Friday, January 13, 2006

Narnia Made Me a Born-Again Christian

Over the holidays I went to see The Chronicles of Narnia and it had a very profound affect on me: It made me a Born-Again Christian. I had read the Narnia books when I was young and enjoyed them very much but had no idea they were supposed to be a Christian allegory. But before seeing the movie that is practically all I heard to the point that it was difficult to see the movie as anything but a Christian allegory.

The film is about British children who have been sent to the country during World War II when London is being bombed. In this big country house where they are staying one of the children discovers this closet and goes inside. I am not sure what being in the closet is a metaphor for (I am very new at this Christian allegory stuff) but I do know it awakened in me feelings of being safe and secure.

This closet soon turns out to be more than your usual closet. It is in fact a door to a land full of mythological creatures. I have not had a chance to read the Bible yet but I am very much looking forward to reading about fauns and talking animals and all of these other magical biblical creatures. The girl who first enters this magical land, called Narnia, meets a very nice faun carrying an umbrella who invites her to his house but makes her promise not to tell anyone. It reminded me of a special friendship I once had when I was young with an older man carying an umbrella who also made me promise not to tell anyone.

Unfortunately, one of the other children goes through the closet and instead of meeting a nice faun he meets the evil White Witch who seduces him with Turkish Delight. It's clear to me now (though I didn't understand this when I first read the book) that the Turkish Delight is supposed to represent Islam and the White Witch is a terrorist. Later we learn that one of the things she does is ban Christmas from Narnia and seeing this made me realize why it so important that we fight the people waging the War on Christmas.

Now I must admit that I have always had problems before with the image of Jesus. With his long hair and beard he always seemed like a hippie to me. And a lot of his ideas seemed radical and socialistic, all of those pronouncements against rich people, throwing the moneychangers out of the temple, coddling prostitutes like Mary Magdalene and illegal immigrants in the story of the Good Samaritan. He also seemed like kind of a wimp the way he let people push him around and was always turning the other cheek. But I have to say I fell in love with Aslan who made me see that Jesus is really a cute and adorable feline who also has a savage roar. Aslan never says anything about helping the poor with government handouts or being nice to prostitutes or illegal immigrants. His only goal is to defeat the White Witch (Islam).

I cried like a baby when Aslan died (it had been so long since I read the books that I had forgotten he doesn't really die). Then when he rose again from the dead and defeated the White Witch I had a sudden revelation. I want to dedicate my life to serving this cute and loveable (but ferocious) lion, who will stop at nothing to defeat Islamic terrorists even if it means torturing them or spying on his own citizens. I can't wait for the other movies to come out so that I can learn more about what it means to be a Christian.

, , , , , , , #124 Best of Me Symphony


Anonymous said...


Streak said...

actually quite funny. good job.

DLW said...

The turkish delight actually represents Heroin and the White Witch is the leftist culture of anything goes so long as I am in power.


Anonymous said...

But what do the Beavers represent? And don't try to tell me that sometimes a beaver is just a beaver... I'm not buying it.

Anonymous said...

It's not an allegory. C.S. Lewis never intended it to be an allegory in the truest sense of the word. Not all the characters (for instance, the beavers) have any spiritual significance.

Anonymous said...

perhaps you should get your facts about christianity straight before you start bashing.

Anonymous said...

I'd first like to say that I think your blog is excellent - and very often, it would seem, misunderstood. But in the spirit of the blatant honesty you express through satirical writing, you may want to "educate" others as to what is really going on in Narnia. The story is not written as an allegory, but rather a supposal (I'm sure we can all Google that one). What this really means is that if one supposes a world such as Narnia exists, then one must suppose that it would have its own "saviour" like we had. Aslan then represents Narnia's very own Jesus Christ. The difference is that it does not represent actual characters and events from our world, but rather the same ideas and philosophies that inspired events in ours.

I'd also like to mention that people who make comments of a critical nature should have their own houses in order before passing judgement. I think that Jon Swift makes it clear that he "has not read the books" when writing reviews, and obviously makes use of strong satire in his writing. If people are ignorant enough to take what is written at face value, then they deserve a sharp (and hopefully witty) retort of an admonishing nature.

Anonymous said...

You had me rolling on the floor laughing! Well done.

Anonymous said...

To the author: Good on you for having the balls to put something like this up! Keep up your search on becoming a christian. Please don't be discouraged by rude comments.

Stella by Starlight said...

"perhaps you should get your facts about christianity straight before you start bashing."

I already did: and there is nothing more spiritual than a beaver. I'm amazed that you can't spell the name of your own religion. I encounter this spelling problem frequently with conservatives. What gives?

Aayla Security said...

Thank you again for the wonderful post. I didn't become a Christian as fast as you did because I didn't recognize the symbolisms in the movie. Specifically, I didn't see the White Witch as a symbol of Islam - I just saw her as a general force of liberalism who hands poison candies (sins) to impressionable, young, stupid minds (e.g. Edward). However, since I watched the second movie: Prince Caspian, I've become very religious and have been watching this movie over and over and over, to educate myself on the evils of Islam. The producers were apparently so afraid that we don't see the symbols and promptly become true Christians this time, they even changed the symbols of the Telmarines so that they resembled that of Islam's! Even though I originally doubted efforts to eradicate Islam, this masterpiece reminded me of the important facts that will make me hate them: most Muslims speak with a funny accent, love to feast on our blood, kill one of their own, murder children, and torture our men. They also stole our Holy Land when they were just pirates (not the sexy European type, but the lame third-world kind of pirates) and just generally are bloody assholes who love to see us killed. It was especially thrilling to see them unable to summon thier own God while they were slaughtered by Jesus, who, instead of walking on water, also turned water into a Muslim-killing machine. (I was reminded of how much I love to see them die. In massive numbers.) I was a little dissapointed when not all of the Muslims perished horribly, but at least, Jesus forced them out of Narnia, which was ours to begin with! Horrahh! I now love this brand of Christianity more because of this movie.

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