Monday, November 05, 2007

The Ralph Nader of the Blogosphere?

I realize there are more important things happening in the world than the Weblog Awards and if I knew where Pakistan was, I would probably be writing about what is happening there, or if I had a job, I might be writing about the Writers Guild strike (which, despite the fact that I believe in the beneficence of corporations and am generally opposed to labor unions, has me humming "There Is Power in a Union" and "Joe Hill" in solidarity). But it has come to my attention that some of my own readers believe you cannot vote for me for Funniest Blog, after all I have done for you, because you don't want to "split the vote," despite the fact that the leading blog, Sadly, No!, is trouncing the blog in second place, DUmmie FUnnies, by a margin of almost two to one, while I languish in fourth place. Suddenly, I find that I have become the Ralph Nader of the blogosphere. Despite all of my efforts to bring laughter and delight to you, my readers, modestly blogging my fingers to the bone, not to mention my victorious battle with Facebook on behalf of all Pseudonym-Americans, some of you have turned on me, calling me a spoiler, comparing me to perhaps the least funny, most egotistical man on Earth. How could I not feel hurt and betrayed?

I am just a little tired of people telling me that they need to "strategize" with their vote. Haven't we had enough strategizing in politics? The Weblog Awards is supposed to be fun. It's supposed to bring attention to all the fine work done by bloggers over the past year and help people discover new blogs they might not know about. I have tried to run a high-minded, positive campaign based solely on the quality of my work, but it seems that on the Internet nice guys finish fourth. Is life nothing more than a popularity contest? And if life is nothing more than a popularity contest, then why doesn't high school prepare us for that?

Now, I love the guys at Sadly, No!, despite what everyone says about them, and I believe that PJComix at DUmmie FUnnies, who has been thoroughly humiliated in his failed attempts to manipulate the vote, could learn quite a lot from my explanation of how to be funny. And, sure, it would be tragic if Sadly, No! beat DUmmie FUnnies by only 2 gazillion votes instead of 3 gazillion votes. (Update: Sadly, No! has endorsed Jon Swift.) But I would like to remind everyone that the Weblog Awards is not a two-party system. You will have ample opportunity to hold your nose and vote against the candidate you despise in the Presidential election next year, so why not vote for a blog you like this time around? Some of you might not realize it, but there are eight other blogs in contention, including this modest blog. Why not vote for one of the other eight blogs for Funniest Blog in the coming days? It seems to me there is enough love to go around. Besides Jon Swift, here are the other contenders, who all deserve your consideration:

The Nose On Your Face
Laurie Kendrick
The Sneeze
i am bossy
Boobs, Injuries and Dr. Pepper
The Lawsons Do Dallas!
The Hatemonger's Quarterly

(And if you're looking for more comedy, head on over to Newcritics, which is holding a Comedy Blogathon from November 6-11.)

But in addition to showing your love for me and others in my category, I would also like you to help out some of my friends in other categories, many of whom are losing by crushing margins, which makes me look bad as well. Help them cling to one last shred of dignity and show them that someone besides their immediate families appreciates their efforts by giving them your support. I take it as a personal insult that someone like my friend skippy the bush kangaroo, for example, is undeservedly relegated to last place in his category, Best Liberal Blog, or that my friend Hot Potato Mash is dead last in the Best Video Blog category, or that Streak's Blog, one of the first blogs ever to blogroll me, is pulling up the rear in the Best of the Top 3501 - 5000 Blogs category, or that Writers Block lacks just a few votes to pull itself out of tenth in the Best Literature Blog category. Below are the blogs on my blogroll I am endorsing in each category and their current rankings out of the 10 blogs in contention (each category title is a link to the ballot). You can vote once a day until Thursday, November 8. Do what Jesus would do and help the least among them first if you don't have a particular favorite, though please also keep in mind a few special friends of mine who aren't doing quite so badly but deserve your special consideration: Diary of a Heretic, who is only a few votes shy third place in Best Literature Blog, Susie Bright's Journal in Best LGBT Blog, Bitch Ph.D. in Best of the Top 250 Blogs and Michael Van Der Galien, who has slipped into 3rd in a very tight race for Best European Blog (Non UK).

Best UK Blog
Nourishing Obscurity (currently in 8th place)

Best Middle East or Africa Blog
Eatbees (8th)

Best Online Community
My Left Wing (8th)

Best Education Blog
NYC Educator (7th)

Best Political Coverage
Foreign Policy Watch (6th)

Best Blog
Captain's Quarters (5th)

Best Culture Blog
Self-Styled Siren (4th)

Best Diarist
Robin Slick (4th)

Best European Blog (Non UK)
Michael Van Der Galien (3rd)

Best Conservative Blog
Captain's Quarters (3rd)

Best Science Blog
Pharyngula (3rd)

Best Liberal Blog
skippy the bush kangaroo (10th)
Orcinus (9th)
Shakesville (8th)
Pandagon (6th)
Glenn Greenwald's Unclaimed Territory (4th)
Hullabaloo (3rd)

Best Video Blog
Hot Potato Mash (10th)
Crooks & Liars (2nd)

Best Literature Blog
Writers Block (10th)
Erik Hare (8th)
Classical Bookworm (7th)
Maud Newton (6th)
Diary of a Heretic (4th)

Best LGBT Blog
Republic of T (9th)
Fetch me my axe (7th)
Susie Bright's Journal (5th)
Pam's House Blend (3rd)

Best of the Top 250 Blogs
MY Vast Right Wing Conspiracy (9th)
Bitch Ph.D. (6th)
Jesus' General (4th)
Balloon Juice (1st)

Best of the Top 251 - 500 Blogs
Fausta (9th)
The Moderate Voice (8th)
Feministe (4th)
The Carpetbagger Report (2nd)
Tbogg (1st)

Best of the Top 501 - 1000 Blogs
Avedon Carol's The Sideshow (8th)
The Smirking Chimp (6th)
Agonist (4th)
The Poor Man Institute (3rd)
Woman Honor Thyself (1st)

Best of the Top 1001 - 1750 Blogs
Dispatches from the Culture Wars (7th)
Newshoggers (6th)
Slacktivist (4th)
Obsidian Wings (2nd)
Echidne of the Snakes (1st)

Best of the Top 2501 - 3500 Blogs
Booker Rising (8th)
A Tiny Revolution (5th)
Acephalous (4th)
driftglass (3rd)
Creek Running North (1st)

Best of the Top 3501 - 5000 Blogs
Streak's Blog (10th)
Prometheus 6 (9th)
(parenthetical remarks) (8th)
Ken Levine (6th)
Dr. Joan Bushwell's Chimpanzee Refuge (4th)
The Galloping Beaver (2nd)

Best of the Top 5001 - 6750 Blogs
Gay Orbit (10th)
Three Wise Men! (8th)
The Field Negro (6th)
The Debate Link (5th)
Simply Left Behind (2nd)
Whiskey Fire (1st)

Best of the Top 6751 - 8750 Blogs
Reno and Its Discontents (10th)
HE&OS--Home Education & Other Stuff (9th)
Abnormal Interests (8th)
Jack and Jill Politics (5th)
Scholars & Rogues (4th)

Best of the Rest of the Blogs (8751+)
Kiko's House (6th)
Political Grind (5th)
konagod (3rd)

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Alexander Wolfe said...

Jeez Mr. Swift, five other blogs in our category are in your blogroll? I thought we were special! I never thought one could be too liberal about anything, but this blogrolling policy may need some reconsideration. :(

Anonymous said...

Brother Swift-

I voted for you anyway, but with the hopes that you'll be able to rectify the problem of being mistakenly placed in the "Funniest" blog category, rather than in the best"Conservative (most likely Christian)" blog category.


Save the Oocytes! said...

Something is happening in Pakistan?

Anonymous said...

Mr. Swift,

Laurie Kendrick here.

I am in last place in the Funniest Blog competition. Not just last place, hell I'm barely on the ballot.

What does that mean? As I delve into the knitty and the gritty of this contest, I'm beginning to believe it doesn't mean that much. In some way, I'm almost proud to be bringing up the rear in such an egregious way. That's not pride, that's reality.

I was a cheerleader in Jr. High and High School. Popularity contests rarely ever include a talent portion. That's fine with me. At the end of the day, you, me and a handful of other Funniest Blog hopefuls know how we got votes. Such as they are, in my case.

Contests are nice, titles are cool but good, solid, creative writing is what it's all about---NOT votes for vote's sake. People who like your work and read it because it's good and for no other reason, well, THAT'S the real prize.

You seem like a kind and generous man who's very talented as well. I enjoy your work.

Continued success to you, Jon and best wishes,

Laurie "I could teach McGovern how and Mondale How to Loose" Kendrick

BOSSY said...

You definitely win for Best Voting Day Cheat Sheet - what a thorough list! Where were you when Bossy hit the real polls this morning?

Anonymous said...

Jon, honey, you've broken my heart. i was torn, i say TORN over who to vote for. but even though i felt i should show solidarity with a fellow Jonathan, i eventually cast my votes (both of them!) for Sadly, No. it was a tough decision, but i was eventually swayed by the fact that they've got new posts up several times a day. i know there are like a million people posting there, but even so. there have been times in the past when ive logged on to your estimable site and been confronted with exactly the same post i saw the day before yesterday! i know that your extremely long artfully crafted, link-saturated labours of love take a little longer than your average blogpost, and i'm not asking you to sacrifice quality for quantinty, but couldn't you at least fill up the dead air with pictures of your cats or something?

Jon Swift said...

I have no cat, ichomobothogogus. Not since Hodge was shot.

Ivan G Shreve Jr said...

Okay. Jon -- your well-argued theory comparing your blog to Ralph Nader has warmed the cockles of my iconoclastic heart. I will vote for you from here on out, now that I have been assured that that clown over at Dummie Funnies (who can barely write his name, let alone comedy) is out of the running.

James Higham said...

I was given the opportunity of "fixing" my vote when the Russians heard about it. We could have flooded the count and won hands down but I'd prefer to do what Iain Dale and DK are doing - staying above it all and going down gracefully. These finals are about strategy but to get to the final in the first place is about being nominated - an important distinction.

liquiddaddy said...


I agree with Rev. Hipple that "funny" is not something good conservatives do very well and you should, perhaps, be angling for best Conservative Blog, instead of promoting yourself in the humor category.

Nevertheless, mocking the crying teen-age girl who testified before congress, (or the spastic Michael J. Fox) like Rush Limbaugh today, or Rudy's parody of Hitlery's fecklessness, and such as that, are incredibly hilarious. How about making fun of Oprah?


Anonymous said...

As my colleague notes (see link), you have our endorsement.

Dave said...


I'm shocked that this should even be up for debate.

I know that your humor blog is the funniest because it is the only one that I read.

Voting post-haste,

p.s.: Though ichomoetc.'s post was awfully sweet, I beg you to not ever post a million times a day. Your restraint is one of the best things about your blog. Post when it's good, not when it's always.

Anonymous said...

Jon: great work-keep it up.

LK: I'm stalking you blog by blog. Mwaaa ha ha haaaaa.

Anonymous said...

Thanks for the kudos, Jon! You have my vote for Funniest Blog.

I didn't even know The Writers' Block was nominated, let alone a finalist, so it's a nice surprise to be in great company. I think we've been in 9th place, not 7th, but it's all in good fun. Hopefully we'll get even more readers from this.

Dave said...

Ah, thanks Jon!

Just so you know, despite the conflict in the contributors' corner, (I didn't know you could do that with a Cheeto!) we at The Galloping Beaver have sent all of our voters your way.

While we might consider strategic voting, Sadly, No! seems to be doing well. (And they ALSO have been doing things with Cheetos.)

And while we poll a consistent 3rd in our rather obscure category, I am reminded of the words of... oh. Never mind. Laurie already posted a comment above me.

Best of colonial luck old boy!

Anonymous said...

Mr. Swift, I understand that you're being satirical, but I don't understand what you're actually urging me to do. Are you saying that I should vote for Sadly, No? Or that I should vote for DUmmie FUnnies? Or not vote at all? I understand satire well enough to understand that you're really saying that I shouldn't vote for you. But who should I actually vote for? I'm so confused.

Anonymous said...

Sadly No and Swift are, without doubt, the funniest, sharpest shit on the tubes. They have no peer except for the General. God Bless 'em all.

Anonymous said...

Jon, thanks for endorsing me for Best European Blog (non-UK). Sadly, however, like you, my readers are letting me down tremendously. I'm currently in third place (closely behind the number two) and more than 100 votes behind the number one.

I was the number one two days ago, but now...

Terrible I tell you. Terrible.

Life sucks.

Anonymous said...

Is this about the student council or something?

Anonymous said...

I am sorry Jon but I simply have to vote for PJ and his brilliant DUmmies blog.

I still remember when he taunted that liberal who had cancer and contributed towards getting his surgery cancelled. And he died! The whole right wing are still laughing about that.

Conservatives are just TOO funny.

Carl said...


I just want to point out that I did not vote once for Sadly, No! instead, I placed my faith in God above that your blog would win the category, and as a show of that faith, I voted for you faithfully each and every day, at least twice.

Do I still have to wash your floors?

Batocchio said...

Jon, I voted for both you and Sadly, on different computers. Thanks for promoting all the other great blogs, too, both in the nominations and in this post.

Anonymous said...

Laurie Kendrick said, "Contests are nice, titles are cool but good, solid, creative writing is what it's all about---NOT votes for vote's sake."

Sounds like a loser to me. As the current holder of 8th place (and vying for 7th!) in the "Best Middle East and Africa Blog" category, I can testify that good writing doesn't matter. Popularity matters. Getting the most votes matters -- even if the votes are from a robot, or underpaid Third World workers in a blog-poll voting factory.

At the end of the day, being Mr. Congeniality doesn't matter, because America loves a winner. Those like myself, Ms. Kendrick, and you Mr. Swift will be remembered as losers, nothing else. Our egos won't get the bath of praise they deserve -- someone else's ego will. And noble words can't hide the shame of losing.

I hate contests!!!!!

Anonymous said...

What is all this fuss about being the Homecoming Queen? Knock it off.

Anonymous said...

Funny blog! I like it. But I still have a bone to pick with you over that whole post you wrote 200 years ago about the Irish.

Also, just below the comments window, it says I can use tags like B, I, and A. Are you mocking us, Mr. Swift? Oh, I think we all know the rest of the sequence: T, C, then H. Very funny, Mr. Comedy Blog Man!

Anonymous said...

Seriously Jon - were you REALLY nominated for funniest weblog? No really. You mentioned - oh - say 10 times, but I'm not sure you really mean it.

Anonymous said...


May I suggest to you humming "Solidarity Forever" when thinking of the Hollywood writers' strike? Since it has the same tune as the impeccably Republican "Battle Hymn of the Republic," you need not even look over your shoulder to make sure the right people aren't listening. And remember, even Ronald Reagan was once a Hollywood unionist. So don't worry!

The 2008 Weblog Awards