Bobby Jindal: America's Slumdog Millionaire

After President Obama's doom and gloom speech last night, Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal's response was as inspiring as the feel-good movie of the year, Slumdog Millionaire, about a plucky Indian who is poor but happy and doesn't need some government program to give him a million dollars. All he has to do is answer a few questions that uncannily parallel his life on the quiz show Who Wants To Be a Millionaire? While President Obama and the Democrats are telling people that they will just help them keep their heads above water, Republicans want to give everyone a shot at the big prize. Who wants to be a millionaire? We all do.

Gov. Jindal's stories of self-reliance were inspiring. Like Michelle Malkin, who is a big fan of his, he is an anchor baby whose parents arrived here from India to exploit our lax immigration laws but nevertheless proved that people who are different races can be successful if they make an effort to fit in and act like real Americans. Instead of acting angry and entitled like some minorities do, Gov. Jindal was so happy and optimistic I thought he was about to bounce up and down like Tigger the way Slumdog Millionaire director Danny Boyle did when he won the Oscar. Gov. Jindal is America's real-life slumdog millionaire.

But what really inspired me was the story he told about how people in leaky little boats tried to save the citizens of New Orleans after Hurricane Katrina even though government bureaucrats tried to stop them. If the government had stayed out of New Orleans entirely and encouraged more people to use their boats or to make their own boats out of things around the house, more people would probably be alive today. And instead of waiting for inefficient government workers to fix the levies, ordinary New Orleans citizens could have patched them up using bubble gum and duct tape and good old American know-how.

Instead of relying on the government to build magical magnetic levitation trains, the people of Las Vegas should be encouraged to bring some tools from their garages and build the train themselves, the way the Amish do. And while it's true that the magical levitation part might prove to be technologically difficult for the average Las Vegas citizen, if they all put their minds together and pray, I bet they would be able to levitate the trains. The power of prayer worked for Gov. Jindal when he and a few friends exorcised some demons and cured a woman of cancer back when he was in college so it could probably work for trains, too. And praying may also be the answer to our health care crisis.

And instead of having bureaucrats build roads and bridges why not let people build their own roads and bridges? With all of the companies laying off people and outsourcing jobs to Gov. Jindal's native country, there are plenty of people with time on their hands looking for something to do during the day. It would give people a sense of accomplishment and distract them from worrying about how they will pay the mortgage or pay for health care for their children.

Gov. Jindal also criticized money that is being spent under the stimulus plan to watch volcanoes. Why would you need to pay people to watch a volcano? Isn't it pretty obvious when a volcano erupts? I don't think I need a government bureaucrat to tell me that lava is pouring out of a volcano and that I should probably get out of there as soon as possible. If some people don't get the message, then citizens with lava-proof boats can rescue them – if government bureaucrats just stay out of their way.

President Obama also proposed that we should spend even more money on education. But instead of wasting all of that money, we should be encouraging more home schooling, which is a lot easier now that we have Wikipedia. And instead of sending their kids to expensive colleges, parents could be encouraged to home college their kids, too. Many college-age kids are still living at home anyway because they can't afford to move out so home colleging would give them something to do besides playing video games all day. And besides as the hero of Slumdog Millionaire showed us, you don't necessarily have to be educated to look smart.

Finally, the best part of Gov. Jindal's speech was when he talked about tax cuts. Cutting taxes for 95% of Americans as Pres. Obama promises is extremely unfair to the 5% of Americans who work hard, too, but already pay a lot more taxes than everyone else does despite all of their efforts to shield their assets in offshore accounts. Somebody needs to represent the 5% minority of people who are discriminated against by Obama's tax plan. Gov. Jindal and the new Republican leader Michael Steele understand what it's like to be minorities so it is no surprise that they are willing to stand up for the minority of people who make more than $250,000 a year like bank executives who are often the victims of bigotry in the liberal media. Most Americans want our millionaires to do well because someday we may win the lottery or appear on a quiz show and become millionaires ourselves.

Although I have been pretty down ever since Obama became president and the stock market plunged, Gov. Jindal's quiz show optimism is infectious and I'm glad he's the Republican Party's final answer to our electoral woes. I'm so inspired I think I'm going to start building a boat.

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Rush Limbaugh Gives Republicans Hope Again

When Barack Obama won the election by appealing to voters' hopes, Republicans were surprised that it actually worked. There didn't seem to be that much to be hopeful for, especially with Obama as President. A lot of us were pretty down in the dumps. But then Republican leader Rush Limbaugh came along and gave us hope for the future, too. "I hope he fails." Limbaugh said of Obama. "We are being told that we have to hope he succeeds, that we have to bend over, grab the ankles, bend over forward, backward, whichever, because his father was black, because this is the first black president."

While Obama seems like a nice young man, kind of like a young Sidney Poitier, is handsome and polite, seems well educated and articulate, and even brought Republicans candy and flowers, Limbaugh was not fooled for a minute. If Obama succeeds, who knows what kind of man America's daughters will bring home to dinner next? Since Obama is trying to seduce Americans by giving them hope, Limbaugh knows that we Republicans must have our own message of optimism and hope. So here are some of the things that we are hoping for:

We hope Obama fails change the tone in Washington.
The worst thing Republicans can do is to join President Obama in any bipartisan effort to make things better. If he succeeds, he'll get all the credit and then he'll be free to turn America into a socialist country and no one will be able to stop him. And if he fails, who will Americans turn be able to turn to? So Republicans finally realized that they have to be against whatever Obama is for, whether it is the stimulus package or delaying the transition to digital television.

We hope Obama fails to fix the economy.
If Obama succeeds in fixing the economy, Americans will get the wrong idea that socialism works. Although the next few years will be difficult for some people if the economy gets worse, most Republicans will do fine thanks to President Bush's tax cuts. The rest of us will just have to suck it up until America comes to her senses and elects Sarah Palin in 2012. By that time some of Bush's tax cuts should have trickled down to us anyway. The worst thing we can do now is panic and put into place all kinds of programs we will be stuck with for years to come, which is what happened during the Great Depression. Economic depressions aren't all bad since they sweep away the dead wood in the economy and force the government to cut worthless programs. And at the same time, the people who do get hurt we'll blame Obama for it.

We hope Obama fails to get people to stop hating gays.
Despite all of Hollywood's best efforts, there are still a lot of people who hate gays and we need to encourage that as much as possible as it is our best wedge issue. One of the reasons we succeeded in ruining Clinton's first term was because of his attempt to allow gays to serve in the military. Although we suffered a few major setbacks in our efforts to marginalize gays when Clay Aitken and Lance Bass came out, we have to remain vigilant. We must encourage a huge outcry if Obama tries to allow gays to serve openly in the military or supports gay civil unions, which will just lead to gay marriage and people marrying their pets and livestock. And we can encourage homophobia among African-Americans, which shouldn't be too hard since we have a lot of preachers and rappers on our side. It may be our best chance to win blacks over to our side again.

We hope Obama fails to institute universal health care.
The reason America has the best health care in the world is that we don't just give it away to anyone. It stands to reason that the fewer people who have health care, the better it will be for those who have it. Republicans should not only resist any efforts by Obama to give more Americans health care, we should try to limit health care even more, which will only make our country stronger by weeding out the weak and sick, who mostly vote for Democrats anyway.

We hope Obama fails to broker peace between Israel and the Palestinians.
Surely, this is not too much to hope for. Although President Obama claimed during the election that he supported Israel, his overtures to Arab countries, like his giving his first interview as President to al-Arabiya, shows that he is not 100 percent behind Israel. Republicans know that peace in the Middle East will require Israel to make some sort of concessions, such as the creation of a Palestinian state. The only way to safeguard Israel's security is to discourage any kind of peace. So Republicans should encourage Israel not to back down. Of course, that means there will probably be a few terrorist attacks in Israel and it will have to defend itself occasionally by bombing the hell out of the Palestinians and probably the Lebanese as well, but Israelis are used to that by now.

We hope Obama fails to prevent a big natural disaster from devastating an American city.
Unfortunately, a lot of Americans got the impression from Hurricane Katrina that there is something government can do to help people when there is a natural disaster. Republicans, of course, know that it is blasphemous to try to fight acts of God. So far our efforts to convince people that there was nothing we could do to save New Orleans, or at least to blame local officials, have not been very successful. So it looks like the only thing that will convince people that they are on their own is if an American city is destroyed despite all of Obama's best efforts. Since God is on the Republicans' side I'm sure He already has something in the works, but it wouldn't hurt to pray a little.

We hope Obama fails to prevent a terrorist attack on American soil.
Although this is one thing we shouldn't actively hope for, at least out loud, a terrorist attack on American soil would go a long way to restoring George Bush's image by proving that all of his efforts to prevent another one after 9/11, which President Obama is unraveling, worked. Americans will undoubtedly blame Obama for a terrorist attack especially if we point out that it was probably due to his closing Guantanamo and ending waterboarding of suspects. This is something that Republicans should quietly pray for, especially if it happens in a place where there are a lot of Obama voters like New York, then deplore it when it happens and unite behind the President for a week or so before we point out through anonymous spokespeople that it was Obama's fault. Rush Limbaugh, however, can start blaming Obama as soon as it happens. That's why Republicans are lucky to have him as the voice of the party. He's the only one who can say what we are really thinking.

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Obama’s Disastrous Gaffe-Laden Press Conference

President-elect Barack Obama’s honeymoon abruptly ended yesterday when he insulted Fox News, Nancy Reagan and dogs at his first post-election press conference. Conservatives, who had generously given Obama the benefit of the doubt in the days after the election, immediately pounced on Obama’s ill-chosen remarks, which threaten to derail his presidency before it even begins.

Conservatives were shocked when Obama snubbed Fox News, the country's only fair and balanced network, by not calling on its reporter during the press conference. “Wisdom and judiciousness were not exactly evident,” scolded RedState, where “wisdom and judiciousness” are dispensed by the bucketful. Apparently, Obama still holds a grudge against the network, and its president Roger Ailes, for reporting that he went to a madrassa as a child, joking about assassinating him, referring to him as a socialist, attacking him for calling his grandmother a “typical white person,” calling his cigarette smoking “"a dirty little secret" and asking its viewers “Would you vote for a smoker?,” mixing him up with black former congressman Harold Ford Jr., making a joke that his name was similar to Osama Bin Laden’s and who knows what other perceived slights. Unfortunately, the Fox reporter was prevented from asking such very important questions as which cabinet post William Ayers will be appointed to and which policies from the Communist Manifesto Obama was planning to implement first.

“This childish obsession over Fox News is really beneath the dignity of the White House,” said Jammie Wearing Fool, who could certainly teach our new President a thing or two about dignity. “George W. Bush has been mercilessly pummelled by most of the media during his term but has never acted so petulantly about any media outlets.” Indeed, can you imagine President Bush petulantly snubbing journalists or news organizations the way Obama did because he is angry at their reporting? Apparently, Obama is already laying the groundwork for his secret plan to repeal the First Amendment.

Ignoring Fox News was bad enough, but then Obama went out of his way to insult Nancy Reagan, accusing her of holding séances in the White House. When he learned that Reagan did not hold séances in the White House but merely consulted with astrologers and arranged the White House schedule based on favorable alignments of the planets, Obama called Reagan to apologize for his tasteless joke. That wasn’t enough for many outraged conservatives who refused to accept his “weak apology.” “He's actually more immature than many of us suspected and feared,” said Dan Riehl, who took the high road, as usual, and made a very funny but mature joke about Obama’s dead grandmother. Stop the ACLU thought Obama’s joke displayed a lack of “professionalism” and called him a “jerk,” as one professional to another.

Obama had apparently mixed up Reagan with Mary Todd Lincoln who did hold séances in the White House, which is just as bad since she was the wife of the beloved first Republican President and unable to defend herself because she is no longer living. Is this the kind of bipartisanship we can expect from President Obama? What deceased wives of Republican Presidents will he insult next? President-elect Obama owes Mrs. Lincoln an apology even if he has to hold a séance to make it properly.

But the worst gaffe Obama made at his disastrous press conference was when he referred to mixed-breed dogs (or “differently bred” dogs, as they prefer to be called) using the dogist term “mutts.” “Mutt” is a deeply offensive word to working-class dogs and their owners. Although Obama tried to recover and hastily added the words, “like me,” the damage was already done. “This guy has a real complex about himself, a megalomania that especially manifests when he speaks of others,” wrote MacRanger at Macsmind, whose biracial friend was "outraged." I imagine we will be hearing a lot from MacRanger's outraged biracial friend in the coming years whenever the issue of race comes up. Jules Crittenden compared Obama’s use of the word “mutt” to the time dog-torturing President Lyndon Johnson showed the press his scar. Paterico was reminded of the time Obama callously insulted pigs. Is no mammal safe from Obama’s sharp tongue?

Differently bred dogs are tired of being subjected to these kinds of cheap cur slurs, just as they resent the snotty attitudes of elitist, pedigreed show dogs who look down on them as canines who bitterly cling to their bones and chew toys. “Mutt,” which some particularly sensitive dog-owners refer to as the “M-word,” is a derogatory term that was first coined in 1906 and is short for “muttonhead,” which means a “stupid person.” It is bad enough when "mutt" is used to refer to a person, but when hurled at a dog, which cannot defend itself, it is an extremely offensive slur. It took years for dog-rights activists to get people to use the term "mongrel," until that term was scrapped in favor of the more politically correct designations “mixed-breed” and “differently bred.” Some progressive groups believe that all breed distinctions should be avoided and are trying to popularize the term "Dog-American" to refer to all dogs, from shih tzus to cockapoos, regardless of breed.

Before Obama used this unfortunate term, Muttgate was already threatening to splinter his fragile coalition and derail the Obama presidency. Obama’s promise to buy his daughters a puppy after the election has cost Obama quite a bit of support. PETA would no doubt prefer that Obama not enslave any animals at all, or at the very least save one from death row. Little girls who wanted their daddies to give them ponies supported Hillary in the primaries and refused to support Obama in the general election when their fathers told them that even Obama’s girls were not getting a pony so they should just shut up about it. Cat lovers, who are mostly independent voters, held out hope until the last minute that Obama would signal that he was going to get his girls a cat. Although many of them ended up voting for Obama, they are sure to have their claws out after his flagrant disregard of felines at the press conference. Meanwhile, the powerful ferret lobby, which single-handedly destroyed the presidential aspirations of Rudy Giuliani (if you don’t count Giuliani himself), was taking a wait-and-see approach to Obama, but they are probably already marshalling their musky, bad-tempered forces after yesterday’s news conference. Obama should be particularly wary of this interest group since ferret owners are notorious for being very sick and angry people.

Worst of all, Obama’s stunning announcement that he was seeking a “hypoallergenic” dog for his daughters finally confirmed the fears of many conservatives, such as Focus on the Family, that Obama is just like Hitler, who also excited crowds and was similarly elevated to power through the democratic process before he became a ruthless dictator. "Hypoallergenic" is, of course, a codeword for dogs that are pure breeds, which are dogs that have been bred according to the very same kind of evil eugenics practiced by the Nazis.

No matter what breed of dog or other pet Obama’s family ends up getting, Obama is sure to disillusion a large part of his constituency and scuttle any chance his administration has of getting anything done. It is a tragedy that a presidency that had so much promise and potential, which patriotic conservatives who love their country really were pulling for, should go down in flames so soon.

Carnivals: Carnival of Cats, Puppy in Training, Carnival of the Liberals, Everything Worth Reading

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