Kennedy for New York Senate

According to the New York Times, an aide to New York Attorney General Andrew Cuomo is questioning the credentials of Caroline Kennedy to replace Hillary Clinton as Senator from New York if she is confirmed as Secretary of State in the Obama Administration. Cuomo believes he is qualified to be New York's Senator because he was once married to a Kennedy. But that is not enough. New York's next Senator must actually be named Kennedy. The Kennedy name has a "special magic capital," as Maureen Dowd so poetically calls it. But there are other Kennedys who are just as qualified, if not more so, than Caroline. If we really want the best Kennedy to fill Robert Kennedy's old seat, New York Gov. David Patterson should choose conservative former MTV VJ Kennedy.

Those who are lobbying for Caroline Kennedy, such as New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg, have their hearts in the right place. They want to find the candidate who will most annoy and embarrass Hillary to replace her. And appointing Caroline would certainly accomplish that. Although she hasn't voted much or been that involved in politics or even studied the issues, she did make Hillary angry when she and her uncle Sen. Ted Kennedy endorsed Obama over Hillary in the Democratic primary. As I explained at the time, "It is not just that Obama reminds them of Kennedy, it is also that the Clintons remind them of Lyndon Johnson. And if there is anything that the Kennedys don't like, it's a bunch of hillbillies in the White House, which is being kept in trust until a competent Kennedy can be groomed to take it back for its rightful owners. Until that time Obama will do." The Clintons, like Johnson, think of politics as mud wrestling or the roller derby, while the Kennedys see it as a friendly game of touch football. So it must have irked them to see Hillary, the Sandra Day O'Clobber of American politics, besmirching the Senate seat that by rights belongs to the Kennedys.

Appointing Caroline Kennedy to the Senate would make the Hillary-haters happy, but I'm afraid it won't annoy Hillary enough. The few abbreviated press conferences Caroline has had, before her aides cut them off, showed that she isn't the most articulate Kennedy in the world. In a Senate committee hearing, Hillary would make mincemeat of her. But former MTV VJ Kennedy has had quite a lot of experience in the spotlight and is quite articulate. The woman who once simulated fellatio with her microphone while interviewing former New York mayor Rudolph Giuliani would have no problem taking Hillary on. Who knows what she might do with a Senate microphone. In comparison, Caroline Kennedy seems just too nice and polite and would wilt in Hillary's glare.

Kennedy does not currently live in New York and probably doesn't know much about the issues affecting the state, but as far as I know, actually living in New York has never been a requirement to represent the state in the Senate, and she probably knows as much about New York issues as Caroline does. She has also formulated strong stances on other political issues she would have to deal with as a Senator, something Caroline hasn't gotten around to doing yet. And while appointing Caroline has a certain nostalgic appeal for those who want to bring back Camelot and the 1960s, appointing former MTV VJ Kennedy would hearken back to a time more people remember with fondness, the 1990s, when the stock market was doing well and MTV actually played music videos instead of running endless reruns of badly written "reality" shows.

I'm sure appointing Caroline Kennedy would make Hillary grit her teeth, but appointing a Republican washed-up former MTV VJ with even fewer credentials than Caroline would be a more satisfying slap in the face at Hillary. I agree that insulting Hillary by appointing a Kennedy is important, but we need to make sure it's the right Kennedy.

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Sanjaya Must Be Stopped

Last week millions of nervous Americans gathered around their televisions to see if Sanjaya Malakar, the 17-year-old Indian-American contestant with the face of an angel and the voice of…something else, would finally be kicked off of American Idol. But once again Sanjaya defied all expectations and common sense and survived another round in the contest that defines this country as much as Nascar, the Superbowl, presidential elections and monster trucks. It is finally time to acknowledge that the inexplicable and frightening Sanjaya juggernaut has reached crisis proportions and something must be done about it before it is too late.

Sanjaya seems like a nice kid and his singing is really no worse than many pop stars, including American Idol judge Paula Abdul herself. But this is not a small-town talent show we are talking about, it is American Idol, the number one show in the country, and increasingly people around the world are asking themselves, What is wrong with American voters? Have they gone completely insane to vote for someone who is clearly so incompetent and dim-witted and has gotten as far as he has on little more than charm and luck?

"He stunk less than usual," said perplexed conservative pundit Dean Barnett. "One thing that all us Sanjaya-bashers should understand -- there's something about this nice but creepy young man that appeals to a lot of people." Remarked Dr. Steven Taylor: "All of this may indicate that it is a good thing that young folks don't vote en masse in US elections." Blogger and sitcom writer Ken Levine lamented, "Sanjaya is now just humiliating himself every week. This is like when people dress up their dogs."

The Anchoress zeroed in on why the continued success of Sanjaya is so worrisome for our image abroad. "Is it just me or is there a dearth of "manly men" everywhere in pop culture?" she wondered, giving us a glimpse into the thought processes of a cloistered woman who has the time and solitude to contemplate the deepest mysteries of life. "All the men seem to be feminized or wispy-looking…on the radio they all sound like they're 16 years old…whatever happened to manly men in pop music?" If the unthinkable happens and Sanjaya actually wins the competition, what are terrorists going to think of the United States? Will the "feminized" image of Sanjaya displace the swaggering machismo of our President landing on that aircraft carrier in the minds of those who would destroy us? Or perhaps they see us as a nation of crying little girls like the one who was overwhelmed by Sanjaya's performance of the Kinks' "You Really Got Me."

Although it may be true that the little girls understand the charms of Sanjaya, the rest of us are completely in the dark. Theories abound to explain Sanjaya's surprising victories, which may actually have been engineered by our enemies to weaken us. Some believe that Sirius Radio shock jock Howard Stern, who long ago demonstrated his disloyalty to this country when he turned against President Bush, has aided and abetted Sanjaya's success by throwing his support behind the teenager. That theory, however, assumes that Sirius Radio actually has listeners. Others speculate that Indian calling centers have been voting en masse for Sanjaya. "We took away your jobs by dangling better profit margins in the face of your companies and now -- now, we're going to take American Idol!" ominously intoned Indian-American critic Amrita Rajan, whose immigration status should probably be looked into. I don't think I need to point out that Osama bin Laden is hiding in that part of the world and he may even be behind the apparent hijacking of the American Idol vote.

Even more shocking, Vote For the Worst, a website that proudly proclaims to be dedicated to destroying American Idol and possibly our way of life, has been urging its visitors to vote for Sanjaya. "Votefortheworst.com was started in 2004 to support voting for the entertaining contestants who the producers would hate to see win on American Idol," the site explains. "Vote for the Worst encourages you to have fun with American Idol and embrace its suckiness by voting for the people who the general public and the producers are rooting against." Many Americans are understandably outraged. "Thousands of Americans are giving their lives for our country right now," wrote a visitor named Katie. "America is free because of them, and I don't think our founding fathers would see this website as an intelligent use of our democracy. For all those voting for Sanjaya, please don't be ignorant, and remember what is REALLY important in our world and make a difference by helping those who are helping our country."

Katie is right. Our soldiers are fighting in Iraq so that Americans can stay at home and watch America's best and brightest young talents entertain us on television, not to be subjected to the cynical electoral manipulations of those who mock the principles and ideals this country was founded on. Disturbing images of out-of-tune singers on our televisions could have a devastating effect on the morale of our citizens. And imagine if Americans embraced the philosophy of voting for the worst candidate in presidential elections! It's almost too horrible to think about.

Some patriotic Americans are trying to do something to stop Sanjaya. A young California woman has gone on a hunger strike until Sanjaya is voted off and others have joined her. While it is gratifying to know that some Americans have their priorities straight, I'm afraid her well-meaning effort is the wrong approach. A hunger strike is actually an un-American tactic, one that is embraced by leftists and the terrorists at Guantanamo.

Perhaps Fred Thompson, who recently attacked Gandhi, will tackle this even more dangerous menace from the subcontinent. But I think there may only be one solution to the Sanjaya crisis: Intervention by the Supreme Court. They should step in immediately to stop the voting and kick Sanjaya off the show. There is, of course, precedent for the Court's taking action when votes seem to be going the wrong way: the landmark Bush v. Gore decision. In fact, I think the Court should have stepped in earlier to prevent Sanjaya from making it into the Top Ten, which means that he will now go out on the American Idol tour, prolonging America's Tiger Beat nightmare. If the Supreme Court stepped in, it would provide a valuable lesson to nascent democracies in places like Iraq about the limits that sometimes must be placed on voting for the good of the country. And it would reverse some of the damage that has already done to our image abroad before it is irreparably destroyed.

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Technorati Tags: Jon Swift, Sanjaya, Sanjaya Malakar, American Idol, Music, Television, India

Save Britney's Marriage

When CNN sent out a Breaking News email on Election Day saying that Britney Spears was filing for divorce from her husband of two years, Kevin Federline, I didn't realize just how important this story was at first. But now that the election is over, the full the impact of this tragedy is finally sinking in. I'm beginning to think that this story may actually be more important than the election because what is at stake here may be our most fundamental and sacred values. When Republicans tried to pass the Federal Marriage Amendment last summer, their aim was to protect the institution of marriage, which is the basic building block of our society, from being destroyed by gay marriage. But if Republicans really want to save the institution of holy matrimony, they should start by saving Britney's marriage. There is one more lame-duck session of Congress left before the Democrats take over so this may be our last chance to stop this divorce and the copy-cat divorces that are sure to follow.

I have loved Britney since the day she turned 18 and not one day before. I thought she had found happiness with Kevin Federline, with whom she seemed to have a lot in common, and I believed that when she promised to stay with him "till death do us part," she really meant it this time, unlike with that guy she married in Las Vegas. Many young people across the country see Britney and K-Fed as role models because they prove that anyone, no matter what their backgrounds are or how much talent they have, can become successful in America. As a singer, a mother and a die-hard supporter of President Bush and the Republican Party she has been an inspiration to young people. What kind of a message would we be sending to our youth if we allow her to dump her husband just because sales of his album have been a little sluggish?

Ordinarily, the break-up of one marriage wouldn't be something that Congress would concern itself with. But last spring when the Federal government intervened to prevent Terry Schiavo's feeding tube from being removed, Republicans reversed centuries of aloofness from the day-to-day concerns of Americans' lives to show they really cared about all of us. In a desperate attempt to save her life, the House and Senate passed a bill transferring jurisdiction over Schiavo's case to Federal courts and President Bush rushed back to Washington from Texas to sign it. Ultimately their efforts failed, and this failure may have sparked doubts in the minds of many Americans about Republican leadership. Though it won't bring Terry back, saving Britney's marriage would give Republicans one last chance to redeem themselves in the eyes of the American people.

I don't know if Senator Bill Frist has gotten a chance to see the video on YouTube of Kevin Federline being served divorce papers by Britney via text message, but I'm sure that if he could summon the powers of video diagnosis he brought to Terry Schiavo's case, he could see that K-Fed seems to be suffering from real human emotions just like the rest of us. Though it is difficult to tell, there are moments when you seem to see a glimmer of pain in his eyes, which shows he really can respond to stimulus around him and is not brain dead as some have claimed.

One of the arguments opponents of gay marriage make is that every child needs exactly one mother and one father to grow up to be a healthy adult. Isn't it clear that Britney's and K-Fed's children also need a mother and a father? They need a mother who can provide them with all of the material goods they require, which their father can't provide, and they need a father who can pick them up without dropping them. I think it is clear that neither of them alone can provide the care essential to the well-being of these children.

If Republicans really want to protect the institution of marriage, and were not simply trying to ban gay marriage to use it as a wedge issue in the campaign, then they should prove their dedication to this cause by introducing the Defense of Britney's Marriage Act as the first order of business in the lame-duck session of Congress and President Bush should sign it. I am sure that Britney would have no problem with the Federal government intervening to stop her divorce since she once said, as depicted in the Michael Moore's film Farenheit 9/11, "Honestly, I think we should just trust our president in every decision he makes and should just support that, you know, and be faithful in what happens." So please write to your Congressmen and Senators and ask them to save Britney's and K-Fed's marriage now--before it is too late.

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