Tuesday, May 02, 2006

A Government Agency By Any Other Name

The Senate has recommended scrapping the Federal Emergency Management Agency and replacing it with an agency that would be exactly the same in every way except for one very important detail: it would have a new name. The National Preparedness and Response Agency is not the snappiest moniker in world but it's a step in the right direction. Changing the agency's name is a great idea that would solve its biggest problem, which is the false hopes and raised expectations the title FEMA gave people. I wonder if this extreme makeover strategy could be applied to other government agencies. Here are a few of my proposed name changes:

Old Name: Defense Department
New Name: Victory Department
The Pentagon has been on the defensive a lot lately when it should be on the offensive. I thought about renaming it the Offensive Department, but then it occurred to me that might be taken the wrong way. However, this new name will send the right message to defeatists.

Old Name: National Security Agency
New Name: National Patriot Agency
Let's see how many people would dare risk being called unpatriotic by criticizing this agency now.

Old Name: State Department
New Name: Pre-War Department
I think this will send a message that there are other options on the table if diplomacy doesn't work.

Old Name: White House Press Office
New Name: Ministry of Truth
This name would undercut those skeptical members of the liberal media and the reality-based community.

Old Name: Homeland Security
New Name: Ministry of Fear
"Homeland Security" has always sounded a bit too folksy to me and it gives people a false sense of safety when actually they should be terrified.

Old Name: FBI
New Name: The Untouchables
Remember when J Edgar Hoover and his G-men were free to fight crime and no one else in the government would dare lay a glove on them?

Old Name: CIA
New Name: ?
Wouldn't a spy agency be more effective if no one knew its name? I think we should disband it and then revive it undercover with a secret name. If people really need to refer to it they can call it the Agency-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named or You-Know-Who.

Old Name: Energy Department
New Name: Oil Department
Americans need to face facts that we're not going to find other sources of energy anytime soon. The sooner we realize that, the better.

Old Name: Department of the Interior
New Name: Department of the Exterior
The name of this department always confused me since National Parks are all outside.

Old Name: Department of Transportation
New Name: Department of Planes, Trains and Automobiles
I think this would be a nice tribute John Candy.

Old Name: Justice Department
New Name: Committee of Public Safety
We all know that the best way to keep people safe is through strict enforcement of the death penalty and what better way to reaffirm that than to revive the name of the government agency that showed how effective judicious use of the guillotine could be.

Old Name: Securities and Exchange Commission
New Name: Suckers and Exchange Commission
OK, so I'm still a little bitter about losing all that money in the stock market after the Internet bubble burst.

Old Name: Immigration and Naturalization Service
New Name: The Minutemen
Let's just hand the responsibilities of this agency over to them. It's a low-paying job most Americans don't want anyway.

Old Name: NASA
New Name: Global Warming Debunking Agency
Let's see how long global warming fear mongers like James Hansen will stick around at an agency with this name.

Old Name: Health and Human Services
New Name: Government Handout Department
I couldn't think of anything more apt than this.

Old Name: Social Security Administration
New Name: Faith-Based Initiative Administration
Because I have faith that the money will be there when I retire.

Old Name: Drug Enforcement Agency
New Name: Bureau of Prohibition
Reviving this old agency's name hearkens back to simpler times.

Old Name: Education Department
New Name: Home Schooling and Vouchers Department
To emphasize its new priorities.

Old Name: Federal Election Commission
New Name: Federal Re-Election Commission
Since most incumbents are re-elected anyway this name would make the agency's responsibilities a lot clearer.

Old Name: Federal Communications Commission
New Name: Anti-Obscenity Commission
With more than 300,000 indecency complaints does this agency really have time to do anything else?

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Anonymous said...

I read your blog regularly, and I have to say this might be my favorite post yet.

Aloysius said...

Jon, this is worthy of your namesake! I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a hairball.

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