seem disloyal, but when they get into the voting booth they just can’t pull the lever for the brother. When it gets right down to it, black people don’t really trust other black people. When a famous black person gets in trouble, what’s the first thing they do? They hire a Jewish lawyer. And how many rich and famous black people let other black people manage their money or careers? Not too many. If black people won’t hire black lawyers or accountants, what makes you think they are going to hire a black President?

Hispanics Will Remember Why No Se Puede Support Obama

John McCain probably thought Hispanics would line up behind him because he sponsored the immigration reform bill that would have granted amnesty to illegal aliens, but Hispanics have been skittish about supporting him because they know he will probably sell them down the river to appease his base the first chance he gets. Until Election Day, that is. Once Election Day rolls around Hispanics will suddenly remember just how much they hate black people. No one hates black people more than Hispanics (except maybe Asians). Black people give Hispanic people someone to look down on. They even still call them "Negroes" long after everyone else changed to "blacks" and "African-Americans." If a black person gets elected President, the only people Hispanics will have left to make fun of will be gay people. I don’t think they’ll let that happen.

Old People Stick Together

This year old people have a chance to make history instead of just being history. They have an opportunity to elect the oldest human to ever serve as President, someone who is as crotchety as they are. Old people don’t care if their daughter marries a young man, they just don’t want one running the country. And they can sympathize with someone whose rightful promotion is being stolen by some precocious young whippersnapper who doesn’t have the decency to wait his turn. It seems like lately Presidents just keep getting younger and younger and old people think it’s about time someone who looks like them gets in the White House for a change. Ultimately, old people like to stick together, which is why they are going to flock to McCain. You’ve probably noticed that in public places like parks or cafeterias old people tend to gravitate toward one another because they feel more comfortable hanging out with other old people who can understand their jokes and ossified cultural references. They imagine having a President who will say things that go over everybody's head and when young people turn to them and ask them to explain, they will just say, “It’s an old people thing; you wouldn’t understand.”

Men Think With Their…

Palin has had a strange effect on American men. It’s hard to describe the secret of her allure. According to Kathleen Parker, it's why McCain picked her in the first place: "McCain took Palin to his favorite coffee-drinking spot down by a creek and a sycamore tree," she writes. "They talked for more than an hour, and, as Napoleon whispered to Josephine, ‘Voila.’ One does not have to be a psychoanalyst to reckon that McCain was smitten." In The New Yorker Jane Mayer describes how a group of influential conservative men became putty in Palin's hands after they met her on a cruise. Rich Lowry may have articulated it best when he wrote after the debate, "I'm sure I'm not the only male in America who, when Palin dropped her first wink, sat up a little straighter on the couch and said, 'Hey, I think she just winked at me.' And her smile. By the end, when she clearly knew she was doing well, it was so sparkling it was almost mesmerizing. It sent little starbursts through the screen and ricocheting around the living rooms of America." Ultimately, I think many men will end up voting for Palin and her running mate because men tend to think with their hearts more than their brains. When men see Palin, they can’t describe the effect she has on them; they just know their palms get sweaty and hearts start beating faster.

Women Love a Bad Boy

Women love a bad boy and there was a time when Obama seemed exciting and even a little dangerous, the kind of guy girls would like to bring home to their parents just to scare them. But as the campaign wore on, Obama seemed less and less enthralling. Women began to realize that his cool façade wasn’t keeping a lid on roiling depths of passion; it was just hiding more and more layers of cool. After a while he began to seem so safe and reassuring that women started to get bored with him. And then they took a look at McCain. They realized that he was reckless and impetuous and oh so deliciously risky. Sure, he might snap at you and call you nasty names but he’ll always say he’s sorry afterward and that just makes him more alluring. With McCain as President, you’ll never know what he is going to do next. In the end he may bankrupt you or knock you up (and after he appoints Supreme Court Justices who reverse Roe v. Wade, you’ll be spared from having to make that heart-rending decision about what to do about it), but in the end you know you would make the same choice again even if everything tells you not to. Remember when you picked George Bush over that boring guy who reminded you of your first husband?

Conservatives Finally Have a Reason To Be Optimistic About the Future

Conservatives have always hated McCain for his support of immigration reform, campaign finance reform and moderate judges, and his opposition to torture and the Bush tax cuts, until he changed his mind and kicked his principles under the Straight Talk Express, though not soon enough for most of us. But after he picked Sarah Palin, conservatives took another look at McCain. That was when we noticed that McCain is really, really old and sometimes he doesn’t look all that well (wink!). And then it dawned on us: McCain will probably die in office! We may not be all that happy with McCain, but we are practically giddy at the prospect that he won't last that long. He could even keel over right after the Inauguration. And then . . . say hello to President Palin! The thought of a President Palin sends chills up the legs of many patriotic Americans, and up other parts of their bodies, too. So conservatives will be rushing to the polls fired up by the prospect that a vote for McCain is really a vote for President Palin. When you go into the voting booth November 4, I hope you, too, will picture Sarah Palin sitting in the Oval Office with her Manolo Blahniks propped up on the desk and I betcha you’ll know what to do.

Update: Whoops.

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Anonymous said...

I can't tell if you actually believe what you've written or if this post is simply an exercise in creative thinking.

The tired "young people are too lazy to vote" argument has been used (and disproven) in nearly every election of recent memory. This year's primaries set yet another record for participation by young adults. Expecting different results in the general election brings to mind the definition of insanity.

Jews represent 2.5% of the US population. I'm no math genius but that seems to be a slightly smaller number than the 12% of the population African Americans represent (that Obama dominates).

Reverse Bradley effect? That's a cute/mildly offensive theory. Again, primary numbers show you're wrong.

It's fine to believe/support who or what you choose but it's helpful to at least be aware of the facts pertaining to the issues at hand

Unknown said...

ROFL OMG ROFL. /wipes tears and ROFL's again.

Anonymous said...

For Jews, everyday is Halloween.

No way, dude! Every day is Pesach!

Day-day-ainu, day-day-ainu, day-day-ainu, day-ainu-day-ainu!!!!!!!!!!!

Bufskien said...

Well spoken, Tuesday will be significantly in McCain’s favor by all of what you said, let's hope. When it is time to vote, they will see a strange foreign name and choke. It is human nature, more importantly its American.

And you are right about the youth aspect. When I was 18-27, I wouldn’t have gotten out of bed to vote. Obama’s tailored his campaign to a young vibrant crowd who believe that dreaming and hoping will win a battle that they think they can fight from their couches, and cell phones. See you at the booth!

Comrade Kevin said...

To Jews, everyday is Purim.

I think. Don't quote me on that. I'm serious.

James Higham said...

I do think this thing is not so much line ball as volatile. There are cogent reasons why it won't go the way of the pundits - you mentioned some.

If it does go according to plan, then there'll be egg on both of our faces.

Unknown said...

In case anyone out there's afraid to vote because they don't want egg on her or his face, why not pack a moisturizing facial wipe? Or if that's too girlie for you, napkins work as well.

four legs good said...


You are kind of an idiot, aren't you?

Anonymous said...

Who you calling a dimwit? I resemble that remark!

Anonymous said...

Mr. Joe, Google is your friend. Check out "Jonathan Swift" and then let down your hair.

Dave Dubya said...

I know a bright young Republican couple who say they are moving to Canada if Obama wins.

None of that socialism crap for them, by Jiminy. They won't stand for it!

Inconstant Reader said...

As a Jew, all I have to say in response to this post is, "Aieeeeeeeeeee!"

CW said...

The Church of Swift has comedic elements that the Christian ones are sorely lacking. They could use some good jokey humanity, and then they might be a bigger fan of everyones' favorite butt buddies: The hairy arsed gays. Merry Sunday! No on 8!

Anonymous said...

I know that the young people will not vote, that does give me a bit of confidence, but do we really think that McCain can win?

Jesse W.

Representative Kimble said...

McCain is winning real America and that's what counts. People think McCain has reached the bottom of the barrel of baseless accusations, but this new internet attack ad is going to shake the lid off of this campaign

The McCain Ad Too Hot for the Networks

Anonymous said...

When you go into the voting booth November 4, I hope you, too, will picture Sarah Palin sitting in the Oval Office with her Manolo Blahniks propped up on the desk and I betcha you’ll know what to do.

And the next day we can have Guy Fawkes day!!! Yipeeee!! heh.

Good lord, Jon! What on earth.... I'm too lazy to vote? I'm sooo curious -- is Jon an octogenarian? Careful. I fall hard for those.

mellyg said...

yar! heelarious! awesome, really.

a semi-loyal, totally-liberal reader.

Miss Cellania said...

What a fascinating analysis!

WomanHonorThyself said...

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh bravo cept for one thang: Hussein is really an anti semite and so are all his cronies..ok ok ok..paranoia runs deep..into your life it will done ..From your pen..ahem.."keyboard" to God's ears!!

Donna said...

What d'ya think the H in Jesus H. Christ stands for anyway? Huh? Huh? It's for Hussein! McCain can't win since Jesus Hussein Christ is on Barack's side!

(Thanks for the link love! *saucy palin wink*)

Dave Latchaw said...

Another fine post, Mr. Swift. Like you, I look forward to the weeping and wailing of our enemies. Which I reckon will commence at about 8:20 EST.

Bukko Boomeranger said...

Another stunning piece of conservative political analysis! And it's a viewpoint that none in the lie-beral meeja dared utter. Come Nov. 5, you are going to be as proud of this think-piece as the legendary forecasters of yore.

Anonymous said...

This is obviously "Tongue in Cheek". Nobody could be that stupid! :-)

Young people will be voting en masse this election day, rest assured. And that bit about Jews being easily frightend by innuendo cracked me up! It implied stupidity and gullibility by Jews, but `though Jews make up only 0.3 percent of the world population, they make up 1 in 5 Nobel prize winners! Not exactly a stupid people.

This article was clearly satire, both because it is over the top, and because nobody alive would look at the very clear numbers, and think McCain could possibly win! I will be back on election day, just to check in.

Very Funny!


yellojkt said...

You forgot the most important reason: People don't really like change. It makes them uncomfortable. Maybe the past few years haven't been the best with an unending quagmire of a war and massive budget deficits, but we're all making due with 401(k)s 25% smaller than they were last month.

Change is scary. Stay the course.

ptet said...

Dear Mr Swift

I am liberal, male, and not gay.
As a conservative you are surely against gay marriage. However, on the basis of this and you other recent posts on the election I am minded to offer to have your babies.

Should McCain win as you predict, I look forward to four more years of self-flagellation. Thereafter, I would covert to conservatism and devote my life to supporting Sarah Palin and her constitutional amendment to ban gay marriages, flag burning, and leaving the letter "g" on the end of words.

Should the liberal media and their biased so called "polls" prove to be "accurate" and Obama wins, I look forward to visiting you at your Socialist Re-education Madrassa.

Best wishes


Anonymous said...

I say,

you make a very good point about the "Reverse Bradley Effect", but I fear the consequences of what I describe as the "Push Poll Declined" wherein the electorate, when polled, states they have no problems with the candidate who has a dubious past, whose name sounds like a terrorist, who, being a Muslim, knew the November 9th plotters intimately, and indeed may have actually plotted with them (and by may I mean, of course, did), who harbors illegal aliens who may or may not be terrorists (and by may or may not I mean definitely are), and who will certainly turn the America presidency into a Caliphate, just as Brown, Sarkozy, Aherne, etc. have done so in Europe.

But upon reaching the polling booth they decide to vote for “that one”, contrary to conventional wisdom, citing dissatisfaction with the current state of affairs, or some other such triviality.

A bold, but in retrospect foolish, stratagem on the part of the party of Lincoln and Reagan, that grand old party, that I fear will backfire, leaving all their pieces exposed.

Yours fearfully,


Anonymous said...

Oh, and Sabelle, Jon is in fact a supercentenarian, having been born sometime in the 17th century. So there will be no 'falling hard', or any sort of sexy devilment, for our venerable pamphleteer.


J. said...

I don't know, Jon. Even the White House is now pulling for Obama, though I guess that could actually help McCain. Sigh.

Anonymous said...

Jon Jon Jon

You forgot one main point. About 50% of the voters in this country are women and we all are going to vote for Palin because she's got a uterus.

Us chicks gotta stick together.

(Though I did hear that if McCain does lose the GOP has a dream ticket for 2012 -- Palin and Joe the Plumber.

Anonymous said...

Joe Cure, stop trying to disprove everything. Just because young people might not always be too lazy, most of them are and it's simple to tell by their style of life.

Jews, well there is guesstimated 2%, however, Jon Swift never mentioned what specific Jewish based religion which could result in a bigger percentage increase. (around 38.62%)

Reverse Bradly effect is almost unheard of, but it can be referred to racism. If you know anything about American history American's withheld a great deal of racism more than any other country.

Anonymous said...

Another excellent analysis, Mr. Swift. And you are correct about us Christians: we yearn for Armageddon, and we will support the candidate that can make it happen most quickly.

Until recently, that appeared to be Barack Obama, the Antichrist. But the Palin-Sarkozy interview made it clear that Sarah could git er done even faster.

Anonymous said...

LOL - most excellent. There are a lot of half truths to this.

If the youth voters even remember that it is Tuesday when they wake up - there might be a few that put the bong down and drag their hung-over butts down to the polls - but - they may not last the long lines - no attention span either!

J. said...

They even still call them "Negroes" long after everyone else changed to "blacks" and "African-Americans."

Comedy gold!!!

Morris Maven said...

Come on, I am a die-hard liberal but you have to see the humor! This is that thing called "sarcasm" people! Get a sense of humor!!

Voted for Barack today, nyah nyah!

Alphonse said...

Thank you for your clarity, Jon. How easily liberals ignore the obvious.

RobinSlick said...

...not to mention Sarah Palin loves...just loves...Israel. Why, didn't you see her eyes glaze over in absolute Judaic wannabe-ism when she made that remark to Biden during the debate? And that sensual down home accent...sigh...oh that I were gay...oh that she were gay...

P.S. My word verification was ovenfull. Oh, Bristol...yo' mama is callin' you....

Anonymous said...

Mr. Swift, if you are indeed male, I find it hard to believe that you could top your previous posts on the 2008 election, but you have. Please keep up the tremendous work!

Aayla Security said...

In this age of an insidious outsider trying to oust a candidate (oh, the humanity!) who has always stood for everything this country represents (unjustified invasion, weakening the poor/weak so that the rich can become richer, etc), your post has given us tremendous strength and hope. Thank you, Jon, thank you. It's because of you that I voted today.

Anonymous said...

to that cocksuker called anon...I said I would e ack here when Obama won. And Iam.


ROFL....just proves my oint about all you rightwing, racist, nascar loving, freedom looooving rednecks.

IQ: non-existant; worldview: fantasy; chuts and madarchods...all of you.

I uess you will now be ranting about how the eletion was stolen. But face it anon and Mr. swift, the amerian people are sick and tired of you and your ilk and failed reulican policies of the last 8 years.


I think someone was talking aout falling through rabit holes...hey motherfucker...looks like you just fell thru the biggest rabit hole. ow have fun and before you engage in intellectual argument with anyoe with more brains than you do a factcheck if you are intellectually upto it. And being intellectual is NOT anti-American.

that is not for Americans who can think. Of course, that doesn't apply to you. You have already proved you an't and are unwilling to think. You need brains for that, not just a dick that appreciates Palin's tits. Of course, nice to know that your redeck member rose to the occassion when you cheered Palin.

bye...and rawl into a small little hole. And do us all a favour and stay there.

Anonymous said...


You proved with geometric logic that McCain would win. You weren’t wrong, the whole country was wrong.

Anonymous said...

Update: Whoops.

McCain got schwerpunkt. I blame Clinton.

Anonymous said...

If only the rest of the country was as intelligent as you are! McCain for 2012!!

Anonymous said...

@ proud:

Your cheers will be short lived, I'm afraid! We conservatives have a long legacy of always coming back for more!

Nixon gave us the path of a constitutionally elected imperial Louis XVI while running up a deficit fighting a war!

Ford gave us the value of a well placed pardon while running up a deficit fighting a war!

Reagan demonstrated the importance of filling cabinet positions with individuals determined to represent viewpoints totally opposite of the actual missions of each while running up a deficit fighting a war!

Bush 41 taught us the value of rescuing nations from themselves through the kind use of our military while running up a deficit fighting a war!

Bush 43 taught us the value of combining all of the above while running up a deficit fighting a war!

Even Dick Cheney and Donald Rumsfeld were there through every bit of it!

And each time you liberals kept claiming things couldn’t get worse! We proved you wrong each time! Each administration was the perfect devolutionary next step!

You just watch! Palindromes will beat Obamabots in 2011! Then you’ll see!

You’re a Dope!

The GTL™ said...

JEEBUS CRISP, that's some funny S@#%!

"Reverse Bradley Effect"

LMFAO!!!!!!!!!!!! (As in, SIDES HURTIN')!!!

Micgar said...

Oh this is great news and really excellent factual information that I can link to and pass around to many friends! I really can trust in these tidbits of wisdom and investigation!


Ann Althouse

Bukko Boomeranger said...

Regret not, O faithful (conservative) forecaster;
You were right -- it's just that the facts were wrong....

Anonymous said...

Would someone PLEASE buy Proud Non American a consonant or two? And plug them into the places where they're missing?

Then again, I suppose he writes better in the American language than we do in whatever woggish tongue is native to his sesquipedalian satrapy. What is a "marchadod" anyway?

Anonymous said...

At least you had the balls to leave it posted...

Actually, sane people can be hopeful for the future.

You might want to try some.

Anonymous said...

Have to agree with the last poster...if nothing else you do have guts leaving up this post after McCain went down in flames...

Anonymous said...

Im glad you were wrong. =3

Anonymous said...

you must be feeling like a right dimwit about now!

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شركة تمديد غاز بالرياض
شركة حل ارتفاع فاتورة المياه بالرياض
شركة عزل خزانات المياه بالرياض
افضل شركة عزل اسطح بالرياض
شركة كشف تسربات المياه بالرياض


mhmod said...

تركيب زجاج سيكوريت بجدة
عزل خزانات المياه بجدة
افضل شركة ترميم منازل بجدة
شركة عزل مسابح بجدة
افضل شركة كشف تسربات المياه بجدة
شركة كشف تسربات المياه بجدة
عزل خزانات المياه بالطائف
افضل شركة عزل مائي بجدة


mhmod said...

افضل شركة تنظيف بالبخار بجدة
افضل شركة عزل فوم بجدة
افضل شركة تنظيف بالبخار بالطائف
افضل شركة تنظيف بالبخار بالباحة
كشف تسربات المياه بالطائف
شركة كشف تسربات المياه بمكة
شركة عزل خزانات المياه بمكة
افضل خدمات صيانة منزلية بجدة


mhmod said...

عقاري شقق للبيع في التجمع الخامس من المالك مباشرة
عقاري شقق للبيع في التجمع الخامس من المالك مباشرة
عقاري من المالك مباشرة شاليهات للبيع بالعين السخنة
من المالك مباشرة ارض للبيع بالتجمع الخامس عقاري
عقاري من المالك مباشرة شقق للبيع بالتجمع بالتقسيط
عقاري شقق للبيع بالتجمع الخامس


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