Friday, October 06, 2006

Mark Foley, Alcoholic-American

Democrats love to play the blame game but in the aftermath of the Mark Foley scandal they have sunk to new low. Soon after resigning for sending what White House spokesman Tony Snow referred to as "naughty emails," Foley made a stunning announcement: He revealed that he is an Alcoholic-American. You would think that Democrats might have sympathy for a victim of this tragic disease, but they reacted to his courageous confession by attacking him even more. It seems that Democrats have become the party of dipsomaniac bashing, sacrificing the victims of this unfortunate malady to their own partisan agenda, and yet offering no solutions. But if the Democrats want to point fingers of blame, it turns out they should be pointing those fingers at themselves, which is why Speaker Dennis Hastert (above) is standing strong and refusing to be the fall guy.

Anyone who has any experience with the powerful effects of alcohol knows that someone who has been drinking can't really be held accountable for their actions. Alcohol had so clouded Rep. Foley's mind that he didn't realize sending sexually explicit messages to teenage congressional pages was a bad political move. Mel Gibson's arrest proved alcohol can make people act in ways that are completely out of character. It transformed Gibson from a genial Mr. Hyde, whose films always depicted Jews in the best possible light, considering, into an unrecognizable anti-Semitic Dr. Jeckyll.

Even as alcohol makes people do things they would never think of doing sober, it also gives them a remarkable ability to cover up their problem. Foley actually interrupted a vote on Iraq funding to have cybersex with a page, which means he must have been drinking on the job. Yet not one of his colleagues had any idea he had a drinking problem. It's possible that there might be other Alcoholic-Americans in Congress who are so skillful at hiding their disease that no one will know about it unless they get caught in some embarrassing scandal. It's likely we may see a rash of Congressmen checking themselves into rehab in the near future.

Drinking to excess is not just a problem in Hollywood and Washington; it's a problem that affects the entire country. There is more and more evidence that Americans just can't hold their liquor. Even in the blogosphere I suspect there are some bloggers who have been Blogging Under the Influence. In fact, if there are any posts of mine that seem to be lacking in quality or which contain errors of fact, it may be because I was drunk when I wrote them, so I can't really be held responsible.

So who is to blame for America's growing drinking problem? It turns out that it's the fault of the Democrats. In 1933 Democrats passed the 21st Amendment, which repealed the 18th Amendment and ended Prohibition. Unfortunately, like a lot of Democrat social experiments, it appears in retrospect that ending Prohibition was a mistake. While some pundits persist in blaming Republicans for the Mark Foley scandal, it's clear that it was the Democrats' ill-considered repeal of Prohibition that is at the root of the problem.

I think Republicans have an excellent opportunity to seize the initiative and prove to values voters that they are ready to turn over a new fig leaf. Republicans should announce that they are restoring pre-1933 values to America by repealing the 21st Amendment and bringing back Prohibition. Restoring Prohibition would also put the focus of this campaign back on the issue of national security. Since we are facing an enemy that completely shuns alcohol, our lack of sobriety is actually endangering the country. Once Americans have stopped imbibing, we will all be able to function with the sobriety and good judgment that our teetotalling President exemplifies. Although it will be quite a sacrifice to give up my Daiquiris, it's a small price to pay to defeat the terrorists. Perhaps after the War on Terror is over, if Americans have shown they are mature enough to handle alcohol again, we can talk about repealing the repeal of the repeal of the 18th Amendment. And if it turns out that Americans once again abuse this privilege, then we can repeal the repeal of the repeal of the repeal of the 18th Amendment and so on until we get it right.

Although it may be too late to save the careers of Mark Foley or Mel Gibson, bringing back Prohibition will save countless numbers of congressmen, actors, and bloggers from future scandals and make America stronger in the face of the terrorist threat. And it will save Alcoholic-Americans from themselves. Under Prohibition, no one will be able to blame alcohol for their mistakes ever again.

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Anonymous said...

Don't forget he's also a Sexual Predator-American. Everyone is bigoted against these fellow citizens. They just can't get a break, even when Drudge and Our Hero Rush Limbaugh reveal it's all the fault of the pages, with their come-hither e-mails and seductive red ties.

mistah charley, ph.d. said...

I've heard that the "wine" that Jesus and his disciples allegedly drank was actually grape juice.

benmerc said...

So when Foley needs "a stiff one"
what does he mean?

Bitty said...

I love visiting here. Love it.

Why did I never realize before that it was the repeal of the 18th amendment that put our country in such peril from the turrurists? Now that you point it out, it's so incredibly obvious.

I rely on you, Jon, to keep my thinking straight.

benmerc said...

I fergot to put my two cents in on that pic...YIKES! It appears that woman may have drove more to the drink then she was able to legislate away from the wicked brew...just sayin'

Randy said...

"...if Americans have shown they are mature enough to handle alcohol again, we can talk about repealing the repeal of the 18th Amendment."

Wait a moment, at that point, don't you mean either "repealing the repeal of the repeal of the 18th," or "repealing the repeal of the 21st"? Or did I miss or add a step somewhere?

Jon Swift said...

You're right, John. I must have been drunk when I wrote that. However, I've fixed it and soon I think the public, with their very short memories, will forget that it was ever wrong.

Anonymous said...

Now if Foley can attribute all his sexual misconduct to that demon rum, what about all his legislation and voting? Don't we have to ignore all his actions? Or is it just the misdeeds that he gets caught doing?

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